First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

I wouldn't leave it and settle either. But nor would I give up just yet.

I would lay my cards on the table as OP has done on this thread, with full disclosure. I would make relationship counselling a condition of my staying. I would insist any physical problems (either due to meds or unrelated performance issues) be investigated and sorted out.

If after this, I felt he still wasn't being truthful (with me and with a counsellor)and all physical problems had been ruled out, I would dissolve my marriage.

If meds were causing a physical problem and it wasn't resolvable, I would treat that the same as something physical like a stroke or whatever if he were honest, and stay

The thing is though, he can perform, he simply chooses not to, or chooses to entirely on his own terms. I would worry there was a touch of emotional abuse mixed up in all this mess. A control thing. Successful woman, needs bringing down a peg or two ? I dunno. the bikini top in the garden thing has red flags all over it, IMO

That is what I would do. It's a complicated situation. Only OP knows if it is worth trying to unravel.

AF- he's on ADs. These meds are well-known to have physical side-effects (lower libido, difficulty maintaining erection). The OP has said they have already switched meds to get the optimum ones. If he's not on them, he's aggressive and angry. I don't think they have much choice but to continue the meds, and accept the side-effects/speak again with the psychiatrist about any alternative solutions.

The pharmaceutical industry have invested billions of dollars to find an AD which doesn't lower libido. It has not been a massive success.

I know mumsy. But this bloke won't discuss it, and prefers instead to shun his bikini-removing wife and make her feel like someone not worth fancying. He is excluding her instead of including her. This is not the behaviour of a loving husband with meds-induced performance problems (or it shouldn't be)

This is the problem, IMO

I don't accept that OP "doesn't have much choice", mumsy. Nobody has to stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy. We all have a choice.

@ tadpoles

I am just a bit of a body fascist. I admit it.

Make that 2 of us, although I don't see it as body fascism. Part of the way you attract your mate is the way you look. If you choose to alter something important without consulting your partner, you've welshed on a part of the deal.

Baby weight is OK because you have little choice in the matter. But if a bloke loved your hair and you went and got a skinhead, he'd be entitled to be miffed. I should add that it applies in either direction.

FWIW I don't think wandering around naked is the way forward. It's like being too available, he will just get blase and not notice. It should be hard work and a very rare treat for him to see you naked. I go to the opposite extreme, I still am a gym rat so this isn't a body image issue, it's a policy decision. With my current man I'm emotionally available, but I lock the bathroom door, I don't dress or undress in front of him, I wear one of his t shirts in bed etc...obv hard to do when you're parenting and cohabiting but maybe worth a try?

Because I'm an impatient person I'd be inclined to crystallise the issue. I'd lose the 2 stone that was never part of the deal and see what happens. Seems to me not all possibilities are exhausted so I would be getting on and exhausting them. If this is not fixable, the sooner you know the better.

What does he say about the situation? Have you asked him how he feels and have you listened to the answers? What things would he like to change in the relationship?

It is possible, as AF says, that he's actually getting some sort of satisfaction from watching you drive yourself nuts - the thing about him hinting that he might be up for a shag tonight and then going to sleep sounds a bit calculated and spiteful. Or it could be that he is aware that you are constantly desperate for sex and this makes him feel pressured, anxious and resentful.

You can't control another person's feelings, you can't force him to feel lust and desire for you if he doesn't feel those things. You can reach an agreement that he pays you so many complements a day, that he remembers to kiss you etc, though this isn't necessarily healthy; teaching a human being to do doggy tricks is demeaning for both of you.

How does he treat you otherwise? Is he kind, respectful, friendly? Is he supportive of your work, does he do his share domestically? If he's good in other ways, it's definitely worth looking for some sort of relationship counselling, which will help you communicate better with each other and, if the problems are too deep-rooted to solve, will help you separate with the minimum of bitterness.

Yes, I meant that him coming off the meds to improve sexual interest isn't a viable choice unless she wants an angry aggressive man around.

Of course she has the choice to leave. But really, with two little children, having sex a few times a month, described as a great father, great husband, yet she is in constant tears over their lack of sex? There's more to this than sex and his seeming lack of interest, that's for sure. I think the impact of his MH is more profound than anyone had anticipated, and wishing to turn the clock back to those early days of gazing into each others' eyes is highly unrealistic.

Is he a stay at home dad?
How happy is he living in the country you are in now?
What else has he got going on in his life?
How well-rounded is his life?

I completely agree he shouldn't come off meds. I didn't say that, did someone else ? That would not be a good idea, at all.

I don't gaze into my H's eyes (we are both getting a bit short sighted anyway ).

I don't think it is unrealistic, however, to be upset that being sexually rejected over and over, with no real move to find a solution on the rejecting partner's part. I would be examining my marriage very closely too.

be upset at

My d p sees me naked every day not sure after twenty years if he even notices. and i have amasing breasts

Amazing !!!!

I don't think the bikini thing has red flags all over it actually. It could be what AF thinks or it could be that he doesn't respond to sexual advances because he feels afraid of being touched in relation to his anxiety and abuse history and is not a communicator.

The present situation is unacceptable.

I don't see any way round it other than talking.

