who is my DH, totally devasted over 6 months what started as an affair script progresses to an admission to prostitution...

[confusedriver]

I am under the username greyriver and confusedriver

Right now I feel sick, cant sleep, and I currently wondering who the f*ck my DH is. We met at school, best friends, been together 16 years. 2 beautiful and highly sensitive DC (8and4)

Got the affair script in feb after posting this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

what a mug I was.

The admits to an emotional affair after I have been digging around.

Week later of me trying (around valentines) to make an effort we have a weekend away. We wake up and he is crying saying what has he done. He ambits to a full blown affair.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1410333-so-he-is-having-an-

I try and be strong and ask him to leave. He finishes the affair, after messing around for a week between me and her whilst he is away staying at friends etc.

He says he wants to go to counselling to help us both, but we don't.

A month later after lots of talks and research and reading various books etc we are getting on amazingly. And 4 months down the line I happen to notice an escort agency on his phone. I thought it was porn, alarm bells ring as he promises me it was just a laugh in the office between friends.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1505934-4-months-post-affair-and-I-have-found-porn-in-dh-web-history-on-phone-from-today

Found the same site on his phone again this week. went on it and it took me 5 mins to hack the account, figure his log in and password.

Mortified is not the word | find a history and in his inbox is a booking from 2010 when he called a prostitute to his room, whilst away in a hotel.

He was sobbing saying he has a problem, he spoke to one yesterday he doesn't know why, chatted for around 2-3 mins and when she asked about meeting he got scared backed off and left it there.

He said its not about sex, he doesn't get turned on by speaking to these women and he doesn't understand why he does it as after he has spoke to them he feels sick with remorse, shame and guilt. He couldn't even ejaculate with the woman he met in feb 2010 (so he claims)

he said he has spoken to maybe 20 women this year, and done nothing with any of them as he backs off last minute.

He said he wants counselling, he loves me wants me, our sex is fantastic, he said why I do this i just don't know, but I love you and the kids more than anything in this world and I want help and counselling to give you all the life you deserve.

I asked him to leave last night. He has been texting me since.

Please someone, I just cant bear anymore. And when I look at my childrens face I want to break down, and feel I am going to internally combust

:(

Those posters are well-meaning, you know they are - but you are in shock and can't just be snapped out of it. The only time it is worth continuing in a relationship where infidelity has occurred is if both parties are committed to making it work and acting in the best interests of the marriage. He is blatantly not capable of it. It's very telling that, although he is capable of being kind and loving, he is NOT capable of taking responsibility for his actions and demonstrating the strength and emotional maturity to move forward as a Team. Instead what you have is a blubbering little boy resorting to emotional blackmail who will expect you to carry the burden all on your own.
You wouldn't be "standing by him", you'd be crushed under the weight of dependency, neediness and false promises. He would happily take all your energy and all your strength, leaving none for you or your DC's.
So please do not even think about trying to support him. It is not heartlessness, it is survival.

My dear,

What if this is not about YOU and his feelings / respect for you??? What if this is about HIM and what he wants life to be like?

Relax and maybe stop blaming yourself - as in, you lack something, or he didn't love you enough.

Maybe he is this loving educated husband guy, great father and so on, great laugh - but he also likes the underbelly of sex - and has iffey attitudes to women - and does he think there is something 'dirty' about sex, something naughty and porno-y?

The question I'd be asking is - do I want to keep this man in my life? Do I respect HIM and his thinking / behaviour choices? There are millions of wonderful men out there - do you want this particular one? Along with what he likes to do? Other men like fishing for example.

You could have him home today. It might make things easier on you in the short term. You could get things back to normal, not talk about it for a few weeks etc, just let the dust settle. But then I would start asking myself, is this it for me then, is this my man for life, is this the man I love and respect - knowing what he likes to do in his private time. ??

I think that's what you're up against. Don't be so hard on yourself. It may not be about you at all. x

I think it is very scary when one understands in black and white that one's relationship has to end. We go thro the stages of death - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.

Let the stages be gone thro.

There is an argument to say that the end is coming, so why not just go straight there, but there is also an argument to say that process is worth its weight in gold, so that we take time to understand what really hurts us.

