DP mocking my job applications

[SpottedGurnard]

We have moved to Devon for DPs job, great for him but bad for me as the overall majority of jobs down here are minimum wage.

One minute he's telling me that I need to apply for every job available right now, the next he's mocking an application that I'm doing that is a little better paid than most but is effectively customer service on an information desk at a university.

I have spent a lot of time on the application as I was excited to have found a job that isn't minimum wage and that will mean that I can meet lots of new people and be in a young environment (I am not too many years out of university myself so would fit into a university environment).

Now I just feel a little bit shit and like I can't win. By moving down here I have given up any chance of getting a good job for the next few years- there just aren't the same kind of jobs here as you get in the South East.

AIBU to feel very fed up with him right now?

Call your parents, and arrange for them to come with a van if that is possible, you do it on a day when he normally goes out and is gone all day, they arrive first thing and you are boxed up and gone before he gets back, leave a note pinned to something so he knows you took your own stuff and left. He sounds horrible. I'd hate for him to be our local doctor
Or if they can't come have some movers if you have furniture, book for a time he won't be there. Maybe even call in on the local Police and tell them what you are planning and when so they can be alert for any emergency calls from you.

California-I'm not worried about him getting violent or anything. I'm more worried about him charming his way out of it. After his rant at me this evening I told him to stop knocking me. I got the old "I don't ever say anything to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt you" bullshit.

I'm shocked that you buy food separately. Get out of there, that's not how a relationship is supposed to be like.

I'm so glad to see that you're making your exit plan, SpottedGurnard, and that your parents will be behind you. CaliforniaLeaving's suggestion of the van while he is out at work is a good one. I presume your stuff extends beyond personal effects, and includes furniture, crockery, bedlinen, towels, ornaments, books, CDs etc? Start working out what kind of volume you'll be moving, so you can arrange a big enough van; whether any items are particularly heavy and will you and your parents be able to lift it; what packing materials you will need (crockery can be wrapped in bedlinen etc to minimise materials). The better prepared you are, the less likely you are to encounter any problems and thus the cleaner your exit. I'm guessing that your move to Devon was recent enough for you to have a good feel for these details.

Oh I love a good exit plan.

Visit your parents and tell them what it's really like. Ask your dad to come down and help you pack everything up.

At your parents', make a list of everything that's yours and why it's yours - you bought it, he gave it to you for Christmas, that sort of thing.

Plan, plan, plan - that'll get you through the next couple of weeks. Don't tell him, though. Don't let him scupper your plans.

Also, when you go visiting next weekend, pack some of the smaller more important things with you that perhaps won't be missed but that you can easily move.
This may include paperwork that is important or pictures that you can pack in your bag without much notice.

Good luck! We're with you on this!

Also remember,things are for having, people are for loving, in the event you must leave some items behind.

Delighted to see this, SG. And I'm glad that you recognise the charm as bullshit, because - in the context of everything else that he does and says - that is exactly what it is. It's likely to go up fifty notches when you leave. He may turn angry, super-charming, or exaggeratedly devastated. We can help you with any of that.

Oh god he's on his way home from work. I feel like my stomach has dropped into my boots.

He's got this idea that we're going to go out onto the moors and I was saying I really don't want to get stuck out there when it gets dark. His tone changed, he changes it so he speaks to me like im stupid. I'm sure no one else would notice but I heard it and it has made me panicky.

Do people mind if I keep a note on here of things he does? So if I start to doubt myself I can come back on and be reminded.

Need to hide my book too "feel the fear and do it anyway".

Last time he picked it up, read out a part about saying yes more and asked me why I wasnt do that. Because it's just so simple.

He's a complete arse (understatement alert).

And I think recording the things he says is a good idea - hopefully it will spur you on :)

"I don't ever say anything to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt you"

Oh, I remember that one.

'It's constructive criticism'

'I just want to help you change the things that are holding you back'

'Don't be silly, remember the time I... '

And so forth.

If you're worried about taking your belongings, I'm pretty sure when my friend went from Bucks to Lincolnshire to collect her belongings the local police arranged to have someone with her in case he caused a scene. If you're not that worried, when I moved all mine I just took my Dad and brother with me. Yes, he did follow me around the house trying to charm his way back in and make out I was over-reacting, but having someone with me gave me the strength to say, y'know what? I'm not falling for this again.

Good Luck SG I keep popping in and out and am pleased every time I see you're getting closer to leaving and keeping your resolve.
You deserve much better.

If you don't want to go out on the moors, I hope you're able to stand your ground without it becoming a big issue/argument.

Of course he's an arse. Just keep working on that get out plan.

thedog ime, the arse may do ALL of those things in rapid cycle. When they see they're losing their victim, the utter panic these almighty power tripping individuals display is shocking!

Op, remember what you are doing and why.

The saying yes is not actually what you need to learn first. The word NO comes first, no to others.

Yes to self.

He wants your compliance, your yes to his demands. You need to see that and say no.

What i meant about family earlier is that even without rl family support, you cam still do this, there are literally hundreds of women here that have done what you have to do know, and we're all here, on the greener side, happier, stronger and free. Take our collective hand, lean on us, rely on us, if that's what helps you.

