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Original poster

Would you sleep with a married man?

139 replies

MightNeverHappen · 19/08/2012 09:24

Just wondering. I haven't btw. The opportunity has arisen where I have the chance to. He is an old friend, I have never met his wife. They have no kids.

I'm probably not going to do it. It seems a lot to risk for just some sex. All I want is a friends with benefits situation, and I am not interested in a relationship with this man. Just happen to know we have great sex together.

Have you ever slept with a married man?

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 19/08/2012 21:31

This man is a philanderer. This means that he has a deep seated fear and hatred of women, has a lot of emptiness so has to constantly chase the thrill to feel alive and to 'conquer' his fear.

If you think that is fine, to be used by such an inadequate human being, then you need to do some soul-work.

Inadequate people cheat.

Chap, do you ever stop to think about how the wife who 'drove you to it' ever felt? And that child? Did you ever speak up about your misery? Or is life all about you and your need to be happy?
Just wondering.

panicnotanymore · 19/08/2012 21:32

I reckon I hit a nerve, and I meant every word. Stop kidding yourselves - I blame the men, but pandering to their egos.. why??? You hurt another woman, her kids and mess up an entire family. Nice.

I've had married men hit on me, ones I have fancied, and I've told them exactly where to go... because getting one's end away is not worth the pain it will cause someone else.

As for the poster who said don't reply on other women not to shag your husband, I don't think any of us do. Threads like this explain why. Plenty seem to think it is fine.

0lympia · 19/08/2012 22:10

Panicnot, I don't think anybody thinks it's "fine"! And if that's how you've interpreted these posts then I think the nerve is yours?

Most posters understand that it's not always black and white. Like getthecakeready's story. I was in a situation a bit like that 16 years ago. I have grown up a lot since then, but I am not a tart! I never was. I have lived and learned some tough lessons along the way. Everything I've ever learnt has been the hard way! Nothing is every easy.

Your harsh black and white judgements make you sound immature and blinkered imo. And when I agreed that married women shouldn't rely on random strangers to respect their vows, I did not mean that they woudl be blameless, I meant that it doesn't make sense to waste energy hating them and excusing the man.

OneMoreChap · 19/08/2012 22:19

Abitwobblynow Sun 19-Aug-12 21:31:49

Chap, do you ever stop to think about how the wife who 'drove you to it' ever felt?

Do I? No, not at all. I did. The last conversation I had with her at mediation she said, "I never imagined growing old alone." I said "I've been alone since we married"

I was never quite good enough for her - later, it transpired I was a rebound. A week after out marriage, I ended up sleeping in the front room, and she wouldn't speak to me; at all.

After the birth of my first child, who I did night feeds for, changed, took to play group [mummy wanted to go back to work, so we co-parented], I saw her maybe 2 nights a week - 2 nights a week she went to see her family. We made love 3 times in the next 2 years. On one holiday which resulted in our next child.

18 months after that I was offered sex if I'd done something "good". There was no physical affection for me. My hugs/ Came from my children. Who I continued to do half for, as mummy went back to work again...

And that child?

Both of them were happier when we split.

Did you ever speak up about your misery?

Yes, all the time.

Or is life all about you and your need to be happy?
Not at all, thanks for asking. Does that help/

panicnotanymore · 20/08/2012 18:05

I'm not blinkered or immature, I have just lived through the car crash that is some little piece of work from the office thinking that it is ok to sleep with my husband because it was obviously one of those 'grey areas' that you are talking about. She has wrecked my marriage, and her own self esteem, and wasted a lot of her own life and mine in the process. My husband is home, I am pregnant, but the love and trust I previously felt for him is dead. Yes we had stuff we needed to talk about, no everything wasn't all peaches and cream, but it was stuff that could have been sorted had he talked to me, instead of her. Now he has, it is. If she hadn't been quite so quick with the knickers off routine we'd have got there quicker.

I no longer trust any women, or any men. One of my best friends was an OW, she keeps trying to justify what she did as well because it makes her feel better about wrecking a marriage, and one with kids in it at that. Her bloke went home too. In the main they do. A real man leaves his wife first if his marriage is dead. A decent woman waits for him to do so.

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/08/2012 18:25

No, I wouldn't demean myself. There are plenty of single men you can shag out there, why shop in the bargain basement?

Minstrelsaremarvellous · 21/08/2012 03:43

No. Never.
Some OW slept with my ExH. She got pregnant and while I'm over it three years down the line my DD is not. I will never forgive him or her for what they've done to my DD who is not yet 5.

Chap - I get some marriages are shit but you should have left your wife before embarking on an affair. Inexcusable.

0lympia · 21/08/2012 12:37

@ onemorechap, not all marriages are meant to be. I believe you taht your child is happier nwo. I know my children are.

@ panicnotanymore, sorry you're in so much pain, but labelling other women 'pieces of work' and 'tarts' and so on makes it clear you are a long way from over your experiences. I've been through some train crashes myself. You don't have the monopoly on that one!

