Page 27 | Honey traps and stunning women aplenty - dating thread 20!

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 00:02

Madame- thanks for the lyrics, they are perfect.

I keep trying to convince myself I can just see it as a fling/distraction/sex but somehow it keeps ending up all serious again.

Here's the question (and I"m probably going to get slammed for this) - is it possible we have a genuine connection and that he's genuinely as confused as I am (in other words, he's not just a wanker and using me)?

lubeybooby · 26/08/2012 00:03

Yogagirl, trust me my advice comes from experience... been there done that more than once. But it comes down to self respect and having the confidence not to accept less than you deserve

and having something nice for you would be great, if it didn't hurt you and upset you - that is in no way nice or what you deserve

lubeybooby · 26/08/2012 00:07

and yogagirl, the only way to find out the answer to that is to call him out on it. Take some control and put your POV across, as i said in the previous message.

If you still get the same rubbish cop out, then no he really isn't confused and IS being a wanker.

If you are in love with someone, or like them so much that it's heading that way, you go for it and would move mountains to be with them, and definitely not let a stupid tiny, TINY distance like 60 miles get in the way.

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 00:07

lubey - you're right, this is in no way what I need or deserve. And I dont' really understand why I had the courage to walk away from my marriage knowing it wasn't what i deserved and yet I can't walk away from this man I've only known a few months.

Madame - I don't mind the therapy-speak but I honestly don't think so. I think I just fell really hard for this guy and I'm having trouble letting go.

MadameOvary · 26/08/2012 00:10

I know what that connection feels like. But it is only a feeling. A collection of synapses firing and chemicals in the brain. It's all very well but it's needs to be backed up with consistent, loving, respectful behaviour.

It doesn't matter if he is confused or not. His behaviour is hurtful. Whether he means it or not, it is not healthy and need someone who leaves you feeling good about yourself.
You are the one who matters here. You deserve better.

hatesponge · 26/08/2012 00:12

I agree with Lubey. You might have a genuine connection but if hes not prepared to hear out your POV, to at least give it a try notwithstanding any misgivings he may have as to distance, then you are definitely better off without him.

60 miles isnt that far tbh. Having said that I've had lots of men cancel dates with me when they worked out I was 25-30 miles away. Some men literally arent prepared to venture outside their own comfort zone both literally and metaphorically!

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 00:15

Ok, thank you all. I"m going to have a think about what I need to say to him. I'll no doubt check back here tomorrow before I go for it though!

Madame- I've been keeping a sort of diary/journal since late last year (when my husband started fucking being friends with another woman) and your lyrics are going in it.

thanks xx

lubeybooby · 26/08/2012 00:18

cancelling dates due to distance i reckon is fair enough - easy to be put off when no feelings tie you to a specific person, no having met before, built rapport and connection etc..

...but this bloke, who claims to like yogagirl so much, and this supposed 'connection' and all that, if that were true, then by that point if you really feel that way the distance pretty much vanishes.

Players are very good at making a woman feel like the connection is there, and know thats what keeps them coming back...

Again voice of experience here.

If when confronted by the voice of reason telling him his distance excuse is a bit crap and that load of people have LDR's successfully with far, far greater distance doesn't budge him, then that is confirmation that he doesn't really feel the way he would like yogagirl to believe.

MadameOvary · 26/08/2012 00:22

I'm delighted they are helping you. If you want to hear the song PM me and I will send you the link to hear it (free natch) x

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 00:27

Thanks MadameO, I'll do that (if I can figure out how). You're in good company, I've got lots of song lyrics as well as pictures in this journal along with all my own personal writing. :)

MyLittleMiracles · 26/08/2012 00:35

madameo glad your date went okay. Its always worth a second date so long as they aren't twats in between
yogagirl you need to figure out what you want, I know I did, and if he can't give you that its best to cut ties, cos you sound so much like me with my ex, and I always believed he had/would change, never did though, the only way to free myself from his intoxication was to cut all ties and move forward. I no longer love him, nor do I hate him, I hate what he did to me, but I don't hate him, in fact I feel nothing at all.

MadameOvary · 26/08/2012 00:40

Thanks MLM I second that sentiment!
Yoga I am very flattered, thank you x
Have you heard of something called cognitive dissonance? It's quite interesting. Might have some significance for you.

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 00:56

MLM - thats exactly how I feel about my XH! I so don't want to end up feeling that way about this guy though - it's been so nice to really feel something for someone again.

Madame - I think you might have hit on something there.

Lueji · 26/08/2012 08:16

Yoga, as much as it hurts you, you MUST say goodbye to him.
At the very least, the next time he says he can't have the relationship.
You are definitely being manipulated.

And all that crying is not healthy.

You want someone who makes you smile.

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 08:57

Ok, how about this:

Dear xx, You know I think you are the most lovely person and i think you know just how much I care about you. But what you are doing to me is messing with my head and with my heart. You saw what it did to me on Monday when I had to leave so to send me messages saying you want to see me & cuddle me just isn't fair.

You keep telling me to challenge my assumptions, so I'm challenging them. I keep assuming you're right, that a relationship between us couldn't work. But 60 miles isn't really very far at all. People have long distance relationships at much greater distances than that all the time. We could easily travel back and forth at weekends...and if it goes well & I feel comfortable introducing you to (the DCs) then it gives us even more flexibility. If it's really right then we can figure this out. After all, it's only another 6 years or so til even (my DS1, who's the youngest between our 4) is going to be off doing his own thing without giving a thought to what we're up to!