Thinking of you love. (((Hug)))

Just checking in to say still thinking of you and wishing you well. I second getting in touch with the local police in a low-key way before you leave, just so they're aware and will hopefully respond fast if he goes mad when he realises you're leaving.

Hi there
we have moved this thread to relationships.

MNHQ

"'Don't be silly, remember the time I... '"
That's the point where you start singing Janet Jackson's "What have you done for me lately" to yourself ...

"He's got this idea that we're going to go out onto the moors and I was saying I really don't want to get stuck out there when it gets dark. His tone changed, he changes it so he speaks to me like im stupid. I'm sure no one else would notice but I heard it and it has made me panicky."
I wouldn't want to go either. Weather can spin on a sixpence, you set off to these places in sunshine and then the heavens open on you. Plus I'm a complete townie, I get withdrawal symptoms when I'm too far from streetlights. But why "panicky", SG? Panic is something I associate with fear and danger. Why do you think his idea/tone of voice brings about this reaction in you?

"Do people mind if I keep a note on here of things he does? So if I start to doubt myself I can come back on and be reminded."
Of course not - this is your thread, you can post what you want. You're right to anticipate doubting yourself, it's inevitable in your circumstances. It's like keeping a diary, you read it back later and it triggers how you felt and what you were thinking about when you wrote that entry. It's a very good idea.

spotted well done for making the decision to get out.
You know it is the right thing to do. A big defining characteristic of introverts is the ability to have a really BIG THINK about things and to come to the correct conclusion.

Good luck with the practicalities and the vipers are with you all the way, cheering you on

Not that you are in the least over-reacting of course, but even if you were, it's not the point. You have a perfect right to leave a relationship that isn't working for you. Maybe 99% of women would think he's a perfect catch (poor deluded souls), but he doesn't make you happy. Set him free to find someone who matches up to his view of perfection, and wish him the best of luck in the search because I can tell you now, she doesn't exist . It's very likely he'll charm his way into another girl's life in a shockingly short time, so don't feel sorry for him; but if you are wise you won't let him tell you about it, because it'll all be about how much better she is so you can feel even more like shit (whilst behind closed doors he'll be starting the same belittling campaign on her).

The whole point is not that he wants to help you to be better than you are, it's that he wants you to feel you're not great so you won't have the confidence to leave him. So you're always thinking about him, how to please him, how to support him, until you're nothing but a little shadow of the Great I Am, incapable of independent existence. A good partner wants the other one to be as fulfilled and happy as they are. This is not what you are getting or will ever get from this self-centred fellow.

Good luck, gurnard. The thing about you having to exist on your own income (of zero, presumably) and worrying about whether you can eat really gave me the chills. He's a doctor. He must have money to play with, especially as rent can be really good in some parts of Devon. How do you work out the finances between you?

Take a step towards freedom today. What's it to be?

Good luck, we are all thinking of you.

Oh dear..... A charming, controlling, undermining, self-centred professional.....what is it with these people. And a doctor! Why does that not surprise me.

Doctor abusers seem to be one of those rare types who are horribly cruel and crushing to other people, as well as their partners.

They make people sicker with their attitudes, but since control is their elixir, they probably couldn't care less.

Please keep trying with med school, you'd make a much better and more humane doctor than your partner! But first you must get away from this arrogant and heartless individual. He is, indeed, a textbook abuser.

Arghh, twice today we have had the standoff that we have every time we go out! I have a nice car, dp has a much older car but its bigger and it's one he chose. He also hasn't washed it since he got it (over TWO years ago) and has a boot full of stuff from our move 2 months ago.

Every time we go out he wants to take my car. Every time I say no. He has not once paid me for fuel and that has included trips halfway down the country to visit his mother.

Today after the argument suprise suprise we took my car. He wanted to drive. Hos driving makes me anxious, like burst into tears panic. He drives way way too fast and is always up someone elses bum,he treats everything as a race. A couple of years ago he was driving too fast outside my uni and didnt see the car in front stop. I did but thought he had seen it so didn't say anything until it was too late . He almost hit a cat last night that ran across the road, I saw it by the side of the road and had to tell him about it when we were en route to hitting it. Luckily cat got away.

He never listens to my pleas to slow down or hold back from cars in front. He thinks I am just a moany woman but I am not like this when anyone else is driving.

He has just gone out with his friends for the night. He begged me to let him take my car so he can "show off" to his friends. I said no. They are away overnight so would be stuck as I am not insured on his. He moaned about it being dirty and needing to empty it- I told him its not my problem . I don't want my car to be damaged because he's too busy showing off.

He also has no qualms about answering his phone in the car. I hate it and tell him not too- it especially pisses me off when he's driving my car! If he asks me to send a text or phone someone off his phone and I say it can wait until we get somewhere, he gets his phone out and starts texting whilst driving. All the while I am panicking that we are going to crash . He even does this whilst driving at 90mph on the motorway ffs!

I asked him to drive my car at sensible speeds- I don't want to deal with a speeding ticket and it rinses the fuel. He doesn't listen and if Im in the car and ask him to slow down he ignores me. Dickhead.

The driving alone would end it for me. But unfortunately thats only the start of his bag of tricks. Cliche I know but when you run as fast as you can (and I bet it's faster than he world believe possibly, twunt) away from this poor excuse for a human I bet your anxiety improves. You deserve so, so much better.