First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

I don't think it is unreasonable to feel that about sex but it is unreasonable to make him responsible for relieving your stress IYSWIM and to not find other ways of dealing with your commitments.

@ needsome

If a man wrote your 3rd from last paragraph I don't think he'd get a lot of sympathy would he?

From what you've told us, your husband suffers from an illness whose treatment entails meds with a known side effect of reduced interest in sex. It follows that from a base of lower interest in sex than your own, his interest level is now lower still. You must have had some inkling of the first beforehand and the second is not a choice. This is not his fault is it? If he lost his hearing he would be unable to share an interest in opera with you wouldn't he?

I'm not sure what it is you think he could do that he isn't doing? He's told you what the issue is - he's not that interested, and when he is, he takes a long time to fire up. You may want a different answer, but reopening the same conversation is not going to get you one, and it's not 'talking'...Isn't this the part of the marriage where you reflect on 'for better or for worse' and decide whether you meant that or not?

If I wanted someone to enjoy opera with I'd find a friend to go. Not possible in a committed marriage to find an alternative person to make love with. That being the operative definition.

I do feel for you, but I also agree with what ElizabethX said above.

I also think you should think very carefully about where you want to be in say 10 or 15 years time. Because you're 34 now, and in another 10 years, you might find your own libido has dropped off (I know this a taboo subject but check out the menopause board and you'll see how common this is as we get older). And as your own libido drops off, you'll find you and he perhaps match each other's pace a little better.

Don't take it personally - he obviously loves you - and as I said, your own hormones will eventually take a nosedive, so consider that too.

What am I supposed to say? Would I like to change him? Yes. I want to wave a magic wand and have him want to fuck me seven ways from Sunday. But I'm not an idiot. I know that's not going to happen.

oh come on, you're being obtuse and you are smarter than that.

If he were physically unable to take in an opera, would you expect him to? If you liked Thai food and he were allergic to fish sauce would you expect him to eat Thai food with you?

This is the same. A likely effect of the AD meds is a lack of interest in sex, presumably with anyone not just you. What's he supposed to do? You can't insist he recover his libido any more than you could insist he recover his power of hearing can you?

Good point about my own libido slowing as I age. I have thought f it.

No. But he doesn't have the right to inflict celibacy or an unsatisfactory sex life on me any more than I had the four to force unwelcome sex on him.

Don't know many marriages were Thai food enjoyment is vital but I do believe a healthy mutually satisfying sex life is a prerequisite for a happy marriage.

It actually sounds as though he's making quite an effort, and yet you are still whining, moaning and unsatisfied. I'm beginning to feel quite sorry for him; he has a history of being abused, he has mental health issues and you are making a lot of demands on him, not just to have sex with you (which he is already doing quite regularly) but to feed your ego constantly.

I think you are placing too much emphasis in sex, I do believe it's very important but it's not like you don't get any, you say that you need it to unwind and destress.... Can you not find other ways? I don't have an overly high sex drive as I've said up thread but I do sort myself put once in a while IYSWIM

Sorry if that's completely inappropriate but I just wanted to throw it in there, I do feel bad for you, your situation has made me realise how I must make my husband feel when he only gets it once a month

Yes but he's not inflicting it on you. It's not his choice.

IIRC Nigella Lawson's first husband died of cancer of the tongue. So presumably cunnilingus was right out for quite a while beforehand. If Nigella's minimum sexual expectation was plenty of cunnilingus, should she have divorced him as soon as he became ill for inflicting a lack of cunnilingus on her?

If you go that route, and start dating again, I seriously wouldn't mention to anyone you meet that you divorced your first husband for falling ill....

OP, I absolutely understand how soul destroying this is. I was with someone for two years who never - not once, literally - showed any desire for me. It was utterly, utterly crushing. I totally get the humiliation, the embarrassment. It's fucking AWFUL.

I think mumsy is very keen for you to take on board that ADs have side effects - did you know that OP? Did you know that ADs have side effects? ADs can affect libido - did you know that? Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be back in a minute or two to point out that ADs HAVE SIDE EFFECTS, in case that point had passed you by. The guy I was with was also on AD's, in fact he was on a truly staggering combination of psychotropic drugs and I have no doubt that they played their part in his non-existent libido. I am also very sure, now, that he was (is) gay. Neither of these points was even a little bit relevant: being faced with constant, unremitting physical rejection for two years fucked me up. The underlying causes weren't really relevant. What was relevant was the fact that he raised my expectations by pursuing a relationship with me and then completely refused to have any kind of physical contact with me and refused to engage in any kind of discussion about it. He was not interested in working on it or trying to see it from my point of view. He expected me to just live with it and, in fact, he made it clear that he was fairly disgusted by the fact that I even wanted to have sex.

