Honey traps and stunning women aplenty - dating thread 20!

[watchoutforthatsnail]

20!!!!!!

Bloody hell :)

It's awful, isn't it?

Mine was the same - when we were together it was intense. But during the week, when we were apart, he used to text & ring me all the time - but if I did the same, I was needy

He was an utter shit, looking back. I see it as a way to make me realise what I wouldn't put up with in the future. I can categorically say that I would never allow that sort of thing ever again, and my sweet kind DP is testament to that

Llareggub you just don't need it. Put him back in his box

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present The Amorous Bolter. Very good thread on MN a year or so ago. I've known at least two men like this. Once you realise they are a type, and it's not you, it makes it harder to get hurt again.

Hmmm, MadameO - interesting thread but I don't think that's quite what's going on here (although again, maybe I'm just too close to see it). I do think this man is capable of committing, full-on to a genuine, long term relationship. I know a lot about his past and he certainly hasn't left a string of heartbroken ex-lovers behind. The thing that I think I'm afraid to admit to myself (and hence why I'm hesitant to challenge him with an ultimatum) is that maybe he just doesn't want to commit to a genuine relationship with me. Either way, I know I need to find out sooner rather than later.

yogagirl - I like cherubim's version of contact much better. I'm actually quite cross on your behalf. He's messing with you.

MadameO -glad your date went well. :-). PM summary- best male friend, unrequited love blah, blah.

Sponge how are you? What's up?

So, just dragged myself out of bed... Managed to stay up until half two with PM (ds2 was putting make up on half his face, I got the other half) playing 'just dance' on the wii and talking so much that we've got to the rather over-comfortable stage of conversing whilst one or the other of us is peeing. .

Told PM about the prof. He's delighted for me. text from him this morning 'well done with OKc man, that's amazing!' to which I've replied 'yes, we'll we'll see. Suspect it's just a bit of a fling, which is fine by me just now, he's not really husband material'

Oh what a tangled web we weave....

Yogagirl, I think you should send an edited version with the emotional blackmail removed about having a crappy year and blah blah.

Then, you've done everything you can and if he still doesn't stop being a twat then you have your answer about how he really feels, despite whatever he says or how he acts.

And if he doesn't stop being a dick then you are free to find something that really actually is something nice just for you and doesn't hurt you

Oh snape. I remember being 'delighted' for Thailand wanker when he announced he was moving. I said yay, follow your dreams, that's wonderful..

When really I was devastated and cried almost solidly for a month.

I reckon PM's just putting a brave face on it & went home & had a snivel about the Prof. If not consciously then definitely subconsciously.

In my mind I imagine you & PM as one of those 'almost' couples in films where the obvious chemistry is such you end up screaming at the screen 'FFS just kiss will you!!' .

Mr PFWB was texting me til 2am. I suspect he is now lying somewhere horribly hungover. I was tempted to ring him at 7.30am when I got up but thought that would be mean!

Also even though I may be hopelessly single, never get a second date and I suspect even the PWFB will remain potential rather than actual, I am VERY pleased with myself as I caught a huge spider last night, all on my own. As I am petrified of them this was v brave for me.

I rewarded myself with half a pack of jaffa cakes

Isn't it funny... I was devastated when he was seeing his short-lived gf, couldn't imagine ever being in the same room as her. PM wants to meet the prof. I find this weird. Can't work out if it's a solicitous checking him out to make sure he's 'worthy' or a comparison or that he is so spectacularly dense that he can't work out how awkward that might be (for me and arguably the prof who knows I have....feelings for PM)

....and yes time I know EXACTLY what you're going to say.

sponge ahw, brave old you! [jaffa] :-) I'm enjoying your potential fwb scenario. :-)

Sponge that's exactly what I'm envisaging! The 'almost' movie type couple that is.

Sponge! Bloody well done on the spider thing. I love them so not an issue for me, but I applaud you.
Enjoy the texting and ask yourself, is he good enough for me? That's what I'm doing. It sounds arrogant as hell but actually it's just a way to stop all that relentless self-examination and second-guessing.

Snape don't you think PM wanting to meet the Prof is like when you keep touching a bruise...you know it hurts but something compels you to do it anyway? I am a hopeless romantic so, impressed though I am with the Prof, I still want you & PM to ride off into the sunset together :)

I would be enjoying potential FWB if he became an actual one. But then again even potential sex is better than none at all. Though the warm weather today and the number of fit male cyclists out in lycra is not helping

I really like your attitude madameO. Such a welcome addition to the thread regulars (& so are all the other lovely new contributors of the last few days. )

sponge well done on the spider!! I can totally sympathise, I hate the bloody things and if you don't get rid of them they just taunt you!

snape someone has got to make a movie of this (or at least a mini-series for channel 5!)

Ok, is this any better? (waiting for the MN approval before I sent it)

"Dear xx, You keep telling me to 'challenge my assumptions', so I'm challenging them. I keep assuming you're right, that a relationship between us simply couldn't work. But 60 miles isn't really very far at all. People have long distance relationships at much greater distances than that all the time. We could easily travel back and forth at weekends...and if it went well & I was comfortable introducing you to (DCs) then it would give us even more flexibility. If it's really right we can figure it out. After all, it's only another 6 years or so til even (youngest DC) is going to be off doing his own thing without giving a thought to what we're up to!

You need to make your mind up and decide if you want to be with me or not because I can't keep doing this. xx"

I really like the prof as well (although he does tend towards the filth more than anything else, that helpfully allows me to compartmentalise him as a sexual plaything, although obviously i can only consider shagging him because of the humour and intelligence...good grief if a bloke said that! We'd kill him... )

But yes, I love PM. It's just how he is around the kids, he lets DS2 put rollers in his hair and put make up on him ( I actually loved putting make up on 'my' half of his face last night, let's bury that kink right away) he 'gets' DS1, who is geeky & prone to being bullied, because he was like that when he was 14... I still just don't think he gets it. He was asking me to look at his stomach yesterday, whether I think he'd get a six pack with all the gym attendance and I had to seriously check myself from touching his stomach. This is hell.

