Dh wants to leave

[DreamingofSmoking]

And it has hit me a bit like a bolt of lightning, stupidly, on my part.
I just feel so sad.
He told me two weeks ago today, and has gone on to behave as normal, if not better company most of the time. But he still wants to leave.
He still loves me (although maybe is not in love with me, he doesn't know), but he definitely does not want to be married any more, although he will always care for me, and wants us to be 'best friends' (yeah right! How are we meant to do that without much hurt for me!) and continue to come over and see dc all the time, come on holidays etc.
He will be moving out in September/October time, and I am holding it together at the moment (with some gin and going out with lovely friend), but am terrified I won' be able to hold it together when he eventually goes. I suppose because I forget it's happening, until he brings it up again.
When I think of all the shared history he is throwing away, and all the family time he won't be part of, and all the nights I iwll sit here alone without him I feel so sad.
I really am scared of feeling lonely, and losing all the good times we spend together, but I am not sure I can cope with being great friends with him, because I will still want him to be my dh, not my pal
I just feel so confused and :(

So sorry for you OP. Even if the circumstances are different, so many of us have been where you are right now. Hopefully the message is coming through and will continue to come through loud and strong that, whatever is about to be thrown at you, it will without any doubt get better for you. Unfortunately what you're about to go through is unavoidable as it is a necessary part of grieving and the process is the process, however long it takes.

Now. Couple of things:

You are about to find out with bells on that the man you married no longer exists. it will take you some time to fully acknowledge this, and then you need time to adjust to it. During this time, it is quite likely that, due to desperation, loneliness, anger, temporary madness (call it what you will), you will say, do, act and allow things to happen that you would never consider possible prior to this time. Will it always be this way? Absolutely not. Will you go back to your old self? No. You will emerge stronger and slightly more cynical - not necessarily a bad thing.

You need to take control. Not easy when your life has gone tits up, but don't let the next few months of your life be dictated to by your DH. There is never going to be a good time for him to leave you and the children, so it might as well be now. It won't be any easier/harder now or in September.

Nip these little fantasies he's having in the bud about coming on holiday and dipping in and out of your lives as often as he wants, when he wants right now. This little scenario he is sketching out is to suit him only. He imagines he can play happy families and live his batchelor life with minimum disruption to him. Bugger that. Tell him he can forget it. Arrangements will be to suit you and the children not him. He will fall in with what you and the children need/want at times that suit you. No coming into the house unannounced. He will now be treated as a guest and should behave like one. This is so important OP. In order that you can rebuild your life, you will need to think as a single parent/person. This takes time and practice, and is nigh on impossible if you've got your DH lurking in the background knowing all your business.

I could go on forever but think I shall stop there OP, good luck - you are going to survive this and belong to club where millions of women go on to have happier and more fulfilling lives in spite of their marriage break up.

Just a quick update, then I am going to ask MNHQ to remove a couple of my psts with identifying details.
First, thanks for all your kind words and advice.
We had a really good chat last night, and I am satisfied that there is no OW. I looked at the messages again (in less of a fluster) and realised they were spaced well apart, and they seemed to be arranging to meet up a lot but that was over a space of over 2 years and it was meeting for lunch (they worked near each other). None were deleted, I just read more carefully. I had checked emails the night before and they were clear (work and personal), and I will be checking phone bill, which he has no problem with.
He wasn't angry that i checked his stuff, said it was completely understandable tat I did it, he didn't realise it was looking like OW to me and he has nothing to hide. I also found emails about counselling and stuff from the last few weeks, so I am sure this is whats going on. He has stuff he needs to deal with.
I did tell him that he needs to either commit to working on our marriage so we are both getting what we need from it, or move out immediately. He admitted to being hasty in wanting to leave, not feeling great etc.
So we are going to make it work. He is going to go for counselling to deal with his stuff.
I am sure about no OW, (I know you are probably all shouting at your screens now) and I am not going to throw away a 14 year relationship on one comment.
So we are going to get through this. And I certainly know where to come if it all goes tits up.
Thank you so much.
I am going to name change back to my original name name. Thanks for listening to me. I will keep you updated though.

It's your life, your marriage and your decision. You know where to find us should you need us.

Good luck

Good luck dreaming!