I don't think I have any advice for you really. In the end I left but I know that's not what you want to do and I understand that. I have to say, though, that your frustration and desperation has become more and more evident as this thread has progressed and in one of your more recent posts - the one where you talk about having got him golf clubs, a fish tank, a bigger house etc etc - it seems to me (apologies if I am wrong) that there is some contempt not too far beneath the surface.

If you are completely honest with yourself, do you think there's any way back for you?

PS: just to let you know, ADs have side effects. Have you considered talking to a GP? :) (AAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH)

Oh Elizabeth you were making so much until thet last example!

So much Sence

Arghhhhhh
Sense

Long time male lurker here.

I agree with pretty much everything MumsyBlouse says but wanted to add some bits.

You say that he is a good lover but do you tell him and does he believe you? If you asked him what HE thinks you think of him as a sexual partner (in terms of actual sex rather than how often) what would he say?

This comment really struck home to me: 'I think he twists it into "see I'm still nt good enough - cant even keep wife happy in the sack".'

If he genuinely thinks he can't satisfy his wife in terms of quantity AND quality of sex then he will constantly be feeling a failure. Add to this a history of low self esteem, MH issues, AD's and a wife who is clearly deeply upset by the situation all makes the problem 100x worse.

Then on top of this his wife is the main breadwinner and he has his own body issues. I can totally understand why he doesn't want to have sex.

I would encourage you to lose that 2 stone and persuade him to get in shape by going to the gym together. Saying you don't want to lose wait because your sex drive will increase sounds like a cop out to me (sorry). Sadly what you look like can make a big difference to how a lot of men feel. Not just in terms of sexual desire, but also (as you have already alluded to) in terms of his personal pride.

As others have suggested I would completely back off on the sex/needing to be desired wanted, but at the same time ensure that you have some non sexual intimacy - cuddles kissing, massage etc. However you need to talk about this very clearly and openly so that you are both 100% sure it won't lead to sex. You may find that he really wants to kiss/cuddle but is afraid of doing this as it will be taken as some sort of sign he wants to have sex when actually he doesn't.

Also I would recommend the book 'For Women Only' by Shaunti Feldhahm to get a better understanding of what he is thinking as you are probably overestimating the importance of some things (like golf clubs) and underestimating the importance of other things ( like you being the main breadwinner).

Having said all that i think the big issue here is his MH and the AD's. Until this is fixed/resolved I think you will just have to cooperate to mange the best you can. What is the long term plan here? Is he just being parked on meds indefinitely?

(Can I just say that as someone else mentioned if this was a man asking about how to have sex with his wife more than once a week the replies would be very different.)

*weight

@ harpy

did you not like that one then? :-)

if someone demands something another person cannot provide...what to do?

hopkinette don't be rude, I haven't only talked about AD's whatsoever. If you pick a guy with anxiety/depression, this stuff will go with the territory.

Essentially the OP has married a man with less drive, less working capacity, with mh issues, not the world's highest libido and is very very angry about this.

If she had mentioned 1/10 of this at the start, she might have received better advice.

And SGB is spot on that she is only one step away from contempt for this man for failing to relieve her stress through sex. Something is massively wrong here.

Leave

"I also think you should think very carefully about where you want to be in say 10 or 15 years time. Because you're 34 now, and in another 10 years, you might find your own libido has dropped off "

Or NOT. I am that age and I can tell you that mine has only increased with age. And I certainly wouldn't be wasting 10 good years waiting for my libido to disappear.

And ironically enough- I am on ANTI D's

a lover?

Now hang the fuck on - "Essentially the OP has married a man with less drive, less working capacity, with mh issues, not the world's highest libido and is very very angry about this."

Now I might have missed something here but - What the actual Fuck??? He has less drive? how do you know? He has less working capacity? so what! he has MH issues - fuck off!!!! Seriously, i am gobsmacked - now i apologise if ive got the wrong end of the stick here but im extremely offended - that COULD be describing me (except i fuck like a steam train ) How does this make this guy wrong? I have mental health issues, does that make me any less of a person?

Actually too seething to type

I did mention the ADs side effects to the OP, but she pointed out that he was like this before. I just dont think their labidos are compatible, the OP has a problem with this (i understand and sympathise). But lets not start having a pop at men because they have MH issues, please :(

harpy i assume you are joking, but you know what - she would be well wihtin her rights, so long as she is upfront about it, but i suspect she wants to have sex with someone she loves.

And ElizablethX what a vile things to say about Nigella lawsons husband - OMFG what is wrong with people on this thread (apologies again if im reading out of context) but the red mist has descended - fuck