Dh wants to leave

[DreamingofSmoking]

And it has hit me a bit like a bolt of lightning, stupidly, on my part.
I just feel so sad.
He told me two weeks ago today, and has gone on to behave as normal, if not better company most of the time. But he still wants to leave.
He still loves me (although maybe is not in love with me, he doesn't know), but he definitely does not want to be married any more, although he will always care for me, and wants us to be 'best friends' (yeah right! How are we meant to do that without much hurt for me!) and continue to come over and see dc all the time, come on holidays etc.
He will be moving out in September/October time, and I am holding it together at the moment (with some gin and going out with lovely friend), but am terrified I won' be able to hold it together when he eventually goes. I suppose because I forget it's happening, until he brings it up again.
When I think of all the shared history he is throwing away, and all the family time he won't be part of, and all the nights I iwll sit here alone without him I feel so sad.
I really am scared of feeling lonely, and losing all the good times we spend together, but I am not sure I can cope with being great friends with him, because I will still want him to be my dh, not my pal
I just feel so confused and :(

He can't have it all ways and you do need to make it work for you.

No you won't want him around the house all the time...let him take the Dcs out, or to his place.

you would be a remarkable woman indeed if you could go on family holidays/family nights/days out with someone who had hurt you so deeply.

IMO if he wants to go then he has to realise that he will be gone and you will be a single person again. That means you will be entitled to your privacy, your secrets, to parent your way (all be it hopefully amicably with him for DCs sake) to run and keep house your way, to reinvent yourself, to make a single person's life.

your time with the DCs will be your time, his will be his. perhaps later on you may manage to do significant events like birthdays together...but not necessarily, and probably not soon.

he has made the decision to go, OK now you have to tell him the rules because gone is gone, not cherry picking what he wants.

Eventually the pain will reduce but his expectation to be your BF is just rubbish.

you do need to think of yourself and you do need to make things clear for the DCs. Playing happy families just won't work.

Oh, and have a HUG. I am so so sorry that he has done this to you...and you might consider telling him to get lost now...why the wait it just prolongs the pain and difficulty.

He's being extremely cruel to stick around after that bombshell and you should ask him to leave immediately. Newsflash 'Best friends' don't treat each other that way, so don't fall for that old chestnut. He doesn't care for you & he doesn't love you. If he thinks he can live the gay bachelor life, while you stay chained to the kitchen sink and that he can and just pop over to see the DCs and merrily go on holidays, he's being ridiculous. That's just a cynical way of keeping tabs and preventing you from getting on with your life. You decide with the help of a very good solicitor how much involvement he's going to have because there's nothing worse than an old husband constantly turning up like a bad smell.

You will be a lot less lonely once you get rid of this man.

I'm so sorry.

But why is he still there? He's making it worse for you by hanging around.

You will get past this. It will hurt like hell but better than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

I expect he's denied it - but is there an OW? Men rarely leave their wives & children without someone else on the horizon. Sorry, I feel crap pointing it out, but have you properly considered this?

But, really - how dare he? He wants the marriage to be over and feels he has the right to move out when it suits him?

I would be inclined to pack up his stuff and tell him to go now. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he's not in love with you, and doesn't want to be married anymore then would he mind awfully leaving so you can get on with your life?

You MUST take control here, OP. He has all of it at the moment. You are not a doormat and neither are you a pushover.

You WILL cope & you WILL get through this. Yes, it'll be the hardest thing you have ever done and I expect there'll be intense moments of loneliness and despair - but life is far too short to cling onto someone who claims not to want you anymore.

You don't have to be friends with him, or go off on nice holiday jaunts if it's more than you can bear. He will always be your children's father, but if he doesn't want you then he loses you, it's as simple as that.

Do NOT let him have his cake and eat it too. Like I said, take back control - and do it now.

Good luck xx

I'm so sorry.

