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Original poster

DP mocking my job applications

157 replies

SpottedGurnard · 28/08/2012 23:10

We have moved to Devon for DPs job, great for him but bad for me as the overall majority of jobs down here are minimum wage.

One minute he's telling me that I need to apply for every job available right now, the next he's mocking an application that I'm doing that is a little better paid than most but is effectively customer service on an information desk at a university.

I have spent a lot of time on the application as I was excited to have found a job that isn't minimum wage and that will mean that I can meet lots of new people and be in a young environment (I am not too many years out of university myself so would fit into a university environment).

Now I just feel a little bit shit and like I can't win. By moving down here I have given up any chance of getting a good job for the next few years- there just aren't the same kind of jobs here as you get in the South East.

AIBU to feel very fed up with him right now?

OP posts:
NotAnAxeMurderer · 29/08/2012 20:30

Get out, get out, get out while you can! He is controlling and manipulative.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life constantly waiting for the next dig? Or would you like a partner who supports you and is happy for you no matter what you do?

OhCobblers · 29/08/2012 20:45

There are so many threads that I read on MN at the mo where the situation is even worse as kids and a marriage are involved. Makes for terribly sad and depressing reading.
You are "lucky" not to be in that deep in that leaving now needn't be as messy (though of course painful as you've given so much already).
Ditto what has been said - leave now.
You sound lovely - he sounds utterly hideous ...

notmyproblem · 29/08/2012 22:08

Get out now... as everyone has said. Go as far as you can, put some real distance (as in several hundred miles) between you and him so it won't be easy to go back and you can resist the temptation. Because a guy like him won't give up on you that easy, he wants his punching bag around because abusing you is the only thing making him feel like a real man. That's how pathetic he is.

Get yourself free, deal with the consequences of it later. It will be a tough come-down but not long afterwards you'll start to recover. Once you get enough distance to look back on your situation you'll realise how close you came to getting stuck there, and how lucky you were to get out while you could!

Good luck OP.

TheDogDidIt · 30/08/2012 11:57

Yup. But if/when you do - be prepared for a huge change in attitude, to try and make you change your mind. You'll wonder if you're doing the right thing. He might even start talking about having a baby. If that happens, please come back and read this thread, because he won't really have changed. An awful lot of us here are talking from experience and this honestly, really is how it starts. You're still in a position where you can get completely away.

Downandoutnumbered · 30/08/2012 12:33

I posted early on this thread and have only just seen your most recent posts. Get out of this now. It will only get worse. Lots of women on here have experienced it and are telling you how this will play out if you stay. Please, please get out. He is poisonous, and the longer you stay the more harm he will do you.

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 30/08/2012 15:00

I am still reading this thread, thank you all. Am sat here in shock figuring out how to sort this mess out.

OP posts:
Downandoutnumbered · 30/08/2012 15:20

((((hugs)))). You can sort it out, people are here to help you. Is there anyone in RL you could go and stay with for a few days and talk things through with.

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 16:05

Just come home love. (((hugs))))

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 16:09

I lost my last 'big' job due to all the pressure I had going on, but HE was the one putting pressure on me, I was fine before I had him in my life, made me doubt everything.

Come home, rebuild yourself and you'll be better than youb were before, I pretty much can guarantee you that!

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 16:15

Lost 10 years with him, can't just leave him for dust as I have a DS with him, we're bound forever, and DS has a shitty Not There father. I hate myself for settling for that, for doing that to my sweet boy.

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 30/08/2012 16:32

Oh hissy you've made me cry. I wish my dm would just tell me to come home.

I knew I had made a mistake as soon as I moved in with him. I've spent many hours crying because I want to go home.

OP posts:
Downandoutnumbered · 30/08/2012 16:36

Would your DM say yes if you asked if you could come and stay for a little while so that you can sort yourself out? I do think you need to get yourself out of this - you can, you know: nothing you've done is irrevocable and thankfully you don't have DC with him. And clearly you know you need to get out of it.

dazzledsazzle · 30/08/2012 16:40

Where is home? Do you have a friend you can stay with if you can't go back to your Mum? Or is temporary renting in a shared house til you can afford somewhere of your own/sort yourself out an option? Would your old company take you back doing your old job or another job there ? You are young, leave & you will learn from this and never look back, trust me.

WingDefence · 30/08/2012 16:55

Hi Spotted - I've only lurked so far but I do agree with the others who have posted for more wiser information than I could.

