Evidence/snooping

[angelpinkcar]

Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.

[fiventhree]

another thing you could do Angel, whilst you are waiting, is start reading.

eg that book on boundaries or the Frank Pittman book on infidelity and types of men.

Whether he is or not, I wish that when I had been in your situation that I had spent time on this sort of thing, as it would have helped me to see what I needed to see alot earlier. And I dont just mean any infidelity, which is only a symptom anyway, of stuff you already 'know', but dont have in any kind of context.

From there you can look at reading to help see who you are more clearly.

That's the pattern I followed anyway, but only after the infidelity was revealed and which, as you know, took years to reveal.

I dont know why I felt I needed to do it in the order I did- ie uncover the infidelity, look for reasons in him, then reasons in me for toleration. On the face of it, it doesnt make sense, and I spent far too much time on step 1.

On the other hand, it is a well trodden path, and I think there must be a reason for that. I suspect that what it is , is that unless we can confirm that suspicion, we cant get away from the secret feeling that perhaps we are half or more than half of the problem, as they may well tell us. And maybe we are too worn down. I dont know.

Interesting though. Of course, my own thread included comments from heaps of people that knowing wasnt the issue, but I can see the power of it.

[angelpinkcar]

More or less told H I don't want to be with him anymore and if it wasn't for the DC's I would have gone a long time ago and his reply was well there is no point staying together for the DC's. I mentioned all of the stuff that I had become resentful about, the money issues all of the time, constant arguing about money, the no help around the house, never getting a lie in. Had hardly any reaction apart from him sulking and not talking to me and trying to help out. Too little too late I am afraid. Its all being turned around to me being at fault as I predicted it would. Feel as if in limbo and not sure where to go from here now. If I uproot DC's from new school and their home it will make things even worse, anyone done tis recently how did you get on???

[ickywickyyicky]

Thing is having the passwords and keeping all the phone logs and history doesn't actually work - because they delete the individual items and then say - of course I'm not in contact with her - you can see there aren't any messages or anything on the phone logs. I caught him the first time on a new phone when he didn't realise there was a screen that kept logs of in and outgoing messages. Not what was sent, just the fact there was a message. Then he set up another facebook account and deleted that from the history, and operated the existing facebook account as normal.

I am considering one of the parenting control software things that monitor keystrokes. Just wish that there was an equivalent for a Sumsung Galaxy .....

[melbie]

I was about to say something and then saw your last post and see you have got there already! In some ways finding evidence of an affair would be useful in some ways in reassuring yourself that you are right but it does not sound like it will alter the course of events in a way.

You sound very unhappy in your marriage as it is. I guess you have 3 options. Work on things- relate etc together and decide to make it work (although neither of you sound keen on that), stay together with no change and be miserable (does not sound like a good option for you OR the children) or make the break and get it over and done with in as clean a manner as you can. I imagine it will all come out in the wash and you will find out the truth eventually. Spend your time and energy on thinking about how you want your life to look in a few years. There is a whole world of happiness out there and you deserve some of it!

[angelpinkcar]

I feel all sorts of emotions at the moment. I am imagining it and soon i will all go away (denial) Counting down the hours until he goes back to London and I am on my own again (used to hate it but now its better than being together) and feeling really guilty for wanting to change everything and turn the DC's world upside down. Afraid that if I do it things will be worse than they were I will be worse off financially and will have to go back to a job I really don't like full time. Anyway my lie ins have ceased again and up with the DC's while H is lieing in bed snooring is head off.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

I am considering one of the parenting control software things that monitor keystrokes. Just wish that there was an equivalent for a Sumsung Galaxy ..... ..... google mobistealth .. not personally used but told its pretty good

[angelpinkcar]

DH back this weekend, been playing the dad of the year competition with the DC's is this normal behaviour. I was going to see if he had changed at all since our last chat, he was ok up until the point I said that there was no money left in my account. He then started going on about money an argument ensued where I calmly said well you know what to do if you don't like it. He usually sits on the computer from morning till night when he is home but all of a sudden has turned over a new leaf with the DC's not with me. I am afraid a bit too little too late as I have given him so many chances over the years and now have had enough. I think the time has come to sort this sham of a marriage out wish me luck, I feel strong enough now to go it alone........

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Good luck ... and i mean that sweetie ... xx

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Good luck from here too x

[MushroomSoup]

Just read this through. Good luck.
Go and get fabulous again!

