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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I feeling like this!!!!

78 replies

Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:00

Evening ladies....

I could do with a kick up the bum and I hope you will oblige!!!

Husband left 15 months ago, after a very stormy 5/6 years, including meeting a girl on the Internet, web cams, sex texts etc.

Me and the kids have coped quite well through all of this and now have a become a great little unit. Son still sees his dad, and our daughter doesn't and has no desire to(very bad relationship , including a huge fight, and then social services involvement)

Exh is in debt - knew about some of it- but found more once he has left.

We started mediation last week - and now he had announced he has a new relationship .

I feel like I have failed ... Not upset or anything, but just what if he makes this work with her , and couldn't with me!

I know it's utter nonsense... But still!

OP posts:
MaidenAunt · 31/08/2012 08:40

Hello Typing.

It was only at the end (and in the months following) that I discovered the real extent of my X's lies, his dishonesty being something I'd always 'known' about but somehow kidded myself he wouldn't do the same to me. He did and still does. But the point is he will do the same with anyone including the OW who is "the love of his life". How do I know?

Him: I've only told xxxx one lie
Me: Oh? what was that?
Him: That we were over when I met her
Me: I see.
Him: She hates you by the way
Me: Really? How come? (i've never met her and don't know her)
Him: Because she says you're weak

Not one lie, not two, but many. He has to lie, he doesn't know how not to.

So whether or not your DH's gf puts up with him it is not a reflection of 'failure' on your part. It sounds to me like you believe that if only you'd loved him enough/found the key to making him happy/whatever other archaic rubbish still knocking around about who's responsible for who in relationships - you'd still be together and happy.

If I'm right, let that unhelpful and wholly misguided idea go.

FWIW 18m down the line and on those days I look back and ask myself how come we ended so badly and I make myself remember that despite how destroyed I felt, I actually hated him for some time before the end. It keeps me going.
Hope this helps.

MaidenAunt · 31/08/2012 08:43

Oh, and make a claim with the CSA - ask them to take maintenance direct from his pay. (sadly, it all comes down to money in the end and if it's been an issue whilst you were 'together' it surely will be now you're not)

ladyWordy · 31/08/2012 11:44

Putting up with his behaviour would be, in the jargon, an Epic Fail. Wink

Hold your head high. You got out, she's getting in, and she has no idea what's coming her way (sadly).....

ParsleyTheLioness · 31/08/2012 16:47

Typing my STBXH used to lie all the time. So much so that I had mentally, and quite unconsciously developed a filter. Whenever he told me anything, I ran it through the filter, which recognised subconsciously that was probably a fair amount of BS in what I was being told. The filter assessed whether it was worthy of further investigation, or did not matter. This was a bloke who would lie when the truth would have served him better ...mostly cos witch mil was very controlling and he used to do it as a kid to get some indepence, and never seemed to realise he didn't have to do it any more.

Don't forget, OW is presumably still in the honeymoon phase, so he hasn't upped the ante yet, but he most likely will.

Aunt how very cowardly, 'electing' OW to slag you off with things he won't take responsibility for saying, but wants to My mother when she wanted to give an opinion, andwouldn't 'own' it, used to say someone else had said it, and if questioned further would say they were now dead! I call it doing a Burke & Hair when sis and I are discussing it.

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 31/08/2012 17:45

Hi ladies

Thanks to you all for replying - its all helping!

parsley - totally get the bit about lying, especially when the truth would have served him better. No controlling Mil - ages quite a nice last - but Fil does lying for an Olympic sport - so I guess it's ingrained in him.

Maidan - in Ireland - no Csa here - which is a shame .
And yes I guess there is a bit of me that thinks j could of done thinks differently ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 31/08/2012 17:46

Sorry that should have said - shes quite a nice lady!!

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 31/08/2012 19:59

Typing stop it! We could all have done certain things differently. I could have been thinner, nicer, not been a vegetarian, agreed with him on everything. He could have been thinner, nicer, not abusive, a liar, signed up for online dating, gaslighted me...do you see where I'm going with this?! Grin

SirSugar · 31/08/2012 21:15

My guess is at some point in the future she will probably contact you because she has the same problem with him as you had; and you will be thinking thank fuck thats all behind me

struwelpeter · 31/08/2012 21:43

Dear Typing,
I let my abusive taunt back into my thoughts and inbox in the past week and like you am sitting here doing the "if only" game in my head too.
One thing you are doing fantastically is giving other posters and I bet a fair few lurkers the chance to empathise but also have their butts kicked vicariously.
In the end as well as walking on eggshells, I realised that I could stand on my head and give him six bjs a night but it still wouldn't make any difference.
One thing with more distance is that I start to be more objective about the hurt and my feelings so I do see progress.
Of course, they want to paint a picture of it all being roses but when eventually the next great romance tarnishes in the harsh light of ordinary life you know what he'll do.
Karma's a bitch and will catch up with him sooner or later. Have some Wine

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 02/09/2012 19:58

Argggghhh - now he's taking my ds bowling with her tonight!

