Dh wants to leave

[DreamingofSmoking]

And it has hit me a bit like a bolt of lightning, stupidly, on my part.
I just feel so sad.
He told me two weeks ago today, and has gone on to behave as normal, if not better company most of the time. But he still wants to leave.
He still loves me (although maybe is not in love with me, he doesn't know), but he definitely does not want to be married any more, although he will always care for me, and wants us to be 'best friends' (yeah right! How are we meant to do that without much hurt for me!) and continue to come over and see dc all the time, come on holidays etc.
He will be moving out in September/October time, and I am holding it together at the moment (with some gin and going out with lovely friend), but am terrified I won' be able to hold it together when he eventually goes. I suppose because I forget it's happening, until he brings it up again.
When I think of all the shared history he is throwing away, and all the family time he won't be part of, and all the nights I iwll sit here alone without him I feel so sad.
I really am scared of feeling lonely, and losing all the good times we spend together, but I am not sure I can cope with being great friends with him, because I will still want him to be my dh, not my pal
I just feel so confused and :(

Dreaming. I know this is hard, but please try and stay focussed on what you deserve and need. I am assuming that you deserve to be being treated with love and respect.

It seems as though your Dh has checked out of the relationship. He has been chatting up and probably seeing other women - I doubt very much if he's planning on moving out that we are talking about flirty messages - sorry, but people don't leave home for a text.

He is an adult and whatever he wants to do with his life, is fine. What's not fine is manipulating and lying to you with all the 'I'm not sure I want to be controlled, I've had a hard childhood' bullshit, but still expecting your love and support.

Personally, I would assume that he has been lying to you for quite some time and has plans for a life on his won or with one of his women.

Please don't apologise fore being 'pathetic'. You have been loyal, honest and kind. He cannot say the same. Your only solution here is to concentrate on what you need/desire in a partner and decide whether your 'dh' can ever match up.

I felt better once I got my head out if the sand. My H was the dirt of man who would NEVER have an OW let alone his best mates wife but all evidence points that way even now they both still deny it.

Everybody is so shocked that he could announce its over snd walk out and I didn't even know he was unhappy! Twunt! Even the most loving trustworthy man is capable of cheating and they all roll out the same lines sadly.

My H got very guarded with his phone, took it everywhere, deleted texts and emails.

I would rather know for sure that there is OW as then I can stop blaming myself. And I think that you need the same in order to deal with it.

He asked you if someone had said anything to you, well there must be something you need to be told that he is hiding .

He told u he needed to charge his phone so he could hang up on you and check his fb page so he could work out the damages and work out a story.
U say u want your dc's to have a 'normal' summer. Surely its better to throw him out now and take the kids away on holiday, doesn't have to be somewhere exotic, but somewhere u can go and rebuild your family (minus dh). Before school. Than waiting til Sept when they r at school then let him call the shots afnd blow their world apart.
Get it done now, then they'll be a bit settled by the time they go back to school.

Clearly u r hanging on hoping he'll change his mind, when its crystal clear to everyone here that he had OW.

Thanks all.
I have spoken to dh, and he has agreed that we will go through all his messages on FB, texts, emails together, and discuss. He told me they are, and we are going to have a proper good chat about it all.
I am going to go to bed now, I am shattered and need some sleep before dc wake up.
I will keep you all posted.
Thanks again, for letting me get all of this off my chest.
A lot is riding on our chat tomorrow night, and if I am not satisfied with the answers he gives me then I will be telling him to move out straight away.
Will be back tomorrow

Also it was his suggestion that we go through his messages, not mine. I know he could delete some, but also he knows I iwll be looking for anything at all suspicious.

No, ask to see his phone bills. If they don't show one or two numbers texted and dialled obsessively I'll eat my hat then find the second phone.

The bills are the only thing that cannot lie. It's easy to delete messages from all the things he's offered up.

If he says no because he's leaving anyway and you're not entitled to that information, you have your answer.

I think you've got your answer anyway with what you've found out tonight, but you're in shock and denial right now and not thinking straight.

Dreaming Hopefully you're managing to get some sleep right now. But, in case you come back on here before the "chat" tomorrow - please bear in mind that he's had all night to delete texts, emails and FB messages.

As Charbon says, you need to ask to see the phone bills (online or wherever).

Throw him out

You've had good advice on here, you really need to take control now.

I've been where you are now. It stinks. But please listen to me, because I want to help you so much.

You are still seeing all this from his perspective; like saying "he'll be cross" up thread; so bloody what! It doesn't matter what he is, or says or thinks any more. And that's a huge thing to come to terms with I know, but regardless of whether he's 'cross' or not, you should be bloody furious! And you're not - because he has done a huge number on you, and you have (like I did) taken all the responsibility for his happiness, and the downfall of the marriage. This has to stop. It will take a while, because he's further down the line than you are: he's already checked out of the marriage, and you're left playing catch up. Well, you need to catch up fast.

