who is my DH, totally devasted over 6 months what started as an affair script progresses to an admission to prostitution...

[confusedriver]

I am under the username greyriver and confusedriver

Right now I feel sick, cant sleep, and I currently wondering who the f*ck my DH is. We met at school, best friends, been together 16 years. 2 beautiful and highly sensitive DC (8and4)

Got the affair script in feb after posting this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

what a mug I was.

The admits to an emotional affair after I have been digging around.

Week later of me trying (around valentines) to make an effort we have a weekend away. We wake up and he is crying saying what has he done. He ambits to a full blown affair.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1410333-so-he-is-having-an-

I try and be strong and ask him to leave. He finishes the affair, after messing around for a week between me and her whilst he is away staying at friends etc.

He says he wants to go to counselling to help us both, but we don't.

A month later after lots of talks and research and reading various books etc we are getting on amazingly. And 4 months down the line I happen to notice an escort agency on his phone. I thought it was porn, alarm bells ring as he promises me it was just a laugh in the office between friends.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1505934-4-months-post-affair-and-I-have-found-porn-in-dh-web-history-on-phone-from-today

Found the same site on his phone again this week. went on it and it took me 5 mins to hack the account, figure his log in and password.

Mortified is not the word | find a history and in his inbox is a booking from 2010 when he called a prostitute to his room, whilst away in a hotel.

He was sobbing saying he has a problem, he spoke to one yesterday he doesn't know why, chatted for around 2-3 mins and when she asked about meeting he got scared backed off and left it there.

He said its not about sex, he doesn't get turned on by speaking to these women and he doesn't understand why he does it as after he has spoke to them he feels sick with remorse, shame and guilt. He couldn't even ejaculate with the woman he met in feb 2010 (so he claims)

he said he has spoken to maybe 20 women this year, and done nothing with any of them as he backs off last minute.

He said he wants counselling, he loves me wants me, our sex is fantastic, he said why I do this i just don't know, but I love you and the kids more than anything in this world and I want help and counselling to give you all the life you deserve.

I asked him to leave last night. He has been texting me since.

Please someone, I just cant bear anymore. And when I look at my childrens face I want to break down, and feel I am going to internally combust

:(

that was long, thank you if you are still with it :(

I have no advice I'm afraid there are a lot of Truely wise women on here that will (hopefully) be able to offer some advice but all I can do right now is not read and run.

The only bit of advice I can offer is in your relationship you need to do what is right for you. It's heartbreaking when it hurts your children but it will damage them more down the line if you and your DH are in an unhappy relationship. That's not saying 'leave the bastard' but think about what's best for you, kids are remarkably resilient.

Very unMNy hugs!

(((hugs))) honey. As I'm sure you know, you've come to the right place for hands to hold while you deal with the shock of discovering that your h has something of Jekyll & Hyde personality.

He does have a problem and, contrary to what he's saying, it is about sex.

Has he moved out? He needs to live elsewhere so that you have the time and space to process your thoughts.

He also needs to get the ball rolling to wean himself off his addiction, and the only way he'll do this is if you stand firm and make it clear that this is a dealbreaker.

He needs to get the message that he doesn't get any more chances until he's shown that he does love you and the dc more than anything else in the world, and he can only do this by proving he has the moral courage and character to change his ways.

Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened. Just wanted you to know someone was up and reading...

Well, it looks to me like the choices you have are:

1. To continue to tolerate this outrageous behavior
2. End the relationship.

The third option, which is for him to see the error of his ways and stop doing it really isn't on the table at this point. A one off affair is something that might be work through-able with enough effort, but this really is a concerted effort to seek sex with other women, perpetrated over many years.

Do you think you could ever see him in the same light again?

FWIW, I had a relationship like this a long time ago (No DCs though). I eventually realised that it wasn't about the sex for him, but the feeling of power and control that came from having 'one over' one me.

So disrespectful, and not fixable in my case. What do you actually want the outcome to be?

Thank u ladies, I have asked him to leave (yesterday when I found out)

What on earth do I tell the children? Daddy's working away?

The thought is unbearable

Cake I want the outcome to be waking and realising this is some terrible dream. I have too much grief to even think about outcomes, I can't process what's going on in my life, and I am going to struggle enormously when I see my beautiful dc faces when I collect them this morning, good god we have just got home from an amazing family holiday FFS we got on so well :(

He was so affectionate and loving and caring. We had such a laugh.

So sorry confused but my feeling is you need to leave him. How many times can you continue to pass his bullshit off and continue trying to make it work, it never will not with only one of you trying, evidently he is not. IMO you've made the right decision in asking him to leave.

Look into your children's faces and draw strength from the fact you are doing this for them too. They need a strong, happy mummy not one who is demoralised, depressed and forced by their own father to accept totally disgusting behaviour because he is too selfish and weak to stop it.

