On how to deal with the one-sided loss of sexual attraction in a marriage

[concernedcitizen]

Surely this is something that most couples will have to deal with in their marriage at some point and it isn't a question of if, but rather when, for 95% of the population any way (depressing, I know).

What seems a little odd to me is that when people find themselves in this situation, many of them seem to be surprised. But is it not crazy to assume that not only will you personally remain sexually attractive into your old age but that your partner will do too. Or that you'll still feel passionate into your 70s/80s/90s? Or that your attraction will wane in tandem?

Some people seem to see this as being legitimate grounds to divorce their spouse (and this is arguably legitimate - I have read threads of people having to go off and cry after sex with their spouse and surely this can't be great for anyone's mental health). Should we all be changing our vows from "until death do us part" to "until I no longer want to have sex with you?"

If we want to maintain the marriage, how do we deal with this situation, whatever side of it we find ourselves on if all attempts to restore passion have failed? Should you tolerate your spouse having an affair, if they can no longer bring themselves to sleep with you, if it would save the marriage? If you can no longer bring yourself to sleep with your spouse but are nevertheless committed to your marriage vows, do you just have to accept that you will never feel the joy of a sexual relationship ever again?

Do couples ever discuss how they will handle this scenario if or when it occurs?

A little about my personal circumstances: I am currently single but putting serious effort into finding a man to settle down with and have kids with. I would love for my kids to have a two parent family (but know I will never have total control over this). I am not naturally especially pretty, and am fairly certain that I cannot maintain attractiveness forever. Will my husband leave me when this happens? Can I stick out a sexless marriage whether it's sexless out of my choice or out of his? If I leave, will I just find myself in the same situation eventually any way?

Any insights?

Christ, I really wish I had some useful input on this question now, just to balance out the number of smug, sneery and/or overly PC responses. The OP isn't attacking old people having sex FFS, nor is she saying that sexual attraction NEVER lasts, she's just hypothesising (at some length, but then we all have our crosses to bear) about what people might do if it doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm reading the same posts as everyone else on here.

I dont get why this is inevitable? My parents are still at the get a room stage and have been together over 45 years so far.

I still go gooey/butterflies with dh and we have been together ten years and I have been pregnant 4 times but 2 were miscarriages.If you love each other you wont ever want to stop having sex/being affectionate.

OP rarely is a loss of sexual attraction for one's partner anything to do with that partner becoming intrinsically less attractive, even through any of the examples you have given.

There are exceptions, with issues around sloppy hygiene or a partner neglecting themselves to the extent where they have health issues. I have seen one thread where the DW had lost interest in her DH due to his massive weight gain.

On those threads where the DW has been told the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" it is because the DH has invested his emotions and libido elsewhere shagging OW.

Where the DW is told "you're too fat, too thin (add your own variant) it is often because the DH is abusive and/or justifying himself shagging OW

If you read the threads of those devastated partners who are left, you will find they sometimes blame themselves, assume it must be because they are not attractive 'enough' etc. Once the veil is lifted they realise there is nothing whatsoever wrong with them, the DH walked because he was an arse.

You seem to have projected yourself into this situation in advance of finding a partner. Of course everyone wants to be attracted to feel attractive to their partners. OP rather than focussing on looks, maybe concentrate on the really important enduring qualities you seek and can offer a partner, and those are not your looks. Otherwise you could attract just such an arse yourself.

Everyone goes through phases of being more sexual and times where they don't want sex, that normal in a relationship. I think we all go through phases of thinking other people who arnt our spouse are very sexy and imagine that with them it would be more exciting but that's just because the thrill of liking someone new is very exciting, it eventually fades, but our stupid minds forget this.
Being honest about how your feelings fluctuate can be very helpful as is making effort to keep sex new and exciting.
I dont think that someone would genuinely not want to ever have sex with the person they still love ever again without an underlying reason be that, confidence issues, depression, illness etc. or maybe they have fallen out of love but don't want to change things enough in divorcing or separating, don't rock the boat sort of thing. Cheating will definately not be the answer though.

concerned he was 42 when we met and i was a 19 and hadnt even heard of sexless marriages or relationships. i remember him telling me not long after we started seeing each other that he and his ex wife didnt have sex for a long time while still living together but being only 19 i naively thought that it would be different with me because most young people especially girls are brought up to believe that men are rampant and will stick it in anything. Most daughters are told this stereotype by parents who are scared of the fact that their daughter may come home pregnant. I was only 19 when we met and i remember someone once posting on one of my threads that the reason that an older man sometimes picks a much younger woman is because they are more malleable. I really dont think that society is ready to accept that asexuality is a sexuality especially when it comes to a male strereotype and also demonstrated beautifully and accurately in some of your statements.

concerned i also come from a Catholic environment while growing up which does NOT value women.
If i had said to anyone 16 years ago "he doesnt want to sleep with me anymore" what do you think people would have said? They would have tried to turn the blame back on me.
until you have lived in a sexless marriage in a state of enforced celibacy and been unable to talk to anyone because people are always too ready to blame it on the woman (in society in general not just in Catholicism you cant possibly know what its like to be so oppressed.
I would have got told "why dont you lose some weight" Well i did. I lost ten stone and it made no difference (not at home anyway)

Well well well Looks like it was Woman magazine not Grazia.
Or maybe its just a coincidence? (scroll down article to see cover of mag)

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2193900/Amanda-Redmans-dream-baby-50s-ended-menopause.html