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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having relationship?

109 replies

shelley72 · 26/08/2012 04:57

Can't believe I'm posting this but don't know what to do. think dh is having an online relationship. hour ago got up to see to dc and his phone beeped. He has been messaging a woman / girl. Apparently met on a game thing. He didn't want me to read messages but I made him show me what was there. Loads of stuff about day to day life, our kids, nothing about me. Nothing overtly sexual, but got undertones of a friendship/relationship.he says thy just chat about the game but clearly not.

I feel completely stupid, betrayed. No wonder he's permanently attached to his phone. Have been saying to him for a whilre that his game is becoming an addiction. Now I know why. I thought that everything was ok, even been talking about another baby. Has up til now been good husband works hard etc, good daddy. Didn't think he would have an affair.

I really am stupid aren't i. Don't know what to do next. Could it be innocent enough? Do I ask him ti stop ? Though he probably won't anyway. feel like he has a whole secret life. Not sure what to do

Sory for typing, on phone, up ages and havent stopped shaking yet

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2012 21:35

Oh and Shelley go to bed Smile Revisit this thread in the morning and re-read all the advice you have had. Not much will make sense after being awake for this long Grin

Original poster
shelley72 · 26/08/2012 21:49

Thank you, cross posted with you. not sure I can sleep but will revisit in morning. Things always seem better in the morning don't they (she says hopefully)

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2012 21:52

Stiff drink before bed?

I know you must feel shell shocked but I do think you can work through this.

Sleep well.

Xenia · 26/08/2012 22:52

Hvae a good sleep. Lots of people talk with others on line and even make friends. It does not mean he is having sex with her or even that it betrays you. It is certainly something you and he can sort out. I expect he has not even met her.

therewearethen · 27/08/2012 12:53

You can message via the game, and it'll come up you have a message on kingdoms of camelot, although you can turn these off. There's an app that DP also uses called touch, and another called kik, these you just give your nickname so no numbers exchanged (guess it's the same as messages on facebook) if the messages you seen were in a green (normal text) or blue (text from another iphone, which are free i think) bubble thing then they are defiantly texts and he will have given his number out.

Hope that clears up whether he has actually given his mobile number out or not, don't think it makes that much difference really, if he's been messaging inappropriate things then that's wrong, and not telling you is a bit worrying. The only other thing you could do is check his mobile bill for a number you don't recognise?

Original poster
shelley72 · 27/08/2012 13:27

Thank you. all I remember was that the nickname came up as you have been talking to: with a little flower icon nxt to it. Also had a couple of work colleagues names, which makes me think it was a personal text. He spent the night downstairs last night so was probably doing it again.
Don't really know where to go from here. This morning I woke up and thought I would say right no phones for both of us after 7 pm, no contact wth her/give up that game. But he still acting as though he has done nothing wrong. I feel a line has been crossed.
I know others think that's unreasonable but that's how I feel.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 13:36

I stand by my post last night at about 9.30pm. Best advice I can give here.

If he cannot see the issue, you need to consider a few sessions at Relate so you can both talk about this, like Countingto10 also suggested.

Staying downstairs all night to play the game and send messages is not helpful. If that is what he is doing. Or was he trying to avoid anymore confrontation. Difficult to know here. You both need to talk about this without recrimination.

Original poster
shelley72 · 27/08/2012 18:12

Have spent most of my day looking at his phone wondering what the hell is on there. I can't louvre like that so I said to him that as soon as we know ds is settled at school we will sort ourselves out. He said 'is that it then? Said yes, all your doing so don't even think about saying its me' and he said nothing. No sorry, no I didn't mean to hurt you. Just walked out of room. So at least I know where I stand. And that it prob was more than he said.
I am completely stupid that I didn't see this coming. Utterly stupid

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 18:39

Closure can bring peace but are you sure lovey? With some counselling you could work through this. You're stressed and tired. But you said such good things about him in the first post Sad

Original poster
shelley72 · 27/08/2012 19:06

i not sure, i keep looking at the dcs and feel sad - that they will go through the same as i did when i was that age. wanted better for them Sad.
he wont/cant even talk to me so i am not sure that counselling would work. but there must have been more to it or he would be protesting/fighting a bit more wouldnt he?

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 19:18

Some men just go introverted. Is he good at discussing how he feels or does he avoid all confrontation? He maybe feeling shocked too and perhaps it is innocent. I would urge you to try counselling. But only you can decide really.

Original poster
shelley72 · 27/08/2012 19:36

No he's not at all good at feelings and stuff like that. Never says he loves me but I've now realised its probably because he doesn't..
Will see what 2moro brings, tonight its the sofa again. Suppose I had better eat too. Have fed the children before anyone worries!

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 20:12

"No he's not at all good at feelings and stuff like that. Never says he loves me but I've now realised its probably because he doesn't." That may not be true though. If he is a man of few words, you probably do not even have enough information right now to make a decision about the future, as he's not telling you anything; how he feels or the extent of this text relationship.

What I am concerned about, is that this could all have been blown out of proportion and it's nothing but a little inappropriate messaging. But he's burying his head in the sand instead of talking to you, so you're jumping to conclusions. It is frustrating being married to a man of few words, if he has always been like this, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I do not want to brow beat you too much about counselling but it is truly worth a try, then if you walk away, you know you've tried everything and won't ever have a guilty conscience.