[angelpinkcar]

Thank you all. May not be on for a while. I will be fabulous again soon just need to go and get my job back, move house change the kids schools see if I can get them back in their old one and move on, what a bloody waste of time and money this year has been but it has taught me many many lessons and shown me the light re my marriage. They say everything happens for a reason xxxxxxxx

[Doha]

Goodluck Angel. come back when you can and let us know how yoy are

[angelpinkcar]

Did it told him, he knew anyway that I wasn't happy, feel so sad today and can't stop crying, he didn't put up much of a fight to save our marriage. Thats what confirms it to me in my heart that there is someone else. We are quite agreeable at the moment and will try to keep it that way for as long as I can. I wanted this but feel so sorry for myself and the DC's when we tell them. I hope I can cope with everything thats going to come and will have to go back to everything that I thought I had left behind. I usually live by the moto go forward not back but not this time. Goodnight a very very sad angel, with very very droopy wings

[Doha]

oh angel give it a bit of time and these wings will be in their full glory again.
Tonight you have set yourself free, and are free to spread these now droopy wings and do things and go placed that you want to go to without the millstone of your H on your back.

Tomorrow is the start of the rest/best of your life.

[angelpinkcar]

I really really hope so, its what I wanted and didn't want to happen. Sounds confusing I wanted an end to the torture but wanted it to work but enough is enough, I have finally woken up and smelt the coffee and been brave and done something about it I just hope it is the right thing. In my heart I feel it is, as it won't get any better, maybe for a little while. H came out with it would have probably happened if we had stayed where we were anyway. Thanks!!!! Tosser.

[Doha]

Angel sometimes we do things that don't work out and going back is the best thing to do.
Don't look on going back to what you left behind as a failure, look on it as a postive step, you tried something different, it didnt work so you are going back to something/somewhere that will work for you and your DC's.

You gave your marriage your best shot-your DH didn't. You did not fail-he did.
Go back with your head held high MN are right behind you all the way

[janelikesjam]

A sad angel with droopy wings but angels sometimes feel sad .

Waking up and smelling the coffee, well the upside is now you can enjoy it and drink it too, even if slightly bitter-sweet.

And a little defiance - Tosser. - is always a good thing in my book anyway, keeps a sense of perspective.

Good luck.

[angelpinkcar]

Thank you. It has made me cry again your comments but I also feel a bit better for reading them. I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes and start again. x

[angelpinkcar]

Hi there, update, STBXH is moving out next few days. He wants a divorce now, has half heartily asked if he can move with me and the kids but no apologies no wanting a second chance, no being upset said he thought it would happen at some point. So his lack of reaction to me says it all. He has told his parents which not happy about as haven't even told mine or my family. He said they could tell from his very sad face. My arse. He needs somewhere to stay. What do you think re lack of reaction he seems upset but nothing else is this normal???

[angelpinkcar]

I am really scared going it alone now but have been on my own for most of my marriage with the DC's so should be used to it, but knew STBX was coming back at some point .

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

I know you have that sicky feeling like 'he's really gone' 'he didn't fight for us'

I have experienced those like your tummy being squashed :(

Just remember the times when it was so relaxed and quiet hand happy without him there, you can have that but full time. Hold your head up high, be proud to have seen the back of him, grieve if you need to, divorce is like bereavement really, loss of what you had, what might have been ect..

But he is unworthy of you and your tears.
Get the CD player on and play stuff that makes you feel upbeat, crack on with stuff to keep your mind busy and off him.

There is someone out there looking for a lady like you and when he finds you, you'll be treated how you deserve, he won't even think about risking losing you by cheating or otherwise being a badboy.

((hugs)) you can do this xx

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

And he is upset because you have taken control and booted his sorry ass out.

The upset and telling you about it is a form of control.

He doesn't even know how to fight for you!
And i can't believe he is asking to move with you after everything he has done, he wants to use you for somewhere to live until what? He finds his own place? Well he needs to move back in with mum and dad then!

He's hoping that moving with you he can prove himself helpful and show you the man he used to be so you fall for him again and decide to let him stay. So rather than fight and grab you telling you he loves the bones of you and will never do anything to hurt you again, he wants to follow you to wherever you go, and wait for you to soften towards him because he's part of the furniture.

What a dick. I hope you tell him to kiss your arse if he thinks he's moving with you and ruining your potential new beginning!

[Doha]

yes he is upset because he has lost control over you and the situation. He was having his cake and eating it-you were siting patiently at home while he was living the single life elsewhere.
You had your wake up call before he was ready to chose.
You are strong, much stronger than him.
You now have a future and a chance to be happy as a single parent away from all the stress.
He was the albatross around your neck stopping you. Now as a phoenix you have risen from the ashes of your relationship and are reborn into a future full of promise.
Good luck--when you moving?

[Doha]

Just wondering what he has told his parents tho!!!
Guess it will be a ar flung version of the truth

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Oh i bet he totally rewrote history!

Scabby monkey.

I hope he realises what he's lost through his fuckwittery.