who is my DH, totally devasted over 6 months what started as an affair script progresses to an admission to prostitution...

[confusedriver]

I am under the username greyriver and confusedriver

Right now I feel sick, cant sleep, and I currently wondering who the f*ck my DH is. We met at school, best friends, been together 16 years. 2 beautiful and highly sensitive DC (8and4)

Got the affair script in feb after posting this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

what a mug I was.

The admits to an emotional affair after I have been digging around.

Week later of me trying (around valentines) to make an effort we have a weekend away. We wake up and he is crying saying what has he done. He ambits to a full blown affair.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1410333-so-he-is-having-an-

I try and be strong and ask him to leave. He finishes the affair, after messing around for a week between me and her whilst he is away staying at friends etc.

He says he wants to go to counselling to help us both, but we don't.

A month later after lots of talks and research and reading various books etc we are getting on amazingly. And 4 months down the line I happen to notice an escort agency on his phone. I thought it was porn, alarm bells ring as he promises me it was just a laugh in the office between friends.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1505934-4-months-post-affair-and-I-have-found-porn-in-dh-web-history-on-phone-from-today

Found the same site on his phone again this week. went on it and it took me 5 mins to hack the account, figure his log in and password.

Mortified is not the word | find a history and in his inbox is a booking from 2010 when he called a prostitute to his room, whilst away in a hotel.

He was sobbing saying he has a problem, he spoke to one yesterday he doesn't know why, chatted for around 2-3 mins and when she asked about meeting he got scared backed off and left it there.

He said its not about sex, he doesn't get turned on by speaking to these women and he doesn't understand why he does it as after he has spoke to them he feels sick with remorse, shame and guilt. He couldn't even ejaculate with the woman he met in feb 2010 (so he claims)

he said he has spoken to maybe 20 women this year, and done nothing with any of them as he backs off last minute.

He said he wants counselling, he loves me wants me, our sex is fantastic, he said why I do this i just don't know, but I love you and the kids more than anything in this world and I want help and counselling to give you all the life you deserve.

I asked him to leave last night. He has been texting me since.

Please someone, I just cant bear anymore. And when I look at my childrens face I want to break down, and feel I am going to internally combust

:(

Sorry you are going through this OP . I'm also sorry to be so blunt but what if you get checked out for STI's and you have caught something off him? Chlamydia, HIV? Would think about having him back then? Not only has he hurt you deeply and shit all over your marriage and relationship he has threatend your physical health too. He's a cheating, lying cunt and don't fall for his victim act either, I don't buy all this having a shit up bringing and addictive personality bollocks to excuse his profoundly awful and selfish actions.
If he wants to fuck prostitues and get smashed every night leave him to it. The only way some people learn is when they have lost everything they claim to love, even then some don't because they are just too terminally selfish.

ItGets, so glad you're in a happier healthier place now.

Confused read and re-read her post. You may feel like you can't do it alone, of course you don't want to but the alternative is accepting H will forever hurt you and dc. He's had his chances and has continued to throw them back at you by continuing his dick head behaviour.
It is very important to speak with close friends or family members, for your own sake. You do need support in this. Also get some counselling for yourself too.
I really wish you well confused and hope you're OK xxxx

Confused, what religion was he brought up in?

This is NOT ABOUT YOU. It really isn't. This is about him, his issues, his addictions and his acting out complexes, and he is separate from you.

You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Sending you love in your shock and devastation. It is always hideous when you realise you don't know someone you share your life and your body and your genes with. Awful.

I hope you are ok OP.

Hi ladies, thank u all, and lazarus I am up and down to be honest. Still feel like its a dream and smallest things setting me off.

Children now asking where daddy is
I couldn't blow a balloon up, dd said leave it until daddy gets home
For my sons new school uniform in post
Sister sent me irreplaceable YouTube link

Can't help thinking the grief is like he's died. But am I mourning someone that didn't exist

Also, if I didn't figure out my husband after growin up together and beig together 16 years, with two amazing dc, who the hell will think of my children the same in future relationship, and whatbif someone else does all this and I just don't know about it?

Is it better the devil you know.... But staying will just tell him he can do whatever the hell he wants behind my back :(

My best friend said the past six months have changed me and the person she knew in me would have cut his balls off months ago... I feel so weak

Sorry for all the typos

Better the devil you know? No. Better no devil at all. You are still reeling, don't think about other men just now. That will all work out in time. Right now just focus on getting your head round things and feeling better.

better no devil at all. better only having safe, decent people in your life and in your home. better having good friends and trusted family.

better the devil you know assumes the world will stop without a main feature man in it - it won't.

i personally don't see how you could continue with him without losing all of your self respect and with it who you are now you would be writing your life off and saying i deserve no better than this and i'm someone who will put up with this.

River, I remember reading your last threads about your H with such a sense of despair:
The first where you were trying to keep things nice for him and where, contrary to evidence, you didn't think he would possibly have an affair.
The second where you found he had been having a long affair and was blaming you for it.
The one where he was looking at porn, but no, it was his mates.
And now, it transpires, he has been in touch with dozens of prostitutes, had sex with one/them too, but its ok, because he hasn't come in her/them.

Please read back over your threads. You sound such a lovely, sensitive person, but I think your good nature is clouding your judgement here. Your husband is not a nice man. A nice man would not behave in this way. He is not a good father, he is a piss poor role model, and you would be doing yourself and your children no favour if you accepted more of the same old shit from him.

