Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having relationship?

109 replies

shelley72 · 26/08/2012 04:57

Can't believe I'm posting this but don't know what to do. think dh is having an online relationship. hour ago got up to see to dc and his phone beeped. He has been messaging a woman / girl. Apparently met on a game thing. He didn't want me to read messages but I made him show me what was there. Loads of stuff about day to day life, our kids, nothing about me. Nothing overtly sexual, but got undertones of a friendship/relationship.he says thy just chat about the game but clearly not.

I feel completely stupid, betrayed. No wonder he's permanently attached to his phone. Have been saying to him for a whilre that his game is becoming an addiction. Now I know why. I thought that everything was ok, even been talking about another baby. Has up til now been good husband works hard etc, good daddy. Didn't think he would have an affair.

I really am stupid aren't i. Don't know what to do next. Could it be innocent enough? Do I ask him ti stop ? Though he probably won't anyway. feel like he has a whole secret life. Not sure what to do

Sory for typing, on phone, up ages and havent stopped shaking yet

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 28/08/2012 08:22

I'll eat UA's socks if he's just been enjoying idle chit-chat. Smile

Head up, honey. You'll come out of this even stronger than before.

countingto10 · 28/08/2012 08:30

So sorry Shelly, another selfish, self entitled, arrogant arse.

Now is the time to think about yourself and the DCs. Get some legal advice PDQ, it will give you some control over the situation. Tell rl family and friends and get some support.

It is a horrible place to be ad be prepared for your H's behaviour and attitude to you to turn vile because, obviously, you are the cause of all this Hmm. I couldn't actually believe that someone who was supposed to love me could behave in such a way.

I would still advise you to seek some counselling for yourself to give you a neutral outlet.

Honestly I don't know what goes through these men's heads, you say you have been together 17 yrs, to give all that up for what? And to not give you the decency of some proper communication, such a coward.

Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 08:40

I have just said to him, if you didn't want to be married you should have said instead of going about things in an underhand way. He said he didn't say he didn't want to be married anymore. have been v polite this morning, trying to avoid snide comments, couldn't help myself tho. But now I don't know what to do. I know that im not going through this again, but 17 years is a, long time. ds has realised something us up, so taking them out today. See if that helps.
Thanks for your posts, gives me a lot to think about

OP posts:
Mrsgorgeous · 28/08/2012 08:45

I got the line too:

ME: if you wanted our marriage to end you should have gone

HIM: I didn't [want the marriage to end]

It's called having your cake and eating it!

AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 09:07

Let him go, don't beg him to stay

I think his reaction speaks volumes

See where he goes, and what emerges over the next few weeks

if there was nothing in this (or he really wanted to stay married) he will get over his tantrum, stop stonewalling you and start talking

if he doesn't...then there is your answer

whether there is anything to this particular chit-chat or not it certainly sounds like he was waiting for an excuse to bail, because he was too much of a coward to do it himself

let him go

Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 10:13

Wanker! Angry

Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 10:16

Sorry Blush

stargazy · 28/08/2012 10:45

Somewhere between the lob him out he's a knob brigade and the think you are over reacting posts lies a middle ground a middle ground.I know.Ive been there and there's another great long thread called after Infidelity are any of you still with your partners? from earlier this month.Sorry not sure how to link?And so much depends in the next few days depends on how you DH reacts.
No excuses IMO he's definitely crossed a line.And if he's not a very communicative sort generally he's not likely to transform overnight,bare his soul and say what the hell he thought he was doing. But he does need to acknowledge this is serious and needs sorting.Contact with OW must cease immediately if you stand any chance of recovery.But it can be done,but only if you both want it.

At the mo he's also in shock of discovery-as are you-and like a rabbit in the headlights.These relationships often build insidiously.
2 year plus from discovering my DH was texting/sexting a woman he'd known several years through work -although they didn't directly work together but met up for lunch time chats when they could for months- we are together,and although sadder and wiser at times still, stronger.
The advice to get counselling is wise.Things like the Shirley Glass book helped us redefine boundaries and what we both expect from marriage.ie.trust, honesty and respect.
Be kind to yourself in the next few days.Sleep helps if you can ,but I totally understand how wound up, upset and confused you are now.I often wished I'd asked my DH to move out for a while until I got my head around things,but on the other hand wanted to keep him close so I could monitor his reaction and keep him away from OW.I was seriously sacred she must be important to have it so secret compared to other open platonic friendships.Turns out she meant nothing to him emotionally.It was all about distraction from lifes realities,flattery a need to me needed as a friend/ listener.It was a fantasy world.As I guess gaming is.But it took us months to sort through those issues and find our way forward.So sorry this has happened to you.

OneMoreChap · 28/08/2012 10:55

How very sad.

He's obviously not great at talking to you, but to decide to move somewhere else and leave you & DC is ludicrous, it that is what it was.

I'm very sorry it turned out for you like that.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/08/2012 11:22

This thread Stargazy?

