Husband having relationship?

[shelley72]

Can't believe I'm posting this but don't know what to do. think dh is having an online relationship. hour ago got up to see to dc and his phone beeped. He has been messaging a woman / girl. Apparently met on a game thing. He didn't want me to read messages but I made him show me what was there. Loads of stuff about day to day life, our kids, nothing about me. Nothing overtly sexual, but got undertones of a friendship/relationship.he says thy just chat about the game but clearly not.

I feel completely stupid, betrayed. No wonder he's permanently attached to his phone. Have been saying to him for a whilre that his game is becoming an addiction. Now I know why. I thought that everything was ok, even been talking about another baby. Has up til now been good husband works hard etc, good daddy. Didn't think he would have an affair.

I really am stupid aren't i. Don't know what to do next. Could it be innocent enough? Do I ask him ti stop ? Though he probably won't anyway. feel like he has a whole secret life. Not sure what to do

Sory for typing, on phone, up ages and havent stopped shaking yet

I didn't want to leave you to it. IMO I think the issue is not the friendship or the content of the texts/messages but the furtiveness. Why didn't he want you to read them, why didn't you know about this? That would worry me.

I have a friend (male) who I have long FB conversations with. DH knows about it and calls him my Australian BF. I happily leave the computer on with the conversations up. No secret when they occur. SO, DH doesn't worry. This sounds different to a boring friendship with a person who happens to be the opposite sex.

The secretiveness is worrying.

I think it is different, don't you? I had no idea. He also chats to a bloke in australia too. But why didn't I know? Why keep it a secret? I feel very hurt. We have woke up dcs with our talking, though I have run out of things to say. he said theres nothing in it , and I mumsnet but its hardly same thing. And if it wsd me texting a man saying you're an angel, a good friend etc he wouldn't be happy I'm sure.

What else don't i know about is what's worrying me now. And what to do next

At the very least I would want two things. Firstly, an admission that it is not OK to hide a relationship from you. If he is not willing to concede that it is normal to share important people with your other half... Secondly, I would want ongoing openness, whatever that means to you.

What game is it BTW?

I've got to get some sleep. I'm sure there will be some clever women along soon to talk to you. Good luck. I hope he's just been a naive idiot.

I have no idea. Some kind of thing where you have to build armies, take over the world? Really have no interest in that kind of thing, so maybe its my fault for not taking afb interest. On it every minute he gets though. All the time, I have said to him at leat twice recently its getting a problem. Now I know why .
Wibvu to ask him to break contact? though he would lie wouldn't he and not really into checking up. My laptop always open, emails and mumsnet there for all to see.

You poor thing. Not unreasonable to ask him to stop contact. There has been a breech of trust here, I'd feel betrayed

Hi Shelley, sorry that you're going through this.

Why don't you approach it with him in terms of time? For example, if you say to him how do you prioritise your life? And get him to order you, the DC, family, work, outside hobbies, his game etc - hopefully you and the DC will come at the top, and the game somewhere at the bottom.

Then you need to allocate units of time to those "priorities". So, for example, if he comes home from work mon-fri and spends half hour with the kids and then two hours playing games you need to point out that he's only spending 2&1/2 hours per working-week with the kids and 10 hours playing games.

It should then be easy for him to see that whilst he says you and the DCs are his No.1 priority, he is showing with his actions and time that the game is 4 times more important to him. Equally, how much time is he spending texting/emailing/playing with his friend, and how much time is he with you (and not just in the same room, but actively engaging with you?)

Hopefully any decent bloke would see that there's an imbalance and aim to rectify that heavily in favour of you and the kids. If on the other hand his priorities really are his new "friend" and the game, then he won't change and at least you'll know where you stand.

Good luck, hope you get this sorted.

well that's the thing , I didn't even know about the friend until 3am this morning. Had ds not needed us I would still be completely in the dark about it, and would think that he's yet again just on his game. Is the type of game I think that you set something up, leave it running and check back half hour later. The game is not the whole issue. I am more worried about the messaging and the secrecy.
Am wondering how often he thinks of her. And the way he talks to her is far kinder than the way he speaks to me. Have not spoken to him since early hours - he doesn't think that he's done anything wrong

Ask him how he'd feel if the situation was reversed. Or why he hadn't told you if so innocent

he just shrugged his shoulders, i had asked him that - response was 'you mumsnet'. well yes, but thats on a public forum for the whole world to see - and always on my screen too when ive been on so no secrets there.
he was VERY reluctant to show me the messages - scrolling a few for me. makes me wonder what is there really. i did look at all those that were currently there though. he looked like he had been caught doing something wrong, no apologies as yet.

I think a couple of quotes from good, old, Dr Phil come to mind here - if you wouldn't do it with your DP next to you, looking over your shoulder then it is cheating and a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing!!!!

Don't let him get away with this OP, now is a chance to really talk about your marriage, proper bounderies and priorities.

Good luck.

have been married 14 years. i really didnt think he would do this...

Hmmm well my ExH did have an affair and leave me and that began as just friends. However in this case, I am tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he never mentioned it, as he didn't want to upset you or have an argument or any thing like that. I think he knows by now that he plays the game too much but is no doubt very addicted to it and didn't want another earful, if you discovered he also spoke to other gamers (some female) as well.