I know what you mean about mourning someone who didn't exist. These people wear masks that are so convincing, we refuse to see them as they really are. Even when confronted with their behaviour.
This is who he is.
Once you get the clarity and insight to see this, you will understand why you cannot stay with him. Because it goes against all your beliefs and values, because he is not someone you can respect, and ultimately he will not be someone you can love either.

You may have grown up with him, but you only saw what he allowed you to see. All that you had "known" of him is how much he has permitted you to know. Up to now.

He lies. Easily. Without remorse. Cries to gain your sympathy. Hasn't changed. Really really hope you see through him soon.

Hi, I know it was a stupid question, just worried that you hadn't been back to the thread for a bit.

Think about what your best friend said. His behaviour, the way he has hurt you is changing you. If she has noticed, then be sure your family and probably your children have too. You sound so nice. You sound like a good person. You don't need a man in your life but if the time comes, there are good ones out there. I agree, you are still in shock, the pain is clouding your vision, your desire to see the good in him is blinding you. I really hope the anger kicks in soon and you take that as your cue 'to cut his balls off' as your friend suggested.

Dear confused, so sorry you are going through this. It sounds really awful. Coming from a slightly different angle, it is possible he has changed. Either some form of mid-life crisis, or a possible excessive exposure to internet porn which has triggered a compulsion. He is in the grips of a real compulsion/addiction and you can only stand back while he either comes to grips with it or not. The reason I think it is important to consider that he may well have changed is so that you will not beat yourself up by thinking you have been decieved for your whole relationship. In my mind, something may well have triggered this compulsion, and it will take real work on his part to break it, or he may well continue it due to the pleasure it brings him. At any rate, you cannot continue your relationship with him until he does overcome his addiction, so you must painfully accept having to tell DCs, family etc that you are living apart. It is critical to your self-esteem that you step back from him.

OP, his behaviour is appalling!
I have this awful feeling that he is laughing at you behind your back, he has pulled the wool over your eyes so many times!
Stop believing his nonsense, dry your eyes and promise yourself that you will never let yourself be treated like this ever again.
I know I sound harsh, but he will NEVER change, I can promise you that you will never allow yourself to be hurt like this again.
Take care, I know its tough, but you are worth far more than this, as are your DC's

He was begging me to eleven he has only slept with one prostitute , je said he knows we are over but I have to at least believe him on that ... He said he hates himself and what he's done, he will never have a family or such a beautiful wife again and everything hats happened is his fault and he hates himself for it for getting caught

He said he never wanted me to find out about the prostitute because he was so ashamed (so ashamed that he also called her called her again 2 wks later when he was para and met her again)

He hasn't always been like this. I think something changed when he joined this site in 2009, maybe he changed from watchin porn to taking it that one step further....

He has lost considerably weight in the last 2.5 years and is so more body conscious than he ever was before. This all coincided with his starting gym and becoming a little more shapely. He said he's so ashamed for the pain he is going to cause me and the kids and his chest tightens when he thinks about it and sob sob, he's just so sorry for doings this to me. He said he has phoned three counsellors and he wants to get help for doing.

What a nightmare all this is :(

Sorry for all this typos!! Hope it made sense the top word 'eleven' should have said 'believe'

You sound quite resolved. Good.

Well done for kicking him out.

Sorry for stating the unpleasant but have you been checked out for STD's yet?

This is your fourth thread about him. I think you thought you knew him and he is nothing like the person you think he is.
I hope you aren't feeling sorry for him because after the many chances you've given him he really is beneath contempt. I would be looking after myself and my family now, not listening to his Bullshit.

Good luck.

OP I'm sure this thread is giving many of us dejavu.
It's hard to listen to when you've experienced the same pattern.
My ex was a shit but I thought he'd never cheat- ha I know he cheated on me several times and sure in reality it would be double figures. I saw a photo of one of them- plain, worked in a call centre, lots of kids and looked like a Jeremy Kyle guest.

He cheated on his next girlfriend (E) with the next one (K) (even when she was pregnant with a baby who sadly passed away at twenty+ weeks). In fact although he was two timing them both he was also still trying to get back with me and said his baby was the product of a one night stand.

I know from K that E she was distraught when she found out as he had 'promised to be good'- K read the texts between them.

He cheated on K (who I've had some contact with). She was a pretty medical student, she walked in on him with an unattractive much older woman.

So what in trying to say is, I thought he'd never cheat on me. I said this to friends, they agreed (part of his facade was adoring husband). In reality he'd sleep with anyone who would have him- in fact I suspect he probably chose, poorer, less attractive woman to make him feel even more powerful/boost his ego.

Don't hold onto any of your previous assumptions- he does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. In fact I'd go as far as to say expect the worse and you'll be about right.

I luckily came away STD free- but I did have CIN3 on my cervix so maybe at some stage I have been exposed to HPV (speculation). I think I was so emotionally battered by the end of it I'm sure my immune system will have been lowered.

Don't waste your life on him, you deserve so much better. If you don't leave him now when will you. You keep finding out more and already he's only telling you the bare bones. He said he'd been in contact with 20 prostitutes then a few- which was it- I know where I'd put my money. Don't let his wailing/begging win you back and I'd also agree that prepare for the fact that he may change tactics.

How are you doing river? Hope things looking brighter.

Op can I suggest that you read this book?

I think your h has possibly a similar personality to mine, and this helped me enormously to sort out my own feelings about the kind of relationship we used to have, after the discovery of much in the way of lying and infidelity.

www.amazon.com/The-Betrayal-Bond-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262