It is ludicrous that he's moving out without even talking to you about any of it. Hope you're ok OP.

stargazy · 28/08/2012 12:26

Thanks DONT that's the one.Just reread your whole post again and sorry don't know how but missed the bit where he said he was looking for somewhere else to live?!
What I I will say two days post discovery when my DH was pinned in a corner in that he said it had been 5-6 weeks of contact with OW and 5/6 texts when in reality it was 5/6 months and 15/20 texts a day ,and me demanding to see phone bills left him nowhere to hide he got in a complete panic.He went out to do some family stuff and came back and offered me the house and more than half our assets, and I was devastated because I thought he truly wanted our marriage to be over.Turns out far for it.He felt so ashamed and such a shit and had had a massive slap round the face bringing him back to reality from the affair bubble he sort of gave up on us and himself because that's what he thought he deserved.
Now only you know your DH.Or thought you did sadly.Could it be panic?I only hope in the next few hours / days he has the balls to talk to you.If he is truly blanking this completely you have my heartfelt sympathy and it would seem he
is a coward and you deserve more than that.
Stay strong x

Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 20:29

Hi we've had day out with dcs today which just felt odd. Went from feeling like everything was normal to wanting to cry. On way home I asked him had he never been who I thought he was, he said course he had. so I asked if what he's been up to is worse than I'm thinking, he said he hadn't been talking as he's not done any of the things I've accused him of (affair, which I said in spite this morning).
I don't know. I also don't know how serious the moving out thing is either.
feel very mixed up tonight.have not told anyone in rl yet so thank god for mumsnet!

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/08/2012 20:31

You don't have to march down a solicitor and start divorce proceedings tomorrow though. Give yourself time to work out how you feel and what you want.

Is he still moving out and planning to give you some space?

theDudesmummy · 28/08/2012 20:34

OneMoreChap, well I just cannot see how playing those kind of games is a useful use of anyone's time. But I suppose I am quite harsh/intolerant about these kind of things. I do admit that. In general, I cannot imagine how anyone has the time to get involved in this kind of thing when they have children. And what is the point of it all? Surely there are far more important and useful things one could be doing? (but yes, I admit I spend a few minutes on MN every day! And not all of it on the support/special needs sites where i usually hang out!)

AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 20:35

has he shut his yap about moving out now then ?

Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 20:58

Nothing more has been said about moving out. It came up this morning cos he was on his phone and I wanted to know what he was doing - well I've got to find somewhere else to live were his words. Told him to go live with this text woman. I've said some things today that do not make me proud of my behaviour!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 21:06

I disagree, I don't think you have been nasty enough

why are you playing Happy Families with him ?

tell him to leave now and stop dragging it out

he wants to go, he goes now

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/08/2012 21:07

It's hard to keep it all in though Shelley. You're very upset and tired.

Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 21:21

All I've ever wanted was a happy family.
Ds has so much going on in his little life, he doesn't need any more upset. another early night night in order I think.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 29/08/2012 08:19

How did you sleep?

How do you feel now that he's had a u turn and insisted you should move out instead. What do you want to do?

Original poster
shelley72 · 29/08/2012 10:04

Sorry for the confused post, he didn't say I had to move out only that he was looking because I said had to go.

We have had words this morning. I asked if it was worth seeing someone before we did end it, just so we could say that we did try. He said no, as he's not done any of the things I accused him of. He admitted it was stupid texting someone (theY're abroad) and keeping it from me and that he was sorry and that he can see how it looks (I know what I saw). He's insisting that it is just friend chat. I don't know. He looked like he was telling the truth, but what do I know?

I said that if we were to think about working through this, the chats would stop - if that means he gives up his ,game then he gives it up. He said fine. And I also said he does whatever it takes to help me trust him. He agreed. Usually he protests and hates being told what to do but he just agreed.

I don't want to make the wrong decision. But if he stays then he can't do this again. Just cant.
Thank you for thinking of me.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 29/08/2012 10:19

I really think you two could do with some help communicating better. We all can get into relationship "dances" and need help recognising these and dealing with it better. It sounds like he wants things to go back to normal pdq without having to do any hard work in changing things. I doubt he really believes that he has done anything wrong as she was abroad and they were unlikely to meet up. What you really need to challenge him on was what he got out of these little chats, what needs were they meeting in him, what he said to himself to justify these little chats etc. They did amount to cheating because he kept them secret - did any of them mention you at all?

My DH admitted to me when his affair came to light that he was chatting to a girl in the US who stopped the chats when he admitted he hadn't told me about them (she had a better sense of right and wrong than he did Hmm) - their chats were about him supporting her as she had had a pretty poor life, maybe she was querying his motives for not telling me and hence ending the chats.

You really need to dig deeper, if you can approach these discussions in a non confrontational way - you mention he doesn't like you telling him what to do, is this part of your communication, him "thinking" you are telling him what to do and him rebelling? Almost like a parent/child relationship? This is why relationship counselling would be so useful to you both, I think your DH is very vulnerable to a physical affair if you do not address underlying issues. This is a wake up call for you both and you both need to seize the opportunity to make changes without one dictating to the other.

Good luck.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 29/08/2012 11:05

"I asked if it was worth seeing someone before we did end it, just so we could say that we did try. He said no, as he's not done any of the things I accused him of."

Just say you would like to work things out and would like a few sessions at Relate, so he can talk freely about what he felt happened and you as well and then you can move forward.

Your methods of communicating about what happened so far on your own, aren't ideal. However an intermediary there to help facilitate discussions would be far better imo.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 29/08/2012 16:16

Are you sure she's abroad? He's done a first class job of putting you on the back foot and making you back off. if he's so not bovvered then let him walk. Call his bluff. As I keep repeating - he has been perfectly able to chat away to this lady friend.

Original poster
shelley72 · 30/08/2012 06:45

Well that's true UA, I don't know for sure. Have been trying to talk (can't afford counselling) and he's not happy with his life - I don't talk to him, when i do I moan, whatever he does isn't good enough, he doesn't get time to himself - all of which is probably true. None of which of course excuses behaviour. But at least we are talking I suppose?
And he has (he said) deleted the message app and the games. And I have access to the phone. Makes me feel horrible living this waythough

OP posts: