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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

broke up with OM

47 replies

BunniBoiler · 22/08/2012 23:46

Am married, had an affair for 8 odd years. Dh found a few txts and i got in trouble. Having counselling and on the road to getting back on track.

OM used to tell me he loves me all the time. Wen i told him.about d txts being found i got radio silence from him.

Now im not upset about it but curious as to why.he wudnt even ask how i am. Surely if u loved someone or even cared u wud ask about them.

So wise MNetters, why is he acting the way he is? P.s. i dont want an actual reply from him per se, and im not hung up on him. The conclusion i came up with was hes selfish and doesnt care. Actions speak louder than words!

But can u reaalt.not care about someone after all these years? Human nature works in mysterios ways in that case.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 22/08/2012 23:51

I'd say he's acting the way he is because he doesn't care, or at least want to distance himself from the situation as much as possible. As you said, actions speak louder than words. My ex told me he loved me on the night he broke up with me, talk is cheap.

nkf · 22/08/2012 23:54

I would suggest it means he's scared he'll get into trouble too. That he didn't care that much and he hopes he can just get on with his life with nothing to bother him.

SirBoobAlot · 22/08/2012 23:54

You must be hurting, and I'm sorry. But yeah - actions speak louder than words. I really hope you sort things out with your husband.

ninah · 22/08/2012 23:55

8 years? fecking ada
What do you feel for your dh?

chilled7up · 22/08/2012 23:56

Why are you still with your husband? You don't need counselling, you need to be honest and stop being a bitch to your DH. 8 years? SadAngry

MrMiyagi · 23/08/2012 00:00

Diddums.

ItsAPileOfBalls · 23/08/2012 00:00

I think it's pretty obvious that he loves his own sorry ass (and wants to keep it intact from a possible vengeful hubby) than he does/did you.

FuckityFuckFuck · 23/08/2012 00:01

yy MrMiyagi

Dryjuice25 · 23/08/2012 00:03

Why not forget him and just concentrate on mending things with dh.

...who is more important to you right now ?

RightFedUp · 23/08/2012 00:06

Why not try writing in English! Hmm

StuntGirl · 23/08/2012 00:50

If you don't care about him why do you care?

hugsandbutterflies · 23/08/2012 00:56

I don't get it. So he told you he loved you and is now treating you bad and you don't know how he can do this to you... but you've been cheating on your husband for 8 YEARS. I agree, actions do speak louder than words. Maybe its time to think about your actions and what they say about you. Your husband deserves better.

Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 07:05

He hasn't want all the shit that comes when an affair is discovered do he's gone NC to try to escape it. That isn't the action of someone who loves you. Is he married? Perhaps he is worried his wife will find out.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2012 07:59

Do you really need an answer to this question ?

You were just a convenient shag to him, a bored married woman to boost his ego

Of course he said he loved you. I expect you say you loved him too, but you soon dumped his arse from a great height when you got into "trouble" didn't you ?

SoupDragon · 23/08/2012 08:06

He's not replying because you were just an easy shag.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/08/2012 08:37

You're joking surely? You've dropped him, you say you're having counselling and presumably that all means your intention is to revive your marriage. Being dumped is pretty hurtful, whatever the cirumstances. Whenever I've been dumped, the last thing I do is start asking the guy who dumped me how he is.... no dignity in being a limpet. Hmm

wellisit · 23/08/2012 08:37

You chose your husband over him after 8yrs. He probably wants to distance himself completely to help himself get over that? I would.

WigGold · 23/08/2012 08:44

Great nickname, you get half a point for that.

chickenwingsmmmm · 23/08/2012 08:57

Really? The affair lasted 8 years? You don't care about not seeing him? Why the hell are you even asking this?
If you are really making a go of it, the fact he has disappeared makes it easier. The fact you are bothered by this shows you are not concentrating on your relationship.
The OM didn't love or respect you, which tbh is the way you have treated your dh.
OM doesn't want to involved with all the shitty fallout from your shitty actions.
Are you upset because he hasn't 'put up a fight for you' is that what you wanted/expected?

bumhead · 23/08/2012 08:58

I think it is you who is selfish and doesn't care.
8 years you've lied and cheated. That is disgusting.
You've wasted your husbands life for 8 years and all you care about it why the sad twat who has been your bit on the side all this time, has gone quiet on you?
More pathetically you've wasted your own life for 8 years on a bloke who, when it came down to it, turns out he didn't want you for himself. Classy.
Best advice I can give is for you to leave your husband, do him a favour, before you waste even more of his life.

OneMoreChap · 23/08/2012 09:00

I understand the correct line is:

You had an affair. For 8 years? You are beneath contempt, you should leave your DH straight away and leave him to cope with your betrayal as best you can.

If you have DC you should hope they can forgive you for the upset you have caused in breaking up the family. I hope your husband can forgive your breach of trust and build a new life with someone he can trust. How will you feel when your DC are calling his new partner "mummy".

Why haven't you heard from him? Possibly because you broke up with him, and being the unmarried partner in this he's respecting your choice.

Lucky you your partner has taken you back; I hope you're addressing why you had the affair, and your Dh has looked at what was wrong in your relationship.

Of course it is not his fault at all that you had an affair. I hope it works out for you.

YingTongIddleIPo · 23/08/2012 09:04

He was in love with how you made him feel. Not in love with you.

This is harsh but probably true & will help you to move on if you think of it often.

Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 09:09

OMC - "Of course it is not his fault at all that you had an affair." Was that sarcasm? I can't always tell with your posts Wink

OneMoreChap · 23/08/2012 09:15

No, it was emphasis.

Might be DH had caused some problems in the relationship, but it is entirely OP's choice to have the affair. [My case was similar, save only I was the DH rather than the DW, and after ending the affair, I left XW]

I would try and avoid thinking about OM often. That way lies dissatisfaction.

Geordieminx · 23/08/2012 09:41

rightfedup what a shitty patronising ignorant thing to say.

Perhaps the OP's first language isn't English, or she has dyslexia or other learning difficulties.