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Original poster

On how to deal with the one-sided loss of sexual attraction in a marriage

82 replies

concernedcitizen · 20/08/2012 23:40

Surely this is something that most couples will have to deal with in their marriage at some point and it isn't a question of if, but rather when, for 95% of the population any way (depressing, I know).

What seems a little odd to me is that when people find themselves in this situation, many of them seem to be surprised. But is it not crazy to assume that not only will you personally remain sexually attractive into your old age but that your partner will do too. Or that you'll still feel passionate into your 70s/80s/90s? Or that your attraction will wane in tandem?

Some people seem to see this as being legitimate grounds to divorce their spouse (and this is arguably legitimate - I have read threads of people having to go off and cry after sex with their spouse and surely this can't be great for anyone's mental health). Should we all be changing our vows from "until death do us part" to "until I no longer want to have sex with you?"

If we want to maintain the marriage, how do we deal with this situation, whatever side of it we find ourselves on if all attempts to restore passion have failed? Should you tolerate your spouse having an affair, if they can no longer bring themselves to sleep with you, if it would save the marriage? If you can no longer bring yourself to sleep with your spouse but are nevertheless committed to your marriage vows, do you just have to accept that you will never feel the joy of a sexual relationship ever again?

Do couples ever discuss how they will handle this scenario if or when it occurs?

A little about my personal circumstances: I am currently single but putting serious effort into finding a man to settle down with and have kids with. I would love for my kids to have a two parent family (but know I will never have total control over this). I am not naturally especially pretty, and am fairly certain that I cannot maintain attractiveness forever. Will my husband leave me when this happens? Can I stick out a sexless marriage whether it's sexless out of my choice or out of his? If I leave, will I just find myself in the same situation eventually any way?

Any insights?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/08/2012 23:55

I reckon you are overthinking this

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 20/08/2012 23:57

Really? Surely it will probably happen to most of us at some point?

OP posts:
graciew · 20/08/2012 23:58

'am fairly certain that I cannot maintain attractiveness forever'

Why? Does attractiveness end at a certain age?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:02

why would you be contemplating the end of a relationship you don't even have ? Confused

and what do you mean by "putting serious effort" into finding a man ?

are you pinning every potential suitor down and demanding answers to the questions you are posing here ?

how about just going with the flow ?

it works for lots of other people

relationships break down for lots of reasons, all the time...it doesn't mean we should be second-guessing the end of them before we even start one

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:03

Some people are lucky in that ageing doesn't wipe out their attractiveness. It might dim it a bit but you do get attractive old people. But not everyone is so lucky.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:05

if somebody becomes ill, or disabled, can they still remain "attractive" do you think ?

likeatonneofbricks · 21/08/2012 00:07

I don't want to be flippant, but..if you insecure about looks, go for a man who's less of a looker than you and hasn't got a huge ego that he'll need to boost when midlife crisis strikes!

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:07

I don't interrogate anyone, I am on dating sites and just concentrate on going with the flow and seeing if we get on and if the person seems like a good person. But I do usually try to suss out whether someone sees marriage as a commitment, or whether they think a marriage ends when attraction ends. I want a 2 parent family for my future kids if at all possible. I'm not wealthy enough for a lot of botox so this seems like something to be aware of.

OP posts:
graciew · 21/08/2012 00:08

'Should we all be changing our vows from "until death do us part" to "until I no longer want to have sex with you?"'

Does that include if your OH is vomiting? If you've just had a baby? If you've really annoyed each other?

What a bizarre original post...

wednesdaygirl · 21/08/2012 00:09

I guess the answer is you cant plan your life
Go with the flow Smile

AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:10

I'd like to see your dating profile

I could do with a laugh this evening

< no really, I don't want to see it, I was just joking >

CointreauVersial · 21/08/2012 00:10

Why would you leave your long-term partner because they don't want to sleep with you any more? Marriages (well, mine at least) are so much more than a sexual arrangement. There are far more important factors, and it's rarely as black-and-white as the situation you're describing.

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:12

I don't think I'm insecure about my looks. Just realistic. And yes, the question of illness and disability is an interesting one. I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder but noone can guarantee how attraction works in their partners eyes. You can, however, get a bit of a perspective on their values and principles. I have no relatives other than my parents so I know that if my partner were to ever leave me, decades from now I would be completely alone (I have friends but it's not quite the same).

