who is my DH, totally devasted over 6 months what started as an affair script progresses to an admission to prostitution...

[confusedriver]

I am under the username greyriver and confusedriver

Right now I feel sick, cant sleep, and I currently wondering who the f*ck my DH is. We met at school, best friends, been together 16 years. 2 beautiful and highly sensitive DC (8and4)

Got the affair script in feb after posting this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

what a mug I was.

The admits to an emotional affair after I have been digging around.

Week later of me trying (around valentines) to make an effort we have a weekend away. We wake up and he is crying saying what has he done. He ambits to a full blown affair.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1410333-so-he-is-having-an-

I try and be strong and ask him to leave. He finishes the affair, after messing around for a week between me and her whilst he is away staying at friends etc.

He says he wants to go to counselling to help us both, but we don't.

A month later after lots of talks and research and reading various books etc we are getting on amazingly. And 4 months down the line I happen to notice an escort agency on his phone. I thought it was porn, alarm bells ring as he promises me it was just a laugh in the office between friends.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1505934-4-months-post-affair-and-I-have-found-porn-in-dh-web-history-on-phone-from-today

Found the same site on his phone again this week. went on it and it took me 5 mins to hack the account, figure his log in and password.

Mortified is not the word | find a history and in his inbox is a booking from 2010 when he called a prostitute to his room, whilst away in a hotel.

He was sobbing saying he has a problem, he spoke to one yesterday he doesn't know why, chatted for around 2-3 mins and when she asked about meeting he got scared backed off and left it there.

He said its not about sex, he doesn't get turned on by speaking to these women and he doesn't understand why he does it as after he has spoke to them he feels sick with remorse, shame and guilt. He couldn't even ejaculate with the woman he met in feb 2010 (so he claims)

he said he has spoken to maybe 20 women this year, and done nothing with any of them as he backs off last minute.

He said he wants counselling, he loves me wants me, our sex is fantastic, he said why I do this i just don't know, but I love you and the kids more than anything in this world and I want help and counselling to give you all the life you deserve.

I asked him to leave last night. He has been texting me since.

Please someone, I just cant bear anymore. And when I look at my childrens face I want to break down, and feel I am going to internally combust

:(

I'm so sorry confused but I repeat what I said earlier
There's many many agency sites, not to mention real ones you can just walk into in any city so giving you permission to check phone records just doesn't cut it as proof.

He DOES know exactly why he does it so don't let him tell you otherwise.

"He said its not a sex thing, he is just genuinely interested in just looking at these women, finding out where they r from etc, he said he doesn't actually want to carry he act out"

Why not become a sociologist then? I am so sorry because I think SHIT excuses are the worse thing to do in this situation. At least if he was honest with you once and for all, you would know where you stood and could move on.

He is making himself sound like a Victorian out to save 'fallen women'. It is immensely arrogant of him to think they would be interested in helping his curiosity- it's a business transaction FFS.

He is insulting your intelligence now.

I am so sorry you are going through this but it sounds like your marriage is over.

Please stop blaming yourself, of course you wanted to believe he was trying to rebuild your marriage. I think he did, otherwise you wouldn't have fallen so hard this time. He knew how to play you and he did without any scruples. I don't think it matters whether he considers it cheating to talk to these women - I'm damn sure he would if you were having similar conversations with men. Having said that, I do think he has gone farther than he is admitting and I wouldn't believe he didn't ejaculate when he was with the prostitute. Tbh that doesn't really matter anyway - he had sex with her, whether he finished or not.

Please get some RL support and get some space away from him at least (and your dcs if possible) to process this properly for a while.

I am walking around like a zombie, it's a saturday, we would normally be doing family stuff together. I have another 4 weeks and then when the kids r at school it will be worse. I feel so lonely. I feel like things would feel better if he was here.

He has slept with 2 people behind my back. He was caught via the log in page and the inbox bookings show he went through with one prostitute and didnt turn up for the other one, he said he had no intention of going to the second meeting. He didnt have to tell me anything regards the phone calls, he offered that information . Doesn't that mean anything?

Why am I asking such stupid questions.

He didnt have to tell me anything regards the phone calls, he offered that information .

Yes he did have to admit to that, because you already knew he'd been on that site twice in the past month. Even he would have reasoned that you'd never have believed that he went for 2.5 years without going on that site and then out of the blue made two calls to prostituted women in the past month.

He has slept with 2 people behind my back - that is what means something. He has no respect for you. He doesn't see the phone calls as proper cheating. You are better off without him. As I said before, please call in some RL support and ask them to help you get through this.