Oh well onwards and upwards

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 02/09/2012 20:47

Ouch.... that is no fun. At all. :(

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 02/09/2012 22:34

No!!
But just another step on the journey eh

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 03/09/2012 13:00

Afternoon!

Son home for lunch from school and seemed to enjoy himself!
Have found said girlfriend on Facebook ( I know!) and she's very good looking and a lot younger than me!

I feel sick .....

OP posts:
Mellower · 03/09/2012 18:21

Oh dear typing, she may be attractive/younger but you don't really know what she is like as a person.

My ex is with a 20 year old, which doesn't surprise me as he alwqays had a thing for "teenage porn", pervert.

Anyway, I know it hurts but this does not change anything my ex's relationship is shit with his younger model but they stay together, you and me are different we chose not to live with such a person, this younger lady your ex is dating may do the same or she may stay in a horrid relationship.

Remember to call CSA, this is not being evil in any way just ensuring your children get what is entitled to them, my ex chooses not to work so we get £10 per fortnight. yay! bastard

Please block yourself from whatever facebook page you can see.

ladyWordy · 03/09/2012 18:44

In your position, I would probably have to hide somewhere and scream...

Hope you have some RL friends you can offload to! Any human being needs a friend in these circs. Brew

As for younger model, it seems the younger they are the easier they are to con. Some of the nicest young women have a man blind spot.

She'll learn that what you see is not necessarily what you get- but it takes time, and presumably you will have to suffer more reports from ds in the interim. :( really sorry.

Mellower · 03/09/2012 18:52

Yeah it's going to hurt.

I am thankful my children overheard ex's g/friend shouting at me (over telephone) so they now refuse to go near her. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do. they will most likely meet at some point for now it is away in the distant future.

I have heard recently that electric shock treatment to the brain are coming back in and someone had a the year of her husbands death removed, I sometimes wish I could have this but think it may lead to more confusion. I wouldn't know which year to remove, when he left, last year when he wanted to come back, this year when they have their baby. Or maybe just the past 16, even then I think I would wonder where my dc have came from Confused

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 04/09/2012 11:05

Thanks ladies for the support !

Well it doesn't change who he is does it ... I mean he could have a 100 good looking women on his arm - but he would still be who he is!!!

Seem to have gone down a dress size - been trying to lose a few pounds - so there is some good news!!

Mellower - you sound like you have had a tough time - do you feel you are out the other side yet?

OP posts:
Mellower · 04/09/2012 18:01

I would love to say yes but no, not yet, I am having counselling though, 3 sets, Grin one I am still on the waiting list for, one I started today which last for 11 more weeks, another has 4 more weeks, so I feel like I am in constant counselling atm even though it is only 2 days a per, my ex was abusive though and controlling, he used to detest me coming on here,(because men came on the site too Hmm)

I used to name change and he knew everytime, which was baffling for me, then I found out he had installed a programme onto this PC, which he could log into and read every word I typed!! So hopefully by the end of this counselling I will be a bit lots better. Smile

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 05/09/2012 22:15

I had counselling too - made a huge difference to me - it's great to just invest some time In yourself .

Here's hoping things will get better for you - thanks for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 07/09/2012 10:57

Morning!

Starting to feel much better about it all -seems she's not such a nice girl after all ( small town - too much gossip!!!) so they are welcome to each other!!

The other downside is that he is now back in town more often ( works in the next city so often stayed there and wAsnt around ) walking home from work last night and realised he was next to me In the traffic! Sad thing is that he is actually seeing our ds less! I suppose a shag takes presidence over your child!

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 07/09/2012 22:57

Ah, not such a nice girl then..... Sounds like they do deserve each other!
I suppose, if your ds sees his dad a little less, at least he won't come home with too many reports on the new relationship (ugh).... that's one small thing...

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 08/09/2012 01:12

Just remember he has gone for someone younger bc he probably thinks she will be more inclined to put up with his shit.
Watch that space..lol

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 08/09/2012 09:23

Oh I will be watching it - I wish I was a fly on the wall!!

His sisters have always thought I was common and not good enough for him- yea gods they will chew this one up!

OP posts:
Mellower · 08/09/2012 19:50

Typing it would seem we have the same ex.

His new g/friend was in jail and takes methadone! She even has the "junkie voice" when she used to call me I would imitate her voice, that was fun! She also texted me the first time the "made love". She is still very wary though, I have a phone which I would leave on as ex had the number, she detsted this,she would threaten me with "if you don't turn off number ending in 678 I swear I will drive to commit suicide nice.

I was going to wait until she was not pregnant for once and go and do something to her but tbh, it's a waste of my time.

I have kept all her 106 texts though, just incase I need them in the years to come.

I should have gone for counselling earlier but belived I was fine, I wasn't ! Grin But I'm doing it now and should be good for next year!

Mellower · 08/09/2012 19:51

sorry typing too fast "drive me to commit suicide" stupid junkie bitch

I'm still here