First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

Possibly, yes, you have to be prepared for that

But mumsy - you posted very generally, otherwise i woudlnt have picked up on it.

And of course it wasn't about me - but it could be me. Im not sure what to make of it really, but i am a SAHM, i had serious PND and now suffer from anxiety - my DP works all the hours God sends to try and keep a roof over our head. He gets stressed. I have been "lazy" about sorting myself out and getting back to work - but hey, at least i still wanted to have sex witih him, otherwise no doubt he would have harboured all the same resentments towards me :( I feel bad that i put my family under additional stress by not returning to work but i was incapable, because i was suffering from a mental illness! I bear enough guilt for being "useless and unmotivated" but I can't turn back time. I often talk about this to my DP and he said that he woudlnt have wanted me to have done anything else than stay at home and look after our DD. There are differences, i didn't get a nanny, or golf clubs or a nice big house (i had to settle with bailifs and nearly losing our two up two down home), but none of that would have made a difference, because i was ILL.

I would however feel frustrated if i were the OP but as i have pointed out, she shoudnt take this personally, the issues are with her DP, whether she sticks around while he sorts himself out is up to her, im not sure i could, if i'm honest.

oh and the weight thing - total red herring! I was a size 10 when we met, im now a size 20 and very happy with my body thankyou very much. Ironically when i was ill (i had other health issues as well as PND) i went back to a 12, hated my body then and didnt feel very "desirable" at all. Now i have put the weight back on, im the woman who i am happy to be. Big and busty and bolshie - im happier in my own skin and DP finds that very attractive. Precisely because i don't obsess about how i look in a bikini.

OP, if this man has been like this all along, why is it a problem NOW? or why is it now presenting itself as quite an issue? What has bought it to a head?

Lucy I don't disagree with anything you say, I was trying to reflect back to the Op what she appeared to be saying, but it obviously came out wrong. I agree entirely she needs to take it less personally, and that her husband has a condition which may affect the libido (as do millions of people) which is why being very frustrated probably isn't fair (although now she says she's very happy with him but I can't say that came over in some of the posts about the distribution of work/stress/effort in the household).

But, if the Op is happy, and sees various options ahead, that's a good thing.

This is what happens when you don't read the thread properly - OP, i apologise, i was so angered by the MH comments on here that i just blathered in and assumed they were repeating your own feelings, which surprised me frankly, due to the tone at the begining of the thread.

I think you are letting this damage your self esteem too much, its not about you, he just doesn't like sex that much :( Be good to maybe get him down the gym wiht you - exercise is fantastic for anxiety and i cycle like a mad thing to control mine. Don't make it about improving the way you look though - im sure you are just lovely. Both of you. MAke it about doing something good together, something physical, you never know where it might lead.

I am sorry for saying you don't like your DH, that was a shit thing to say, and you clearly do love him judging by how you jumped to his defence.

Mumsy its fine - i think we both did the same thing, other postors have clearly taken this stance and that was where the thread was when i came back to it, i dont have time to read ten pages of posts so picked up on the last ones. We appear to be on the same page, im sorry for swearing at you x

"tadpoles the man takes ADs to stop himself becoming agressive and angry. "

I understand that. It sounds as though he has a complicated past history - what with the abuse.

As for the weight issue, the OP brought that up so I presume she considered it had some relevance to her situation.

I personally feel more confident when I am fit. Yes, if I had a medical condition where I put on weight I suspect my husband might find me less sexually attractive and vice versa. However, we would still love each other. I'm only being honest here. I could lie and say I would still want to ravish him if he was 5 stone overweight, but it would be a lie. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to make an effort for his sake (I would) but I think a huge amount of excess weight would be a passion killer for me (whether it was his or mine).

HOWEVER, this situation clearly is much more complex than that. I think I would find it difficult to live with someone who had to take medicine to stop him from being angry and aggressive. I had an angry, overbearing father and run a mile from aggression in a man.

Anyway, that's a whole other story. But, OP, I think your suggestion of exercising together is a brilliant idea. Exercise really does release some powerful hormones and can definitely help bring about a sense of well-being and improved self-esteeem. I'm in a running + exercise club where a 75 year old man has just joined and he is loving every minute of it. I really admire his persistence.

