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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is threatening to take our son

84 replies

DoubleYew · 25/08/2012 17:48

`Have namechanged as he knows I come on here.

He is saying he is just going to come and take him. Ds is just 2, never had overnight contact. Father has chosen to see him twice in a month both times brought him back early as he was upset. ds very upset after these visits.

He had a nervous breakdown last year, is suicidle, self harming. He can't seem to put ds needs first, tells me he is going to introduce him to his new girlfriend (of 6 wks) tomorrow. I said I ts not appropriate so soon, he needs to settle in regular contact. Ended in a big row, saying he can do what he wants and will come and take him, I can't stop him.

He still has a key as won't give it back. Phoned police they said its an offense for me to stop him coming in. We live in country, no buses tomorrow so I can't go anywhere. Neighbour will be at work, don't have anyone else nearby.

No answer from social work. Already have contact with family mediation but won't be in til monday now.

What can I do?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 25/08/2012 22:27

Yes, it will take time for him to sue for entry and if the police are saying it's a civil matter, they will not assist him in forcing his way in and will come and remove him if he's aggressive. I second a call to Women's Aid.

Original poster
DoubleYew · 25/08/2012 23:05

Right few things have changed in the house that will make us a bit safer, not going to go into specifics just in case but your advice has been noted, thank you.

Looking at Women's Aid now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleYew · 25/08/2012 23:53

Phoned the English one by mistake, she was really nice and said they had solicitors they could recommend. When we realised I was talking to the wrong one I called the Scottish Women's Aid. Not so good. Told me about his rights to see ds, basically how it doesn't look good how I've been happy to let him see him and now suddenly decided not to. She seemed to think I was upset he had a gf rather than actually worried about his behaviour and mental state. I couldn't give a stuff about the gf, actually rather relieved he's stopped going on about getting back toegther. I don't want him to be unhappy just acting like a sane reasonable person when he has ds.

Really starting to doubt myself now.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2012 00:17

Honestly, don't doubt yourself. He's unstable and making threats. You've informed the police of this so there is already a record of bad behaviour from him - is there any more evidence? Have you had to involve the police previously due to his aggression? While there is no court order in place you can block him completely AFAIK, the police won't act against you just because he's kicking up a fuss.

BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 00:18

No, he has no rights. The 'rights' are your child's as per the children's act. He has 'responsibilities'

Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 00:22

No never phoned them before. She said it would just be my word against his and he could say I'm unstable. I had post traumatic stress after ds was born and have asked for counselling again as its all getting on top of me, he told me tonight he would say that if I stopped him taking ds tomorrow.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 26/08/2012 02:52

FFS Angry what is wrong with these people. That woman at Women's Aid diesn't sound very supportive.

Your exP is emotionally abusing you, and threatening to take your DS without your consent, whilst at the same time talking about self harm.

And all people are concerned about are his 'rights'.

Lueji · 26/08/2012 08:25

You need to get proper advice and a solicitor.

Lueji · 26/08/2012 08:28

Plus, you need to get communication with him on record. Get a friend to be there when he comes, and restrict as much as possible communication to mail and text.
Ideally via solicitor.

Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 09:37

I am going to get a solicitor but I can't do til monday morning.

I have asked him to email instead and stuck to that myself recently but it is him phoning me. My stepfather has had a heart attack so I can't just not answer the phone in case its my mum with news/ insurance company. I don't get mobile reception here. I'm very isolated and don't have anyone to ask, two people I could are at work today or away on holiday right now.

I have been keeping a written record recently of his crap behaviour. I have told Family Mediation I am worried about his mental state 10 days ago, she said she could understand why and seemed to think I was acting in ds' best interest. But I'm feeling really crap after that WA woman. I know he will twist things. What if ss don't think I'm looking after him right?

He was due to get him in half an hour. Really hope he doesn't turn up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 10:05

No sign yet. Lovely sunny day and I have drawn the blinds so I don't see his face at the window.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 26/08/2012 10:43

You ok OP?