He is not being a nice man; trying to have his cake and eat it too. If he cared for you (love, in love, bollocks blah) then he wouldn't be prolonging the agony for you like this.

You will not be best friends, possibly not even friends - that would require a massive degree of generosity on your part, and, frankly, I don't think you should even try. He is being quite seriously unkind and selfish.

You poor thing. Has he always been this selfish and thoughtless?

tell him to fuck off and find a sofa. may bring him to his senses.

and sorry I think he is with OW too

He's got all the details covered from his angle. Not a thought for you. It is clear you've lost confidence and I don't think it has anything to do with your body-weight. You're living with a cold, cold fish who is treating you nicely rather like a pet-owner treats the old dog nicely on the way to the vet to be put down.

Start standing up for what you want rather than accommodating this horrible man. Never mind birthdays and holidays. Instigate a few more rows and get him out before your self-esteem disappears completely down the plughole. Who cares if he has nowhere to go?...

I'd go visit a solicitor or CAB first thing monday.

As usual do the following;

Do you have your own bank account if not open one
move child benefit
tax credits
A good chunk of money from your joint account as well so you have enough to be getting on with for the time being.

Ask him to move out while you sort your head out.

He's got someone on the sidelines and he's playing you till he's sure the relationship will last.

Tell him he can start by having the kids for a couple of hours every other weekend and build up from there, out side of your home, otherwise it will upset and confuse the children.
So no he cannot stroll in to your house and play happy families when it suits him. He takes the kids and you are allowed a life not just waiting around for him to turn up when he deems fit.

Crikey I don't think there is OW. I have thought about it, but really I don't see when he could fit it in. He does go out over night once a week, usually, and I suppose it is possible, but I don't think it is his style, and I am sure I would find out (as I know he is definitely where he says he is when he is out)
I want to tell him to leave, as maybe then he will realise exactly what is happening, but I really want the summer to be normal for dc.

He is so lovely to other people too, and I wish he was lovely for me (and not fucking off and leaving me alone and skint with 4 dc )

Oh God, but I don't want him to leave
I am so pathetic. Bloody hell. Not the confident woman I once was. I would never have let myself put up with bullshit like this at 18.

Fuzzy already got my own account with child benefit and some of his salary going into it. Will change passwords on internet banking to something else.

I don't want to tell anyone. I don't want to tell my family. I feel ashamed, as though I am a terrible person who has made terrible choices for everybody.
I have been quite shouty with dc too.

Sorry, I am feeling really shitty about myself at the moment. I can't fucking believe this shit is happening, to be quite honest.

Fucking hell.

Can you tell us more about the build-up to this?

News like this that comes as a bolt from the blue is usually because of an affair.

What it also means is that the OW is not yet free to share a home with him and so he isn't ready yet to leave his comfy billet until that can happen.

This won't work. Living with someone who has given you a notice to quit will completely erode any self-esteem you still have (I note you're blaming yourself and finding fault) and it's not a good environment for children.

My guess is it's got nothing to do with you or your appearance and everything to do with someone else. If you want proof of that, go looking for it - sometimes the shock of discovery causes the cheater to do a complete about turn and a realisation that actually, he does want to stay in his marriage, that is if his wife forgives his infidelity.

If you don't want proof, then just ask him to go now and if he won't, withdraw all forms of labour, except those that would upset the children. So if you eat together as a family, continue that but absolutely no washing, ironing or errand-running. He needs to get the taste of the single life earlier than he wants.

yes he needs to understand gone, is gone, along with changing locks, also that maint will be had from him from day one.

He is also legally lliable for mortgage so dont agree to try to pay it.

Offer him every other weekend and one over night per week, away from you.

Remind him you will be able to get mescher order so he wont be able to make you sell house.

I could murder a fucking cigarette, but I bloody gave up.

In other words, tell him what life is really going to be like, its not your problem where he sees them, he still wants you in his life, hence his best friends request.