The only caveat is to take is easy on yourself - nothing unnecessary, everything gentle, avoidance where possible with films and other people's problems / the news etc.

I am very very sorry. Sometimes people cam be so unbearably disappointing can't they.

Now's the time for friends and a quiet life. xxx

I understand that you are in shock and I am so sorry. I really am .

But for the love of God PLEASE stop trying to make sense of this latest betrayal by molding it in to some vaguely palatable version of events and listening to the bullshit coming out of his mouth.

PLEASE.

Your husband did NOT just have sex with one prostitute (and then find it cold and unemotional not like the intimacy he shares with his darling wife ). He is not interested in their lives and where they come from - he wanted to fuck them which he did after paying them!! Seriously of all the bollocks I've heard in my time this is the most ridiculous and insulting. Insulting to you and actually insulting to the young prostitutes who probably do have sad life stories. But he doesn't really want to know about that. He wants them to give him a blow job.

Of course he is minimising, lying, crying, begging, reminding you how much he 'loves you' and what an amazing life you have together. It is what they all do. He knows you are desperate to believe him and pretend everything is ok - he thinks you will forgive him again.

Ending a marriage is definitely a process like grief. I've just about got to acceptance and if I'm honest the process has been going on since December when I found out about his cheating. Denial (trying to forgive infidelity) anger (finding out about another infidelity) bargaining (I'll forgive you and we can have a new start if you will only demonstrate how sorry you are and how much you love me) depression (when no such declaration was forthcoming) and now acceptance (well if he doesn't love me enough to be faithful or even sorry then it really is dead.

I hope you recognise a bit of that process and take heart that we all know how you feel and we can honestly say it gets better. I'm not going to berate you for being at the stage you are at but I think we are trying to help you move on from denial. It's a cosy place and the least frightening of the lot but it doesn't let you move on. Anger needs to come, you need to let it come.

I'm sorry i've read all the posts now and i agree with everyone else, do NOT take him back, he's bullshitting you, he's a liar, a cheat and god knows what else, it's harsh but it's true. Yes it's hard to believe that someone can have two very different sides to them, but take this from someone who's mother did this to her father and watched it all go on, it does happen and those who we love do fucking lie to get off with it.

See him for what he is now, think of all the stories and bullshit. Tough crap if he feels bad, he fucking deserves too. You need to cut this man out of your life, you are worth more than that and you deserve more respect, you can't see it now, but you will. This will only make you stronger and it will get better for you.

Why men feel the need to say 'I couldn't come' when with someone else I will never know.

That doesn't make what they did any different - it's still betrayal.

And a big fucking lie.

If something's broke don't you fix it? Look at Rooney/giggs/ who have their wives standing by to help them with their addictions.... Or is that a crap comparative? I know no-one in rl who has had this happen so I am clutching at straws here.... But wives standing by does happen?

Yes wives standing by does happen. There are some on here who have worked through their marriages after infidelity and are still together.

I think the difference in those relationships was that their husbands were 100% accepting and committed to repairing the damage they had done.

You have a husband who when he is supposed to be 100% committed fails to inform you before you even start that he has also used and paid women for sex (vile and the lowest of the low in my opinion) and is still contacting them in the four months you have been trying.

Your husband therefore hasn't even started with a clean slate of honesty and open-ness. If he cannot do that at the start when remorseful and supposed to be 100% committed then he isn't and you don't stand a chance.

He has no respect for you, your emotions or your sexual health. Which also has a massive knock on effect for your beautiful and sensitive DC.

As for Ryan Giggs & Rooney well personally I think it is about the money and fame. That could just be me being cynical though.

I bet if Mrs Giggs and Mrs Rooney spent a few days on this board they'd be taking a very long, hard look at their marriages.

I think your h knows you well enough to be sure that he could blindside you with behaviour that would give him an adequate cover to carry on doing what he likes. I would also bet that he knows you would try and excuse his repeated behaviour because of his upbringing & personality. Everything he has said to you is about him - his pathetic and weak excuses. There is nothing about how he has hurt and degraded you, how he has ripped your trust in two.

