Is this strange or normal being on a dating site?

[GemsAngels]

After my last post 'Whats wrong with me I cant get a date' well I managed to get a few dates. The last one being the one where we both agreed we would like to see eachother again.
We text and he rang every day and said how comfortable he felt, how beautiful I was and how he had been on the dating site 10 months and never felt like he had ever wanted a second date.
Anyway I also felt comfortable and was eager to see him again, we arranged to meet again near to where I lied which cost him both times as he had to cross the bridge, that wasnt a problem as he insisted he drove.
The second date was lovely and we chatted lots and he complimented me lots.
When he left he said we will sort out saturday so I agreed anyway I said let me drive to you this time and he said I will call you tomorrow to arrange. The next day a message to say hey sorry been busy call you later, no call?
I rang no answer. I text about 10pm saying hey all ok? If tomorrow is a problem its cool I will make other plans, just let me know. He text and said my phone has been on silent. I do like you but I feel your pressuring me. Im not ready for anything serious.
Wow! What did I do?
Anyway I said no pressure at all, you were the one organising the dates. He said true but he feels pressured. He then said I do like you but not ready for serious. I just said ok then hope you find what your looking for and he said can we keep intouch? I said we both know we cant just be friends, best not to and he said ok, good luck too.
I have no clue what I did. He said I was beautiful, lovely, good company, sent lovely tets to see how I was. Is this strange or normal, I have no clue what to feel about this dating site.

gems me neither :)

As to finding someone through a shared interest, my main interests are crap reality TV and shopping. I'm not sure any straight men will share those

I am going to be single for the next 40 years...

Its difficult with shared interests as I only get so much spare time and I like zumba, full of women.
I did think maybe a running club, cant run but hey I could try :)
Up until now I had hope, today Iv lost all hope :(

I've got a few friends who've been going through similar experiences with dating sites and have now (wisely I think) concluded that it's not for them.

I think the whole concept is flawed and the sense of rejection it creates can be very damaging especially for people who are dating because their previous relationship ended against their wishes. It compounds low self-esteem and it can be very hurtful to keep being rejected, however much people accept that it's better to know early on rather than waste people's time.

The reason I think the concept is flawed is because it treats romantic and sexual relationships as 'different' to other relationships or friendships, where we aren't so reliant on a first impression. In work relationships and friendships, the rapport develops at a natural pace and we don't feel compelled to make an instant judgement about whether to pursue a friendship or not. We take our time, don't rely on a first impression and critically, we don't necessarily tell people that we don't think we're compatible.

My friends have also found that there are loads of men on sites who are dishonest about their personal circumstances (I think the man in the OP hasn't been truthful, for example) and that some men treat internet dating as an extension of their porn experience. My bemused friends have received more cock photos than they could ever need or want and in the early days of dating, more requests for pornified sex (including violence) than they were ever expecting. One friend is so bruised by the internet dating experience that she has entered therapy .

Charbon that doesn't surprise me sadly.

I started this process with a great deal of self esteem, my last relationship was one where I was loved and adored unreservedly (it ended for complicated reasons but my self esteem was huge - whilst I didnt think I would ever meet anyone I would love as deeply, I believed I was so wonderful and such a prize that men would be falling over themselves to date me). The reality is 4 years on, I've never had a second date. I don't know why, other than that men are shit. But the continual rejection is hard to deal with, and my best friend told me recently she feels my self esteem is far lower now than it ever was...

My bemused friends have received more cock photos than they could ever need or want

Same here, Charbon, always makes me wonder why the fuck anyway thinks that sending a pic of their cock is in any way endearing/attractive/a turn-on.

"Wow, a cock! Never seen one of them before!"

Plus I think there's a whole crowd of the "Bored at Work Brigade", messages only ever sent during office hours and no intention of ever meeting in the real world. For whatever reason.

Charbon you are definitely spot on and this is exactly how it makes me feel but am told by others that you ae on a dating site thats how it works, so I have come to the conclusion, that yes is to be expected and maybe I should harden up, but not going to put myself through any more of it.
Im sorry to hear about your friends experiences, thats really sad.

Hate - apologies if I've missed this, but can I ask what age you are? I'm 44 and have found the situation to be the same since I re-joined the dating world a year ago.

It was totally different when I started doing internet dating ten years ago when I first divorced. I had lots of dates, lots of second dates and even a couple of relationships. (But then maybe internet dating has moved on since then, not just my age.)

I would also put myself in the same category as you, all past relationships have ended amicably, no self-esteem issues.

I've also knocked the whole thing on the head.

At least if somebody sends you a picture of their cock you don't have to waste your time & money arranging a babysitter to go out and meet them ad then realise..... they are a cock.

I agree with chabon. I can imagine that in a work situation or a friend of a friend situation people (whom I would consider unattractive at first glance) would over time grow on me.

although saying that,in four years no friend has EVER introduced me to their male single friend .......... they must know that their husbands' single friends wouldn't fancy me. I guess this only happens to conventionally pretty and younger women. NObody races to fix up a woman inher early forties I am afraid, so the next time somebody says to me 'oh the way to meet somebody is through friends' i am a bit scared I will snap at them that "no, clearly, it is not."

OkOkOK - yes, it's called the Propinquity effect.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Propinquity#Propinquity_effect

hatesponge Iv had to build my self esteem after my marriage fell apart. I watched him move on nicely with his life while mine kind of fell apart. It took me a good 18 months. Then I found OD!! My friend thinks my self esteem is better, Im not so sure when it comes to men.

in four years no friend has EVER introduced me to their male single friend

This has happened to me twice (same friend introduced me to two guys over a period of a few years and we dated for a while). Sadly neither went well so I would be very reluctant about dating friends of friends in future.

