On how to deal with the one-sided loss of sexual attraction in a marriage

[concernedcitizen]

Surely this is something that most couples will have to deal with in their marriage at some point and it isn't a question of if, but rather when, for 95% of the population any way (depressing, I know).

What seems a little odd to me is that when people find themselves in this situation, many of them seem to be surprised. But is it not crazy to assume that not only will you personally remain sexually attractive into your old age but that your partner will do too. Or that you'll still feel passionate into your 70s/80s/90s? Or that your attraction will wane in tandem?

Some people seem to see this as being legitimate grounds to divorce their spouse (and this is arguably legitimate - I have read threads of people having to go off and cry after sex with their spouse and surely this can't be great for anyone's mental health). Should we all be changing our vows from "until death do us part" to "until I no longer want to have sex with you?"

If we want to maintain the marriage, how do we deal with this situation, whatever side of it we find ourselves on if all attempts to restore passion have failed? Should you tolerate your spouse having an affair, if they can no longer bring themselves to sleep with you, if it would save the marriage? If you can no longer bring yourself to sleep with your spouse but are nevertheless committed to your marriage vows, do you just have to accept that you will never feel the joy of a sexual relationship ever again?

Do couples ever discuss how they will handle this scenario if or when it occurs?

A little about my personal circumstances: I am currently single but putting serious effort into finding a man to settle down with and have kids with. I would love for my kids to have a two parent family (but know I will never have total control over this). I am not naturally especially pretty, and am fairly certain that I cannot maintain attractiveness forever. Will my husband leave me when this happens? Can I stick out a sexless marriage whether it's sexless out of my choice or out of his? If I leave, will I just find myself in the same situation eventually any way?

Any insights?

I am planning on blinding my DP with a fondue fork when I start to get minging.

Actually, I'm not.

In all seriousness, what is this about?
I have been in a relationship where I had so little self-confidence that I applied make-up before he awoke.
However, the first night that my DP stayed, I washed off my make-up and didn't give it a second thought.

I think this is pertinent because you may be having some sort of 'crisis of confidence'. I know I have felt like that in the past.

Love is about so much more than that, really.

Op, i think lots of these stories on MN aer about early marriages, when the couple weren't mature enough (well, the man wasn't in tese cases) and I think it's VERY important to base marriage on both partners being mature and knowing what they want. Don't go for youngsters as they are most ofthe time base commitment on sexual attraction. But of course it's assessing on individual basis that's most relevant, there aer shallow older men but it's much more obvious with them! I don't think most people can act so well as to hide their true values and history. You have to listen a lot to what they say spontaneously, bu talso ask subtle questions.
The other thing is, attarction sometimes disappears NOT for the reasons of looks fading, it's an easy excuse, more often (if people aer decent) it's deeper issures like lack of communication/understanding/growing apart in interests, so yo have to be good at spotting all that at an early stage in marriage.
I agree that MN stories can make anyone quite cynical! but there are thread about the good dp's/marriages to be fair.

I work with older people at the mo and tbh older bodies are quite nice IMO. More texture than a younger person. I quite like roaming over dh's body and seeing what's changed, remembering what certain bits used to look like etc. Intimacy, innit.

Becka, that is an ace plan

< goes off to scrabble in little-used kitchen implements drawer >

< flings the fish knives and cake-making stuff out the way >

Hmm, yes I get that lack of sex can be a symptom of many other problems. But I feel the looks thing is the one I have least control over. I am 30 by the way. Consider myself to be fairly mature but maybe I'm seriously misguided in this opinion!

I'm generally quite good at picking men and have had mostly happy relationships (after one disastrous and abusive one very early on) but I know that noone has full control over who they feel attracted to. No matter how nice a person they are and how good a marriage you have, if the switch in their head goes off, that might be the end of your life together :-(

I should maybe add that I am premenstrual and am accustomed to a day of misery and morosity which will be followed tomorrow without fail, by a day of physical pain but a lightening in mood! I shall probably be quite bemused when I log on and see what a strange thread the premenstrual me has posted (sorry for TMI!)

How old are you op? Wow. The fact that u actually posted this has depressed me a little. Surely bit of optimistic will go a long way......The only way is not Essex iyswim.

basing commitment

you do seem to have a rather negative outlook

let's hope it is hormone-induced

good night

you sound a bit like my neice

she is 20

just sayin'

she buys into the looks thing.... I reckon she will grow out of that in a few years though

but then, she is gorgeous, so she has more to "lose" (from her POV)

I am kinda average-looking, although I can say without irony that I actually look better now than I did in my youth in the 1980's

but that is more to do with the hairstyles/fashion of the day

what is much more enduring though...is charm, confidence, wit and insight

it will take you far, much further than looks and superficial whatnot

AnyFucker: Ageism and sexism?? How so? I see the world for what it is, and it's quite a nasty place for many people. I know that marriage is about way more than looks but looks are one of the characteristics/qualities/attributes (not really the right word) that fades with time, so they are what I'm worrying about tonight. I think I am kind and decent and genuine, but I know that getting older will hopefully have a fairly limited effect on these things.

Some of you have cheered me up actually, and given me a good and much needed laugh! I'm fairly new to mumsnet though so have yet to master smily faces etc and scored out writing (I also have a new computer and can't find the right keys!).

