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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I feeling like this!!!!

78 replies

Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:00

Evening ladies....

I could do with a kick up the bum and I hope you will oblige!!!

Husband left 15 months ago, after a very stormy 5/6 years, including meeting a girl on the Internet, web cams, sex texts etc.

Me and the kids have coped quite well through all of this and now have a become a great little unit. Son still sees his dad, and our daughter doesn't and has no desire to(very bad relationship , including a huge fight, and then social services involvement)

Exh is in debt - knew about some of it- but found more once he has left.

We started mediation last week - and now he had announced he has a new relationship .

I feel like I have failed ... Not upset or anything, but just what if he makes this work with her , and couldn't with me!

I know it's utter nonsense... But still!

OP posts:
Mellower · 27/08/2012 19:10

Men generally move on quicker than women, it is easy to say "don't be upset by it". but it's going to take adjustment.

Let her enjoy the cheating, web cams, sex texts etc. she will soon wonder what she has been missing. Hmm

Remember why you split up, it's normal for it to take time to get over a 5/6 year relationship.

He is/was a sex mad internet twat!

ladyWordy · 27/08/2012 19:17

No you haven't failed. Whatever he did while he was with you, he will do with the new partner. Guaranteed. No-one gets a personality transplant... :) so if you're glad to be free of your ex, Ms New Partner is in for a not so great surprise some time soon.

Is that the kind of kick you wanted Grin

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:17

Thanks ... We were actually married for 18 years.

I have had a new relationship, which is over now, but happened only a few months after the spilt, so it's not like i have been sitting here sad and lonely! But still it bothers me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:19

Oh yes!!! That's the kind of kick I needed!!!

I seem to have it in my head that he will be a changed person with this new gf.... But leopard don't change their spots eh?

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 27/08/2012 19:24

You're right, they never do..... She will get the exact same guy, only a bit older! Grin

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:28

Thanks Ladies ... Keep it coming that's what I need to hear.!!

His excuse for all the online activity was because Iam fat ( which to be fair Iam!)

Desperately worried that she will be slim and lovely!!!

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 27/08/2012 19:28

Typing my STBXH left about a year ago...years of EA, some dv, and he had signed up for online dating when I wouldn't go owl watching with him. Yes, really... a couple of threads on here about it at the time. He very quickly got himself another relationship. Apparently, he has just found someone else to tolerate his nonsense. Even at this early 'loved up' stage, the family do one thing, and he sits on his lap top, surgically attached to his headphones etc. It was easier to find someone to put up with him, that look at what an Arse he was, and change himself I suppose. I didn't want to tolerate it any more, and neither did you. Good luck!

ParsleyTheLioness · 27/08/2012 19:29

Ah, Typing, yes! one of our problems was I was fat. And lo and behold, new woman is fatter than me!

Mellower · 27/08/2012 19:30

Ah I wasn't going to say but mine was 16 years and it takes time.

He is with another and the same that was happening in this house is now happening in their house. He is the same man, same traits some of which yours had.

Better off out of it, yes it is painful at times (blasted 6 or 7 good memories) but I feel a bit, well I expected to be married forever, sadly it doesn't always work that way and sometimes it is for the best for everyone. Smile

Mine has a baby too, so we have step this and that..... I refuse to think about that just now!

You will be just fine!

Mellower · 27/08/2012 19:32

Mine is no oil painting - which was a surprise, younger but very badly messed up in the head.

They are perfect for each other.

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:36

Ahh thank you all!!

I agree that it's easier to find a new model than to take a long hard look at himself. In mediation everything was my fault ... Didn't actually take any responsibility for anything!!!

We were meant to be there today but he cancelled at the last minute .
An finding all that hard - as I haven't been in a room with him for ages , so Iam sure that makes it all more emotional

OP posts:
Mellower · 27/08/2012 19:46

Yes, I like not seeing/speaking/thinking about mine to be honest! I have him in a little section under "blocked bastard" I only open when necessary or if I hear from a solicitor, Social Worker or something random.

I even blocked myself from his facebook, then anyone who was a friend of mine and they friended him, they also got blocked, so yes blocked works for me. Just now.

