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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I let him move in with me ?

78 replies

jaffacake2 · 28/08/2012 18:32

Need advice as not sure to go with heart or mind decision.
Have been with a kind witty charmer for last 16mths.Have previously been on my own for 12 years following abusive marriage and have brought up 2 lovely daughters. This guy seemed like a breath of fresh air for me until discovered he is up to his eyes in debt,has no assets following collapse of his company.
He rents a small studio flat but could soon be evicted for non payment of rent. He works full time but on minimum wage so never seems to have any money.

What would you do ? Give him a home or keep financially secure but lonely without him?
Help please Sad

OP posts:
seeker · 28/08/2012 18:55

"He has said that "you will be old and lonely but will keep your money"

He said what?

Don't even think about letting him more in.

He will threaten to leave you if you don't- you will need to be strong.

Portofino · 28/08/2012 18:57

Not back alone and sad - back on the market for a lovely bloke who is NOT a cock lodger.

Nat38 · 28/08/2012 18:58

Sounds like hes playing the guilt trip on you. He will sponge off you if you let him move in & then probably leave you once he is back on his feet! Sorry to be so blunt<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> Guys like that just make me so <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Angry" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/angry-BLHnmhGV.png"> Sounds like you are having huge reservations aswell, go with your gut instinct, if hes not right for you, there is someone out there who is!!Smile

Bunnyjo · 28/08/2012 18:59

He has said that "you will be old and lonely but will keep your money"

Op - run fast and don't look back. He might seem like a he's charming and kind, but your previous abusive experience is clouding your judgement. You know he will use you, you know this isn't right - you wouldn't have posted otherwise. Please don't let his emotional manipulation/blackmail get to you; you deserve better, much better, than this

dondon33 · 28/08/2012 19:00

Even if he has offered to pay half of the bills? How long for, he's obviously not been paying his own rent for some time if he's on the verge of eviction.
I could accept debts from hard times/business going bust or similar but to get in a situation with the roof over your own head says a lot iyswim.

I wouldn't let him move in with me, he sounds fecking useless with money. Also what he said to you is not right.

The cocklodger alarm is screaming and I feel you are right to doubt this.

Be careful and be wise.

Original poster
jaffacake2 · 28/08/2012 19:00

Thanks for all the comments.
Its amazing that once you hear other peoples thoughts it all becomes clearer.
Yes you are all right I am not going to let him move in. Just cos someone has been kind doesnt mean I owe them.
When you have been in an abusive marriage it is hard to know a normal perspective in a relationship.

OP posts:
LemarchandsBox · 28/08/2012 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreChap · 28/08/2012 19:03

He rents a small studio flat but could soon be evicted for non payment of rent. He works full time but on minimum wage so never seems to have any money

You jest.

How's that going to make your - or your 2 DD - lives any better?

expatinscotland · 28/08/2012 19:03

WTAF?! 'Old and lonely'. As if you're such a bad person you can't get anything and have to settle for some cocklodger who can't even pay his rent? That's a manipulative, controlling thing to say.

He says it'll 'help him get back on his feet'? That's not your job, it's his. He's an adult.

And a major loser.

He's on his own and 'never has any money'.

Bet you've been footing the bill for everything you do with him the past 16 months.

Dump this reject.

mankymummymoo · 28/08/2012 19:06

you will be "back alone and sad" without any money once the cash reservoir runs out in my experience.

Tell him to bugger off if the only choice to continuing the relationship is to let him sponge off you.

Does he have no respect?!

Portofino · 28/08/2012 19:10

Listen to the instincts that made you post the question in the first place. My dh was lodging with a friend after a relationship breakdown and working in a temporary job. He wasn't the best "catch" if you want to put it in those terms, when I owned my own house/car etc and was totally self - supporting. But he was trying - applying for better jobs, studying etc He did a degree quite late in life. He always paid his own way and never looked to me to sub him. He paid off his own student loan. He now is in a senior management role, and out-earns me. Yours sounds entirely different as he is actually making threats! Its not just that he has found himself in a bad place - but that he is expecting you to sort it. Never, ever good.

LemarchandsBox · 28/08/2012 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2Fergus · 28/08/2012 19:28

Id keep him and his debt well away from your and DCs door.

DontmindifIdo · 28/08/2012 19:39

BTW - bare in mind, to him, it is clear that you being together when you are old without him having spent all your money is not something he can comprehend happening. He is saying he will spend all your money. He will not join you in building savings for retirement, he will not move in and at least pay his way, he is saying it will take all your money to be with him long term.

Think about this - he is telling you the truth - he won't pay his way, he won't ever be in a situation to support you, he won't ever save for old age. He expects you to provide for him, he will be a drain on you and what he brings to the table is his company.

ToothbrushThief · 28/08/2012 19:41

Run!

madonnawhore · 28/08/2012 19:43
ErikNorseman · 28/08/2012 19:45

Sorry of I missed something but why can't he move elsewhere and carry on going out with you? Has he threatened to break up with you if he can't move in?
Just Say No!

BandersnatchCummerbund · 28/08/2012 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Corygal · 28/08/2012 19:53

He's after your flat, not you. Don't take it personally, even he doesn't mean it as an insult - that's just the kind of user he is.

I had one of these (oh dear, that's the second frightful loser I have confessed to dating today on mnet) - his most romantic remark was 'I'll move in here and sublet my flat - I can get housing benefit for it too, you know'.

They can get quite keen, by the way - now I think about it, I had to threaten to call the police to get him out.

Does he stare, transfixed and melting-eyed, at your handbag? Mine did. Admittedly this one was insanely good in bed but on balance, I'd pop him in the bin.

Original poster
jaffacake2 · 28/08/2012 19:58

When I think about it yes I have paid out for most things over the last 16 mths,what an idiot !!!!
And yes sadly I have lent him money owes me £750 why have I been so stupid? Feel like a complete fool Sad

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2012 19:59

Him being a charmer is a freudian slip as they say which is always said in jest, but is really your unconscious pinging those boundary wires.

Dont do it, if this is the best you think you can do and not be lonely its you, you need to look at not him. Keep your nest and your girls to yourself, go find someone who ticks the boxes for solvent, job, own space and brings something to the table, it may sounds mercenary but lifes like that sometimes.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2012 20:00

sorry x posted I rest my case, sorry op, get rid before it gets out of hand, and learn from this experience x

LemarchandsBox · 28/08/2012 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigkidsdidit · 28/08/2012 20:07

You're not a fool, your instincts kicked in :)

izzyizin · 28/08/2012 20:09

Aw, honey, don't beat yourself up.

It could have been a lot worse and would have been if you'd been foolish enough to let him get his feet under your table.

While he's still got an address that you know of, go to money claim online and institute proceedings for the recovery of the £750 he owes you.