There are two things I really would not do here

1. have sex outside of the marriage, nor approach him with the suggestion

2. hold out for my own libido to wither to the same level as his...my own went up and up after the age of 35 and hasn't stopped yet by a long way (I am mid 40's)

'my own went up and up after the age of 35 and hasn't stopped yet by a long way (I am mid 40's)'

Heh- mine too. And the ADs actually increased it- as I have been feeling more and more confident and happy in my own skin.

Same here. 44 and love it.

I really don't think anything you do other than really communicating will help. Thinking you'll lose weight and get fit is just feeding your low self esteem and putting off the inevitable.

I have been with my husband for 12 years.
Sex was great in the beginning.
Then about 5 years in he lost his libido completely.
I made it clear I wasn't happy, and it drove me insane.
Lost a lot of weight to help my self esteem which it did.
Found out a while later that something quite tragic had happened in his family that he wasn't comfortable sharing with me at the time (legal issue).
On top of that we had high debts, couldn't afford to go out, we're living in a poky flat.
Eventually money worries stopped and things gradually came back to normal.
We are now back to the same level of sexual want/need and both feel comfortable with eachother.

Hold in there.
I was do close to leaving. Glad I didn't

"the incident in the garden...Op took her bikini top off in a way that clearly invites sexual contact"

So, every time a woman takes her top off, a man has to grope her otherwise it is dreadful. So many posts start "my husband annoys me, every time I get undressed he gropes me"....To which the reply is that it is virtually sexual assault. And how about reversing it, are you all soaking wet as soon as your husbands remove their clothes and desperate to shag them?

Sex in a long term relationship is all about compromise and mutual enjoyment. The expectation that a man has to have a hard on to order as soon as a woman removes her clothes or she will sulk is virtually a guarantee of a man with sexual dysfunction.

This whole thread is reminiscent of "Blind Faith" by Ben Elton, a relevant excerpt I post below:

"Turning round, Trafford saw that she had dressed herself in what was known as 'the full linge'. This was a phrase derived from the old word 'lingerie' and it meant dressing specifically to sexually excite one's partner. It was applied to women only. There was no male equivalent of the full linge because men were not required to attempt to excite their partners, although they were under considerable pressure to become excited once they had been linged. Any woman who donned the full linge for her partner, particularly in a sexually moribund relationship, held a strong moral position. Healers and counsellors would deem her to be making the effort to put fire and spice back into their sex lives, and the man was expected to react with unalloyed delight."

Sounds like he is generally quite emasculated by your current situation - that's nobody's fault but I doubt it helps.

OP you sound so sad :( I think you need to focus on what YOU can do to make yourself feel better - you can't make him feel different or want more sex. If I were you I would go to the gym WITHOUT your DH and possibly book a few sessions with their best looking personal trainer

Do you think part of the problem might be low self esteem because of his lack of career? OP, you said that your move abroad meant he gave up his work to further yours. Could he be feeling emasculated at all? I know when DH was out of work due to illness he really struggled with that.

That is the only post larry has ever written that I generally agreed with but I think he has missed the point that in that situation the OP's husband had invited her into the pool to drink the wine because he was planning an intimate evening so in that particular case it wasnt quite that clear cut. BUT I do agree with that as a general point. I hate all the "not a normal hetero male" crap.

Actually, that business with the pool and the bikini sounds to me like she's setting the H up to fail. He was making an effort to please her, but because his knob didn't shoot to attention immediately she threw a massive tantrum at him. No wonder he's getting more and more reluctant to try anything.

sex is a small drop in the ocean of a beautiful happy marriage.

you cannot force him into soemthing, thats not respectful- he has a right over his body.

speak to him, if he doesnt enjoy sex or want it with you- then u considered asking him for an open marriage?

it works for some

Oddly, I agree with the main point of Larry's last post too. I think the "get dressed up" advice which is so often trotted out to women is terrible. It implies that it can't "fail" which is awful for everyone - the woman feels terrible and humiliated when nothing happens, the man too, and under terrible pressure. I have never done this because I am fragile at the best of times and even the thought of standing fatly around in expensive undies while an embarrassed man fumbles for some kind words for "not tonight dear" could reduce me to tears.

Yes sgb but I maintain the problem is not so much the sex as the terrible communication. They seem to have an incompatibility, no doubt both with reasonable and unreasonable behaviours which they don't seem willing to actually talk about.

