Do I let him move in with me ?

[jaffacake2]

Need advice as not sure to go with heart or mind decision.
Have been with a kind witty charmer for last 16mths.Have previously been on my own for 12 years following abusive marriage and have brought up 2 lovely daughters. This guy seemed like a breath of fresh air for me until discovered he is up to his eyes in debt,has no assets following collapse of his company.
He rents a small studio flat but could soon be evicted for non payment of rent. He works full time but on minimum wage so never seems to have any money.

What would you do ? Give him a home or keep financially secure but lonely without him?
Help please

What does your gut say? Sounds like you have reservations, and being frank, I would too.

Remember, you're not a charity. Sounds fairly brutal, but I would have reservations about allowing someone to move in if they're not even making the rent and they're described as a 'charmer'. Has he asked if he can move in?

Don't let him move in.

You'll end up being his own personal cash machine.

If he's telling you that he'll end the relationship if you don't let him move in, think of it as a lucky escape.

I wouldn't because I get the impression from your post that he is totally shit with money. You know you would end up bailing him out financially.

You're in a bit of a sticky situation - has he raised the subject of moving in with you?

Has he asked to move in with you or are you feeling that you should suggest it? If he didn't have money problems, would you be considering living with him?

You don't sound madly enthusiastic about the idea and I don't think I would want my financial future put in his hands, let him sort himself out.

i don't think you want him to move in, the options you've given say it all 'give him a home or be lonely without him'?

does wanting to spend all your life/time together not count?

Yes he feels it would help him get back on his feet and that he loves me. But somehow I dont quite feel right and makes me feel insecure.
I wonder if this is because I am used to being independant and taking on the responsibilty of the children over the years.
He has said that "you will be old and lonely but will keep your money"
Dont want to be lonely but also dont want to be used.

Do not be ridiculous. Cocklodger alert!!!!!

I take it you're pretty solvent, yes? Or sorted at least, stable home; decent job; car; not in heaps of debt, that kind of thing?

Has he been single long? Has he got form for moving in with people and bringing bad debt with him?

I wonder if you can contact any of his exes, that might prove enlightening.

No way, don't do it. Your instinct is telling you not to for very good reason!

Also two potentially reddish flags:

You called him a charmer in your first line. Why charmer?

'you will be old and lonely but will keep your money' is actually not a very nice thing to say to someone at all - let alone someone who's been in an abusive relationship. You'd like to think he would understand your fears and caution.

Blimey! Cross post!

He has said that "you will be old and lonely but will keep your money"

RED FLAG

The "you will be lonely" comment would ring huge alarm bills for me. If he was any sort of decent, he would thinking of ways to improve his financial situation so as to not have to cadge off you.

"bills" - bells - but would probably equally apply....

No way! What is he bringing to the table apart from his witty personality? Not a lot by the sounds of it.

I also don't like his plan to live off you in order to get himself back on his feet.

Has he offered to pay half the mortgage/rent/bills?

If he loved you, he'd sort his shit out so he had more to bring to the table. He would not try to manipulate you into accepting him debt and all, for a cocklodge.

Trust your instincts OP.

No way let him move in - he will ruin your credit rating
if he can't provide for himself he'll be expecting you to sub him

run away!

Absolutely not! And the emotional blackmail/manipulation attempt to make you feel guilty "you will be old and lonely but will keep all your money" is a bloody dumping offence - how bloody dare he threaten you with unhappiness because he has been shit enough with money to land himself in serious debt?

Absolutely do not move in with this man, and if I were you I'd consider letting things cool off a bit, too.

RED FLAG!

God, if that's what he said, shut the door and turn the key (preferably change your telephone number as well) - he really doesn't sound like a charmer.

Tbh, once he has got back on his feet by spending all your money, you will probably find yourself on your own again - just broke and demoralised with it.

He actually said you would be old and lonely? He can fuck right off!

He probably feels like a charmer just because he is kind and affectionate compared to my ex husband who was controlling and abusive. So maybe I have just got caught up with the romance or am I being a cynic about his lack of money?
Is it better to be happy with him but maybe a cash resevoir or back alone and sad?

Come on though, Jaffa. You wouldn't really be happy in the long-term knowing this guy is only treating you like a shagable cash machine

Compared with my abusive ex, my most recent ex was lovely - except he wasn't - don't allow an abusive ex to let you set such low standards.

Ooooh emotional blackmail... Don't let him move in & if I were you,I'd be looking for the best opportunity to get rid of him. What an unkind thing to say to you,he should be trying to sort himself out - to be expecting you to bail him out. Doesn't even sound as though he would treat any bail out you gave him as a loan. He doesn't sound much of a catch tbh. Whereas you sound strong,independent,savvy & like you can do much better than having him leach off you & speak to you in such a manner.

• not to be expecting