Do I let him move in with me ?

[jaffacake2]

Need advice as not sure to go with heart or mind decision.
Have been with a kind witty charmer for last 16mths.Have previously been on my own for 12 years following abusive marriage and have brought up 2 lovely daughters. This guy seemed like a breath of fresh air for me until discovered he is up to his eyes in debt,has no assets following collapse of his company.
He rents a small studio flat but could soon be evicted for non payment of rent. He works full time but on minimum wage so never seems to have any money.

What would you do ? Give him a home or keep financially secure but lonely without him?
Help please

And yes sadly I have lent him money owes me £750 why have I been so stupid?

... says

You know what? £750 is cheap for getting rid of a cocklodger.

I really, really like izzyin's idea of www.moneyclaim.gov.uk/web/mcol/welcome. I've used it. It is so much fun. And it'll screw the sod's credit record.

He's a user. You got off cheap.

You'll be well rid of this one. Unfortunately it's quite common for women who have had one arsehole partner to pick another one who is also an arsehole but of a different type eg, if your last DP was violent, you will look for one who isn't violent but might overlook that he is lazy, or verbally abusive or (like this one) a con artist after your money.
Bin him and move on.

Big thank you ladies I needed your words of wisdom xx
Dumping bin nearby for him wish me luck

Very sound advice here.

Cocklodger alert. Sounds as though all he'd really "bring to the table" is a shed load of debt.

I reckon the charm would wear off pretty quickly as well.

If you should again find yourself facing a choice of being alone and solvent or bankrupt and deserted (because that's what they do after they've drained you dry) by a cocklodger, visit your nearest cat rehoming scheme and put your name down for a couple of moggies

Btw, as the loser charmer will inevitably whinge and whine and beg and plead after you've broken the news that he's dumped, you might want to practise putting your fingers in your ears and singing 'la la la' before you tell him to go to the far side of fuck and fuck off some more when he gets there.

This guy is going to charm you out of your money and he is being kind enough to give inadvertent hints. Run op.

red flags red flags red flags

don't do it. you are worth better.

No, absolutely do not let this man in your lovely home.

RED FLAGS everywhere!

Debts he didn't tell you about
Already owes you money
You have been paying out for him without realising and that could have gone to better use
He is being manipulative and controlling to try to get his feet under the table, can you imagine what he would be like if you allowed him to move in?

You made it, you keep it.

I predict that even if you dump him, he'll still come back with at least one more tale of woe about how he desperately needs your money.

Izzy and Coppertop are right; be prepared for further tales of woe from this potential 'cocklodger'. Stay strong and remember, by dumping his sorry arse, you're doing the best for your DCs and you.

He is not a stray dog that needs re-homing!

He has/is defaulting on his rent = he is unreliable.

You will not be lonely without him, however he will be reliant on you financially. Save yourself a lot of heartache and suggest he lodges with friends/family.

Phew! Well done, wise woman

All the best. Remember you're worth rather more than him, in every possible sense. Hope you'll post back!

Jaffa,
I'm in agreement with everyone else on the thread.

If you are at a loss for what to say when he is bathing you in pleads, begs, rants, insults, etc try saying:
"Just tell it to the next one" and end the conversation. If in person, holding up your hand as in "speak to the hand, 'cause no other part of me is listening" might be a good body language gesture to back up your words.

Btw, being alone does not always mean a negative in sadness. And he did slip a bit in saying "...alone with your money"... Hello, yes it is your money, make no mistake about it and that isn't going to change.

Good luck to you and this is just another shining moment for the great service MN provides in helping people.

'Give him a home or keep financially secure but lonely without him?'

c) Find someone who is actually worth caring about.

So glad to see that you have decided to bin him entirely! Definitely a Bad Plan to have him move in and the more I read, a Bad Plan to still have him sponging off you at all.

I did what you were thinking of once - I'm still £4k out of pocket on it and will never see that money back again. Live and learn.

Well done for making this decision.

You are NOT stupid - far from it.

You posted on here because deep down your instincts were screaming at you.

That's why you subconsciously used language such as 'charmer' to alert us all to his cocklodgerness.

You sound fab and kind and intelligent.

Onwards and upwards, love.

It often takes between 18m and 2 years for.an abuser to show their true colours, you're not out of the.woods with him on that front either.

My guess is that he'd change.the minute he'd move in.

Well done, your instincts.have worked, end it.asap, you won't be lonely, you'll be safe, you'll be happy, and you'll find someone that.is worth it.

What have you done to help yourself since the abusive relationship? Counselling.is ideal, The Freedom Programme is good too.

Its weird feeling of relief and fear this morning.
I know talking/reading all your thoughts that my instincts are right on this man but he had managed to make me feel emotionally vulnerable and that he was my knight in shining,or maybe rusty,armour.
All the feelings of fear from the past are now returning. Will he hit me? Shout swear like my ex husband did.He has never shown a violent side but I am feeling so anxious.
He didnt phone me last night so may appear this evening.
I know he has got to go but am sure this is not going to be pleasent.
Thanks gang for the support
Day of work first though. False smile on.

You could arrange to meet him in a public place, if you are worried. Or even ring the local police DV unit and let them know that you are ending a relationship with an arsehole and there might be trouble.

Also, if he has a key to your house, change the locks today (he doesn' live there so has no right to enter whatsoever) and bag up any belongings of his that are in your home, ready to give back to him. Best of luck.

Very good points SGB. Get the locks changed today if he has keys.
Utter cocklodger, huge red flags.
I am on my own following abusive relationships and its bloody bliss.

Jaffa, glad you're binning him.

I had experience of a similar charmer/cocklodger. Once he had moved in, he spent his short time in residence going through my private things and gathering up any cash to pay for beer and tabs and he called an estate agent in to value my house!

After I binned him and he said I would end up sad and lonely too, lol! He rang up several times to borrow my savings. 10 years on, he's still at his mums!