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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I feeling like this!!!!

78 replies

Typinginsecret · 27/08/2012 19:00

Evening ladies....

I could do with a kick up the bum and I hope you will oblige!!!

Husband left 15 months ago, after a very stormy 5/6 years, including meeting a girl on the Internet, web cams, sex texts etc.

Me and the kids have coped quite well through all of this and now have a become a great little unit. Son still sees his dad, and our daughter doesn't and has no desire to(very bad relationship , including a huge fight, and then social services involvement)

Exh is in debt - knew about some of it- but found more once he has left.

We started mediation last week - and now he had announced he has a new relationship .

I feel like I have failed ... Not upset or anything, but just what if he makes this work with her , and couldn't with me!

I know it's utter nonsense... But still!

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 09/09/2012 14:27

God give me strength !!!

He is now going to France on Tuesday - whilst still owing me money for maintenance !!!

DD has gone back to college oweing a grand for her fees!! And he's going to fucking France !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 09/09/2012 14:35

God!! Iam so upset here!!

Sorry to keep going on - but he's so selfish! My poor , poor children - he really doesn't give a shit about them - as long as he is ok.

OP posts:
ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 17:11

He does sound very selfish :(
You're not going on at all you're telling it how it is. Worst is if you say anything it will make him think you give a shit about him.. Does he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 09/09/2012 17:16

Yes - in theory he does .... In practice .. There are some payments missing!

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ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 19:05

What an arsehole. Make it legal now then so he can't just miss them when he feels like it. I bet you're glad to be shot of him x

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 09/09/2012 19:18

Well we don't have CSa here but I will be taking it to court - and looking for an attachment of earnings!

He is entitled to move on with his life . But he has responsibilities first!

Am glad to be rid of him - yes!! But feel sad that my marriage ended.

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ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 19:21

Good let him know you mean business

And i know what you mean..I'm sorry x But it sounds like it wasn't that brilliant and he's also a thoughtless twit

{{Hugs}}

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 09/09/2012 19:35

Thank you for the hugs And the support - its really great to be able to come here and rant!!!

No, your right it wasnt brilliant - a porn addiction, lying, cheating, sacked from 5 jobs in 9 years, the list is endless!!!
Our eldest dc does not speak to him at all - its a very sad situation !

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ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 20:15

I'm guessing he left you feeling like you had failed though .. i have never been married but i can see how the end of a marriage could make you feel.

As the child of a relationship like the above, i don't have anything to do with my dad now, nor do my children. His loss. I still had my mom and she was and is all the parent i need.

Your children will feel the same without a doubt. One day he will realise what he walked away from, by which time you will just look at him with pity.
Get the money he owes you sorted so your DC's don't miss out and arrange for him to pick them up from another location if seeing him makes things worse. Thats if they're old enough to meet him somewhere.

I hope he chokes on a frogs leg or something Wink

Mellower · 09/09/2012 20:45

I don't think you would be human if you were not sad the marriage ended, even with my messed up marriage I was upset it ended, I meant my vows he didn't, he shat all over them, he also had a porn addiction.

Get something in place so he cannot coose when to pay and not to pay.

and Rant Away! It's good to have somewhere to vent! Smile

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 12/09/2012 10:54

How do you get to the point that you let this shite go over your head!!

I am aware I need to let this go - but not sure how I do it

OP posts:
Mellower · 12/09/2012 18:56

I don't know Typing, I am still a bit messedup over it all too, so sadly don't have the answers, no-one knows I feel like this, I just need to wait on therapy I guess and hope it all goes away soon and I might start praying also - I just want to forget. I have in some way but in some ways I have not. They are the ones which tug at me.

I went on a date today and again, nothing....I have no idea how many I have been on now, possibly 10? Surely they cannot all have faults? I don't know, I do know I have had enough of dating for just now though. I didn't expect to be living this life so I guess I'm still a little bit lost just now.

Sorry I cannot be of more help just now, I have good days and bad days though, I am possibly on a bad day today.

I think meeting the "right" man may help,if he exists,I am unsure how he would fit in right now tbh!

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 12/09/2012 21:29

Ahhh Mellower - it's hard isn't it!

I have had a few dates - I even had a 6 month relationship - for me it's just that mediation has just started so its all being brought up and then slap bang in the middle of it all he starts seeing his new gf!!

