First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

I think that would kill him. A lover I mean. Not that I know the man at all but just a feeling.

Lucyellensmum99 fancy a pint?

I'm off now anyway hope OP's found some of this useful? May pop by later? I have things to do that MN has stopped me from doing.

Lucy, am not saddly!

I was on holiday for 10 days with a friend who could just be the op.
In the end we only found 3 solutions:

1. see a family therapist and learn to make love
2. agree that they are not exclusive
3. leave All 3 are fairly honest.

Im sorry but i am beyond I do feel for you OP but if you were a man wrirting this about your wife you would have been RIPPED TO SHREDS on here by now. You don't sound like you like him, so leave !

Absolutely lucy, this is typically a thread where a man would have been lynched

'harpy i assume you are joking, but you know what - she would be well wihtin her rights, so long as she is upfront about it, but i suspect she wants to have sex with someone she loves.'

FFS if a man was talking about his wife with MH problems low libidio who spends all day looking after the kids would you say this? I don't think there would be many replies saying he would be within his rights to go and fuck someone else so long as he was upfront about it.

DH is happy to have sex once a week and it's always me who initiates it. TBH I would like sex more often and for him to be more attentive to my needs - throw me on the bed, full of lust etc but it is reasonably satisfying and very loving. (I try and communicate this without destroying his self-esteem). It's just that he gets turned on by me initiating things and being the more dominant one, and the fact that I do have a high sex drive and am sexually confident.

All other aspects of the relationship are pretty good, we love each other, make each other laugh, are great friends, don't have blazing rows, don't drive each other nuts, communicate pretty well, he gives me thoughtful gifts, we have two wonderful daughters and he is a great dad and husband.

We were never going to set the world on fire where sex is concerned, I've had other relationships where the sex was brilliant but it was never going to work in any other way, and that is no basis for marriage.

I also meant to say though I would like more sex, I would never go to anyone else for it! I would never risk hurting him or destroying what we have. When I said my marriage vows 8 years ago, I meant them, till death do us part.

Lucy sorry if I have offended you, but I was talking about the OP's description of her own husband, not about you or anyone else's mental health problems. She says she is working 15 hour days, is the main breadwinner and he works part time. She says he won't get off his backside and change things he doesn't like and she spends a lot of time trying to please him/cater for his needs. She says he has MH problems, including aggression and anger and that he has had long-term help though a psychiatrist (though no Gps where they live). She seems very angry about his failure to realise the stress she is under and wants to come in, have a drink and have sex. None of this is about you, or about people with MH issues in general, it is about living abroad in a difficult situation with someone she almost seems to feel contempt for, due to his lack of interest and desire.

Make of that what you will, but don't say I said MH issues were connected with these things in a general sense, as I didn't.

I actually agree with your last post that the way the Op talks about her husband is very unpleasant.

Curious - i'll have threee!!

Julie Peasgood's book about sex in relationships is very good. Strips away a lot of common misconceptions, such as men being up for sex all the time or the kinds of stuff that gets bandied about in romantic fiction, such as men being the experienced one and automatically knowing what turns his partner on, as if they are psychic!

Absolutely Marys.
I suggested trying to re-connect by "making love" without penetration.
Sorry TMI but, hey ho, since we are on the topic....

@ lucy

Well sorry if the bluntness offends but I call it as I see it.

If illness changes your physical ability to do something for your partner, are they entitled to dump you?

AIUI much mental ill health is physical in origin. If the OP's partner is not meeting her sexual needs because he's mentally ill, is she any more entitled to be angry than in the example I gave?

If he's perfectly normal in the sex department but chooses not to do it with her; or if he gets fat and CBA to deal; or if he doesn't measure up in any other way that he's freely chosen and could change, she has a valid grievance. If not then not.

It might be bloody gross, in which case please excuse my bad taste, but I don't see what the fundamental difference is between this and the Nigella example?

I could swear there's something in there when you get married about in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. Or is all that just bullshit and you can welsh on it when it gets a bit dull?

thecoupleconnection.net/articles/loss-of-intimacy

is this any help?
hope you get it sorted

Good god I don't hold my husband in contempt!!!

I admire him enormously. You've clearly chosen to ignore the posts where I say the frustrating thing is that this is the only problem I have with our marriage and say how much I love him for his kindness generosity intelligence and charm. Would I or indeed any one want to sleep with a man they were contemptuous of?!

Frustrated, angry, resentful, upset, sad feeling like I hate him at moments because of THIS issue im discussing. But contempt never. Ever.

It's absolutely not his fault he is not working full one it's visa issues and due to the country in which we live. In England he would either have his own business or be working full time in what he is qualified to do. I am so appreciative of the fact that he chose to put his career on hold to enable me to pursue mine. And I will never forget that selflessness.

My issues are nothing to do with him as a person only his libido. He doesn't do this on purpose I know. E isn't making me feel bad deliberately. He would never do that. What I need to find out is what the underlying causes are, if they can be worked around or fixed (me losing weight, him building up his self confidence, having counselling to really talk about this properly etc.) or whether this I just the way things are an I have to live with it and let it go and focus on the positives.

I agree, I think it boils down to these three options:

1. see a family therapist and learn to make love
2. agree that they are not exclusive
3. leave

But I don't think option 2 would make for a happy marriage.

I wouldn't do option 2 and nor would he. Despite not wanting to have sex with me very much he is very very adamant that no one else should do so!

Then try n.1
And do it together

I am going to do the following.

1. Lose the weight and go down te gym three times a week WITH HIM
2. Forget about sex for a while completely - perhaps until 1 above is accomplished.
3. If there is no positive change in the situation arrange couples therapy and / or individual therapy for both of us.
4. Learn to live with it. Or leave. TBD.

Thanks for the advice. All helpful in its own way.

We used to go to the gym/run together. Bit difficult with kids though :(

I'd advise you to try and like/love yourself regardless of any weight/fitness issues. But also going to the gym is brilliant.

How about also giving one another a massage/cuddles without it leading to anything. Just a bit of mutual touch and intimacy without shagging.

Or having some wine in the bath together.

Good luck, and please discuss this with him.

Just want to wish you good luck OP, I hope things improve for the better

Good luck.

I hope I am wrong but you are almost certainly going to find that number four on your list is where you will find yourself. He was like this on your honeymoon before you had kids so he isn't goin to be jumping on you just because you have lost weight.