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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want DH to abandon us every other weekend

85 replies

GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 17:34

DH and i live abraod with our 2 young DCs. DC is an athlete, he makes a little bit of money from sponsorship but it is not his profession, he has a separate full time career. However he takes his sport very seriously, waking at 5am every week day morning to train before work and then in the evenings too. He doesn't drink any alcohol and eats a very strick diet which i prepare.

Lat night we had THE call from the retired national champion of the country where we live, offering to train him for free. This is a huge opportunity for DH who only entered the sport a few years ago. However it will involve him committing to spending every other weekend away from home in addition to his normal training schedule. This will be for a trial period of 3 months.

DH doesn't want to commit to the opportunity without my 'blessing' but i know he wants this opportunity so so much.

I do not want him to go. DC1 is a Daddy's Girl and a handful, DC2 has just started teething. I am struggling in the day as it is, without any family or close friends around to help. By Friday i am starting to tear my hair out. Not having DH here every other weekend will be a huge strain for me as DC1 is very hard work when Daddy is away (lots of tantrums, not letting me feed DC2 in peace etc).

I don't want to stand in the way of DH potentially reaching great things but i am not sure i can agree to DH committing to this training schedule without resenting him leaving me in the lurch on a regular basis. As it is i feel i have been a very understanding wife, i am just not sure how much patience i have left. What do i do? DH has taken the kids out to give me some space to make a decision, the guy is phoning tonight for DH's decision.

OP posts:

Musomathsci · 03/08/2012 17:37

I think you should let him try it for the 3 month trial period then reassess. Isn't there something you can negotiate for in return? How would you feel if you were the one with the opportunity? Let him do this now, get through it, and have your turn later when then kids are a bit older?

FateLovesTheFearless · 03/08/2012 17:41

Would you rather deny him the opportunity and have him possibly resent you for it? I understand what it can be like, I have the 4dc and separated so I have them all week and all weekend by myself, ex alternate weekends. I really don't think you can not let him do it, it's important to him and you will manage.

CMOTDibbler · 03/08/2012 17:43

I'd give it three months too - it is an amazing opportunity. But at the same time, can you find the money for a bit of help so you get a break when he isn't there ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/08/2012 17:47

Gosh it is a really tough one.

I don't really understand why you are preparing his food though, is he not capable of doing that for yourself?

Can you afford to get any extra help domestically so that the weekends he is gone aren't such a strain?

Original poster

GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 17:50

I don't want to deny him the opportunity, but i feel that by giving him my blessing i will be in a position where i agreed to the situation and therefore can't moan about it too much.

The trial period will be to see whether DH is good enough for this guy to commit to full time training. If he is, it will likely become a permanent situation. I don't feel the trial is to see how i handle being alone with the DCs.

DH will have the car, so DCs and i will probably be stuck at home with no adult company for me.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 03/08/2012 17:53

if you say yes you need a car and some help. Is this financially possible?

I really feel for you as I would hate to be in this situation. I would not want to say yes, but also would not want to be in the position of stopping my DH from achieving his goal.

Original poster

GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 17:54

Alibaba - Money is tight but i could look at employing a local teenager to help with babysitting DC1 in the day time for a couple of hours.

I prepare his food as i am a good wife who tries her best to support DH. Starting to regret it a little now

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 03/08/2012 17:54

I'd let him do it. I would also be having a babysitter/nanny for one day at the weekend and one day in the week.
And a cleaner.

Shodan · 03/08/2012 17:56

Blimey what a tricky situation for you.

I do think that it's something you should absolutely try to give him the chance at, but no way should he be going off with the car and leaving you stranded. Also he should be getting you some extra help for the weekends he is away.

Additionally I'd say he needs to fash for himself wrt preparing his meals and possibly re-jigging his training schedule to give you a break during the week.

Lougle · 03/08/2012 17:59

You may well find that at the end of the three months, your DH is not good enough, your life resumes it's normal pattern, and your DH knows you were there for him.

Or, you can spend the rest of your married life with your DH knowing that you stopped his dream.

I feel for you. I really do. I think that I would feel exactly like you do, but I hope that I would push that feeling aside to support him.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2012 18:03

you need to start being supportive
act like a Rock and confidant
not a me me me princess

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 18:05

Well, on reading the title i was ready to come on here and tell you he was being a cock, but this is a bit different. However, that doesn't invalidate your concerns about how you will cope - and nor should it. You are a team, and you must support your DH, but in return he must sort you - i would tell him you will find it difficult to cope and see if you can work towards a solution between you - an au pair maybe? just at the weekends?