If your relationship has been going well and you were considering another baby, this is all very encouraging though. He needs to now be totally transparent with you imo, show you any messages that come through, to ease any worries you may have and he does need some better boundaries in place, such as talking to her a lot less imo or not at all.

I think you can work through this though, he's just been very foolish. Were any of the conversation very inappropriate? Or just chatty?

Usually people trot out the Shirley Glass book recommendation for affairs, it is a good book. Maybe you could read it and see if it helps you?

They weren't that sexual. Just chatty about his work, our children, what he's up to at weekend, watching on tv that sort of stuff. Lots of youre an angel, a good friend sort of stuff. Made me feel uneasy though and I'm still shaking. Just how stupid am I?
He just asked if I am going to ignore him all day. Um yes. Unbelievable. Really can't see what he's done that I'm not happy about.
Thank you all for advice so far

That's actually a good thing if the chatting is like that but yes a lot of affairs start as harmless chatting and it slowly goes from there. I always felt that a man having a close female friend after marriage that only they spoke to, was inappropriate, that they should be a family friend and see both of you. But perhaps I'm in the minority.

I think he knew all the chatting with her was an issue or he wouldn't have been so hidden about it.

I would try not to ignore him all day but try and rise above it and talk like adults about it all. But it's difficult when you feel angry. Could you go out for a few hours to cool off and think about it all?

Do you think you're more angry, as it was already a problem how much he played the game and now he's started to speak to someone inappropriate due to it as well?

I would read that book actually. It is very helpful. It may help you move on from this and work out where to go from here.

This would be an absolute no no in my marriage. Extensive text conversations with a member of the opposite sex that you were totally unaware of is deceitful at best and an emotional affair at worst. I would be very very hurt and unhappy and would demand sedation of contact immediately.

Cessation! Sorry stupid iphone

Those were exactly words I used - emotional affair. That's what I consider it to be. I know he texts mutual friends, and has told me at the time so have never been bothered about that. I don't know what I feel really. Not angry. Just bloody stupid that I had no idea, betrayed by him and hurt. And annoyed that he can't understand why I think its a problem. It definitely would if boot was on other foot.
Am going to take dcs out in a bit on my own. I know im probably not a great wife, have not.much confidence left and I put the dcs first but I don't deserve this.
Sorry my posts are rambling I just don't know which way is up at the moment.

I would also recommend the book, it has chapters about child centred marriages and also about how to rebuild/repair a marriage which is very helpful whether an affair has happened or not. Relationship counselling would also be very useful for you both, to help with communications etc, for you both to get your feelings, anger, resentments over with the help of a neutral third party. It is much better to acknowledge a problem now and deal with it.

Have you actually asked him how he would feel if you were receiving secret texts from a male acquaintance? I know in my marriage, I never actually chanllenged my DH and when I did, I was fobbed off (ie I enabled him with his lies, self delusions etc). This is about you and how you should be treated, demanding proper respect, it's not just about the messaging, it is about the amount of time spent gaming etc, time not spent with the family.

Good luck.

You're not stupid. I think you're being too hard on yourself here. Most women put DCs first but he is also prioritising as well, by putting this game first.

This could be the turning point where you both try to make more of an effort though with each other? He does need to see though that underhanded texts to a woman isn't appropriate. Of course it hurts

You said earlier he was a good Dad and husband and works hard. I think you can work through this. Perhaps have a few sessions at Relate? So you can both speak freely in a safe environment about things at the moment.

I hope you manage to have a good day with the kids.

You must be exhausted, looking at the time of your posts last night. It's very hard to even think clearly when very tired.

Cross posted with countingto10. Great advice.

I did ask how he would feel, just shrugged his shoulders, didn't have an answer. one of my friends did have an affair, and he was horrified, and quite often brings it up when I say how much better her marriage seems. The dcs are my world at the moment - we don't get time alone much if at all.
More I think about it the more I think its my fault

Shelley- not your fault. If he felt neglected or left out he could have said something or tried to get more involved in doing things with the dc rather than wanting you to stop. If it isn't an emotional affair yet it's on the way to it.

I don't want to paint him badly in terms if the dcs, he has always been really hands on and does loads with them, they have a lovely relationship. But once they are asleep, he's on his phone. So I watch tv or mumsnet . I am very tired, going out to get some fresh air so will check back later. Will try and think of the words to say to him whilst im out. I think I want him to stop tho

It is not down to you alone to make more time for you as a couple. He could have arranged babysitters, booked restaurants instead of gaming and messaging (and getting his ego massaged) the OW. You are both responsible for keeping the marriage working not just you. I know I enabled my DH a lot, made excuses for him eg he works hard etc, etc but we work hard when we are stuck at home with young DCs.

Yes you both have to acknowledge what you both could have done better but he made the decision to be deceitful re the messages not you.

Do not let him blame you for HIS actions, they were HIS choices. I really think he has to go cold turkey on the gaming etc. After my DH's affair, we made a rule that no laptops were allowed in the lounge in the evening (we used to sit with them on our laps, me mumsnettings, him gaming (and secretly messaging people, shutting screen down when I asked him what he was doing ). It was a out both of us investing time in us, taking time for us. We also found other, more satisfying hobbies, allowing us both time away from the DCs and work, it is about getting balance between work, family and stuff away from family. It is hard to do at times with money and time constraints but you have to do it.

It is all about communication and teaching people how to treat you, you have to make changes (ie not letting him treat you like this) and he has to make changes.