KirstyWirsty · 21/08/2012 12:51

No - anyone attached (be it dating, living together or married) is off limits no matter how tempting it may be

Think you've made the right decision OP ... why be another notch on his bedpost - surely you deserve better?

perfumedlife · 21/08/2012 13:03

panic your h wrecked your marriage, not the ow.

KirstyWirsty · 21/08/2012 13:41

If OW weren't willing to sleep with married men then men wouldn't be able to have affairs!

I don't buy the fact that the OW is not in any way to blame

perfumedlife · 21/08/2012 13:45

Who said ow wasn't in anyway to blame KirstyWirsty?

But crediting them with sole power to wreck a marriage is delusional. Do they throw a lasoo around the cocks of poor unsuspecting, unwilling husbands?

Technoviking · 21/08/2012 13:51

I'd definitely never sleep with a married man.

THERhubarb · 21/08/2012 14:00

OP, you've probably got away lightly so far, I've seen women torn apart for admitting to affairs with married men.

I'm more interested in why you want to have sex with him at all? You know you will just be another notch on his bedpost, you know he's a kiss and tell, you know you will be flattering his already inflated ego so why would you forgoe your pride and self-respect to sleep with him?

The sex may be good but sex is generally over with pretty quickly whereas your reputation may well last a lifetime.

You are friends with his friends, so they probably all know that you have had a relationship with him already. They would be sure as hell to know if you slept with him again because he sounds like he has trouble keeping his mouth shut. Once all they know, they'd tell other people and so your reputation would spread.

I'm just wondering what makes all that worthwhile for you?

I know you said you aren't going to consider it now, but you did. You were considering it. Why?

You don't say if you are in a relationship yourself or have any kids. I wonder why you are so keen to have sex with someone you don't like very much?

MissFaversam · 21/08/2012 14:08

If I got to the point of shagging a man, I'd not want to shag one who's shagging others anyway, eww.

Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 14:08

Yes. Every night for nearly 20 years.

DinahMoHum · 21/08/2012 14:13

only if his wife was ok with it

Flisspaps · 21/08/2012 14:18

No. Never.

namechangeobviously · 21/08/2012 15:00

I always swore I would never, having been on the receiving end myself and having very strong views on it. I used to say that OW were complicit in the wife/girlfriend having sex that was non-consensual i.e any sex they had was non-consensual as she was unaware of information that may change whether she would consent. I think infidelity is awful. I think it is a terrible way to live one's life. Yet I have been having a sexual and romantic relationship with a married man for 16 months on and off. His wife has had varying levels of knowledge of it and knows who I am. It is not the typical MN/Shirley Glass scenario at all and is only his infidelities that have enabled the relationship to continue for as long as it has. Why I have allowed myself to become entangled in such a messed-up utterly toxic situation, which it was for years before me, is something I am trying to resolve through therapy. I wonder how many women on mumsnet read these threads and don't comment.

OneMoreChap · 21/08/2012 15:06

namechangeobviously Tue 21-Aug-12 15:00:04
I wonder how many women on mumsnet read these threads and don't comment.

Lots, I'd imagine. There's a very high-ground position taken in a lot of cases, which don't seem to accord to external reality. As I said, I know there are sites very heavily populated by women seeking no strings fun. Most of who are married.

Of course, they are also all vile deceivers who are beneath contempt; they should have the honesty to leave their homes, husbands and children...

I'd add that most mumsnetters seem very level-headed, and there are lots of blokes here - just not with such obvious sobriquets as mine. And fewer who'd admit to being with an OW...

GivenToFly · 21/08/2012 15:16

It is a topic that you will never hear a lot about from those involved. Other than the odd story in those old lady true life magazines about serial OWs, most women would never dream of it.

I think OP knows how wrong it would be to do it. Maybe she felt she just needed to be reminded? I don't know.

For the record though, I know being cheated on is hard, but I do think if it ever happened to me I would be able to admit that the person to blame would be my DP, not the OW. Nobody knows what he told her to get her into bed. And he would be the one who betrayed me, not the random lady it was with.

Ormiriathomimus · 21/08/2012 15:20

Of course given - thing is when it does happen you don't react as you expect. And if you are trying to build a relationship again with your spouse it's easier to direct a lot of the bile in her direction as that way it's harmless.

I don't feel angry at OW anymore. Just incredulous that she could be so self-centred. But the main responsibility lies with H of course.

Nagoo · 21/08/2012 15:23

I wouldn't, no.

It's very black and white for me.

If the man was separated then it's a different thing.

There are lots of single men you could have no strings sex with, why go for a married one? Friends with Benefits is different to falling in love and being interested only in one person.

StuntGirl · 21/08/2012 15:26

No, I never would, and neither should you.

perfumedlife · 21/08/2012 16:07

Op if you slept with him when his wife was his gf, he has already shown you were you are in his pecking order. Low. Why would you willingly put yourself lower?

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