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Original poster

Is this strange or normal being on a dating site?

95 replies

GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 11:47

After my last post 'Whats wrong with me I cant get a date' well I managed to get a few dates. The last one being the one where we both agreed we would like to see eachother again.
We text and he rang every day and said how comfortable he felt, how beautiful I was and how he had been on the dating site 10 months and never felt like he had ever wanted a second date.
Anyway I also felt comfortable and was eager to see him again, we arranged to meet again near to where I lied which cost him both times as he had to cross the bridge, that wasnt a problem as he insisted he drove.
The second date was lovely and we chatted lots and he complimented me lots.
When he left he said we will sort out saturday so I agreed anyway I said let me drive to you this time and he said I will call you tomorrow to arrange. The next day a message to say hey sorry been busy call you later, no call?
I rang no answer. I text about 10pm saying hey all ok? If tomorrow is a problem its cool I will make other plans, just let me know. He text and said my phone has been on silent. I do like you but I feel your pressuring me. Im not ready for anything serious.
Wow! What did I do?
Anyway I said no pressure at all, you were the one organising the dates. He said true but he feels pressured. He then said I do like you but not ready for serious. I just said ok then hope you find what your looking for and he said can we keep intouch? I said we both know we cant just be friends, best not to and he said ok, good luck too.
I have no clue what I did. He said I was beautiful, lovely, good company, sent lovely tets to see how I was. Is this strange or normal, I have no clue what to feel about this dating site.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 11:54

From what you say here, that wasn't about you and what you did, that is all about what is going on in his head/life. You can't do much about that. Finding a partner is so much about luck dictating if all the jigsaw pieces are ready to fall into place and liking each other is just one of them. The rest, such as baggage, emotional issues, availability, compatibility of goals etc are just some of the others.

Let it go as a, sadly, nearly-right-thing.

mirry2 · 05/08/2012 11:54

Was it because you said you would drive to where he lived? Do you know where he lived? Perhaps he has a wife and kids there.

Leverette · 05/08/2012 11:56

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:02

Yeah Jenner this is very true and to find all of those things is very difficult, just seemed we had been through the same, wanted the same. He kinda ticked my boxes, I obviously didnt tick his, not sure which ones as he said he liked me.
mirry He has been separated 18 months. We spoke alot about our past and what we wanted. They have just sold the family home and he lives with family, so he said that could be a problem but I said no I didnt mean come to your home just nearer to you as it was costing alot for him to cross the bridge in his van. He seemed very honest and genuine, I had no reason to think he would be lying.

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:04

He wasn't necessarily lying - he more than likely just changed his mind, got cold feet etc. It does happen, it doesn't make him a bad person, perhaps he's just not ready for the realities of dating.

Nothing you did. It happens. Chalk it up, move on Smile

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 12:07

Well in all honesty, he was right to put the brakes on if he isn't ready for serious. It sounds like you are looking for a full-time relationship so if he isn't better he takes a step back now than when you are saying 'i love you' and he can't say it back.

OK so the 'feeling pressured' thing is possibly a bit unfair as not coming from you, but if he knows you want something he isn't going to give and he is a straight up honest guy then he in a way, he might feel that though not down to how you behave. It may just be he, like many of us, clumsily explained his reasons, but ultimately he has stepped back and that is the decent thing to do if you aren't wanting where it is going like the other person.

solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2012 12:07

Yup, he's probably got more than one woman in his life. Don't worry about it; online dating means working your way through a few naff ones before finding a good one.

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 12:07

blimey what rotten punctuation, hope you can even read that, sorry!

Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:07

Leverette I honestly dont think he was. Im trying not to think about it, just makes you feel a little shitty.
tea no I know it doesnt make him a bad person, just trying to understand it as this is all new to me. Thanks, I will try!

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:10

Was this a free or a paid site? I only ask because ime you are marginally more likely to meet people who are serious about finding a long-term relationship on paid sites. The subscription fees tend to weed out the chancers. It's not a guarantee by any means, but worth considering.

Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:13

Jenner ha yes I read it ok thanks :) yeah this is true. Thanks, I think your right, he has done the better thing I guess.
solid yeah true, not sure Im cut out for it to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:16

Thanks tea it was a free site. There are lots and lots of guys that are quite open on there in what they are looking for, this guy was different. The genuine ones are very few and far between. I might try a paid one, this has knocked my confidence a little though.

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:21

Try not to let it knock your confidence. Don't read too much into what he said. I bet you this has happened to every single person who's ever put a profile up online. It certainly happened to me, and if I'm really honest I probably did it, or something like it, to other people as well. You can go out and have a really nice date with someone and genuinely like them but when it comes to the crunch you just don't want to take it any further. He perhaps didn't phrase it very well but I'm sure that's all it was.