He's had an actual affair before, I don't believe for one minute that he's only had contact with one prostitute, sorry but I think the fact he said it was only one and that he didn't cum is a smokescreen to take the severity of the truth away.
There's many many agency sites, not to mention real ones you can just walk into in any city.
Get yourself tested for STI's as a matter of urgency, I would.

He has two faces, honey. The one he shows to the Maddona that is you, and the one he shows women he considers to be whores.

It remains to be seen whether his professed love for you and your dc is greater than his addiction to them.

All you can do is keep him away from your home and take each day as it comes.

Tell the dc that daddy's working away from home for a while and he'll be phoning them soon.

There's no need for you to make any hard and fast decisions at the moment but do please take dondon's advice and get yourself tested for stis next week as its highly unlikely that he's been unable to perform with the prostitutes he's visited - and there will be considerably more than one lady of the night who's had the pleasure of his money.

I would also suggest that you make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour consultation because knowing your legal entitlements should you decide that enough is enough will empower you.

Is he really claiming he calls prostitutes but hasn't had sex with one since 2010? Do you believe that? He's a serial liar and has no intention of being faithful :( he has put your health at risk by having sex with prostitutes and then you. He has never been honest, you have had to drag the truth put of him (and still only have a % of it)
I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but your only option is to kick him out. Otherwise you condemn yourself to a miserable existence of lies, paranoia, anxiety and mistrust.

I can empathise with that feeling of wishing the whole thing not to be happening.

I'd take that as an indication that you haven't quite come to terms with the full enormity of the situation (and there's nothing wrong with that).

Why don't you just take some time out to think about what to do? It will make him face up to the consequences of his actions and give you some headspace.

Its your H who has done this to his family, not you. Furthermore, in doing so, he has lost any right to dictate how things go from here, and on who's timescales.

Take back some power and make the entitled knobber see what he's done

Oh god, I am so sorry - I know what a struggle it has been for you trying to come to terms with the affair, but this latest revelation must be so shocking and devastating for you.

I know that if it was me, there would have been no way of coming back from this - buying sex really is the worst kind of cheating, it shows what a warped view of women he has.

Its good that he has left - you will need space on your own to work out what you want. I would get some legal advice as well as getting tested for STDs.

Take care x

Sorry this is horrible horrible situation for you.I just wanted to add that I worked with a fun, happy guy that had a great wife and 2dcs but regularly cheated on her and used prostitutes.if she found clues to either, he always explained himself away.mean while, he let everyone at work know how much extra curricular "fun" he was having. I am sorry but I do nor believe he will ever give you the truth and no way has he had 20 contacts but only one encounter.I too struggled with my DC not having daddy at home, but they deserve a happy mummy and thus a genuine home x

Please fully open your eyes - however much terrible pain you are in.

It's vital you really see what's in front of you here.

He HAS had sex with prosititutes.

He DOES know why he called them

He has joined an escort agency for the reason ALL men who join escort agencies do so - for SEX with PROSTITUTES

He HAS lied to you several times in the past

He WILL lie to you again

He WILL continue to cheat on you

He WILL continue to see prostitutes

My blood is literally boiling at the shit he has put you through and the pathetic lies he's currently telling you - he's spoken to 20 escorts but 'done nothing with them'! Seriously, does even 1% of you REALLY believe this??

If you decide to stay (I fervently hope you won't to save yourself years of pain, humiliation, confusion and cruel, vain hope) then please at least see the truth.

Who cares anymore who he really is, why he's like this, how he could seemingly change from perfect husband to a cheating bastard (actually I agree with Izzy - it's Madonna/whore complex)...who cares anymore?

I believe in staying together for the children and trying to save marriages for the children - but not in your case becuase your mental health and physical health is being put at risk because of your h. And it will be better in the long run for your kids to leave rather than living with a mother who has become a nervous, distracted, depressed wreck.

xx

I think you need to drop contact with him for a while and tell the DCs that Mum and Dad have decided to live in different places but they'll be seeing him soon. You need some time to assimilate the information and it has to be without him being in your face. He's clearly capable of being very persuasive and exploiting the fact that you are the forgiving type and still have feelings for him. That's how he has lived such a double life for so long. The only 'cure' when you're with someone like that is time and distance. Then you can start to think straight without interference.... break the spell if you like.

Good luck

You must feel like you have been run over by a bus. He has had an affair and been visiting prostitutes also.

You need some space and time away from him. Ask him to stay away for as long as you think you need. If he can afford prostitutes he can afford a travel lodge!

I think if you can get someone else to have the DC too for a few days so you can just concentrate fully on yourself also.

Do you have family or friends? You need support and help. If you feel you need some help from the doctor for a while to take the hard edge off the pain then don't be afraid to go to them and ask for help.