Mines was a proper horror though, it will all be very fresh in your mind today, anything that comes out my blocked place can stay for up to a week, it's horrid.

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 21:12

Yep ... I have done the blocked Facebook thing as well ... It seems to work!!

Iam sure this is just a phase - which will pass.

Sorry to hear that there are others who have gone through similar stuff x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2012 21:16

feel sorry for the new woman

she has all the shit to come that you had to go through...and more besides

whereas you...you are on the other side Smile

Mellower · 27/08/2012 21:17

The Facebook is a front anyway, of what they want you to think! Grin

gofeckoffforgoodyougoodfornothingbastard

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 22:38

"she's getting the same guy -only older" that's my mantra for this evening!!
Thanks

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 27/08/2012 22:53

As someone else said, nobody gets a personality transplant. I got with my ex a couple of months after he broke up with his last gf (I know, sigh) and while he painted a picture of them simply being incompatible, it later transpired he was a lying, cheating douchebag - and he still remained while he was with me. I guarantee that his next gf - be it some poor sap off the street or the woman he cheated on me with, won't suddenly get a prince from a cockroach, they don't have the presence of mind, empathy or motivation to look inside themselves and change their behaviour - in their minds, they're already brilliant.

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 28/08/2012 12:55

Feeling brighter about it all this morning .

Went swimming yesterday evening and power walked this am, trying to lose some weight , and I have to say according to today's clothes it's working!!
The legal aid solicitor rang this am - so that ball is rolling.

On a bum note - exh has decided to make arrangements with our son rather than me.
Our son sees a counseller and this is one of the issues that came up - he wants me and his dad to sort out arrangements but exh won't listen.. Hates not being control !! (exh not son)
Son has asked him to text me instead ... Oh the joys

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 28/08/2012 21:18

Good for you Typing... a new you is emerging! :)

I suppose XH will continue to control for as long as he can, which sounds like a complete pain. All you can say is, mediation won't go on for ever, and he's got a whole new person to control/annoy now (lucky her.... not).

Wishing you well during these trying times...

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 29/08/2012 22:13

Thanks for the good wishes!

And I hadn't thought about him having a whole new person to control - yippee! This could mean that my life will be a little bit calmer.

He turned up tonight to collect ds, he normally sits outside and just reves his engine but neither of us heard him he had to ring the doorbell, when I answered he turned his back, without a word and went back to the car. Charming man !!!

OP posts:
DistressedMumHELP · 29/08/2012 22:17

typing it is only a matter of time before he does the exact same thing to her, be it in a months time or ten years. Leopards dont change their spots!! YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM AND DESERVE MORE

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 29/08/2012 22:47

Just need to keep reminding myself that ... Guess he did a good job on me eh - need to sort out the old self esteem

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 30/08/2012 21:42

Me again !!!

Having a bad evening with it all again ... I suppose this is all part of the process?

Grrrrr - I need to get it out of my head .. Help!!!

OP posts:
Mellower · 30/08/2012 21:56

You need to try block it out, do something don't think about him
Yes I think is part of process, I am a few months more than you with the stupidity of thinkking we may get back togerther until December 2011 after letting him, talk me around that "we could work things out". I was stringing on to 16 of marriage, nothing else, it still hurts, he had a baby last week. This hurts but I do not allow it to take over or hurt me too much, I only thought of it just now for first time today...and (I felt a little stab of hurt - now it's blocked out again) it is not my life anymore, try to distance yourself as much as possible. It's difficult.

What hurt you about it the most?

I am awaiting seeing a counseller as I can never imagine another man being in this house again and apparently thinking this way is not good. Hmm Time heals as does doing new things, I need to find more "new things" to do! I also could never imagine ex being here.

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 30/08/2012 22:20

Thanks for the reply ....

What hurts the most? Well I worry that who ever it is will be able to put up with him - and I will have failed! Which I think is more about me than him tbh!

And I worry about the kids maintenance money ... He has had weeks already where he has stopped paying .. And I can see now his got entertaining to do this trend will continue ...

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