Hope we don't have to hear from you again on this section :)

Best of luck, Dreaming. There are some completely amazing posters on here if you need help in the future (Any Fucker, Cogito etc) so don't hesitate in coming to find them.

In the meantime, I really really hope everything works out for you :) xxx

(No screaming at the screen from me!)

All I'd say to you is 'be on your guard' and expect to start feeling very angry quite soon. Everyone has problems but few choose to resolve them by telling their family they will be abandoned and then carrying on as if nothing has happened. Do not let the natural sense of relief that this crisis is over mean everything goes back to the status quo. He was on the verge of destroying your family and he is still a very cold and very selfish fish .... and at some point in the near future, you'll wake up and realise that.

Good luck

I notice you say you 'will be checking the phone bills, which he has no problem with' but haven't done so yet. I expect he's bluffing in his offer to give them to you, knowing full well that his about-turn regarding leaving you will lead to you not pursuing this, because it would seem churlish and untrustworthy in the face of this 'new start'. If you do pursue this with him, I think you'll find that the relevant bills have mysteriously disappeared or are too difficult to access right now.

I think you're putting your head in the sand. I think as soon as he realised you were getting close to the truth and he might be out on his ear, he knew he had to offer a few crumbs to buy more time.

Sadly I think what will happen now is that you will turn into 'superwife' to try to keep him and ignore the fact that he makes salacious comments to other women about their bodies.

If you want to be absolutely certain that you're not being manipulated to hell and back, then insist on seeing those bills. Because even if he really has decided he wants his marriage, you're not going to be able to rebuild this on a web of lies.

Like I said in my first post, it often happens that a discovery (or in this case an imminent one) produces a complete change of mind, but it only ever works if there is total honesty about the infidelity that triggered this crisis in the first place.

I would like to say one thing, my H did the announcement snd walked out, I made him him and talk to me and we talked for six hours and he agreed to come back but said no guarantees. I walked on eggshells and tried hard to be the person that he wanted me to be. He stayed for six weeks and during that time was texting OW constantly, which I didn't know at the time.

I would rather he had never come back than the half hearted way that he did.

Please do keep an open mind, that's all.

Good luck.

HI this is a first timer here but ive got to tell you that im going thru the same thing. HUsband told me in may that he loves me but not in luv. Weve got two children and have been married 13 years been together 15. Im i shock, i feel sick and gutted. Hes told me ive been too controlling throughout marriage (ive dun all banking, finances, shopping, etc etc) and have stripped him of his masculinity. Hes been going down gym for 2 years now and has dramatically changed his bodyshape and has got in with a load of mates that have the same interest i.e. pumping iron etc. Ive just found out that Im not entitiled to any housing benefit as theres money in the house that we have mortgage on. Am so stuffed. Dont want to move away but may have to and that wil be so disrupting for the children and me.
Am lucky ive got good mates (all married tho) and a loving mum n dad but they cant help me financially at all.
Hes still in our bed tho nothing happening apart from hugs in his sleep. Hes changed so much but i am beating myself up as to whether hes changed cos of me?
I cant afford to stay in house (i work part time) i will get child tax credit but wont be enough to keep house.
Gutted isnt the word. I have good days and bad. I want things to come to a head but i darent push it and he wont talk about it. Hes liviing in a bubble where im still doing all cooking, washing etc cus he still says there could be a chance but then in a nother breath he says he dont want to hug me in bed in case he gives me wrong impression. How crappy is this situation?
Are there anyone else going thru this?
Sad thing is before all this he was the most loving attentive caring man u could meet. He slept downstairs alot last year cus of snoring and thats when relationship started to go downhill as sex wasnt on the agenda much and thats possibily the start but now he doesnt want to touch me.

tlynn - he's getting the best of both worlds with you trying hard to do everything.

Nothing will change this crappy situation until you take control.

This will be hard but it means telling him to move out now that he has told you he does not love you.

As it is he is taking the piss out of you and he will continue to have less and less respect for you.

And stop doing his chores!

@tlynn.... the man I knew that hung out at gyms all day with 'mates' buffing up turned out to be gay. That aside, what he's doing to you is extremely cruel - in bed together but no hugs? - and quite the oppositive of love. Get a solicitor, get the divorce papers rolling and get him out of your house.