Husband having relationship?

[shelley72]

Can't believe I'm posting this but don't know what to do. think dh is having an online relationship. hour ago got up to see to dc and his phone beeped. He has been messaging a woman / girl. Apparently met on a game thing. He didn't want me to read messages but I made him show me what was there. Loads of stuff about day to day life, our kids, nothing about me. Nothing overtly sexual, but got undertones of a friendship/relationship.he says thy just chat about the game but clearly not.

I feel completely stupid, betrayed. No wonder he's permanently attached to his phone. Have been saying to him for a whilre that his game is becoming an addiction. Now I know why. I thought that everything was ok, even been talking about another baby. Has up til now been good husband works hard etc, good daddy. Didn't think he would have an affair.

I really am stupid aren't i. Don't know what to do next. Could it be innocent enough? Do I ask him ti stop ? Though he probably won't anyway. feel like he has a whole secret life. Not sure what to do

Sory for typing, on phone, up ages and havent stopped shaking yet

Gaming to that extent is a form of escapism. It had got to an unhealthy level. He was ignoring you and the children. Glad he's deleted it.

See how things go; at the moment you're hyper vigilant and looking for any behaviour similar to before. Things will either get better or if they don't you can walk away knowing you tried.

I don't like the way he seems to be putting all the blame on you for this though, he needs to accept responsibility for his own actions.

He did say that he shouldn't have been song what he was and with hindsight can see it was stupid.I am not accepting the blame for his actions, I made it clear that it was his doing, whatever else was going on.
We don't get any time outside if family, either together or alone so that's one thing we can look at changing. he works, I'm at home with kids all day so I do want any spare time spent with us.
Still have a lot to think about but at least line of communication is open again..

Can you start putting some fun back in your lives even if it's going bowling with the DCs eg. And both of you need to prioritise your marriage/relationship now, don't do all the work, he is well able to arrange babysitters and book restaurants.

Both you and him need to develop hobbies etc away from each other and the DCs, you both need equal amounts of free time. I took up horse riding again after a 20 yr break which was just for me, DH took up tennis. These are all discussed and mutually agreed ie DH doesn't just come in and say I going to tennis in half an hour.

Keep the communication going.

Agree with everything Counting said.

He does run in his lunch occasionally plays squash and would like to more I think (squash partner injured at mo). I get hair cut every other month and sometimes meet a friend for coffee but not often as she makes me feel like crap after I've seen her. There are lots of things I would like to do but I am very much tied to the children and funds are low. Its hard. But I agree we must try.

I hope eventually, that something will be sorted out. I hate the wondering what he's up to/who is he talking to thoughts I'm having. I'm driving myself mad with it. This sort of thing really didn't occur to me to worry about before this weekend.

What are the things you would like to do? Set yourself some goals, discuss them with your H and work together to see how these can be achieved. You sound very down ATM, this is why you have got to put yourself first now, build your own self esteem etc. On discovery of my DH's affair I really had to find some peace in my head if that makes sense. I had manicures, lots of long soaks in the bath rather than quick showers in the mornings. Took time to lose myself in a good book. I needed to feed my soul.

What did you enjoy doing as a child? Can you do this again eg a dance class etc.

Really think about what you want and what you want to achieve. It is hard when you have given so much of yourself to your DCs and H, we tend to lose ourselves along the way......

I have, and I know I have been worse since I stopped work - joint decision. I love having this time with the dcs, I will never get it back and I don't begrudge them at all. But I can go all day without conversation (youngest has speech delay) and I have definitely lost myself. Have been down, and as I said at weekend, dh had been supportive, saying I was doing good job etc. I have never been one for hobbies, so should start thinking about something I suppose. Dh works hard and I suppose I do concentrate on keeping things going at home and neglect everything else.
Do feel its all my fault now [sad

You are both responsible for your marriage but only he is responsible for the choices he made ie secretly messaging the girl. Do not blame yourself for that. He could have turned around and said to you "look Shelley we've got stuck in a bit of a rut, how do you feel about things and what shall we do about it?" but instead he immersed himself in gaming and getting his ego stoked by ow.

Do not make the marriage your sole responsibility, he has to be fully committed too. Keep talking to him, tell how you feel about your life, it is hard being a sahm especially with SNs thrown in as well and it is hard for the man when he is the sole bread winner, under pressure to pay the bills etc. Our counsellor likened my DH's gambling and affair to filling up with the wrong fuel to make himself feel better. He ended up making himself feel the worst he has ever felt before or since.

Evening classes are enrolling now, have a look at a prospectus and see if you fancy anything, some take place during the day too.

I did pick up a brochure yesterday actually! And I have my name down for bf training when places become available at our sure start centre - only couple of hours a week, but they provide childcare .
Have lots to do today to keep busy at least. Thank you again for your helpful posts.