Dear god he says he has spoken to 20 women this year! How many has he spoken to or more over the last few years. This doesn't sound like it is going to be just one or two.

How has he paid for this? Do they just chat for free?

Please get yourself to an STI clinic as soon as you can. Condoms do not protect you from everything.

I would not look at considering a relationship with your H until he has taken massive steps and undertaken whatever is possible to prove he has changed. If you let him back after a few tears with a few promises you will be back here.

Look after yourself for the next few days. Then you and your DC.

/hugs

Blimey OP, what a story. My personal view is you've done as much as you can, you've put up with far more than most of us would. Let him go and get help but he probably needs to leave the family home while he sorts himself out. If he manages that, what you do about taking him back would be entirely for you both to agree on at some point in the future. Good luck.

He did say he was very drunk when he called the escort and thats why he struggled. But he never struggled in that way with me after a drink, and if he was that drunk he surely wouldn't have had the coherency to get her number from a website on his blackberry ??? Why am i so confused and not seething with rage? Why do I want to ring him and keep asking questions ( I haven't done yet)

Pushing ds on the swing reminds me of all four is us taking it in turns all summer, the shed is full of his stuff, the bathroom has all his stuff, I can't bear to see his shoes I've had to hide them, the kids summer house has their heights on he put there.

This is so bad

He also said he thinks he has this addiction to porn mildly, because he doesn't carry the act out, he said its he intrigue of speaking to these women.

Am I fooling myself? He said he has rang two people since the affair blew up and I gave him another chance, he said that's In the last 6 months. I am looking for a reason to make this new revelation better but there isn't one is there?

You're not seething with rage because it hasn't sunk in yet, you still want to see the best in him and he's feeding that wish with his twisted excuses and lies. You have to stop listening to his rubbish, cut all contact and take time to think now about how to make the best life for yourself and the children. Collect his stuff together and put it well out of your sight because, psychologically, that is a good start in the separation process. Get real life support from friends, family, solicitors and so on. Take the driving seat in that regard. He will carry on trying to make you feel sorry for him but, if you stay with this man and his alleged problems, you will only end up smashing your self-esteem and regretting it every day.

Yes love, you are fooling yourself. Quite understandable, but it won't work. If you forgive this on top of everything else you are just prolonging the pain because he will do it again.

I am so sorry you are going through this, confused.

even if he is telling the truth he did get a prostitute once and he did have an affair. You have to think about yours and your dcs wellbeing. They may miss Daddy but they would pick up on the tension. Besides if they find out when older they may think it is OK to do this in a marriage - would you want them to see it like that? Your mental health has to be the most important here.

If he is lying which he most likely is as he has form, he might never change. Either way you need to take time away from him even if you do take him back. I really think he wont change though.

Also i know it is probably not something you want to hear or think about, but he has slept with 2+ other women - one of which has probably slept with 100+ men - you should really get an STI check.

I hope you stay strong and make the right decison for you and the dcs.

Glad you've started this thread love and that you're getting some very good advice from lots of people. You know my views but you need to hear from a good range of posters, so I'll only contribute if I feel I can add any value. for you.

Think of the future.
Imagine sitting down with your children and explaining why you stayed with this excuse for a man.
What would you say if your daughter was married to someone who did this?

I wouldn't believe he's never gone through with any of it and he didn't ejaculate with the OW. He's just spinning a load of lies. You'll never be able to trust this man. He's a cheat, think of your sexual health too OP. Stop listening to his nonsense. He's cheated and used prostitutes because he wanted to. Please get him out of your life. All he is doing is causing you pain.

The only thing you need to ask him right now is to respect your wishes and to leave you alone for a few days. Youve not had any head space to take any of this in yet, your in shock and working on automatic pilot.

I strongly advise that you tell at least one trusted individual other wise you will be driven mad with the secrecy of keeping it all to yourself. If and when it does finally sink in, someone will already be on hand to come to your aid love.

None of this is down to you, dont feel enmbarrised anyone close to you will help and not judge you by his standards, this is his to own not yours.

all the best xx

Thank u all so much form your help, have had texts and emails professing his love and shame. He is adamant he only slept with one of them tho, and also said he never said there was 20 people he spoke to this year it would definitely be no more than 5 ( as if that makes any difference tho)

He said its not a sex thing, he is just genuinely interested in just looking at these women, finding out where they r from etc, he said he doesn't actually want to carry he act out.

Just re read that back god it sounds so contrived... He's told me to check all his phone bills he said they will prove that he doesn't ring them very often at all. And because he doesn't carry out the act he doesn't think hes doing anything wrong at the time.

That sounds like a load of bull shite when I read that back... But I have been trying to believe his apologies and confessions over te past 6 months it's like having the rug pulled again, does this mean he didn't really want me back after his affair? Was the beautiful ring, cards, showering me with affection all just a massive show? How can I get it so wrong?