I don't know... when I submitted my divorce petition, I wanted to be sure I'd done everything I could, so that if the children ever asked me, I knew in my heart of hearts I'd tried. He should also be thinking the same and making an effort too of course, I think he is in denial, being very passive and leaving it all to you but try and talk to him, or let him talk without interrupting or nasty accusations. Even if you're cross. It may help you to see things clearer if you give him a chance to talk.

I can understand though that just saying no that's it, does give you a peace and a closure. Are you afraid of what may come out if you give it time or that he'd hurt you more?

I just think you do not think you have the full story or facts as yet. But you can end it. It's your choice and your life. You must feel in terrible turmoil tonight. Perhaps an early night may help you.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 20:18

Sorry that should say: I just think you do not have the full story or facts as yet.

countingto10 · 27/08/2012 20:31

Is he not talking at all Shelley? Not even to say you are making a mountain out of a molehill (even though you are not)?

You can sort this out. My DH actually left me and moved in with OW and we came back from that (with a hell of a lot of counselling). My DCs were traumatised when their dad left and TBH that was the only reason I agreed to counselling and to try and repair the marriage. If you DH won't go to counselling then go on your own, it will help you get things straight in your head and help you deal with things however they turn out.

Keep posting here and please start thinking about yourself too, be a little selfish, new hair do, some make up etc.

And one of the things in the Shirley Glass book which helped me a lot when I was having major screaming meltdowns in the recovery process was the simple thing of being civilised to your partner eg offering them a cup of tea when you really want to brain them. It fosters goodwill IYSWIM and can start communications again.

Good luck.

Original poster
shelley72 · 27/08/2012 20:49

thank you both for your kind words. I did just offer him a sandwich (as I needed to eat)! I am afraid of what else I am going to find if I dig further. And the fact he's saying nothing is just setting my mind whirring, you are right. in the 17 years we've been together he's never been one to talk deeply if you know what I mean. Maybe once I stop feeling sostupid I will be calm enough to consider relate. I always thought I was quite a perceptive person but obviously not if I didn't see any of this coming.
Worries tonight include what would we say to children, they adore him and I know it would tear ds apart. what to do financially, since I am sahm am very much dependent on him. And what if I am pg, we had been kind of trying. Mind racing again.
Sorry for being a pain, and for the incoherent rambles. My english isn't usually this bad!

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 27/08/2012 21:10

He's perfectly able to talk and discuss things like his life his kids and his stupid childish bloody game with some woman though isn't he. Hmm

I don't get this 'poor bloke is the silent type so maybe give him a break, get some counselling' shite. He's been gobby enough via his computer/phone so he is choosing not to discuss with you something he actually just doesn't want to give up.

To me he just sounds mightily pissed off that you've found him out.

Not talking is lazy, selfish and a manipulative way of making you feel crap and anxious enough to let it all blow over and continue to allow him to play his stupid internet games.

Well don't let it blow over. You'll just get further into a mire. Who wants to spend a nano second trying to persuade a grown man to stop playing war games. Diddums.

If he's been a good father then hopefully he will continue being so once you have kicked his sorry deceitful arse out.

What an immature knob.

HTH Angry for you!

AnyFucker · 27/08/2012 22:56

what UA said

she usually has these self-absorbed, disrespectful, selfish nobbers sussed right out

OP, you sound lovely

you deserve better than this

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/08/2012 23:26

Well yes AF he sounds pretty juvenile with his obsession with this game and chatting to other gamers to the detriment of his marriage and kids. That cannot be denied.

Hope OP does get some sleep tonight.

OhDearNigel · 28/08/2012 02:13

I think you are massively overreacting. If he was having an affair the messages would not be just idle chitchat. Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you would blow it out of all proportion (which you have). Or maybe he thinks that spending hours chatting to someone online is a bit tragic and doesn't want to admit to it.

As for the people who are saying spending hours online gaming is pathetic and childish, well, imo it's no worse than spending hours late at night on mumsnet

Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 07:05

Quick update, he's looking for somewhere else to live Sad. Am sad for the children, sad that he doesn't value our life enough to want to explain things or even apologise. Why didn't he just say if he didn't want me anymore. Why do this? Why strung me along talking about another baby? How dim am i? bet he can't believe his luck.
Not much sleep again, going to try and have family day out today - we all need some fresh air

OP posts:
Original poster
shelley72 · 28/08/2012 07:10

Oh dear nigel - the messages I saw were not just chit chat, there were undertones of a relationship. If I was doing the same I would be out on my ear, without my children. He has always said that.
Maybe it has got out of proportion, but if he's not actually bothered to say anything to work it out- he just said he doesn't care what I think- then what am I supposed to think?

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/08/2012 07:16

I'm so sorry Sad

CinnabarRed · 28/08/2012 07:16

So awful that the cowardly twat won't even engage with you. I'm so very sorry. And his reaction now demonstrates beyond all reasonable doubt that his relationship with this woman was anything but innocent. You weren't over-reacting or blowing it out of proportion.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 28/08/2012 07:16

Shelley I am so sorry you are suffering like this. But let him walk.

Concentrate on yourself and the dcs now - lean on friends and family as much as you can for support.

I'll eat my socks if he's just been enjoying 'idle chitchat'

If he has, then HE is the one who has 'blown things out of proportion' by deciding idle chit chat is worth jacking in his family and not even bothering to explain why.

His wall of silence is cruel but it actually speaks volumes.

Keep posting.

He's still a knob.