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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Evidence/snooping

166 replies

angelpinkcar · 21/08/2012 08:19

Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.

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Original poster

angelpinkcar · 13/10/2012 07:44

Morning all, thanks so much for your comments as had a little wobble last night when I spoke to STBXH on the phone when he said that he been crying all the time and could we talk. I thought about it for a few seconds and then said no I am sorry but I have made up my mind and you have had your chances. Its funny how its taken him a week to decide that he wants to give it another go. Very fishy if you ask me, three days ago he was divorcing me on line and now wants to talk about what he is losing and doesn't want to loose me and the DC's. What do you think, have you those that have already gone through this did your exh say this script?????? Its a bit of a chicken and egg situation with moving but have made some roads, on estate agents books for rentals, phoned work to sort out going back, will need references and have contacted the DC's old school, they have said there are spaces. I just want to pack up and go now but have a lot to sort out, hopefully will be gone before Xmas.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 13/10/2012 08:24

Well done for being strong.

Sounds like OW may have dumped him? And if he really wanted to come back, he would have been fighting really hard, wooing you, begging for forgiveness etc.

You deserve to be FIRST choice not the fall back option.

Good luck with the move - I am sure you will be so much happier once you all are back home and able to move on properly.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 15/10/2012 13:27

I have had some thinking time and discussions with friends that have known me for a long time. I have decided to stay put and not to move my DC's out of their lovely school and uproot them back to London. This has certainly changed his attitude, what a difference, quite happy when I was talking about selling up and moving on, now we have tears, worry, woe is me because its going to hit him hard in the pocket until I get sorted with a job etc. What a complete tosser and its taken me a week to get him to move out to his parents. I feel happier already now I know he is going. Couldn't give a toss if he is seeing anyone now, she is welcome to him, won't be much of a catch will he with no money. I asked him why he has given in so easy to splitting up and he said what is the point I don't want him. It really doesn't ring true with me, glad he isn't in a way but to me that says it all. Exactly Masaboutchoc, my thoughts exactly.

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Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 08:12

Hi there all. Just an update. STBEX went around to my Sisters and started to discuss me and that doesn't know why I have told him to go, so I was right from the beginning its all going to be my fault I am the mad one and have lost my senses and the poor lamb has done nothing wrong. Apparently he still wants to stay friendly with me. I was fuming when I found out he was there. Did I rant. Then he tried to control the situation by talking about how he was going to take the money out of the joint account, I told him go ahead leave your DCs with no food. I really don't get it he really doesn't want this marriage obviously not that I want him back have made my mind up there but something doesn't smell right!!!!!!! I am doing my best to stay put with the DC's until it is no longer viable as its going to be horendously expensive to move etc.

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Doha · 21/10/2012 08:53

I think the OW has given him the boot-she doesn't want him fool time..
I really hope your sister didn't entertain his lies and the "poor me what have l done " nonsence, it is time you put your story out there to the people who matter but please stay dignified as you have been throughout. Nobody asks theirnDH to leave for no reason..and no DH would leave without knowing why and what he has done wrong.
Is there any chance you can get to the joint account before him and get some money out to tide you over?
Also l think legal advice re mortage , child support is needed asap before he starts withdrawing funds.
Stay strong angel, you wings are holding you up-well done

Doha · 21/10/2012 08:54

hahahahah fool time full time =freudian slip

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/10/2012 09:27

What a twat - didn't take long for him to re write history...

I would set up a new bank account and move child benefits etc.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 14:51

Ha Ha or she is on holiday???? No my sister knows what has gone on over the years so didn't believe his rubbish. Think she was trying to find out whether or not he has OW but of course he denied it. Don't know what she was thinking of. He told me that he hadn't told his mum that we had split up just that we wasn't getting on and had moved out, now from my sister apparently he has told his parents the full story and yes rewrote history. I have got my own account already, but was thinking already of putting the child benefit into my account. I had a feeling the OW was someone he used to work with so I went onto FB and she has deactivated her account for some reason. It may be conicidence but she had been posting crap about being a really tough week, loads of sayings on there about love and thinking you know someone. May be clutching at straws. I know its useless trying to find out now, the deed is done but just would scratch an irritating itch I have had for some time. Lovely to hear from you guys it keeps me going, the wings falter every now and again but soon they will be in full flight again and I can soar above all of this rubbish. x

