On how to deal with the one-sided loss of sexual attraction in a marriage

[concernedcitizen]

Surely this is something that most couples will have to deal with in their marriage at some point and it isn't a question of if, but rather when, for 95% of the population any way (depressing, I know).

What seems a little odd to me is that when people find themselves in this situation, many of them seem to be surprised. But is it not crazy to assume that not only will you personally remain sexually attractive into your old age but that your partner will do too. Or that you'll still feel passionate into your 70s/80s/90s? Or that your attraction will wane in tandem?

Some people seem to see this as being legitimate grounds to divorce their spouse (and this is arguably legitimate - I have read threads of people having to go off and cry after sex with their spouse and surely this can't be great for anyone's mental health). Should we all be changing our vows from "until death do us part" to "until I no longer want to have sex with you?"

If we want to maintain the marriage, how do we deal with this situation, whatever side of it we find ourselves on if all attempts to restore passion have failed? Should you tolerate your spouse having an affair, if they can no longer bring themselves to sleep with you, if it would save the marriage? If you can no longer bring yourself to sleep with your spouse but are nevertheless committed to your marriage vows, do you just have to accept that you will never feel the joy of a sexual relationship ever again?

Do couples ever discuss how they will handle this scenario if or when it occurs?

A little about my personal circumstances: I am currently single but putting serious effort into finding a man to settle down with and have kids with. I would love for my kids to have a two parent family (but know I will never have total control over this). I am not naturally especially pretty, and am fairly certain that I cannot maintain attractiveness forever. Will my husband leave me when this happens? Can I stick out a sexless marriage whether it's sexless out of my choice or out of his? If I leave, will I just find myself in the same situation eventually any way?

Any insights?

I see where you are coming from.

If you can no longer bring yourself to sleep with your spouse but are nevertheless committed to your marriage vows, do you just have to accept that you will never feel the joy of a sexual relationship ever again?

If this was to happen in my marriage i will suggest an open relationship- i think it is unfair to stop my husband from sleeping with someone else when I wouldnt want to sleep with him- same, if he didnt want me, then he cant blame me for wanting to seek out someoen who does.

if we dont find each other attractive- then its time to move on.

And for people here who think they will still get butterflies, get all gooey when they see their spouse after 15 years of marriage are living on the moon. sexual attractive wears off, after a while it will be happiness and companionship which keeps u together

Sexual attraction does not wear off well it hasn't here 21 plus years.

Oh, and thanks Madbuslady, I am kind of hypothesising about what should be done in cases where this does occur. I am aware that plenty of people do still have sexual feelings for each other well into old age but I do wonder how best to deal with it when one does and the other doesn't (and it isn't the result of resentment or unhappiness - things are otherwise good).

Should the rejected person allow the other to seek sex outside the marriage? Should they leave and break up an otherwise happy family? Accept a celibate marriage? Should the person that no longer feels attracted to the other have a discreet affair, force themselves to have sex with their partner or enforce celibacy on the relationship? Should they leave? I just have no idea what I'd do in the situation. It's hard to live without sex if you want sex. Even harder if you think you may never have sex again. And not pleasant to keep rejecting someone who you care about but can't bear to have touching you.

I don't have any issue with old/older people (or disabled people or anyone who isn't young and able bodied/heterosexual) having sex. I don't think there's anything unpleasant about it at all- if both enjoy it and there's mutual attraction, it's a wonderful and glorious thing! But some people do find older bodies less attractive and while it's easy to call them shallow, it's hard to know if they can really control this feeling. Or if they would even know they felt like this until you were both in your 60s and your partner decided he couldn't live with it any more. Sexual desire just isn't something many of us can control. How should we deal with this in those instances in which it does happen?

And I thought I'd cheered up today! To be fair I feel I'm seeing the question in more of an academic light today. Last night it felt a good deal more personal and worrying and I felt a sense of impending doom, but then hormones turn me into a miserable bitch do funny things to the mind.