It his lack of communication about his withdrawal of sexual interest and his lack of engagement with talking when you try that is the starting point. Who can really say what the reasons are without communication and if he refuses to communicate then I would eventually have to leave.

Whichever way around the bikini incident truth is, it is a marker of how far their relationship has deteriorated, though, am sure everyone would agree on that.

Remove bikini top = clear come-on. To act disinterested = clear rejection.

In some ways, you could say the communication is quite clear

The reasons behind it are what OP is struggling with, and her partner isn't trying to help.

He works part time for himself.

We have a nanny now because he found it too stressful dealing with 2 under 2.

We just moved to a bigger house because he wanted to as he felt too cramped with the dog and kids in the old one.

He likes where we live. He would prefer to have a salaried job.

He has friends here but doesn't go out that much because we have just moved into a new big house so we don't have a lot of disposable income.

He has body issues and wishes he were fitter but makes no effort to exercise despite the fact there is a free gym 3 minutes walk away from our house. But he doesn't sleep well an is often tired and works hard looking after the house kids and his trade.

If he doesn't want to have sex or feels lacking in drive because he wants more time with his friends r a better job or to be fitter he should fckin pull his finger out and do something about it. It's not my job to make him happy with his life (aside from the things I can directly influence like brig a good caring wife and trying to meet his needs in that regard).

I've bent over backwards to make him happier in every way I can. Nanny. Bigger house. Golf clubs he wanted. Fish tank he wanted. Found the relatives he had lost touch with as a child. Taken less hours at work so we can spend more time together because he felt like we were always doing house or kid stuff. If he says he wants something I try my best to provide it. Because I want him to be happy. Because if he is happy he is relaxed and if he is relaxed maybe he will actually give me what I want.

I'm really not all take take take. I just want to feel appreciated. And I want a sexual thrill in my life FFS. I'm a mother, I work in a very high pressure job, I manage all the finances, I'm an only child so my parents rely on me. Everyone relate on me for everything. All I want is some decent sex do fucks sake!!!! At the end of a stressful day where I've been 8 hours at worn walked in and taken over the babies, put them to bed, cooked dinner, eaten dinner what I want after a nice glass of wine to get rid of some of the fucking unbearable stress is to be loved appreciated and made love to by my husband. Sorry if I want ONE thing for me, for us, to put a spark of fun and enjoyment and tenderness into my 15 hour days.

I'm sure he would say after a day working and looking after the kids and the house all he wants is to be cuddled and not pestered for sex.

And therein lies the problem.

With the bikini incident he said he was jut relaxing enjoying himself, wanted to do things in his own time and needed to be left to "work up to things" himself or wind down or something. Well bugger me for not knowin my place and letting the man always make the first move. How dare I try to tempt flirt with or otherwise make a move on my own husband. How off putting huh?!

Yes, I agree it is major but the op doesn't actually seem willing to talk to him about it anymore. If that's the case, which is fine btw then it is the end of the relationship I think. Carrying on pretending it is ok is a wrong choice IMO.

Thing is I also use sex as a stress reliever. I have so much to deal with and making love takes away some of that pressure and stress from me. To put aside all the issues at work and home and just focus on each other and physical and emotional enjoyment matters to me so much.

He knows all this. He knows all the reasons why sex matters to me. All of them. And how much.

I know I have to talk to him but I'm firstly so deeply humiliated at having to and secondly very scared that what he will say will hurt me even more.

OP, are you listening to him, or not? Is he happy with the situation, or not? Do you shout and get angry with him when he won't have sex?

Pretty much anyone who is being pressured by a partner to engage in sex will be turned off. If you are always angry, crying, sulking, hopping about in suspenders going 'Cooee' or grabbing him, then it's going to be very exhausting and offputting for him.

Again, the point is being missed. This is a man who is on anti-anxiety meds. I get you are angry and frustrated at being the breadwinner and working 15 hours a day, I get the dynamic. BUT, you can't demand the same of someone with MH issues as you can if someone does not. That is the reality- you picked a guy who wants to work pt, and gets anxious, and needs ADs and you can't just come in and demand sex in this situation.

You are doing too much, carrying everything and massively resentful for it. There are some serious power issues here and you both need counselling.

If he admitted that he knew it was important to you and that he was really sorry and made an effort to initiate sex at least once a week would that be OK? If he simply doesn't have a massive libido and is on medication ( I know what an effect that has) he can't change the way he is, but he can change the way he chooses to respond to it IYSWIM.

Or is it that you want someone who feels a lot of passion for you that manifests itself in the desire for sex?

I almost never ever make any kind of move on him. Ever. The bikini incident was because HE had suggested we spend an evening being intimate. But clearly only on HIS terms when e had managed to psych himself up to it.

Yes I get upset.

When he ignored me that night I looked upset. So he made himself come over and start kissing me. Not because he wanted me. Because he didn't want me to be pissed off. And then I cried. And I went upstairs and had a shower and sobbed my heart out becAuse I felt so humiliated.

And he came up and said he had planned on making a move eventually but he had to do it in his own time. Then we had sex and I hated every minute of it. Every single minute because it felt like pity. And I felt demeaned.