It's always possible to find time for an affair. Lots of people take time off work during the day, conduct them at lunctimes, invent fake conferences or training courses, or even excessively long dog-walks or other errands. His phone or phone bills will be the best evidential source.

16 months ago my husband told me that he no longer loved me, and that he would leave me and our 4 kids in 2 months time (when 2 of the kids had completed GCSEs and A Levels).

Like you I was distraught, in shock and disbelief, my whole world had been turned upside down. Like you, I came on here and poured my heart out.

I was told by the wise MNs that there was almost definitely an OW. He had of course denied this, but of course there was an OW, and predictably enough she crawled out of the woodwork a few months later. There usually is an OW. Men very rarely leave a home, family and wife to set up alone. I really think you need to give this serious consideration.

You have to take control of this horrible situation. You have to stop letting him call the shots and decide your future for you: throw him out. I did - I threw my husband of 22 years out, and he had nowhere to go to - but tough. His problem. You will be existing in hell for the next 4 months, in an awful sort of limbo if you think you can live in the same house as a man who no longer loves you. Get angry - you deserve to be angry. How the hell DARE HE tell you when he is going to leave you?

Throw him out; see CAB asap for advice (and the name of a solicitor who gives a free hours advice). And look after yourself. You will need all your strength to do this, because I know I did. But the day I threw him out, took control and decided that nobody would dictate to me again, was the day I started to recover. Good luck.

He has no reason to be anything other than lovely, does he Dreaming (good name, btw, I'm doing the same thing!)? He's getting absolutely everything his own way - HE'S decided he wants out, HE'S decided when he wants to go, HE'S decided how things will be once he's gone with regard to your relationship. Of course he's being "lovely" - why ever wouldn't he be?

Shall I tell you why I mentioned the OW possibility? Not because I wanted to worry or wound you - but, being the lurker I am, I have read literally hundreds of threads on here that begin exactly the same way. He wants to leave, but no, there isn't an OW - where would he find the time etc? When people start gently asking & pointing out the possibility and the OP starts thinking about it (and perhaps starting to snoop a bit) it always, always turns out that there is one.

I can't know whether this is the case with your "D"H - but I truly think it's something you need to seriously think about. The most unlikely men cheat and no wife ever thinks they have the time - but somehow they manage it. To be honest, it's the very first thing I thought when reading your post.

I really hope it's not the case, though - for your sake :(

Please tell your family. By keeping this to yourself you are simply protecting him. No-one's going to think badly of you because he's leaving you - they will be totally on your side. And I do think there's someone else. Men don't suddenly drop their family, creature comforts, nice home and so on just because they want to be alone. It's very, very easy to appear to be somewhere on nights away when you're not.

stop blaming yourself, this is because he is a selfish knob (at best),
xx

I could sign into his FB account I suppose, and have a look around. It will be tough to get the phone though!

Thanks for your kind words everybody. It means so much. I really needed to get it all out, as I have been hanging on to it for two weeks and it has been doing my head in.

Yes but what has been the build up to this during the last few months?

Is he suddenly attached to his phone, has he been distant, wanting more or less sex, been grumpy, irritable or appearing to be stressed or depressed? Have arguments been appearing from nowhere? Do you feel that he's been critical of your point of view? Has he been difficult to contact on occasions? Does his phone go straight to answerphone and is it on silent when at home? What changes have you noticed?

What you're seeing now I suspect is relief and guilt. He doesn't need to demonise you any more because he's done what he thinks was the difficult bit - ending your relationship.

Kids are perceptive and will pick up on your mood.

He is being selfish. When he is settled you might want to let him have the kids at his place so that you can have a bit of time and freedom ,for yourself while they see him ... and before he saves money for his own place the priority would need to be supporting kids and you.

If you want the dc to have good birthdays and feel normal (and i can see why you would) why not send your H on a "holiday" as far as they are concerned? Even better, he could pay for you lot to go on a real holiday as a birthday treat!