He is threatening to take our son

[DoubleYew]

`Have namechanged as he knows I come on here.

He is saying he is just going to come and take him. Ds is just 2, never had overnight contact. Father has chosen to see him twice in a month both times brought him back early as he was upset. ds very upset after these visits.

He had a nervous breakdown last year, is suicidle, self harming. He can't seem to put ds needs first, tells me he is going to introduce him to his new girlfriend (of 6 wks) tomorrow. I said I ts not appropriate so soon, he needs to settle in regular contact. Ended in a big row, saying he can do what he wants and will come and take him, I can't stop him.

He still has a key as won't give it back. Phoned police they said its an offense for me to stop him coming in. We live in country, no buses tomorrow so I can't go anywhere. Neighbour will be at work, don't have anyone else nearby.

No answer from social work. Already have contact with family mediation but won't be in til monday now.

What can I do?

Bolt door from inside? Take it he owns the house too? 'lose' your keys necessitating a change of locks, then 'forget' to get a spare cut

my mum's house but police said it was an offence to stop him entering as was marital home.

I will take a bolt of bathroom door and say I fitted it as wind keeps blowing front door open - actually true, we need a new door. Can't ask my mum as her husband just had a heart attack, I need to keep this from her.

Phone the police again and ask for the Domestic Violence unit, it sounds like you spoke to some silly young plod without a clue. Even if your XPs name is still on the mortgage/tenancy agreement, you can bolt the door against him and call the police if he becomes aggressive. Tell the DV unit that you are afraid of this man, that he has MH issues and therefore you are stopping contact. Unless there is already a court order in place this man cannot just take your son away - and even if there is, you can refuse contact on safety grounds and nothing can be done without him taking you back to court.

Or, if you are really frightened and think the local police are going to be unhelpful, call Women's Aid and ask if you can go into a refuge while you get court orders sorted out to keep this man away from you and DS.

If it's your mother's house and your XP is not named on the mortgage than that policeman is talking such utter rubbish that you need to make an official complaint against him. Your XP has no right of entry to a house that he doesn't own, married or not, when the marriage is ended.

thank you sgb, thank you.
That is what I need to hear. Not more about his bloody rights. No court order, nothing has been agreed, I was putting it off for now as I thought it would be too stressful for him in his state and he has no money for a solicitor.

tough shit i will get a solicitor monday

Police are going to send someone round,

Do have a word with the DV unit anyway: let them know that he is unstable and making threats, so they have a note of your address. This means that if he does turn up and start causing trouble, they will respond more quickly.

X-post, oh good! Best of luck. If he is mentally ill he needs professional help, and it is not your responsibility to put up with abuse from him. If he's just being a dick then you certainly don't have to put up with abuse from him, the law is in your favour.

Fuckinh hell - did a police officer really say that? I despair.

If it is your mother's house then she has every right to stipulate who enters.

If your ex is still suicidal then he really is in no fit state to gave a child unsupervised. Contact a solicitor on Monday.

You definately need a solicitor.

When exp and I split in early May he threatened to take my ds from me. I phoned around for a solicitor that would accept legal aid and went to see her. I explained the circumstances and added that he was unreasonable and I was scared of him and was in court days later. I got a prohibited steps order (he wasn't notified and didn't need to be there) which meant ds couldn't be removed from my care.

Them they served exp the papers and gave him a court date for a months time at which I applied for residency and got it no problem.

We were then referred to cafcass to discuss access but we dropped it as it was no longer needed - I had residency which meant that my ds had to be returned to me in the event that exp tried to keep him and that's all i wanted.

It was sorted out quickly and easily, but I now have peace of mind x

Just to say, remember it is Bank Holiday on Monday. Also, there should be an emergency number for Social Services.

Completely agree with what SGB said. You have good reason to believe unsupervised contact may be unsafe right now. The onus is on him to start legal proceedings to get contact through the courts. You are being a protective parent by withholding contact at the moment. Your initial response from the police was crap.

Police just left. He swears its marital home for 2 YEARS after we split even thoughs its my mums house, he can come back anytime and refuse to leave! I have been put on the swift response thingy. He took lots of details of our relationship, it was horrible realising how bad its been and i've been making excuses for him.

According to ex all his problems are my fault. Worried he's going to speak bullshit about me, he threatened to stop me taking ds out of the area "if I make things difficult fpr him." No-one would believe he's behaving like this.

Thanks so much esp Mammy, that gives me some idea of what could happen. I will phone solicitor and CAB and mediation on Monday first thing. He will get Social services to get in touch as I can't get answer from them.

I just hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow. Ds needs a bath now, must try and act normal for him.

Sorry, can I get this straight? Are the police saying the house is still deemed to be the marital home for up to two years after you split? Even though he has no ownership or tenancy rights?

I've never heard that before. How long have you been split up for?

My exp was emotionally abusive, he never hit me but it was still taken seriously by the police when they were called and also by the dv unit, they did refer to social services who came out to visit us, I was worried about it but they were fine, asked how I was and what they could do to help. They were mainly concerned that I would let someone I was scared of back into my home and have a relationship with him. Once I reassured them I wasn't they were fine.

It also helped move things along by telling the solicitor that social services and the domestic violence unit were involved.

I think the OP means that this man is claiming that it's the marital home, even though he doesn't live there: the police have her and her family on the swift response list so it sounds like they believe her. The onus is on the man to prove that he has any rights to the property, anyway - otherwise any old muppet could turn up at a house and insist s/he lives there. After two years, he's not going to be named on any bills and there is going to be evidence that he actually lives elsewhere, surely.

Anyway, OP, change the locks ASAP. Again, he has no right of entry. It's not his house, not even his home, and you and your family are completely entitled to lock him out of your home.

beryl yep. I could be done for changing the locks or fitting a bolt. he said speak to a solicitor to start to prove he has another home now so no longer has rights here.

You say marital home, were/are you married?

Policeman said its like tenant being locked out by a landlord. Except they don't usually threaten to take your child do they? He said no but its a civil matter until he breaks the law.

We have no formal arrangements but he's gone too far now.

Yep still married, hes been begging me to get back together until suddenly he said he didn't want to and announced he'd met someone else. I asked him to move out last year as he was getting violent (not actually touched me just throwing things, threats). I didn't want to start formal proceedings as everyone says its better to agree between you and i thought it might push him over the edge. I'm an idiot I know.

ffs that policeman is talking shyte surely.
since when do police officers have detailed knowlege of housing/marital law anyway?

That is what i am hoping! Monday can't come too soon. Its not a bank holiday in scotland I think?

Add another lock to the door and also a deadbolt. They will charge but an emergency locksmith will do it for you.

Presumably your ex lives elsewhere - and this is your mother's home - so his 'rights' re the property appear tenuous at best but why not post in legal on MN for some advice?

Women's Aid can recommend solicitors used to dealing with threatening and abusive partners.

On a quick Google (no lawyers in my household unfortunately) it seems unfortunately the polices may be right, or would if it was rented anyway. Scottish law on matrimonial homes is different from English though.

Solicitor time!

"I could be done for changing the locks or fitting a bolt."

Technically, yes. For all practical purposes, no. Change the locks and then let him sue your mum for access to her property. The way you describe his mental state, I doubt he has either the inclination or the wherewithal to do either. Whereas, if he has a key and can just saunter in, you sound as though you'd be in danger.