First world problem I know - husband just not interested

[needsomeperspective]

I know this is a frequent theme on these boards but I just really need to just get it out.

I've been married nearly 4 years and for at least 3 (well before we had kids) our sex life has been less than amazing. I am the kind of person to whom sex is very very important in a relationship. It cements the bond, oils the wheels, helps with communication, feeling close and feeling loved and wanted. In my opinion it should also be a source of fun, joy and bring a little color, passion and excitement to the mundanities of everyday life, work, domestic drudgery, child are etc.

Unfortunately my husband doesn't feel that way and the state of our sex life is just tearing me apart.

We have sex once a week to once every ten days. When we do I get the feeling that he is reluctant or doing it as a duty. He has actually told me me needs to "work himself up to it".

We argue constantly about this. I have told him that I desperately long for a close, passionate, frequent, fulfilling sex LIFE which runs a thread of intimacy through our marriage NOT just an occasional shag. He says he will "try" but nothing ever changes.

I don't feel sex is something which interests him. In between times he shows no sexual interest in me and if I try to initiate anything by kissing or caressing him he lies there and mostly ignores me and I can almost see him mentally trying to persuade or force himself to make an effort because he knows I will otherwise be upset.

This has got to the point now where my self esteem in shattered. I feel close to tears a lot of the time and like I have a big rock in my chest. If its been a long time since we've had sex I almost hate him.

I'm 34. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life being sexually unfulfilled and feeling unwanted, undesirable. I feel like there is a whole side of marriage, of LIFE that I'm missing out on.

I know some people would be quite content with sex 3 times a month but I'm not. I'm very very unhappy. He knows this.

He is on anti anxiety meds but if anything he is LESS interested in sex when he is not on them because he is then anxious, mean and sometimes violently aggressive. They don't seem to have any physical impact on his abilities in bed and he has always functioned perfectly in a physical sense whether on or off them.

When we do have sex he is a considerate and wonderful lover. He cares that I am enjoying himself. But he just doesn't seem..... enthusiastic. He just isn't driven or really "into it" if you know what I mean. He touches me for ME nt because e actually wants to. He makes no comment and shows zero interest when I'm naked or in underwear. God knows I'm no a pretty sight after 2 cesareans and 2 stone overweight but I'm not that bad. I know husbands who still show their wife desire when their wives aren't physically perfect.

I know I should lose weight but I'm scared to. If I get back into a size ten and he still has no interet that's my last hope gone. And he SAYS my looks are fine and that's nothing to do with it. If the problem is my body I wish he would just be honest because that is something I can actually fix!

I've now basically given up on ever having the vibrant, experimental, fun sex life I want to share with the person I love. I don't want an affair - I don't want random sex with someone I don't care about I want to share the pleasures and intimacies of a physical relationship with the man I love.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's actually more painful and upsetting limping along having occasional awkward sex than it would be to just stop altogether. At least if we just said "no more sex" I would feel the constant rejection and disappointed hope and expectation.

We have 2 small children. I don't want to end my marriage. He is a great father and a great husband in every other way. He just can't make me happy because he doesn't care about sex and cannot relate to how I feel about it.

Please tell me what to do. I've suggested counselling but I think I would be too ashamed and humiliated to say to someone face to face "my husband isn't attracted to me".

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent or otherwise I will be crying at my desk.

If you're going to bother to post at least read my responses or it's quite boring for everyone else as well as me.

My concluding post from yesterday expressed precisely what my plans are and after focusing on getting myself in shape so I feel better generally the second point was precisely that.

HE instigated sex last night. HE instigated the discussion last night. Not me.

Woah! I did read that post, and didn't get that vibe at all. However, as you were, glad I bothered

So you read my post saying I thought it was a good idea to (quote) "Forget about sex for a while completely" as "op isn't interested to hear advice on backing off".

Oh I'm glad that conversation went well. He does sound lovely and he does sound concerned. These steps sound good - hopefully you'll see some change.

I agree with you that it can sometimes seem like a power play - the less sexed partner gets to decide when you do it. During the time dh and i had difficulties Sometimes I would agree to sex if he initiated it not coz I wanted to but because it only happened once in a blue moon and I was determined to get a chance.

As for the bikini thing I assume it was recent which is why the pain. Have you been able to talk to him about that? Once, I was dressed nicely, seductively blah blah when DH came out the bathroom and started talking about poo etc.. I was mortified and swore to myself I will never iniate anything again. However time has passed, we've talked about it, 'someone forgot to flush' (it was a childs not mine!) has become a byword for pissing me off.

It is difficult but if he's rebuffals are gentle and honest, (and not too often) then try and turn them into something to laugh over together. It sounds like he loves you and desires you very much.

God you sound like bloody hard work to me OP. I really feel sorry for your husband. Backing off will give the poor bugger a rest from your demands. I would find you absolutely unbearable and needy.

I am glad he doesn't share your view Ike.

See op I mentioned way way up thread about past history of physical abuse in childhood affecting feelings about being touched and bodily autonomy. I said it could be that he found you attractive but wasn't responding or initiating or seeming interested because he didn't want to be touched precisely because physical abuse as a child impinges on your bodily autonomy and that many people suppress their feelings which leads to anxiousness and depression until they are safe and happy when it starts coming out.

I am interested why you have poo-pooed his explanation of not wanting to be touched because what I mentioned is one reason. There are others too.

Finding out why he doesn't want to be touched is one problem.

The other problem is you needing sex as stress relief.

Sometimes he just doesn't feel like being touched - he wants me to be there with him but he wants some physical autonomy. This surprised me a great deal because he is invariably very tactile with wanting foot rubs and back tickles and whatnot literally all the time so I'm not actually sure it's true in fact

He seems to be quite articulate and able to express his needs quite clearly. He may in the past have accepted more intimacy than he genuinely needed or wanted but now he is telling you 'I want some physical autonomy'. He has made that absolutely clear. Your response? 'I'm not sure if I believe you'.