I'm sorry but I don't believe that he only met one of the prostitutes. :(

Yes your right, he doesn't have any respect for me. Just so hard to compute when on a daily basis he is actually a very loving kind person, this is all so f*cked up

Why would he have tried so hard to keep me the past 6 months if he has no respect for me. Why would he smiled laugh and have a joke with me, I don't get it. He has been on the phone again saying how he wants help because phoning the women makes him feel bad so why does he do it? He said sleeping with the prostitute made him feel terrible, he said why does he want to make himself feel bad? He doesn't get it. He said he's going for counselling even though I've told him I don't see a future together. He said he had never questioned this side of him before because he never had to think about it deeply. He said it started from looking at project voyeur whatever that is, and he moves on to adult work because they r more girls next door as opposed to dressed up models ...

Just too much to take in :(

Oh come on
He's so full of shit. Who even cares why he did it at this point? He knows full well that cruising for prostitutes is massively disrespectful and not allowed in your marriage regardless of whether he fucked them or not. He called two after you found out about the affair! He was completely uncommitted to fixing the marriage. He wanted you back to have his cake and eat it too. I dare say he loves you somewhat but he loves himself more. He's also a proven liar so what he has told you will be only a % of the truth.

i think if he gets wind of you not accepting his excuses and having him back, I can fully see him changing tack and blaming you for this somehow. he has already started, with the I was just interested in their background it's not what you think bla bla, what about the aspect of how he paid for them and how much? this money was joint money and not spent on the household or the kids.

Buying expensive presents to say sorry is for his guilt not for your hurt.
You need time to process all of this, his constant barrage of calls and texts is wearing you down emotionally and pysically, if you can book a few days away with the kids, somehwere he wont know where you are and re group, if poss take a mate of family, you need support not constant pestering, he isnt being fair on you, because he is panicking.

if he meant what he said about wrong doing, he would be putting his energy in to getting help, this is about him not being found out by his family or peers, hes embarrised for himself not for you or the kids.

Good God OP, he must think you fell down in the last shower. His stories are so ridiculous it would be hilarious if it wasn't so crushingly awful.

I know it's confusing when someone says one thing and does another, it seems incongruous, his 'loving' behaviour twords you and then the cheating but it's not. It's not at all. Loving 'types' cheat. He doesn't 'feel bad' about being with the other women at all by the way. He loves it, he feels bad about getting caught is what he means.

He's telling you what you want to hear, saying he'll go to counselling and he doesn't know why he does it. He does it because he's horny and he thinks he can get away with it. He doesn't see any problem with having you and having the other women as well. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I know you are very hurt and shocked but you need to face up to how he really is. Right now he's trying to manipulate you and crowd you and spin his bullshit in the hopes he can get away with it again.

He kept you around because he needed a 'family life' and someone to fall back on, no doubt. He wanted to have a secret life and a home life. Even if he is telling the truth, you have to think whether that is acceptable or not. I personally can't see he just wants to know about their lives. Why doesn't he chat to female colleagues, or watch documentaries about where people in those professions come from. He isn't one of those people studying prostitution on the TV so why would he want to know?

He sounds very strange to me. Just really think about whether you'd be willing to find something else or get another revelation next year, because it's likely to happen if I'm honest.

I'd put money on him having a pay as you go SIM card hidden somewhere OP - that's why he's being so cocky about phone bills. Lots of women on Adultwork display phone numbers and many bookings take place outside of the site's booking system.

"Why would he have tried so hard to keep me...."

Because you're 'safe' whereas the other stuff is clearly for thrills. He made the mistake of thinking that he could buy you with ribbons, take you for granted and that you'd always be there when he came home. Big mistake.

I'm going to be blunt here. I've read all your other threads and you were given great advice which you ultimately didn't follow. You allowed this nasty, manipulative manchild back into your life and your bed knowing that he had had an affair and then tried to blame you for it. What did you think would happen? He got away with it once, why wouldn't he do it again in some way? I think the poster who posted further back about this not actually being about the sex for him (though he probably enjoys that as a side benefit) more about hurting YOU is absolutely right. He likes the power and control he has over you and he enjoys the crying and the drama when you find out because it is yet more attention for him.

You deserve more than this, you deserve to be happy and your children deserve to see you happy otherwise this will affect them too - they will model their own relationships on it in the future. You need to drum up all your self-respect and strength and kick him out. Otherwise you will be back here again in a few months with yet another sob story about him - and it will be even seedier knowing him as he seems to be gradually descending into more and more distateful behaviour to get his kicks.