You are sounding more and more like you are researching for some kind of written piece of work.

Got it AF

Not researching! Was a bit bemused by the Grazia remark too, although as I don't read Grazia I'm not sure I fully understand it (have read it occasionally though in doctors waiting rooms etc). Surely it's not as paranoid and miserable as me with PMT?!

You can't enforce celibacy in any realistic sense.
You can stop having sex with your partner, and accept the consequences.

Likely, they'll be unhappy, and either end the marriage, have affairs or have a miserable life.

I still feel a strong sexual attraction to my DW, and 15 years have changed both our body shapes. Sometimes we don't both want sex at the same time, and there are ways of ensuring your partner can share their pleasure with you/desire for you. You do sound rather young... perhaps DW wouldn't have got my eye when I was 18; now, I can imagine little more awful than sharing a bed with an 18 year old...

You're only 30?

Jeez...there is so much more to life than worrying about this stuff.

concerned NO ONE has the right to enforce celibacy in a relationship and then tell their partner that they can never have any intimacy,affection or sex in their lives ever again. THAT IS ABUSE.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1286778-Do-partners-who-dont-want-sex-have-the-right-to-object-to-their-partners-having-sex-elsewhere?pg=1

concerned the thread ive linked above is one that i contributed to last year. Ive linked it because it saves me typing my situ out again and there are many other helpful and interesting contributions on that thread.

concerned in many cases some people are asexual but they still want the companionship and image and status of marriage. So they enter a relationship not being completely honest with their partner.
It is the same as a gay man marrying a woman without her knowing he is gay.
Because in BOTH cases it is NOT the wife that they want.
The reason a lot of people and society seem to have trouble with this view is because people are not ready to accept the fact that asexuality IS a sexuality especially when it comes to a male asexual.
After all we are brought up to believe the stereotype of the rampant male who will stick it in anything.
But asexuality IS a sexuality just like homosexuality bisexuality and heterosexuality.

what was your question again

When I said "enforce celibacy" I just mean refuse to have sex with your partner. Not tell him he can't ever have sex with anyone else (although I don't have time to read your thread atm, will get back to it later on though).

I am well aware that stopping sex is going to be hugely damaging for the partner if they still want you sexually but when you read about people having sex with their spouse then having to go and cry in the bathroom for half an hour afterwards, you can see why it comes to this for some couples. Sexual attraction is complicated and also largely out of our control, so what is to be done? I don't have the answers.

I think you're right in that some people are asexual. It must be awful to find yourself in a marriage with one, but then what were their options if they wanted kids or a life partner? I think there might be websites for these people now, but even 10 or 20 years ago, these people would have had very little chacne of finding an arrangement with a like minded partner.

UterusUterusGhali, you have my sympathy. That must be hard, but can I ask how you're dealing with this? Would you prefer to stay together given the situation or would you prefer to split up? Do you think the situation might change?

some people are asexual. It must be awful to find yourself in a marriage with one, but then what were their options if they wanted kids or a life partner?

Perhaps they should be a little less I I I me me me! Nobody has the right to do that to someone else whatever their own sexuality might be.
What were there options if they wanted kids or a life partner (or a domestic servant or income generator?!)
No one has the right to USE someone else in this manner. NO ONE!

Cater, have your circs changed since last year? How are you doing. I remember that thread.

Op, I took a lot from the above linked thread. DH and are seeking counselling. I'm not prepared to stay in a sexless marriage tbh.
The situation might very well change when the dc are at school etc, but I can't get over some of the heartbreaking things DH has said.

Im sorry to hear what you are going through Uterus. Ive managed to lose a stone and a half since that thread last summer which has made me feel a bit more confident. Other than a mild flirtation with a young man who is much too young for me things are still the same really.
DH did say to me a couple of years ago to "do what i need to do but be discreet about it"
Its taken years to get to this point though and my earlier posts on this thread reflect what i had to go through first.
There are many women in this situation though who are going through this and their partners are pulling the "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you crap" which is abusive. I also have a strict Catholic mother who has been abusive to me about this situation. Basically women in this situation should keep their legs closed and their mouth shut and have no right to sexual pleasure or love or respect or intimacy.
Sorry that im feeling a bit ranty about this today.