Right now, you're desperately clutching at straws, and trying all you can to try and make this right. You can't. So stop trying. Stop wasting precious energy and emotions on trying to fix this. He broke it. Not you. This is him. He has thought this through and deliberated on this for a long, long time.

He has told you he wants out. When I was told the same, my whole world broke into a million pieces, but guess what? I took control, and started to heal. You really don't need to see phone bills, FB messages and all that shit. You just need to focus on YOU. And kick him out.

Tell him he has to leave today. Where he goes, what emotional baggage and history he takes with him, is his problem.

Get strong, take control, and KICK HIM OUT. Please - for your sake and your kids. Because if you don't, you'll spend the next few months trying to fix the unfixable - and it's not you who can fix this. Only he can fix this, and he doesn't want to. Sorry, it's lousy and sad and seems the end of the world. But you will get better, you will get over this. But you need to take control to do so.

I wish you all the luck in the world. X

I agree with Saffysmum. Please don't let him demean you and stay in control by going through the messages and FB together. If there's anything dodgy, he'll have got rid of it by now & he'll have pat explanations for everything else. All it will achieve is for him to be able to say 'you're being silly' or something else dismissive and then you'll feel even worse than you do now

He's going to leave so tell him to leave - and to stop the Happy Family delusion, popping by to see DCs and going on fake holidays etc. That will kill you. You will find out why he's going eventually but, in the meantime, you can get back some self-respect and get on with your life.

would it help dreaming if one of us wrote the thread so you can see from outside looking in? Your thinking is delusioned by some false hope of ex will change his mind...try and step out of your shoes and pretend it is someone else going through this awful mess! No one wants to face what is extremely painful like this...but as Saffy says the sooner you do the easier it will get and your exdh has checked out of the relationship already! Stop letting him make a fool of you...because your anger later on for allowing him too treat you like this will hurt you more...as you allowed it!

Kick him out NOW!

I know its hell for you; but what really helped me was that I took the initiative. Ex wanted out - I didn't want him to go. But by throwing him out, I got control, and it really did my self respect a lot of good by doing it. Looking back, my only regret is that I didn't throw him out sooner, because after he told me he no longer loved me I knew we were dead in the water, but I so fought against the truth.

I also filed for divorce immediately - not saying you should do this of course, but because I absolutely knew that there would be no going back, because there was no way I'd ever be able to forgive him for causing us all so much pain, it really helped me to focus on practical stuff.

Also, please tell people in real life what is going on. If you keep this to yourself, it will eat away at you. You need RL support, and you need people who are able to see this clearly, because right now you are desperate to fix this, and they will be able to help you and you can lean on them for support. I felt that I was a failure, because Ex didn't love me any more. It took the wise posters on here to help me see that it was nothing to do with me, it was totally his decision, so I had to do the best I could for me and the kids.

I did the same as Saffysmum, filed for divorce e immediately as my H was adamant it was over , led me along for a bit, but dudn't want a divorce (probably due to the cost).

I took back the control, my decree nisi has slready been filed and he left me four months ago. I don't want to be married to a cheating rat.

Also meant to say check online mobile bills or sign up if you haven't got it. It was black and white proof to me that my H was texting OW over 2000 times a month, over 100 times some days including up to bedtime. He was going to bed after me so that he could text her.

Please look after yourself, I know you want to think the best and swallow any reasons, I've been there.. xx

Take the advice of saffysmum.

It used to give me a real boost knowing that in spite of all my heartbreak I didnt chase around my xh and let him go (he ended up leaving a little earlier than planned too due to an OW) cleanly as it were.

He fully expected me to plague him with texts , calls and general I cant live without you stuff and the boost to my self esteem as time went on and I didnt do that was huge.

Take control now and ask him to leave , sorry but its over and sitting down to a bucket load of his lies and bullshit later will do you no good at all

Dreaming, I've just read through your thread and this jumps out it me from one of your posts:

It's almost as if he is trying to fuck my head up on purpose

Please trust your instincts. Honestly, I think HE IS. That is exactly what he is trying to do.

We've all said that in an ideal world, the OP will ask him to leave so that she can get on with her life and catch up with his detachment process. But I think we need to understand the psychology of shock and listen 'between the lines' here.

This has come as a bolt from the blue and the bombshell was dropped only 2 weeks ago. We all suspect why this has happened because we've seen it so many times before.

But for the OP, she is still catching her breath and it's as plain as day that she is in denial, which is normal after a shock. All the time that denial persists and the OP thinks her husband is depressed, is suffering from childhood trauma, has had a breakdown or is acting out his bereavement, it delays the next stage of her own bereavement process, which is anger.

That's why although of course she doesn't need proof of an affair, it will help her to know that this isn't a tortured soul who's lost his way in life, he's just a fairly ordinary adulterer who won't take responsibility for having an affair and the blame that might go with it, not just from the OP but from his children and friends and family.