Who is your DH?
He is a liar, a cheat, a bullshitter, an entitled sexist pig with no respect for women.

He is someone no-one would ever want to be married to.

He clearly has no conscience in any way, it is all about just trying to keep you so he can maintain some semblance of being a 'normal family guy', when he is nowhere near being a 'normal family guy'. He feels entitled to go out and get his kicks because he has no empathy or foresight as to how this may harm his family...............he and his 'needs' are more important than anything. He doesn't really care about his family in the true sense, just that it is useful in masking his hideousness. The fact he is capable of 'having a laugh' all the while fucking prostituted women behind your back tells you everything you need to know about him. He hasn't really been that good about hiding what sort of man he actually is, but you know now - clear as day - the truth is out and the mask has slipped .........run a mile and get a solicitor QUICKLY.

You cannot put yourself through this any longer. It is a slow form of torture. He is a cunt.

Ffs OP grow a backbone and some self respect before your "D"h gives you a nasty sexually transmitted disease.
How low does he have to go? Where's your bullshit limit? Because at the moment you may as well tell him your willing to be his personal doormat. He doesn't care about you. It's all an act.

No one deserves to be treated like this, not you, not your kids, no one. You deserve to be loved and respected, most of all by yourself.

Now you know why link between porn use and infidelity is so significant in your case. Unfortunately for some reason he chose to buy sex from vulnerable women (who probably came from a background of abuse).

He is using FAMILY money to fund this vile habit.

He is risking the health of the mother of his children - not just once but several times.

If he really loved you and wanted to be part of the family, he would not have done those things - sadly he made the choice to check out of his marriage and his own family.

Yes you are all right but please don't be too harsh, I am a very trusting person and yea maybe I have been an idiot, but when u have grown up with someone who until last year was an amazing father and husband, the reality is just too much to comprehend. We had a normal and very fortunate family life, a very lovely one and I thought we were just going through normal family motions and had absolutely no reason to believe otherwise.

Maybe I have been lied to most of my marriage? Maybe this website was the catalyst when he joined it in nov09 . I guess I will never get answers and my desperation in the situation has been posted here because the magnitude of this is too much and Half of me says you fool you have no choice now leave, for your sanity, for the kids, everything. Them the other half sees that since he joined this site he has clearly had problems. He said he felt relieved I found out, an ne'er spoke about it because he is sick with shame. He has an addictive nature (alcohol) and he had a crap up bringing. He is very emotionally needy. So the other half of me wants to do right by him get him counselling and find out what the hell has been going on.

If something's broke don't you fix it? Look at Rooney/giggs/ who have their wives standing by to help them with their addictions.... Or is that a crap comparative? I know no-one in rl who has had this happen so I am clutching at straws here.... But wives standing by does happen?

I can't even believe I am torn. In my heart i think I know I can't stay with these revelations, but I can't believe he doesn't love or respect me because he is a lovely person 95% of the time. Or maybe these are just my thoughts, maybe I think he respects me because I don't know his full seedy life away from me??

I've told him its over, it hurts like hell. But when I think about what he's done that hurts like hell to. So currently I can't relieve my pain either way which is depressing and causes pain to the depth of my heart I never knew existed.

He said sex with that prostitute was cold, business like and emotionless. Which was why he never slept with one again.

I guess doing it once is bad enough though isn't it.

I do have a backbone, I am just in shock. I am going it alone I do get it, I think in months to come the realisation will be worse at the minute it's all too much to take in. It's unbelievable when I read it back that I am writing about my life here

I can understand why you are reacting like this now - its the shock and you want it all to go away.

That is why you need time and space to process your thoughts and emotions - you will feel differently in a few months' time.

I remember how you really struggled to come to terms with the affair - and all along it was because your instincts were telling you things were still not right despite him ending things with OW.

He was STILL lying to you.

He was STILL cheating.

No wonder you struggled

He is very fucked up - you can't fix his issues. The best thing you can do for him to let him go and sort these out himself. He needs space to do this.

Take care x

I agree posters should take it easy on you..you have had a horrible shock and no matter what, you have evolved with this man. I do think that being apart is good for you both on different ways, and also that you should still ensure you get std check up

it's lies and lies and lies and lies isn't it?

i think you need to see that whatever he means by 'loving' you is not what most of us would recognise as love. it falls majorly short. saying 'i love you' means nothing.

i would say that the best thing for your children is to put a final end to this hellish soap opera so that life can settle down and be stable from now on.