Honey traps and stunning women aplenty - dating thread 20!

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20!!!!!!

Bloody hell :)

Hello ladies, I have been following your thread as I have bee thinking about venturing into dating.

It has been 6 months since I split with ex, and I feel ready!

I had a look on OKC after reading some of your threads, and emailed a genuine sounding bloke, and bloody hell I now find myself arranging a coffee with him [ smile]

Any advice would be appreciated

ladygoingGaga love the name :)

Relax and enjoy, at worse it's an hour that you won't get back, at best it could be the start of something nice. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Wear something you feel comfortable in.

lady totally agree with Chaotic's advice. It'd only an hour or so. Try not to overthink it (easier said than done!)

moving I totally sympathise with that feeling of wasting time! I was expecting to be entertained by Mr Possible FWB tonight*, instead I am sitting here watching crap Saturday night TV...

*in a nutshell: he is a LOT younger than me, asked me out many months ago. I ummed & ahhed, never happened. We kept in touch though via the odd text/call. He's quite clever, funny and has never sent me anything in the slightest rude. Quite a refreshing change actually. So heard from him yesterday, we got chatting, the upshot of which was him saying (not in so many words) he wants a sort of FWB thing with me. We agreed he'd come round and discuss it. I said I was free any time after 6 today, he said ok. At about 5.45 he text me to say he wasn't sure what he was doing and all his friends were round . He has however very slightly redeemed himself by phoning and saying sorry (profusely) for being a complete arse. I expect he will be wanting to call in on his way home, but he'll be out of luck!

sponge Grrr men for you.
chaotic yep I plan on marrying everyone off on here apart from me. Marriage is a no for me

snape & sponge - feeling so frustrated for both of you!!!

Meanwhile, can someone give me a good talking to please?! The man I really fell for this summer (think he needs a name too as he's clearly not going away any time soon) has told me twice now that we definitely can not have any kind of romance/relationship because he likes me too much and knows it could never work in the long run. Twice now I've ended up in tears. And twice now this declaration has been followed a few days later by (possibly drunk and no doubt horny) texts telling me he wants me. I know he's messing with me. I know I should tell him to get lost but I can't because I think I might actually be in love with him. Help.

Yogagirl, what does he claim is the reason it wouldn't work?

Hi all,
Well that was interesting. He wasn't what I'd imagined (they never are, which is why I have to adopt the attitude I do)

Very blokey, but smart with it. Reformed arsehole but still an unreconstructed male. Those are my first impressions. He didn't seem terribly relaxed and maybe seemed to take himself a bit too seriously BUT that didn't really bother me. I'm just wary of mask-wearing charmers like my ex.

Anyway, I wont really know how I feel until I sleep on it. I have learned that nothing can be assumed straight away. It's just washing over me just now. I asked if we could start as friends and he seemed to quite like the idea. Practically speaking he lives just down the road from me and so it makes sense not to jump into anything I could regret later.

Oh and a small problem - facially he looks a bit like my brother which could account for the ambiguity I'm feeling re finding him attractive

I would like to see him again though, as every meeting reveals something else. We'll see what the next couple of days bring.

I'm fairly relaxed I guess because I expect the process to take a while and I'm still enjoying the freedom to go out and do this. Also I have a platonic male friend who I am in a band with who tells me I'm hot all the time so the ego gets soothed

He is happily married though, before you ask. And his wife is awesome. Very cool with our friendship. At a party she witnessed another woman (who was a bit pissed) try to rip her husband's shirt of and say "If my man looked like this I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning" Her response? She was delighted. Is that weird? I like to think Id be the same with a husband I adored and trusted.

The singer in the band also fancies me but as he is a complete slut I can't really be flattered. Also his sexual technique leaves something to be desired, so I'm told.

Snape could you enlighten me as to the situation with PM? I can kind of guess but...

I am in no hurry to have sex with anyone, probably because getting dates organised is a fecking nightmare with a pre-schooler and I'm damn sure that he better be worthy of the hassle!

lubey - because we live too far away. It's only 60 miles so definitely not too far for something casual - could quite easily travel that distance every week or every couple of weeks. But he keeps saying he wants something serious, someone to really share his life with etc. When I see him I think he is the most lovely, gorgeous person, we feel so right together & I want to be with him so badly.

Yoga. He likes you so much he can't have a relationship with you? He sees no future but he wants you? Don't get hooked up on this control/drama as its like an addiction. Instead find someone who likes you so much he sees a future and wants to have a relationship with you. And he made you cry...twice. It's not love and why are you loving someone like that?

Yogagirl
for you. There is no such thing as liking someone too much. He wants to keep you interested, and the intensity level high, whilst ensuring he gives you nothing but grief.
He is feeding off the attention. Wanker.

This is my standard note to tossers like this.

Dear X,

Thanks for being so honest with me and saying it could never work. That must have been a really painful decision to come to. I must respect it though, so will say goodbye and wish you good luck in future relationships you're going to need it you self-obsessed tool

Yogagirl x

Then when he contacts you again say:

"We said goodbye. Dont make this any harder"

ONLY to be done if you are by this point laughing at him having seen him for the transparent loser he is.