Alright you haven't actually said that to him, but you're thinking it. You did not listen to him. You complain that he doesn't talk but there's no point if you don't listen.

I feel an inequality in the way we appreciate each other and I don't like how that makes me feel

This is the crux of the matter. You are a physical being, he is not. You give him what you would like to receive (lots of physical contact, compliments, appreciation, etc.) He gives you what he would like to receive (space, physical autonomy, verbal assurances, etc.) Someone upthread has already mentioned Love Languages, did you look it up?

The more I read, the more I think that this man just cannot give you what you want. I think you are just both too incompatible and no-one is at fault.

Good luck, OP

You sound like a strong woman who expresses herself in clear terms. Nothing wrong with that.

I was going to come back and reiterate again how I felt "bikini-gate" must have been bloody awful for you, and that is was not normal for him to react the way he did, at that time, bearing in mind it was a special evening when intimacy was (as you were led to believe) very much on the agenda

but you have done an excellent job of laying that one to rest on your own thread, which is just as it should be

all the best, and I hope you both get to feel a bit happier about things in general with the plans you have put in place x

Actually offred that post of yours was a real stand out one for me and I discussed it with him. He was interested too and it may go some way to explaining the "only on his terms" thing. What I said was I was surprised because he had never mentioned it before. And he is extremely tactile and always wants to be close on the sofa etc. I also wasnt sure if I was getting the whole truth. Just a feeling. He sometimes struggles to identify the impulses behind his feelings and articulate them. He finds it easier in writing.

Fairenuff has it spot on. Which is why I would personally find the op overbearing and not necessarily a strong woman but needy.

Crikey poor bugger is tactile has sex 3-4 times a month, works, helps around the house is trying to express his feelings...OP you have got to give this guy some credit!

You've made your point, ike

I mean, really, if your husband was a woman describing her experiences on here she would have all the sympathy in the world from fellow mumsnetters!

He never wants space fairenuff.

He wants to be with me all the time. Drives me nuts sometimes. He rarely wants to go out and just wants snuggled on the sofa. I can sit down for five minutes without a request for a knee rub or head massage. That's why I was surprised. But as I said maybe the difference is that it's on his terms at his instigation.

Thanks AnyFucker and it may not be your point or the OP's but as Fairenuff has pointed out in a very insightful way.. to be confronted by your partner crying and distraught because they feel you are not giving enough sexually or emotionally, when you are actually giving to your capacity, is very damaging to HIS self esteem.

I've never had an issue with him not giving enough emotionally or in any other way aside from sexually. And once again don't bother to comment if you don't read my posts in particular the ones where I give him masses of credit for all sorts of things.

OP You do sound very self centred and lacking in understanding and empathy about male sexuality.

When you said that you wanted your DH too "compromise" on the sex, how would that come over here if it were a man posting? In other words, he'd be asking his DW to have sex even when she wasn't really in the mood?

You might have an Oxbridge degree, but you sure lack empathy in this.

Taking your top off in the pool to a man who has MH issues and low libido is cruel- it's almost emotional abuse IMO- as if you are saying "C'mon- I'm yours- why are you waiting?" It's flaunting and taunting.
Why are you so surprised he turned his back? Could it not be because he is deeply unhappy, and his self worth is suffering by the way you keep rubbing his nose in his lack of libido?

How would you feel as a woman if you had low libido linked to MH medication and your DH whipped his cock out in the swimming pool as if to say "Get a load of this love!" Pretty crap, I think.

Loving someone means being loving to them- not just asking for love/sex back and being so demanding.

Obviously physical contact is very important in your relationship. I would find being pestered by my husband for a knee rub (what's that?!) and cuddles and a head massage all the time very tiring, especially after a tiring day at work. Equally, you would like to have more gazing into the eyes, adoration in terms of him really fancying you if you dress up/wear sexy stuff, and sex in general.

I think that's why some of us (ok me) might be puzzled by this, it's simply a greater amount of touching and physicality that many many relationships have, but it's not enough or the right type of touching for either of you.

I guess more conversations and perhaps counselling is the best way forward. I was the one who posted the Love Languages link, it may be helpful, although your more recent posts make me think that you are not really truthful with each other about what you want and need physically, or very accepting of what the other can offer (he sounds equally demanding, but in a different way). If he ask for a back-rub, do you say 'no, I'm tired?' or do you give in and do it even though you are exhausted and then not understand why he can't make the effort to have sex in a similar way, perhaps?

Your post is unbelievably demeaning and offensive. Not to me. To my husband. He is not some gibbering basket case just let out of the asylum castrated by his crippling emotional problems!

He has had therapy for his childhood abuse, has been on stable meds for 3 years, is a capable father, hard working and efficient self employed tradesman and robustly opinionated husband.

But if you prefer your fantasy picture dont let reality stand in your way...

Very interesting thread, thanks OP. I have been having similar discussions with my DH (the reverse situation). My DH would happily have sex once a day, whereas we actually have sex once or twice a week, always at DHs instigation (although I do enjoy it, once we get going!). It has been fascinating to read your viewpoint (which is essentially identical to my DHs), and has given me a lot to think about.

Btw, I think its great your DH is prepared to work on things, he sounds like a good guy. Good luck.

I heartily recommend a book called the sex starved marriage, can't remember the author but you should be able to find it on Amazon.

Urgh "male sexuality"...

Good God, why on earth would anyone think this bloke had been the victim of (almost) emotional abuse and cruelty ??

I did not get that impression at all