I don't want him back , don't miss him, not really lonely, he is just annoying the what name out me at present!

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ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 12/09/2012 21:35

Maybe look at him, remember what he did and that he's someone elses' problem now. Its all i can suggest. Dont be too hard on yourself 15 months is nowhere near long enough. Get a counsellor or good friend. Talk about it till it doesn't hurt so much any more.
His new GF's name is probably pamela and she has five daughters
Grin

Mellower · 13/09/2012 07:55

No I don't miss mine, woudnt take it back etc.

Just wish he would get out my head.

It's mch easier datin at 19/20/21/22.

I have 2 supposed dates this weekend but cannot be bothered tbh. We shall see Smile

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 14/09/2012 08:16

Hope the dates go well !!

Well, he told our ds that he was going to France alone - but then posted pictures up on Facebook!!
It would seem he has taken her on an exact same holiday as we went on - including visiting the same water park!! What's that all about?
Now - she's not in the photos - but I can't imagine he went to a water park on his own. Stupid man!
Our DD saw the photos on Facebook - so both the kids know he is lying

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Original poster
Typinginsecret · 17/09/2012 09:46

Struggling today girls ... If anyone is around with words of wisdom!!!

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TheNorthWitch · 17/09/2012 11:26

I think you need to redefine failure. It is not always a negative thing though it is often seen as such. The failure of a bad relationship, a job that's not right for you, a way of thinking that doesn't work is a sign of positive growth in your life - not bad at all, even though it may feel very painful at the time. Try and see it from a different angle (your great future now that you're rid of a toxic twat)).

Your ex's behaviour has caused the end of your marriage because HE failed to appreciate what he had and preferred tacky porn sites/ow. He will probably fail to change and continue on the same way - by the time he's on his third 'great new relationship' you will merely shrug and be glad it's not you!

If possible I would avoid his facebook page it will only stir up your imagination. As others have said it is not reality and only what they want you to believe. They may have been arguing half the time - you don't know. 'Don't judge your insides by others' outsides' - Susan Elliot (Getting Past your Past) He's too lazy to even think of somewhere different to take her! Or too intent on getting back at you - either way it's not the basis of a healthy relationship is it? Your DC's will make their own minds up about it - let them.

For now concentrate on sorting out finances, going no contact as much as possible (mediation will not last forever - protect yourself while it does - trying to focus on practicalities might help) and do things to make you happy. As another poster said you wouldn't have got a prince from a cockroach - you've had a lucky escape - celebrate it!

Mellower · 18/09/2012 06:53

Faceboook is a farce. My ex has now taken his down as he realised it was making his son detest him more and more, he as also having visits with new g/friends children when he is not to be with them as they are in care and only unsupervised when with her, there he was pushing them on swings, taking them out and as soon as SW started sniffing around down it came.

No contact cut off your numbers from him, block him seeing your facebook page (this somehow blocks you from his) realise this is all a show and try to move on.

Don't punish yourself anymore,I know it is difficult but try to remove yourself away from his situation completely.

Date was so terrrible I cancelled the other and lay depressed for a weekend. So not the way to go!!

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 18/09/2012 14:42

Just bumped into new girlfriend - I have to say - his taste has gone downhill!!!

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ladyWordy · 18/09/2012 16:23

Goes without saying, Typing... Wink
How are you doing today?

Original poster
Typinginsecret · 18/09/2012 17:08

Hi lady !!

Much better thanks for asking.
I had a meeting with DS counsellor yesterday - and she got a lot of stuff into perspective for me!!
She made me see what a controlling arse he is ... And that Iam entitled to feel cross about him going to France when he owes me money .
I felt like I was going backwards ... But now realise that this is normal and this too shall pass!!
We have mediation on Monday ... So have text him to remind him that he owes me money .... No reply!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Typinginsecret · 18/09/2012 17:10

Also ... Does this sound stupid ... Iam thinking I might go and get my hair blow dryed before mediation ... Not in a " gosh he will want me back" but that I need to be strong and having my hair done will make me feel good about myself??

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Original poster
Typinginsecret · 18/09/2012 17:11

Mellower - sorry the date was bad .... But don't give up going on them ... We may have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince!

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Mellower · 18/09/2012 17:38

Yes, defo get your hair done, always makes your feel better!! Smile