MadameO, that's the problem - can't see it yet. there's a little voice whispering it but I keep shutting it up. The thing is, he's everything my XH wasn't. When I'm with him he's gentle & understanding & helps me figure stuff out instead of just talking down to me and...I could go on. And I also know this is no good for me but I don't know how to walk away from it.

Hahaha. That is really good Madame O. It could be dished out to any tosser who starts that I really like you but don't want a relationship twaddle or such like.

I get what you mean by the brother thing. My friend has a very hot son body wise but he is the image of her facially. It would just be wrong.

MadamO - about your date, you certainly don't sound like you were bowled over by him.

Scatty - um, friend's son should really just be wrong anyway, no?

60 miles is fuck all. Mine is more than double that away and we see each other about every week to ten days.

My exh and i also had a sort of LDR he was 60 miles away. after four years, i moved. We were married for six years after that - ok so in the end it failed, but our LDR was great and i don't regret moving and have stayed in the same town despite the split.

I would call him out on this, and tell him how you feel, and add some counter argument and spin, point out the positives

If he liked you that much he would make the effort, so if he doesn't go for it then i'm inclined to agree with MadameOvary.

If he doesn't go for it, then that is confirmation that his sob story of liking you too much is bullshit so cut all ties and stop kidding yourself that you're using him for sex. It will only continue you hurt you otherwise

Yoga so what he's saying is he really likes you but not enough to make the effort to travel 60 miles to see you, so he's hoping he'll find someone a bit more convenient thereby requiring him to make minimal effort but in the meantime wants to keep dangling you on a string to boost his own ego?

what a total wanker.

he does not for a second deserve you, you are worth MUCH more. a man who makes you cry is no good.

Mr Potential FWB has text me to apologise again :) I am struggling to remember the last time a man apologised to me for anything, which is probably why I am so impressed!

I'm sure he is gentle and understanding...because you are feeding him all the lovely intensity that emotional vampires like him crave.
The real test though, is how he is when you are not with him.

I knew someone like this. I was besotted with him. He made me feel like it was just the two of us in a bubble. He would draw me out, soothe and flatter me, listen (oh how he listened!) and then with all that intimacy we would go to bed and have an awesome romp.
He would always back off though. It left me feeling horribly raw and vulnerable. Want to see the lyrics he inspired?

Yoga girl. You are not in love with him. You are a puppet on a string. I don't mean to be harsh but there is only one type of man that tells a woman he doesn't want her for long term however it's dressed up, then Fucks with her head a few days later. A complete and utter player that doesn't give a damn about your feelings and is frankly just using you. Love shouldn't mean hurt. But I know how it feels to be infatuated with someone. Get yourself out there and distract yourself. You don't need a headfuck like him.

I know you are all right! He's just so different from my XH and I think that after 18 years with him, all the hormones and emotions suddenly flooding through me are totally fucking with my head. I did exactly the same with my first boyfriend when I was 15 - thought i was head over heels in love with him, sobbed my heart out when he broke up with me and went running back every time he clicked his fingers. Problem is, I'm not sure I ever felt the same about anyone since.

I want to call him out on it, tell him to either get his act together or get lost but I'm scared of losing him all together. I've had such a shit year and I just want something nice for a while. plus when we're together it feels so amazing

Yoga - I wasn't bowled over by him, no, but the last man I was bowled over by was my abusive ex so you'll see why I'm not fussed about initial impressions

That's your downfall yoga girl. Not your fault and not wrong to want something nice for yourself. But you shouldn't have to virtually beg for it. Call him out on it. Whatever the result you won't be in headfuckville any more.

MadameO - lyrics, yes please (although i have a feeling they will make me cry again)

Yoga If you are going to persist with the relationship, then please see it for what it is. Realise that you have as much right to use him as he is using you. You enjoy his company? Fine. But there isn't actually anything to lose. All you are attached to is the drama. There is nothing solid here.
Could you see it as a fling, a distraction, something to amuse you?

Lyrics:

The sun lights up the scene
Of this loveless severing
She wakes me by degrees

I waste another kiss on your cold morning skin
Don't know where we end or where I begin
I don't know how to reconcile this sin

Ch:

(I'm) always trying to pin you down
I trail in your wake, I'm all over this town
I didn't want to get so High over you

Ve:

All I wanna do is touch your hair
Wanna hold you through the night
And feel a little joy from this despair

I'm treading water, I'm craving land
Wishing you'd reach out and take my hand
Wishing you'd try, try to understand

Ve:

The clues in your cold lips
Now I understand
Why we're so close but we can't resist

This bloodless beating, this battery
Is all of the emotion that I'm ever gonna see
Now today belongs to me

All this crying is beginning to piss me off by the way - have done more flipping crying in the last 10 months than the last 10 years!

I don't mean to go all therapy-speak but could you be mourning something else, deep down? Grieving someone else? That was the case with me. Just wondering...