You are relatively lucky in that you aren't married to his nor do you have children. You can make a life for yourself far away from him and without daily reminders as you'll be in a totally different place.

The very best of luck to you.

(I've also suggested to MNHQ that this is moved to from AIBU to Relationships. I hope you don't mind Blush )

CaveJohnson · 30/08/2012 18:07

Spotted, I'm so sorry you feel so down!

Are you close to your mum? Can you call her, say you need to come home as your boyfriend has now made it clear he won't be supporting you at all (or make up what you want if mum is difficult). Then pack your bags and go. He sounds absolutely horrible.

flippinada · 30/08/2012 18:37

SpottedGurnard I think you sound like a lovely, bright and ambitious woman.

No wonder you are suffering with anxiety with this man in the background working hard to undermine you.

I'll share an anecdote from my early twenties, because I'm guessing (although I don't know) that you're around that age. I moved with my XP to a town miles away from both sets of friends and family to support him while he studied. We hadn't been in new place very long before he started on with the same sort of thing so this thread strikes a nerve with me.

I remember on one occasion being forced to constantly dial a number which kept coming up engaged, until I was on the verge of tears. This because he decided it must have been a missed call for a job I'd applied for and I wasn't looking hard enough. On another occasion I dared to let a call go to answerphone because I was busy doing something else (no idea what) and was screamed at for being an 'ignorant waste of space'.

How I wish I'd left then. I'm now in my late 30s and desperately trying to get back on track career wise after years of having my confidence knocked and being bullied to the point where I was scared of my own shadow. Don't let the same thing happen to you!

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 19:10

My love, my own DM buggered off to NZ when i left my ex. She then avoided my calls.

Getting rid of my ex.was the warm up act, my family are the main event.

The only people that have been there for me, without question, are the wonderful MN ers, and my few, but very dear RL friends.

Our families are usually what gets us into this mess.

We're here for you, for the long haul.

janelikesjam · 30/08/2012 19:15

Its not good to be undermined, OP. I am just sorry, in the economic climate, that you are not getting support. I think it must be quite painful.

giveitago · 30/08/2012 20:25

"They don't care about you, you're just a number to them"
"I don't get why you're even bothering going to work. No one will know you're not there"
"I don't get why you're working so hard, everyone else around you does so much less and gets better results"
"When I did your job I worked 11-1, hit the target number of people I needed to see and overachieved on sales. what are you doing wrong?!"

Wow - OP - so sorry that you are going through this. You are young and not so tied to him. You will get through this if you leave him and you'll find your own way and do well. And something tells me you'll do well and quickly once you are not helping someone else who puts you down achieve his dreams.

He sounds like a loser to me. That he can only big himself up with your help and reward you by putting you down.

Best of everything to you.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 30/08/2012 20:30

she is your mum, of course she wants you to come home if you are unhappy, just go. It sounds like you need time to reflect on what you are doing, why, and for whom. trust your instincts and go back to mum.

glastocat · 30/08/2012 22:18

Oh my, please go home! I'm sure your mum would be delighted to help!

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 30/08/2012 22:37

My parents would have me back in a heartbeat, I just need to figure out how to broach it with them and how to get all of my stuff out of this house as he will claim it is his.

We went out tonight. I have been stuck in all day going crazy. Ended up having many arguements. I have been reading up a lot on the introverts thread and was telling him that it was all making sense. According to him introvert just means shy and unconfident and if I try hard enough I can change.

Then there was the talk about me going abroad again and how "anyone else would love to go travelling". Not me.

And the putting me down as unfit, we were walking a long way up a 30% road, of course I was out of breath!

I am listening and thank you to those who have shared their experiences. I am awed at how many of you are here to support me. I am going back to my mums next weekend. I will use that time to create a battle plan.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 30/08/2012 22:41

wait till he's out and call a taxi. how much stuff do you have? and how much of it do you really, really need? you could be home with your parents tomorrow, and your new life underway.

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 30/08/2012 22:49

Lovebunny- Ive got a fair bit. Things that im not prepared to lose. I will speak to my dad and ask him if he could possibly come down and help just on case he tries to block me from getting my stuff.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/08/2012 22:54

Spotted
I just wanted to wish you luck. I think he is toxic for you and it would be great if you could get out before he sucks the life out of you. The good thing is that you have recognised the problem before you get trapped.