SGB Actually, that business with the pool and the bikini sounds to me like she's setting the H up to fail. He was making an effort to please her, but because his knob didn't shoot to attention immediately she threw a massive tantrum at him. No wonder he's getting more and more reluctant to try anything.

I totally agree.

FWIW I had a long term relationship with a man who had low libido and sexual hang-ups.

The more "provocative" I was, the more he withdrew.

That kind of "come on" behaviour on my part was seen as threatening.

I don't think some women understand how men's identity and self-wroth is linked to their libido. I didn't at the time, and my behaviour simply put more nails into the coffin of our relationship.

The answer is to back off , usually.

But with the OP I think it's his underlying MH issues that are key and the libido is a secondary issue.

I do appreciate that it's miserable and frustrating to feel that your partner has no desire for you, but given that he has MH problems and a history of abuse, putting this much pressure on the poor man is totally counter-productive. He can't be someone he isn't, and it's not as if he's totally refusing to do anything (they have sex three times a month).

Honestly OP you need to take the pressure off him - and yourself. Fixating on something you CANNOT HAVE (a total personality change for your H) is a waste of time.

As I said - I don't usually throw myself at my husband (or anyone else!). He enticed me into the pool for a night of intimacy and copious amounts of white wine then actually completely ignored me when I took my top off. No expectation of a raging hard on from him catching a glimpse of my boobs. Just perhaps some kind of even basic acknowledgement.

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to expect SOME kind of reaction under those circumstances even if it's a scandalized "women cover yourself the neighbours might see!". But not deliberate ignoring and the initiation of a conversation about waterproof sockets for the garden. That's just humiliating and hurtful.

Anyway. He initiated a discussion last night. Reiterated several times very firmly that he absolutely does find me attractive, loves me more than anything in the world, loves having sex with me and is very sorry we don't do it as often as I would like. That if we don't have sex for a while it's no reflection on me or on how he feels about us. It's usually because he is tired or just not thinking about it. Sometimes he just doesn't feel like being touched - he wants me to be there with him but he wants some physical autonomy. This surprised me a great deal because he is invariably very tactile with wanting foot rubs and back tickles and whatnot literally all the time so I'm not actually sure it's true in fact.

I asked if he thought things would be better if we were both fitter and healthier and he said my appearance had no impact on it, that he isn't that kind of man and he adores me and thinks I'm lovely as I am. But that it would probably have a good effect on everything in our lives if the two of us felt fit and healthy and good about ourselves.

He has offered to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. He has said he will go to counselling together and has said he needs to give me more attention and put more effort into this part of our marriage. But I have heard that twice a month for 3 years so will believe it when I see it.

We did sleep together last night at his instigation and I do feel a bit better. At least I do believe he does actually love me, does enjoy having sex with me but just wants it on his terms and his timing only. Which I think he ought to be prepared to compromise on (and is).

I think we will stick to the gym and fitness idea to start an begin to take advantage of having a live in babysitter to go out together a bit more often.

There are things I want to talk about more though. The bikini thing really hurt me and I don't feel like I can ever do something like that again. It's not healthy to feel unable to flirt with your own husband. I'm now also very wary of touching him because he has never before mentioned this whole "I vant to be aloooone" thing.

I also haven't really discussed with him the wider issue of feeling sort of invisible and that he doesn't SEE me. How I try always to make him feel desired and attractive and I don't feel that is reciprocated. So I think I need to bring that up. It's not that I want to be constantly complimented or drooled over but I feel an inequality in the way we appreciate each other and I don't like how that makes me feel.

But anyway. Progress in some small ways I guess but not holding out much hope for any changes. Being able to discuss it must be an improvement though and may stop me from becoming so frustrated.

Solidgoldbrass. The next time your husband suggests an intimate evening then starts discussing the garden electrics when you take your knickers off I assume you'll be fine with that. There's a fucking huge different between being a whiney little bitch because your husband doesn't get a hard on every time he looks at you naked to being totally ignored when you've been actively encouraged into a position of intimacy and vulnerability then basically told in his actions "yes ive invited you here to get frisky but you can damn well wait until I'm ready to make the moves thanks".

You've had some great advice about backing off to take the pressure off him. It's interesting that you really don't want to hear that. I too am convinced it would help your partnership.