WildWorld2004 · 26/08/2012 11:20

I cant believe the law says he is still allowed to come & go in your house (or rather your mums house). That needs to change.

I also cant believe WA were so useless. Arent they meant to be there to help abused women?
Has he turned up yet?

Just wanted to add that tomorrow is a bank holiday tomorrow in scotland.

BerylStreep · 26/08/2012 11:59

Op, I hope you are ok.

You can get caller display on your landline if you have a phone with a screen on it. Most phone companies charge about £2 a month for it, some do it for free.

I know you don't want to involve your mum as she has a lot on, but if you had a dd, would you not want to know? I am sure she would be horrified that your exP is behaving like this towards you, especially in relation to her house!

Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 11:59

Oh shit I was hoping its one of those England only ones. Will phone around anyway in case anywhere is open.

Nothing happening here thankfully. Police phoned to check on us. Going to take ds out for a picnic as weather is lovely and we can't stay hiding in here forever.

To be fair English WA was really supportive and helpful, maybe I just got a duff one on the Scottish line. Hope what I said about them won't put anyone else off from phoning them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 12:05

I will tell her but once stepdad has had more tests (monday) and once I've got some proper advice (hopefully monday). She is worried enough about him and being stuck miles away so will not help her worrying more and not able to do anything. Have told my brother and he agreed.

Will look into the phone thing thanks. In the middle of getting line transferred to my name as BT wanted to charge 75 quid for the privilege if I did it before the contract was up. Money grabbing bastards but that is another thread!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2012 12:09

To me, you're putting the cart before the horse. Act to protect your family first... then find out if what you're doing hits all the legal niceties. My view - and the way the law normally works - is that if you're dealing with a threatening situation, you have to protect yourself in a way that others would find reasonable. It's entirely reasonable in the circumstances to make your home more secure and take other normal steps to ensure that you are safe and that he can't carry out his threat.

Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 12:47

We are more secure physically, don't want to say exactly what I have done, as I said he knows I use mn.

But I need a solicitor to help me prove he doesn't live here so can't walk in, don't know exactly what but police said they can issue some kind of order. Also start formally sorting separation. Hoping for something like Mammy described above re prohibited steps order.

We were just going out and police phoned wanting to come over and follow up some answers I gave last night.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 26/08/2012 12:57

Presumably the family mediation would prove that he doesn't live there.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2012 13:11

You don't need a solicitor to prove he doesn't live there before you put extra locks on the door. It's a fact that he doesn't live there. Hmm The police have better things to do than issue orders for people to enter their ex-MIL's houses.

NellyJob · 26/08/2012 13:27

Act to protect your family first... then find out if what you're doing hits all the legal niceties. My view - and the way the law normally works - is that if you're dealing with a threatening situation, you have to protect yourself
absolutely well put

Original poster
DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 13:54

The police told me to get a solicitor to issue an order not to come here. I have put an extra fucking lock on the door ok, I was trying to hint that above as I'm worried he might be reading this and didn't want to say it out right.

I'm going to get this thread deleted as its not exactly the support I was looking for. Don't know what I appear to have done wrong to deserve Hmm.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 26/08/2012 15:12

Op, I don't think anyone is having a go at you. It's the bonkers advice that the police have given you that everyone is Hmm at.

I'm really glad you have taken steps to make yourself more secure, and I hope it makes you feel a bit safer.

I'm not sure of the situation in Scotland, but I suspect that what the police are referring to is something similar to a non-molestation order. A solicitor would apply to the court to get one for you. But in the meantime, it is entirely reasonable for you to take steps to keep your family safe. Perhaps under the Scottish law it may be a technical civil offence for you to deny your exP access to the house, but no procurator fiscal is ever going to prosecute for that, and I doubt your exP has the means to pursue it anyway.

It's horrible that he is using your DS as some sort of an object to get at you with.

BerylStreep · 26/08/2012 15:13

And I would suggest you delete your last post if you think he may be reading, along with this one of mine.

NellyJob · 26/08/2012 15:14

doubleyew people here are just trying to support you, really, nobody is getting at you.