Was he surprised that sex with a prostitute was emotionless and cold? That it was just sex and no more? What did he expect - that this woman would be pretending to actually like him. (unlike his OW who presumably did...). I think he sees you as a wife and a mother but not his equal, not someone to be valued. He wants you to cook his dinner and wash his clothes but that isn't love. You deserve so, so much better than this excuse for a human being. So do your children.

Does that mean then that if it didn't feel cold he would've done it again?

Please get yourself checked out, if nothing else. I am here if you need to talk.

He doesn't respect women. It isn't you. And the problem with not leaving a man who behaves this way is that your self-esteem is then on the floor, and it's almost impossible to leave when it happens again. Marriages CAN survive infidelity so it's always a gamble, not necessarily a wrong move, to stay after an affair. But at this point you do have your answer. He's not ever going to change and will fuck about behind your back as and when he wants to.

I'm afraid he wants little wifey and a family, and a hot dirty illicit sex life on the side as well. He sees no reason whatsoever why he shouldn't have that and has every intention of securing both. He'll say whatever he needs to to persuade you to supply the cosy domesticity side of things, and believe you me, he knows precisely what he is doing.

You are listening to what he says instead of looking at what he does. He knows that, and will say whatever he thinks you want to hear. The truth is a total irrelevance.

You aren't weak or pathetic or stupid. You're a decent human being who would no more treat someone they loved this way than fly, and who is struggling with the concept that the man they love is capable of it. It seems impossible so your brain is doing somersaults trying to rationalise away the seemingly impossible fact that he is using you for a family life while fucking his way through as many of the female population he can buy or persuade into it. That's the reality, but of course you are unable to process it - you're a good person unable to imagine being that amoral. The sickest thing of all is he is using that very decency against you to persuade you to stay.

An affair is survivable. His attitude is not. There are lovely men out there who would treat you like you hung the moon. I used to go out with one like yours, for years, and now all I can feel is annoyance that I wasted so much time. My DH is a lovely, lovely man. They are out there, you do deserve one, your DH is never going to be capable of it. You might as well ask a tiger to be a vegetarian.

Actually tiger/vegetarian analogy is too flattering. I think you might as well ask a slug to grow legs.

Confused, you need to accept what he's done and the kind of person he really is, there's NO excuses,NO valid reasons why he CHOOSES to hurt, disrespect and let down his family.
he is a lovely person 95% of the time - that's his front, his cover, to hide what he's really thinking/doing behind your back. Also maybe he's so lovely is his way of justifying what he's doing Yeah ok, so I'm contacting/sleeping with prostitutes, I've had an affair but I'm so lovely to Mrs confused and confused DC it's ok, I'm not a total bastard

Of course you're in shock, who wouldn't be. You're going to question if you can fix things, fix him - but you know the truth already. How many times do you have to play the loving forgiving wife for him - you know it's a green light for him to continue, you find out something, go crazy with him for a while then it's forgiven and family life continues until the next time. His previous confirms that there'll always be next times.

He has an addictive nature (alcohol) and he had a crap up bringing. He is very emotionally needy
NO EXCUSE!
I'm assuming that he's always been this way, if so he should have had it in himself to get help and save his marriage and make up for the heartache and pain he caused after the FIRST infidelity. Decent humans don't use their weakness to hurt and destroy others.

I'm also cynical with regard to the Rooney reference- Fame and fortune is my no1 thought - had Mr Rooney been a labourer on a building site maybe Mrs Rooney's actions would have been completely different.

He said sex with that prostitute was cold, business like and emotionless. Which was why he never slept with one again

That's not the issue, The truth is he DID sleep with a minimum of one.
TBH I wouldn't/couldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.
" It was cold and business like" & "I didn't/couldn't cum" are classic pitiful excuses.

I hope that you find the strength that you need Confused, this vile excuse for a man doesn't deserve you or his family. Take care of yourself xx

"He has an addictive nature (alcohol) and he had a crap up bringing. He is very emotionally needy"

I just wanted to comment that those are reasons to leave someone. It bewilders me when I see how often they are given as excuses to stay. If he does stay then you are recreating his own disastrous childhood for your kids. Surely their need for a childhood now matters more than his failure to have one in the past?