Numberlock I recently turned 40 39 for dating site purposes as I know many men only look for women under 40.

I think tbh dating sites are mostly crap whatever age you are. Some of the younger girls in my office (late 20s) are on them, and only ever seem to end up with brief relationships of a few weeks duration, so better than I do, but not much really!

I have to say, i do agree. Im 33 ( almost 34) and have internet dated for 3 years. Ive had about 60 ish dates, less than 5 of those turned into second dates.
To get to those 60 dates, ive had men cancel at the last min, mess me about, change their minds, a ton of cock pics, men who dont want to meet, men who are rude, who are nasty. All in all its not good, and then you have a date and get rejected for some unknown reason, by a baffoon of a man you wouldnt have looked twice at anyway. But it still hurts to think you cant even pull someone like that.

I have now met someone, and it was online, and its early days, but should it not work out i dont think i would be able to bring myself to online date again, its hideous and frankly soul dystroying.

However, options for meeting people are harder than people think, the usual advice is ' get a hobby' or ' go out more' but if you are a lone parent, this is sometimes harder than people think. People have busy lives, but she volume of people online dating has led to a kind of disposable way to view people, accepting or rejecting based on nothing, or someting that has caught their eye in another isle a day later. Hence its the same old faces on there year after year.

Thanks for that link. I didn't know it had a name. I definitely need people to get to know me before they like me! I need that 'advantage' but I'm not meeting any group of people regularly. MEN specifically.

sponge - so true. girl in my boyfriends office, mid 20's very very pretty, nice girl ( have met her) is having an awful time with online dating and feels that men only want her for sex. Shes not got anywhere with it in 2 years.

Do men not want relationships nowadays then?

Do you think you can make your profile reflect that you are not going to be an easy 'lay' so that the few people who do approach you like your humour/have read the same books, also want to go to machu pichu blah blah you get the picture!!

OkOk I dont think so, because 95% of men don't read your profile. I used to specifically say in my profile that I wasn't looking for a one-night stand it made not a jot of difference.

Every man I encounter assumes I'm an easy lay. It was auggested on another thread thats because of the way I dress and the fact I wear too much make up , but changing my photos to more 'modest' ones made no difference either!

Then I'd step out of it for now hatesponge and is what I advised my friends to do too. Like your friend, I could see how much this was messing with their heads and the awful thing is that they are all intelligent, funny women who are successful in so many areas of their lives, but almost despite their rational selves, the constant rejections have led to them feeling like 'failures'.

I also wonder though whether you had an unrealistic view of why your previous relationship ended and whether this has in a strange way, set you up to fail? You said you were loved and adored unreservedly, but the relationship ended? I only say that because another friend (who didn't do internet dating) believed all that too, when the rest of us knew that her ex-partner was emotionally unavailable, didn't really love her but didn't want to look like a cad when he wouldn't commit to her. If he'd been as honest with her as he was with others about why, I think she might have worked on aspects of her personality that he and others since have found troublesome. He did that whole 'If things were different, I'd be with you' speech, while telling others something different. I think it would have been a kinder act on his part to have told the truth, because she's done the same things in subsequent relationships and keeps getting the same results. Unfortunately, she's got the original man on such a pedestal, that she won't even entertain the idea that he wasn't honest with her.

sponge is right on the stats there, most dont read your profile, they go by the picture, even if that picture is the most demure thing going, it means nothing. Most of them view you as a women, who wants to date, so clearly wants cock.

anything you do, or dont write means nothing.

Ive gone as far as having a pictureless profile, still got lots of messages, of the same style....

I think men do want relationships, but most of the treat onlien dating like a hobby, some kind of entertainment, with the aim being some kind of physical reward if they can get it.

charbon, funnily enough I have just said on another thread that I have given it all up :) Will be deleting my various profiles later I think.

Re my last relationship, I was actually the one who ended it. It's a long story, but I know he loved me just as I was. He had lots of faults, but having spent a long time prior to that in an abusive relationship being treated like utter crap, I am very grateful to him for giving me back my self belief and making me realise I was special (previous Ex having spent years telling me I was nothing :()

Good decision Hatesponge.

Yes, curiously enough it was my friend who ended the relationship too with the original man, but she never would have done that if he'd been able to commit to her properly so it wasn't really her choice IYSWIM and more an act of self-preservation I think. He just didn't tell her the truth about why he wouldn't commit so she continues to think that it was just circumstances and that in another life, they would have been perfect together. He's not a bad man, but he's not very honest with the women in his life and in this case, has created an entirely false and damaging legacy that has held my friend back.

Unfortunately, even when we point out the inconsistencies without attacking him as a person, our friend still wants to believe what he told her. Some of her other friends who don't know the situation as well as those of us closest to her, go along with her version not because they believe it necessarily (in fact I know some of them don't) but because they can't be honest with her either. Fortunately she has said that she knows our doubts come from a good place and because we love her, but it's been very difficult at times.

So, the sites where you have to pay (eg guardian soulmates) and,,,,, I can't think of any others, are they any better do you think?

OkOkOk - So, the sites where you have to pay (eg guardian soulmates) and,,,,, I can't think of any others, are they any better do you think?

Not in my opinion no. Same situation on paying and free sites in my experience.

Not just with regards to the cock shots and just wanting a shag thing, but in the amount of men with emotional baggage (hate that word but can't think of anything more suitable).

Do men not want relationships nowadays then?

Gems - I'm coming round to that point of view, actually. Either happy to stick to porn with a bit of sexting thrown in and no doubt if they message enough girls with their cock shots, I'm sure some will give them what they want. Which is maybe why some people never get second dates, perhaps the guys are using the first 'date' to screen women and when they find out they want relationships, not just a fuck buddy, they don't bother to get in touch again. That's supposition though, I dunno.