What things has your DH been saying to you Uterus. You are welcome to pm me if you want or need to. Only if you want. No pressure x

FFS.

OP please say you are a journalist. Your OP is so far off the mark I would not know where to begin.

Old (like, you know over 50 because we all know it stops at 60) people have loving, intimate sex or simply a good fuck
Women with 12 pregnancies ditto
Women who have had cancer ditto
I am 2 out of 3 and I have sex

Heleninahandcart, I don't think you've understood my post at all. I am absolutely not saying that older people or people with disabilities or illnesses, or people who have had many children are unattractive and don't ever have sex. I am saying that all of these things have the potential to make a person less attractive or unattractive in the eyes of their own partner (read some of the sexless marriages posts here or on the experience project website - this happens). I'm not saying this is how I think the world should be, just how it seems to be from a lot of reading I've done of other peoples life experiences (and direct knowledge of some people's RL marriages).

And just because people are having great sex at 50 or 60 doesn't mean they will be at 90. Some will, many won't.

To further clarify, I'm saying:

1. Sometimes marriages become sexless due to a one-sided loss of attraction in spite of the marriage being otherwise healthy.

2. Some people seem to see this as a reason to divorce.

3. I don't know what I'd do if I were to find myself on either side of the problem and I'm interested to know if anyone else has thought about this before actually finding themselves there.

And I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a journalist.

carernotasaint: Just read your posts on the other thread - your situation sounds heart breaking and you have my immense sympathy. I truly hope you can find happiness and affection/intimacy.

I did wonder, however, if your H had maybe initially felt that you agreed to this kind of marriage by the fact that the relationship was sexless for a while before either of you "committed"? Could the fact that you didn't end it have led him to think that you were prepared to compromise and accept this even if it wasn't your ideal set up? He maybe felt he was being upfront and honest and had finally found someone he could be happy with, not realising you weren't on the same page as him?

Obviously, given you have made it clear at a later point that this is not ok and have requested counselling he now knows otherwise but he may feel he didn't trick you into the marriage and therefore hasn't done anything wrong? You say that asexuality is just another form of sexuality and if this is true is it any less legitimate than another form? (I actually think asexuality is a lack of sexuality and therefore arguably not a type of sexuality but this is probably nitpicking).

Please note that most of this post is made up of questions. You don't give your entire story (obviously that would not be possible) and I'm absolutely not making any assumptions as to what did or didn't happen in your life. I'm guessing from your anger that it didn't happen quite like I have hypothesised but from what you've written it's not impossible.

And I agree, it's not ok to prevent your partner from seeking affection and sexual fulfilment elsewhere if you can't provide it yourself, but a partner still has the right to choose not to have sex with someone however hurtful this is to the recipient. I doubt they do it out of malice but obviously find sex or affection deeply distressing for whatever reason to the point that they are just incapable of it. Those of us who haven't felt like this about sex probably cannot hope to ever understand.

These posts have te potential to make you less attractive so you are off to a bad start

You sound like you have no idea about love and the fact that it can keep a marraige strong and beautiful well into old age. My dh's grandparents were a beautiful example of love through the ageing process and they loved and adored each other until
The end. Dh's grandad once said to my dh, 'your grandmother thinks she has a big bum now she is old, but I adore her bum and everything about her. Our love just gets stronger.' now that Is beautiful.

Your way of thinking seems very shallow tbh, and sounds like it comes from someone with no experience of love. I doubt many marraiges break up due to one person tiring of the looks of their spouse, more likely to be a lack of communication, feeling bored and rather trying to fix things they look elsewhere etc - things like that. Give people some credit, we are not all so shallow. In a good marraige, the love grows stronger and a shared history counts for a lot.

< snort > @ noddy