Oh, and Elin Woods got out when Tiger was caught. Who do you respect more amongst those women, truthfully?

My ex had a pretty crap childhood.
He was also nice much of the time, particularly when we were out or with family & friends.

That didn't negate the destruction he wreaked on me when he hit me or forced himself on me.
This man doesn't deserve any more chances, please don't give him any.

I think - if he is decent 95% of the time, how does that marry with him walking around and being decent while hiding these secrets? Decent people don't hide secrets that would hurt people they love, and make a mockery of the relationship they have with them. A decent person says 'I need an open relationship. Can you handle that?' and will deal with the consequences. Not dupe you, so he gets his win/win and you never know.

He is not decent if he lies to you all day long. :(

I just wanted to comment that those are reasons to leave someone

Definitely, especially when they have had more than enough time and chances within a relationship to realise they are doing serious damage to those that love them.

My ex had a pretty crap childhood
He was also nice much of the time, particularly when we were out or with family & friends
Mine was the same Lazarus, completely different to the "real him" that I had to put up with, so much so that when we split he managed to turn best part of MY OWN family against me to give him the "poor you" treatment wanker

there's a difference between being decent and pretending to be decent. even psychopaths tend to manage the latter 95% of the time.

If you are telling yourself you wasnt enough sexually STOP this is about power and control.

"He said sex with that prostitute was cold, business like and emotionless. Which was why he never slept with one"

So if it had lived up to his expectations, he'd have gone back for more?

He isn't painting himself well with these piss-weak excuses. Doesn't matter that the quality of the sex was bad with the prostitute, what matters is that he has (repeatedly) gone out of his way to betray his wife (who wounds like a saint, frankly. He'd havehad his balls handed to him on a platter if I were her...)

OP, you are never going to win with this one, my lovely. Walk away whilst you still have your sanity and a modicum of self-respect, before he turns you into a gibbering wreck of a woman. He is sleazy, a compulsive liar and probably a hotbed of STDs (please get yourself checked) There is better than this out there. He wants the stability of you being there as a bloody mother type figure/emotional crutch whilst getting his end away with various other women. Even if he had the looks of Johnny Depp and the bank balance to match, I could not see the attraction to this man. He sounds awful. Sorry, OP.

I feel so sorry for you OP and I know exactly how you are feeling because my ex H did the same to me. I won't bore you with my story, but it was very very similar.

I nearly had a mental breakdown because I could not mentally accept the 2 people that my 'lovely' H appeared to be. The sad victim H telling me all the right things, giving me all the same excuses/justifications, who I 'knew' loved me and the kids etc etc and the lying cheating bastard H, who kept on and on and on with the cheating / lying.

Eventually he shagged just one too many women and I FINALLY realised that our marriage was over. I would still be with him today had I not realised this, and he would still be sleeping with women behind my back.

Anyway. I want to tell you that once you take control of your life, once you kick him out forever, once you have gone through all the pain that this entails it really really DOES get better. I have been separated (and now divorced) for about 18 months now. I have moved from being an utter wreck to being genuinely happy. The kids are fine. We have an amicable divorce, I still care for my ex, but in the same way you might care for an elderly relative. Now that I have got proper distance from it I see that our marriage was not ideal, that he just wanted out but didn't have the bollocks to see that for himself. I am so so much stronger now. When I was in your position, I used to read posts from women saying 'It gets much better', and think 'no, not for me, I will never recover from the destruction of my family, the lost of my best friend and husband etc etc' But I promise you it does. You just need time, support, counselling, and distance from your H.

I am so sorry but you have to be brutally honest with yourself and say either A) I am happy to continue a marriage with a husband who has sex with prostitutes and other women and it is worth the sacrifice to my self, my sanity and my soul to do this or B) I can find myself again, I can be stronger than I ever thought possible, and I can act to protect myself and I can leave this marriage and go on to be genuinely happy.

Am sending you love OP.

Also OP, I think it is very important for you to get help from friends and family you can trust. This made such a difference to my mental health when I did this. It makes the situation real, and not just a nightmare in your own head, and you start to realise how much love you already have in your life outside of your marriage. And counselling is just invaluable.