That's why discovery helps. It makes the anger come through. Anger is an extraordinarily helpful emotion because it propels us to take control of situations and put the blame where it's deserved. It will stop the OP making excuses for her husband's behaviour and will short circuit all the hopes that are built on a tissue of lies.

I agree that involving the husband in these revelations was a big mistake, because he will have been involved in a deleting frenzy last night and the OP will not be able to prove a thing when he is the source. Independent evidence that cannot be tampered with is always best.

I completely understand why getting incontrovertible proof is necessary when someone is in denial and needs to catch up - and why people are very rarely strong enough to take decisive, firm action when they are still in shock. Just over 2 weeks ago the OP thought she had a strong marriage with the husband she loves. She is still reeling from his bombshell and trying to find plausible explanations for it. The most plausible explanation seems too incredible right now and so only unassailable facts will make that a reality.

I'm another one saying listen to saffysmum we've been there, we've seen dozens of threads on here where the same thing happens.

It doesn't matter who he's with or for how long, forget about snooping any more, he will lie. Mine continued to lie even after the evidence was clear and public - my ex married the OW on their "first anniversary" of them declaring their love for each other - so sweet, but that was a whole month before he told me he wanted a divorce "no-one else, just fallen out of love" and he CONTINUES to claim that he didn't leave because of OW. It's so mad it's actually funny.

The only thing that matters now is you and the dc. He is not your friend but he will want to appear to be your friend, you can use that. get legal advice ASAP. We went the collaborative route which was amicable BUT that means there is no-one fighting your corner and my ex pulled a few financial fast ones. I stupidly thought that because he was acting like the man I married (weirdly!) then he would behave like the man I married - but it was an act.

I thought we could remain friends because we hadn't had an acrimonious divorce - but he is not my friend and do you know what? that's ok. It will be for you too at some point but you have to begin to detach. He has already detached, you need to do the same.

Please tell family and friends, and tell the dc as soon as you can - be honest with them but don't run down their father. They will see things clearly enough over time.

This feels like the end of the world as you know it - but you will be ok, in fact, like some of us on here you may find things are actually better once the dust settles and you find "you" again.

He goes now.

Then you talk and sort out child access arrangements, none of this he will come over at anytime to see the children, it is done on a formal basis.

Good luck.

Listen to the wise words above.

You're right Charbon

If only we could distill our experiences and knowledge and give it in liquid form. I suppose each person has to make this vile journey for themselves.

catsrus, so much of your experience resonates with me; my ex still denies that OW existed when we split up; he still maintains that he met her shortly after I kicked him out. This is despite our ED seeing lovey dovey texts between them months before.

I realise how hard this is for OP, but I hope she realises that her H will have rewritten history in his head, to give himself permission to treat her so shamefully, and perhaps to justify an affair. This is why she feels, as pointed out, that he's fucking with her head; he is. He has too, because like a million before them, and certainly my ex, he hasn't the balls to man up and admit the truth. So they distant themselves, they assure you that there's no one else, that they no longer love you. This is why I urge OP please, to tell a close friend and family if possible the truth. Because he will have created a fantasy in his head, where he deserves better than he has - because you are at fault. And living in that house, with that man, in his fantasy is extremely toxic for you.

Of course you are in shock, but as Charbon so wisely says, there is a process to go through, and anger will follow. When it does, use it positively to sort out practical stuff. If it takes the discovery of an affair to spur you on, then so be it; but personally this man I think has already hurt you beyond repair. But we are all different (thank God!) so naturally we all react differently.

And also, he will want to be friends with you. This is so, in my experience, he has a Plan B; which will be to keep you on the back burner so that he can return if he finds out that his new life is not as pretty as he envisaged. My ex was furious with me for filing for divorce and whilst he was going around openly with OW after he left, and enjoyed holidays with her, he stalled and stalled (and still is, actually) on the divorce. They want to be friends, of course they do, they want to salve their guilty conscience as much as they can.

Take care, and baby steps - but please put yourself first now.

For what it's worth, I personally think Dreaming ought to try and find out, in whatever way she can, whether there's another woman involved in this.

Yes - it SHOULDN'T matter. He's said he wants out, so she should put him out. I agree entirely with that.

The thing with this is that, as someone else said, she's in shock and trying to make excuses for him. "He's depressed, he's being so lovely to me, he wouldn't/couldn't have an affair, it's not his style, losing his mum depressed him" etc etc. All perfectly understandable - but all beside the point. She's even blaming herself - her weight etc.

All of this is preventing her from getting angry, which is what she needs to do. All the time she's convincing herself that he's just some hard done by, misguided chap who needs her support, then he's going to continue trampling all over her and this will go on and on and on until he's decided he's ready to leave.

Surely, if there is an OW (and I'd bet big money that there is) she can see him for who he REALLY is, not who he's pretending to be. Maybe that will help her find the strength & courage to kick his fucking great arse out the door.

Hope you're doing OK, Dreaming.

Although I think saffysmum is the person I'd be heading straight to if I needed advice in this situation, I have to say.