Apparently female cancer sufferers are far more likely to be left by their partners than male cancer sufferers. I suppose I am sometimes thinking in my head when I'm with someone (would you look after me if I had acid thrown in my face or would you move on, even if we had kids?). Don't like this fact.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:16

I am not quite sure whether you are displaying a very poor opinion of men, a very poor opinion of women, a very poor opinion of yourself, or a very poor opinion of everyone in the world

have you any idea which it is ?

help us out a bit here

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:21

"Does that include if your OH is vomiting? If you've just had a baby? If you've really annoyed each other?

What a bizarre original post..."

I'm not suggesting this is a good idea - but it is how many people these days seem to see marriage. There are threads where the sex has gone and lots of people are telling the OP to divorce. Sad. And I bet many men do walk out because their partner's body changes after pregnancy. You read so much about the cruel things people get told by their partners.

I've actually been told by many people that my dating profile is the best they've ever seen :-) I don't hit them with my morosity upfront! And despite my fairly average looks I have not been short of dates.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 21/08/2012 00:25

surely it's just the question of whether your man is shallow or not? it's not hard to suss out during the dating process/listening to his views..

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:25

AnyFucker: I think I am actually just quite realistic. I think a huge proportion of the population is selfish and cruel (but definitely not everyone). And another huge proportion is neither but still puts their own happiness above a commitment such as marriage (undecided what I think about this - think you have to judge on a case by case basis). I want to be a good person, but I also want to be happy. I'm just trying to figure out how to give myself the best possible chance of achieving both of those things. But seriously, does noone else worry about this?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:25

Don't take what you read on Mumsnet (and similar places) as the way things always need to be

You read about the worse case scenarios on here

People don't tend to post about their happy, stable lives. It seems a bit insensitive to do so for a start, when all around is misery. But there are a lot of people taking whatever life throws at them together. And it's got fuck-all to do with looks, only a small part to do with sex, and a shedload to do with maturity

How old are you, OP ?

likeatonneofbricks · 21/08/2012 00:25

Lack os sex in marriage can be a deal breaker for many, but lack of sex purely based on looks deteriorating shows a shallow attitude.

joanofarchitrave · 21/08/2012 00:28

The threads 'where the sex has gone' are frequently those where the people involved have not had sex for YEARS and one partner is not making any further effort to alter this position, and the other is deeply unhappy about it. So yes, it's sad, but not IMO evidence of a superficial attitude to relationships - usually rather the reverse.

No I don't think the terms of marriage itself should be altered, but I think it shows that most long-term relationships need starting again from scratch several times over, and that sometimes they will not be able to be started up again.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:29

No, I don't worry about it much

I'm a bit too busy getting on with my life, to give it all that much headspace, tbh

I think if my H is going to leave me for his 22yo secretary, there isn't much I can do to stop it. If he tires of my post 2 babies and 17 years of marriage body, there's not a lot I should take responsibilty for there

So, I keep on keeping on and let him worry about himself, while I sort myself out

Original poster
concernedcitizen · 21/08/2012 00:31

likeatonneofbrick - I used to think that. And then I discovered mumsnet! These men that are the (near) perfect husband for x years and then one day up and leave freak me out! I'm not implying that this always or even usually has anything to do with attraction but in some cases it sounds like it has been a factor. I want to know if some people are just really bad judges of character (in terms of shallowness) or if these people are genuinely indistinguishable from the good among us. But maybe that's for another post.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 00:32

It's not aging that kills people's sex lives. Most of the marriages which dwindle into sexlessness and bitterness do so because of a range of problems: general selfishness on the part of one partner, incompatibility, a relationship that wasn't much cop to start with but neither partner wanted to remain single... I wonder if you are fairly young and can't get your head round older people having sex.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:32

what do you mean "some people are bad judges of character" ?

I think you mean "some people are of poor character" don't you ?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2012 00:35

Op is dispaying some quite startling ageism and sexism here, I suspect there would be disablism on closer examination too Hmm

no answer to my query as to the age of OP yet though

I am putting it down to the callowness of youth at the moment

if Op comes back to say "I'm 38" or something, there might be a problem Smile