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 12:22

I hear E-Harmony is much more for serious relationship seekers and is massively successful in USA, however relatively newer here so not sure how much of a pool of people they have - haven't used it myself, so just going off reputation.

It is disheartening to see so many people seeking shallow encounters when you are looking for the realdeal. Makes it seem even more lonely I think. However there are plenty of people also looking for the same and pragmatically the internet is the quickest way of trying to reach out to them. As with anything though it has its pro's and cons.

Good luck with your search, you sound nice and at least one chap thinks you are beautiful and that is no bad thing! Take it as a confidence booster that you are indeed and attractive catch for someone and keep looking. :)

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 12:27

Re the paying vs free sites argument, I've found this makes no difference. Same shite, different wrapping whether it's POF, GDFF, match or Times/Observer dating pages. And hidden gems on all sites too. Same as real life, money doesn't prevent people from being fuckwits.

I also agree you did nothing wrong but personally I would let the guy do all the running for the first few dates while I got the measure of him. That's just me though.

Chandon · 05/08/2012 12:28

You did nothing "wrong" as such.

but you did call him (after he said he'd call you, though he didn't) AND texted him.

I would have done neither. If someone says they'll call me but then don't, I would not chase them but instead make other arrangements (going out with a friend). But then I am very (too?) proud.

Like I say, you did nothing wrong. but my take on men is that they like to do the chasing. Stupid and archaic as that sounds.

To my mind he is acting like a typical bloke...

Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:32

Thanks tea yeah I know what you mean, didnt look at it like that, its true.
Aw thankyou Jenner :) Yeah it does make things seem a little more lonely. Im gonna have a little bit of time and then maybe have another look!
Thanks all for the advice its helped :) was feeling quite disheartened today, gonna dust myself off now :)

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:32

I did say it wasn't a guarantee! And anyway, even if someone does genuinely want a long-term relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll want one with you... (not 'you' specifically OP Grin)

teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:34

That was to numberlock btw, god am slow posting today

Best of luck OP, dust yourself off, go out and have fun, don't take it too seriously and who knows what could happen?

Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:36

I did let him do the chasing as such Number
I know what your saying Chandon my cousin gave me the book of rules ha! I know I shouldnt of called or text but I just thought if someone says their gonna do something and they havnt I deserved to be told, I would rather be told than ignored. If I hadnt of called and he didnt call the next day, it would of drove me bonkers not knowing why.

OP posts:
Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 12:38

Thanks tea :)

OP posts:
Concentrateonthegood · 05/08/2012 12:47

Hi OP, all very normal in my experience which is why I hate internet dating. I'm just back on it again after trying to date someone I met in real life and it affects all of my insecurities. Talking to a really nice bloke, supposed to be meeting on Tuesday and I've woken today feeling like a wobble of emotion and misery. Mostly because he was silent last night after constant attention for the last week. We've chatted every evening then last night got one text saying, "just cause i'm not texting doesn't mean i'm not thinking about you". Nothing after that. I know (almost sure) he was on a date and he has every right to do that but to be back again to texting and calling this morning just doesn't feel right to me. I really don't want to go and meet him on Tuesday because of this. This is just not a natural way to meet people and the more I do it, the more strongly I feel about it.

Take it from me, you've done nothing wrong, you have not pressurised him, he's just one of a number of dating twats. Concentrate on someone else that is after the same aims as you and I wish you good luck.

Original poster
GemsAngels · 05/08/2012 13:00

Aw Concentrateonthegood I know exactly how you feel. I thought it was just me. Sometimes I will sit there thinking why am I putting myself through this. All I know is if I dont then its gonna be more difficult to meet anyone.
I hope you do meet this guy, you wont know otherwise.
Thankyou :) good luck to you too :)

OP posts:
Concentrateonthegood · 05/08/2012 13:11

Hiya Gems, to add to my misery, this morning I sat and documented all of my dating history since splitting up with my long term ex 9 years ago. God, there must be something wrong with me to have been taken in by so much. Trouble is, I'm a bit of a "what you see is what you get" person and I naively think everyone is on the level.

Funny thing is there is a guy at work that internet dates. We share stories and complain about the same things so I think there are woman that treat decent men badly also. Pity we don't have that elusive spark as we get on so well as friends.

I've learnt a lot through Mumsnet though. If you could see my nickname history and all my horror stories.......

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 13:18

Concentrate - just interested to know why you are so sure he was on a date last night? In your shoes I would still go on Tuesday, it can just be a quick first meet. You can't tell without meeting someone In the real world whether they are genuine or not. If you are, understandably, not feeling the best about the Internet dating thing right now, ŷou may be reading too much into last night. You could also be spot on but I would still meet him for the sake of an hour out of my life.