& because it's hell & loathing, 2nd date with the prof is booked for Wednesday. Grandparents are down staying at mine. I'm getting laid by someone sweet and funny and intelligent and handsome who actually likes me. but

Yogagirl thats great, really really good except the end line - he has said no already a couple of time and given his daft excuse so his mind is already made up. I would just say - Please think seriously about this and let me know?

Yoga -
Too passive, girl!
How about:
"Dear xx. I've been "challenging my assumptions" as you suggested. Distance isn't an issue if you really want to be with someone. This attitude of yours really isn't working for me I'm afraid. I need someone who is going to be consistently reliable and knows what they want, preferably me. I don't think you are this person, sorry.
Hope this isn't too disappointing for you but I feel it's better to be honest in these situations.

Yogagirl xx

See? Arrogant as fuck

Snape, would you like my honest view on you and PM?

I think the narrative bit in the middle looks a little cajolling... If it were me, I would try....

Dear xx

You tell me to 'challenge my assumptions' so I'm challenging this one - I assumed you were right, that 60 miles is too great a distance for a relationship between us to work. People have relationships at far greater distances, we could travel back and forth at weekends initially and if things went well and we decided to introduce you to DCs we would have even more flexibility. I'm starting to think the distance is an excuse and if you really wanted to be with me, then you would. You need to make up your mind and decide if you want to be with me or not, because I will not keep doing this.

Hope that helps. :-). I'm still inclined towards cherubims version. :)

Lubey, probably not.... But go on, I can take it!

Another one for yogagirl

I have mentioned this is from experience but neglected to tell you the experience.

In my case, it was a chap living nearby who was just amazing and we got on amazingly, great sex and chemistry, great conversation, a definite 'connection' etc etc. He was also gorgeous and totally my physical type, 6ft 4, great body, own business, intelligent, etc.

Anyway I was seeing him for about two months and I wanted something a bit more definite than just 'seeing' but his excuse was he was only just divorced, and a bit messed up.

So, i was patient, two months turned into about four, and all the time he kept me at arms length even though everything was amazing between us when we were together.

I finally cracked and sent him an email that said something like look, I don't want you to move in or anything like that but we have this amazing time and you have previously said we have a great connection and all that, and I was just asking to be in his life just a tiny bit more.

He replied agreeing with me again that we were great together, but he was having a hard time and going to the coast for a few days to think.

I gave up at that point. Six months later after no contact at all he got in contact and I forced him to tell me what the fuck that was all about, what was the real problem, cos it sure as hell wasn't me.

Turns out he had been seeing his ex wifes best mate the whole time I was seeing him, keeping it secret due to the divorce, and they were now officially a couple and very happy. They are still together, see them about sometimes now - this was ages ago.

But anyway my point is that after i had my last ditch effort to allay his fears I was fine. It became clear when he dodged it yet again with more crap that he really wasn't that into me despite what he said and how he acted etc.

I'm really glad i eventually got the real reason out of him, but I was fine anyway and looooong over it by that point.

Snape ok - no big girl boots needed!!

my honest view is that you should just sit him down and tell him how you feel.

No games or honeytrap profiles, no faffing about.

Have a nice evening, a load of booze (but not too much) take his hand and just do it.

I hope things work out the way you want them to yogagirl. Having been in. Long distance relationship of 600 miles for nearly a year, 60 miles is truly nothing. It's an excuse for something.

Snape I think PM is curious, not because he is interested in whether or not The Prof is good enough for you, but to assess whether The Prof is better than him. If he decides that The Prof is no match for him then he can relax in the assurance that he hasn't lost you. If this were me I would tell him no, he isn't meeting The Prof, not until it becomes serious Because really, there is no need for Pm to meet him.

Also Snape I think PM is showing a little too much interest in The Prof, for him not to be interested in you. I think he may be feeling a little jealous and wants to make sure he has nothing to be jealous about. I think, my dear, that there is a very good chance that your honey trap is working, and you should keep it up. Don't let the men meet but do fill PM in on 'events and happenings', highlighted with gushing description. And put blusher on your cheeks to enhance that rosy glow

'gushing' could well be right by Wednesday night.

No way they're meeting! Unless I end up marrying the prof then they can meet at the wedding. Thing is, PM will not compare himself favourably against the prof. Prof is terribly funny, devastatingly handsome, extremely accomplished in his field. PM is a bit tubby, jobless, thinks he isn't good at anything much...

Hmm, just had a sneak by PMs OKc profile. He's rewritten it.. Added pic of DS2s make over as his profile pic (verrrrry alluring) & referred to several in-jokes in his narrative. think he is reasoning that if i can meet someone on OKc then all is not lost for him, or that he is having to up his game as I have the prof & am on verge of dropping him.

We'd had a big talk yesterday afternoon about relationships, how his ex wanted to see him all weekend and most of the well and it drove him mad (I very much agree with this point...) how he felt low on Friday, so just wanted to be left alone with some beer and video games ('well, my take on that is to check you're ok, let you get on with things if you need to be alone, but make sure you know I'm here for a cuddle if you need one. I mean in general. In a relationship. Not you. ') but we'd been talking around how friends drop each other when they're in a relationship. I'm quite determined that just cannot happen with PM, but I can't imagine anyone would put up with that for long... 'yes, this is my best friend I'm in love with him sorry, can't see you tonight, we're going to sit and watch peters friends and be annoying for 6 hours.' [wetshark]