Evidence/snooping

[angelpinkcar]

Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.

[angelpinkcar]

I feel more agitated,anxious upset and annoyed , about going back but really scared about staying as I don't have any family as such here. I don't want to loose my house either, we love our house. I know its only bricks and mortar but I have worked hard to get it. I feel worried about finances if I stay where I am but will be no better off if I move back but will have more support back there. Although the support have been doing my head in lately and not being very supportive with their comments.

[Ebayaholic]

Hi angel
Sorry for late reply. Rather than trying to work out which is the best decision, which is the least bad decision? If you say to yourself that you'll move back, is there a sense of relief? What about the other way round?
Good luck to you, one thing is certain and that's you will be ok- you are strong and you have dignity. In the long run you will be better off than he- I've seen it so many times.

[angelpinkcar]

Hi Ebayaholic,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have started telling friends I have made down here that I have split from H and thinking of going back, they don't want me to go bless them. Its a really tough decision and I didn't envisage being so difficult. I thought at first well thats it not working so lets go back and start again but now things have gone on for a while like the sale of the family home which is taking an age it seems because of Christmas, being at home over the Christmas holidays, going back up to London then visiting where we will be potentially moving back to my heart sank. Do I need to go with my heart or my head on this one??? It changes from day to day. My DD said we should go back and I should stop listening to eveyone else, bless her so wise at such a young age. She is so right though, I should do what I think is right. They are coing around to the idea now so is it me that wants to stay?????!!!!

[Ebayaholic]

Hi Angel
You need to go with your gut instinct, which seems to be saying go back. I am definitely of the opinion that family ties and support trump all else and as you are vulnerable at the moment you should be wherever you feel safest. Your DC would probably benefit too and this may relieve some of your stress. Remember, you don't have to make permanent decisions as yet.

[angelpinkcar]

Hi Ebayaholic,

I have been thinking about it over the last couple of days and chatting with friends and family. Some think I should stay and step up my search for a job and rent down here. Others think I should go back. I have been writing down pros and cons of all options. A lot of the cons can be overcome in all options but the place where I would get the most support is going back. I have also discussed it with the DC's and they are ok going back and hopefully will adapt. I walked along the beach with them today and it felt so lovely and sad almost that it won't last for much longer if I decide to move back. It does tear me apart making this decision as it was my dream to love here. Am I being too soft and sentimental and need to get back to reality may be and stop living in my bubble where I have been for the past year???

[Ebayaholic]

Hi and congratulations on the strength and dignity you have shown throughout. You must do what is best for you - work out what you want and start making it all happen. Where would you receive the most support?

[angelpinkcar]

Hi all,
Its been 3 months now since split with H. I am still living in the house with the DC's, H is living at his mum and dads. Someone has offered to buy the house which is going through slowly. My DPs think I should stay put as its a really lovely place to bring the DC's up and I haven't been at work for nearly a year. The longer it goes on the more I agree with them. I have been looking for work here, its in the South West but not a lot going on. Really need some advice now as time is ticking away. H has been paying for everything up until now so you can imagine thats not going to last and is pushing for this, me to move on backe to London and go back to my old job which I really don't want to do. Don't know where to start really, what would you do in my situation. Hope someone can help

[angelpinkcar]

Hi there all, just got back from a half term break away. It was full on with the two DC's on my own but they were very good. Went to vist DPs abroad so didn't really have much time to think about whats going on back home. H picked us all up, it was a bit weird not having a hug from him but not that I was expecting one. When I got back home there was a card and flowers from him, wanting me to give him another chance but what I thought was that he still can't admit that he has done anything wrong or am I reading into it too much. Without outing myself on here the line was "I know you have been treated badly" by who I ask???? where is the sorry there??? Its never said to my face as I am more of a face to face kind of person, its either a weird email and now a card. If it was me trying to woo someone back I would be doing a hell of a lot more than that, what do you think????

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes, you should be proud of yourself for staying strong.

He is pissed off cos his plans are falling apart - he was expecting you be a doormat.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

*him

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

You outplayed at his own game

[Bogeyface]

He had it planned to leave when he was ready and you pulled the rug out when you got in first.

Then, because you didnt play the game properly, he was put out that you dont want him! Its got nothing to do with him loving you as he wouldnt treat you like this if he did, but to do with his ego. He has to prove that he could have you back if he wanted to, but you are buggering that up by telling him that actually, no he cant!

Stick to your guns. He is playing you and sooner or later, the truth will come out.