Have to go to bed soon but thank you all for your insights and your funny comments so far! I shall look forward to checking back in tomorrow!

ah ok, I'm the same when pmt is on (very morose, followed by a headache and then all good next day.
I think it's your age - when a woman hits 30 she starts worrying about her looks changing, I was the same, it's amazing how actually you get more secure the older you get! I'm now 40ish and still a bit sad about losing the skin tone a bit, but I'm much more happy/confident with whoever I am (the imperfect me) and hoe i look like - sometimes i genuinely don't even think how I'm looking, the personality cab draw people no less than looks if you generally look after yourself a bit. Some men DO go for youth, not so much looks, and they can never live with an older woman whatever their own age (hence old bachelors i suppose) but it's easy to weed those out by getting to know them. But no, you can't guarantee anything in life, just try to chose someone with a heart, and to find mutual love (I' know it's not easy).

sorry.....posted just seconds after you stated your age. But trust me you won't even need botox if you choose a "real" man. You are "you", not an accessory. Good luck with your dates.

You aren't factoring in the fact that sensible mature men realise that they aren't too buff themselves past a certain age, and actually value your shared experiences and life you've created together. So as long as you pick a man of substance, none of that stuff matters much.

OP some of the stuff youve written in your original post sounds like a Grazia article. Sorry.

Sexual attraction is about more than looks.
Also, I'm so used to having sex with my h that my sexual response to him is almost Pavlovian (not great since we are splitting up!) a hug, a sniff, a look, will set it off and I'm pretty sure the only thing that will change that is time and space. I'm sure if he got fat or lost a limb I'd still respond in the same way. It's a combination of habit and sexual but nowhere else compatibility.

I don't get the impression the OP is purely worrying about losing her own looks and I'm puzzled as to why there is so much focus on the two sentences where she mentioned her looks. Her post is mainly about either party losing their desire for the other and what should/can happen next.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask what people think would/should hypothetically happen in that scenario. It may well be that there's no better answer than "cross that bridge if/when you come to it" but it's still a reasonable question.

I agree with solidgoldbrass. In a long-term relationship, anger and resentment festers away and for many people (me!) the loving feelings go. How can you physically express love and affection when you don't feel those feelings any more?

I appreciate that if a woman in her younger days is 'pretty' and surrounded by people who encourage her to value this as her greatest achievement, aging is going to be very upsetting for her, because prettiness in our culture is dependent on being young, and after a while there will be younger, equally pretty women in her environment.

Wait until you meet someone and establish a relationship before you start worrying about the what ifs. And maybe drop the over analysis or you may find no one wants to be involved with someone who thinks that what you describe is inevitable. Attraction isn't age related. My dp is 51 we have been together 21 years and plenty has changed but attraction is not one of them.

As predicted, I have woken up today feeling much sunnier and, having reread my question, am more than a little bemused. Although while I'm not feeling the sense of impending doom today, I have to admit it is still something I'm vaguely concerned about, although this worry usually sits quietly at the back of my mind and doesn't consume me entirely (until I'm premenstrual again).

It is encouraging that so many people still have mutual attraction several decades down the line, but there are still marriages that break up because one person no longer feels attracted to the other. Which seems very sad. I spent a few hours reading some stories of people stuck in sexless marriages on the experience project website and I think this freaked me out a bit too (I need to stop torturing myself - why is it when I'm feeling down I seek out such depressing reading?!) and they can't help but frighten you a bit!

I do also agree that on the relationships thread you do get a lot of condensed misery, which isn't representative of the population as a whole but reading peoples stories can become quite engrossing (and some people are truly inspirational in how they deal with the shit that comes their way, giving me hope for the future!). Think I need to stay away from mumsnet relationships if I'm not in a happy mood!

The person who thought these worries may be age related, this is quite possibly true. I'm starting to get wrinkles, and while they're not that noticeable yet, it does make you start wondering how your looks will change.

I haven't got the taut, lithe size 10 body I had when I was 17, neither has DH, 30 years down the line we still fancy each other madly, I have stretch marks and my boobs aren't as firm as they used to be and I have a skin graft on my face - when you adore each other , none of that matters. My husband said recently that he sees both the woman I am now and the young girl I once was, when he looks at me.

It's very sad that you're thinking this way at only 30 years old, I know plenty of much older couples who obviously still adore each other.

I agree malifience I have had lots of surgeries over the years and steroids played havoc with my body in many ways and we are still here and love each other more if anything. We just spent a few days in oxford in a lovely hotel and it was 21 yrs on from our first weekend there and oxford had changed more than us

I'm ugly as sin (and nice and fat ), my bf is ridiculously good looking and he follows me around like a lovesick puppy with this arms spread wide to touch me (but not in a weird, uncool, worrisome way, honest ).

If he leaves me because his switch flicks then that's one thing but if he starts with the "You could do with losing a bit of weight" thing then that's quite another. I fell out of love with my ex when he put that particular bunting out.

Essentially, op, you can't future-proof your marriage because you never know what life will throw at you.

I never thought my DH was the shallow sort, I'd never had married him otherwise, but it turns out he can't stomach my post-natal shape.

You just have to take a deep breath and jump in sometimes.