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Doha · 21/10/2012 15:15

who does or where does the family alowance go now? I hope not to him.
Again l think you may be onto something with OW given all that has happened with him in the last week. Perhaps she has realised he is not such a great catch after all.
Please get yourself some legal advice re finances., bills etc. Is the mortyage in joint names
Don't worry about what he has been telling his parents, the truth always finds a way out sooner or later, maintain your dignity at all times. The people who are important to you now the truth and thats what matters stuff the rest of the people it's none of their business.

hebetrayedme · 21/10/2012 15:25

Have just discovered h's affair; he had bought a SIM card specifically for contact with OW. I hope you're wrong because what I am now going through is true hell.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 16:48

Oh hebetryedme, it does get better, at least you have found out I really don't know what is worse knowing or not knowing. I would go with knowing as at least you can move on quicker and know you were not going mad. Doha the child allowance pays for the bills, I started to take it out for the kids what its meant for a few months ago and it caused so much grief I gave up. Don't worry I will get there in the end and it will be under my own steam and I will be standing on my own two feet not relying on him and living my life like I should have been years ago.

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Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 19:21

Change the CB now and if he kicks up a stink say that as the main carer you are entitled to it. The same with Tax Credits, get a claim in tomorrow as it can take several weeks to sort it out.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 21:19

Thanks bogeyface, I will. Got a text this evening saying how much he missed us all. Ummm really???? May be he is just starting to realise I actually mean business.

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Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 21:27

He is an arsehole! If he missed you that much then he wouldnt have thrown you all away would he?

Do not believe a word he says, especially about money, housing etc. He has proved himself to be untrustworthy. Right now it is in his interest to get back into the house, but that will change as soon as he gets his feet under the table with another OW. Get thee to a solicitor asap to make the most of his guilt, he will give you far more now when he is feeling bad than in 6 months when he has his own rent to pay aswell as contribute to your and the kids upkeep, and his OW is moaning because he cant afford to take her on holiday or whatever.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 21:37

Too True Bogeyface. I totally agree, just feeling a bit wobbly this evening as DD has been getting upset today as have told her whats going on, which made me upset. Packed a lot of his stuff today ready for him to take. I am a bit in limbo as trying to find work so we can stay where we are living which is a nightmare so may have to sell up and go back. Have prepared my DD and she is becoming accepting of the situation. She is a tough cookie and I should give her more credit. I need to stay strong,also due on so that doesn't help

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Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 23:02

Night eveyone, sorry have been a bit vo al on here tonight with other posters going through similar to me. Thanks everyone, night and have a lovely week. I may post if get chance. xxxxx

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Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 23:03

Soz Vocal, have a dyslexic keyboard tonight or too much red vino hahaha

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Doha · 21/10/2012 23:04

Night angel. try and get a good sleep tonight

Tomorrow is another day x

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 21/10/2012 23:06

Thank you Doha, DD in my bed tonight as she was feeling a bit upset earlie so will go and give her a cuddle. Yes tomorrow is another day and wonder what it will bring, night to you and you too have a good nights sleep.

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SleeveOfWizard · 21/10/2012 23:29

Glad to hear you sounding so positive OP. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that.

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 22/10/2012 10:20

Quick update, its starting, the will you take me back, received an email today the I love you and miss you don't want to throw away our marriage etc etc. No apology for being a shit husband for the past 2 years, can't understand why its taken him 3 weeks to say anything and on an email can't even say it to my face. What do you think? Is this what happens usually? Does it mean the OW has given him the heave ho, or he has got cold feet. I was the one that told him to leave though. For my own sanity and happiness.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 22/10/2012 10:26

This often happens - its part of the script.

The lack of apology shows that he does not give a shit about what he put you through. It sounds like he is all me me me. As you say, he is not saying it to your face so it means nothing and he is not prepared to change or show that he is really committed to saving his marriage.

Opentooffers · 22/10/2012 10:55

Sounds like the OW has seen a side to him she does not like and given him the heave-ho. This is his fear of ending up with no one - which is exactly how he should end up given what he has put you through. Stay strong, you deserve to be nobody's 2nd best, least of all his x

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 22/10/2012 11:52

If OW hasn't given him the push, then he is probably sensing you managing to detach from him and thinks it prudent to reel you back in and keep you onside as a backup.

You are no-one's backup, right ?

Original poster

angelpinkcar · 22/10/2012 13:46

Thanks all, I thought as much. My instinct was right. No I am no ones back up. Is he missing me and the DC's or is it just the comfortable life he once had where everthing was done for him, me thinks the later. Not falling for it. Not buying the I am not very good at talking about my feelings, as it never used to stop him in the past, all of sudden he can't talk to me anymore about how he feels, more like he can't be bothered.

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