[angelpinkcar]

Thanks Bogeyface and HHMF, also he let something slip again by saying it really threw him when I said lets split up and he hadn't prepared for it, like he was going to leave me anyway and I got there first. I really think I did you know, thats why there was no shock, no tears from him when I said lets call it a day. Nothing like why are you doing this to me etc etc, like I would have done it I was shocked if someone had said to me what I had said to H. None of it makes any sense to me other than the fact he isn't that bothered and as you say misses his comfortable home, his DC's. He also made me laugh when he said he doesn't mind me not working and likes me being off with the DC's which is complete bollocks. As this is what started it all. Me not working and being on a sabatical. Something feels really wrong here....

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I say "well done you"

and "tough titty, you made your choice, sunshine" to him

what did he expect ?

you were waiting by the door for him every night, like a faithful old labrador missing her master ?

fuck that

[Bogeyface]

Oh nice one! I am glad you gave him a hard time!

T
Yep, this is exactly what happens.

He leaves, make you feel like shit, lies, and makes you think you are going mad

OW dumps him or he realises she isnt the heavenly angel he thought she was, and he wants to come back. He doesnt apologise, doesnt try and make up for it, just expects you to be grateful he "chose" you.

He tries to rewrite history (again) so that none of this is his fault and YABU for not trying again.

And thats where it all goes wrong, because in his world, you cave in, he comes home and everything is lovely until the next OW comes along. But in reality you tell him to go and fuck himself and he is left on his own, without you, the kids, the nice comfortable life and everyone knows why.

[angelpinkcar]

Just spoken to H away from the DC's. I am not a happy bunny, I asked him why its taken nearly a month after him leaving to have a conversation with me about where did it go wrong, I miss you and the DC's (him not me) I have been in shock, I wanted to give you space. I said well you didn't sound in shock when you suggested getting divorced 3 days after we split up. He said he was protecting himself. I confronted him re another woman which he denied then ranted for a bit then said why would he do that to jepordise ever getting back with me, I think he let something slip there. I aked him about why he deletes history texts then he throws it back at me deflection tatics. He wasn't too bad when he thought it was all down to him being a complete shit but now I have bought up being an OW he is getting a bit twitchy. I was feeling really sorry for myself today worried about the future, where would me and the DC's end up frightened of ever having another relationship incase they were a weirdo and wanting to hurt my DC's , frightened that my H would start playing silly buggers with the kids etc. Now I am pissed off and ready for it. Is this normal for whats happening with me at the moment any advice please wise mumsnetters.

[angelpinkcar]

Thanks all, I thought as much. My instinct was right. No I am no ones back up. Is he missing me and the DC's or is it just the comfortable life he once had where everthing was done for him, me thinks the later. Not falling for it. Not buying the I am not very good at talking about my feelings, as it never used to stop him in the past, all of sudden he can't talk to me anymore about how he feels, more like he can't be bothered.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

If OW hasn't given him the push, then he is probably sensing you managing to detach from him and thinks it prudent to reel you back in and keep you onside as a backup.

You are no-one's backup, right ?

[Opentooffers]

Sounds like the OW has seen a side to him she does not like and given him the heave-ho. This is his fear of ending up with no one - which is exactly how he should end up given what he has put you through. Stay strong, you deserve to be nobody's 2nd best, least of all his x

[MadAboutHotChoc]

This often happens - its part of the script.

The lack of apology shows that he does not give a shit about what he put you through. It sounds like he is all me me me. As you say, he is not saying it to your face so it means nothing and he is not prepared to change or show that he is really committed to saving his marriage.

[angelpinkcar]

Quick update, its starting, the will you take me back, received an email today the I love you and miss you don't want to throw away our marriage etc etc. No apology for being a shit husband for the past 2 years, can't understand why its taken him 3 weeks to say anything and on an email can't even say it to my face. What do you think? Is this what happens usually? Does it mean the OW has given him the heave ho, or he has got cold feet. I was the one that told him to leave though. For my own sanity and happiness.

[SleeveOfWizard]

Glad to hear you sounding so positive OP. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that.

[angelpinkcar]

Thank you Doha, DD in my bed tonight as she was feeling a bit upset earlie so will go and give her a cuddle. Yes tomorrow is another day and wonder what it will bring, night to you and you too have a good nights sleep.

[Doha]

Night angel. try and get a good sleep tonight

Tomorrow is another day x

[angelpinkcar]

Soz Vocal, have a dyslexic keyboard tonight or too much red vino hahaha