If you care about me as much as you say then please think about it. And if you're still sure that you don't want to give it a chance then you can't keep doing this to me. You know what kind of year I've had and I really deserve something nice, something that's going to make me feel good and doesn't hurt and right now this isn't it.

xxx

cookiedough2012 · 26/08/2012 09:45

Hi everyone, please can I join? I've had my ups and downs with online dating, more downs than ups. I'll fill in more detail later but just wanted to pop in and comment on Yogagirl's post.

Hi Yogagirl, I'm sure you are on tenterhooks wanting some feed back and I hope you don't get offended, but IMO I think you need to take but some control from this guy. Make it briefer, he already knows how you feel and don't let him know any further that he is messing with your head and heart. Basically, you like him and don't see that the distance is a problem. You don't need to be living in each others pockets at this stage and one a week it enough for now, and the rest can be worked out when the time is right. If he's not happy with that then its best to move on and end contact as it isn't fair on both of you. I hope I came across ok and you get what I'm saying. I know how hard it is for you but we would need to stop allowing guys to mess with us and think they can just breeze in and out as they wish. You really must be prepared to move on but you deserve better and as others say if he is going to make the distance such an issue then he isn't right for you and its not meant to be. Stay strong and demand the respect that you deserve. Good luck.

Cherubim · 26/08/2012 09:52

I completely agree with everyone else. I had experience of this too, before I met my lovely DP, and I nearly ended up having some sort of breakdown.

It was the women on MN that helped me and gave me the strength to take control & get rid.

Your message is great, but puts him in control again.

Here's my version -

'Dear X

Stop being a dick. Do you want to be with me or not? You need to make your mind up and stop messing me about.

Lots of love, Yoga'

DZH · 26/08/2012 09:55

Yogagirl

A male perspective.

You need to add a last paragraph stating quite clearly that if he cant or wont discuss this and meet you halfway then you will have to end the relationship immediately. Men do better (well, I do anyway) when given clear choices with consequences.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely woman.

Llareggub · 26/08/2012 10:04

No, yogagirl, please don't send your email. Send the one that cherubim wrote, far more effective!

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 10:08

Hi cookie, Cherubin & DZH - thanks so much for the feedback. Not offended at all and very much appreciate the male perspective! So needs to be briefer & clearer. Because you're absolutely right DZH - the way I've written it we'll just end up back where we are now which is trying to maintain some kind of vague limbo friendship kind of thing which clearly isn't working.

Have to be out most of the day but will work on it and come back later.

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 10:09

Oops, Llare, x-posts. Will try to write something closer to cherubims (tho maybe without calling him a dick).

Cherubim · 26/08/2012 10:17

Yoga - it was described to me here as a 'push-you-pull-you' relationship.

With hindsight, (this was 2 years ago now), he was a controlling wanker. One day he would tell me he loved me, and he couldn't live without me, he wanted me and the dc to move in, yadda yadda - and then 2 days later he changed his mind. This happened not just once, but TWICE, because I let it.

I was fucking heartbroken after the 4th time he dumped me, and then wanted me back

I came on here for advice, and some wonderful women showed me how and why I was letting myself be treated like a twat. Like you, I had just come out of a LTR.

The weirdest thing was, I'm a strong, feisty bird, and it was so out of character for me to allow this kind of behaviour - I was told that men like this like those kinds of women best, it's almost like and extra point in the controlling scorecard.

When I dumped him, he was breezy and bright about it, like he didn't give a shit. Then he told me 3 days later that he'd slept with someone else and she'd said that he'd given her genital warts, so I'd better get myself checked out.

From coming on here and Googling, he was lying, because HPV would never have shown up so quickly - this was another way to upset and control me, just because he could.

The next time he called me, I told him he was a cunt, and to NEVER contact me again. Then I changed my number and never looked back. He never came round or anything, because he actually did not give a tiny shite.

You deserve more, love. Relationships are supposed to make you happy.

Llareggub · 26/08/2012 10:31

Very interesting perspective, Cherubim. One of the reasons why I haven't started Internet dating again is because just after Christmas I started chatting on FB to an ex who I knew before I met with exH. We've been in a relationship of sorts for some time, which started as friendship but he started talking about how we should married first time around, how much he wants me in his life etc etc. of course he lives 150 miles away so not easy, but we've booked hotels and had the odd night of passion

We get on famously when we are together and he promises me the earth, but when we are apart he is a complete arse. A few times I have told him where to stick it but I am a sucker for the whole "but I want you in my life" thing.

It was thrown to a head recently after he said he wass coming to stay for the weekend and that he wanted to meet my DCs etc. I told him no to meeting them (too early) but a weekend would be great. He was full of wanting a relationship and literally 4 days later he sent a text to say he had applied for a job in flipping China FFS.

I have resolved to leave him exactly where he is. He is all about the control I think.

Llareggub · 26/08/2012 10:31

First sewntance should say that "one of the reasonsss why I have started Internet dating again"

Yogagirl17 · 26/08/2012 10:37

Cherubim, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I can see some of what your'e saying in what I'm going through. Like you I consider myself a pretty strong person generally- when my husband of 14 years had an affair, lied to my face about it for ages then blamed me for it I walked away. I'm not afraid to be on my own.

Maybe I just can't see it but I really don't think this guy quite falls into the 'controlling wanker' category. I do think he's being selfish and immature and one of us needs to start acting like a grown up but I will be very, very surprised if he turns nasty. I guess I'll find out though...

Right, really need to get off here and finish getting dressed and get out the door!