MooncupGoddess · 03/08/2012 18:05

Hmm. Can you turn it back on him and say - OK, but it will be really hard for me and I need X, Y and Z before I can say yes...? If it's his dream then it should be him working out all the practicalities, not you.

The situation you want to avoid is him swanning off every fortnight with your carefully prepared food while you're stuck at home with demanding children, no help and no car, feeling v. resentful.

BlisdergamesbeginPack · 03/08/2012 18:05

I can understand that you are feeling the way you do. But YABU I think. I've been in a similar situation - new country, no support network, two DDs, one a newborn and DH was working away a lot. It might actually spur you on to start making more connections in the community and do things independently IME. I had no car at my disposal too.

This seems like a huge opportunity for him, I would give it my blessings.

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 18:06

scottish mummy she is being a supportive wife, but why should she be a martyr to her DH's sport - yes its a fantastic opportunity, but it should not come at the expense of her family, there needs to be a compromise.

Original poster

GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 18:08

Thank you everybody for your posts. Just reading them has made me realise two things 1. I have to agree to this, i cannot stand in his way and 2. I have already made quite a big sacrafice for his sport - one of the reasons we don't have any weekend friends here is because DH doesn't drink and we barely socialise. His job, his training and family time are all he/we have time for.

Will propose DH buys another car.

OP posts:

lauratheexplorer · 03/08/2012 18:10

I'd feel exactly the same in your position but I also know if I were to say no that there's the possibility that he would resent me for the rest of his life which I couldn't deal with. I'd give him the three months and then reassess. you don't know how you would cope but the three months is enough time to see how you would both live a potentially better life.

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 18:10

Your last post has made me so sad - you have made all the sacrifices here. Its not about standing in his way, its about him recognising that his sport IS impacting on his family and look for ways to make this easier for you. Its all take take take at the moment :(

Xales · 03/08/2012 18:10

3 months is only 6 weekends away.

What if it is decided he is good enough for this training? How could you stop him then? His dream! What about you and the children then for the next who knows how many years?

He can't go and take the car that is very unfair of you. You and the children cannot be stuck inside all weekend.

You need to sit down and have a very serious talk about all the possible outcomes.

Good luck.

tablefor4 · 03/08/2012 18:11

Really hard.

What is the point of all this training? Could DH compete at international level or earn his main living from it? If he could then I would be minded to support it. If the maximum he could reach is simply a very good amateur (albeit receiving a little sponsorship) then I'd be less sympathetic to him disappearing from the family (which is what he is doing).

I think you should let him have a go. But, before then, set out the conditions:

you need time yourself during the week
you need help and/or a car/taxi fund for the weekends
there is a trial period
he needs to specify (timetable) when he is going to spend time with the children during the week that he would otherwise be doing during the weekend.

All-consuming work is one thing. All-consuming hobbies are another.

Does your DH miss seeing your children? Is there any part of him which might back down in a while and think "I've not seen Grey and the mini elephants for 3 weeks, that's rubbish"? hhm... perhaps that's a question best not asked.

for you anyway.

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 18:15

I wonder if the responses would be different if we weren't in the middle of olympic fever just now. Posters are basically saying that the woman has to make all the sacrifices so that the DH can continue with, what at the moment, is his hobby. Yes sport is great, but how good is he? Would he be able to represent his country? make serious money from it? or is it about his ego?

What is more important - his sport, or his family - i hope its his family.

I think you have been a saint so far actually as i wouldnt have any of it, people can call me a selfish princess if they like but something that took my DP away from my DD so much and meant we couldnt function as a proper family unit, woudlnt suit me at all - it would be a deal breaker. Some people can live like that, im not one of them.

posypoo · 03/08/2012 18:15

What a tough one GreyElephant. I think you're right though that you have no choice :( You are obviously a very supportive wife, and you will get through this. But your DH should in return try to find some money to make your life easier, car, help with kids, etc. And he owes you some time to do things that are just for you too. What do you like doing? What would make you feel happy and relaxed every now and then?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/08/2012 18:15

No to him taking the car, that is utterly shit.

I really think you should let him sort his own food out. If he is so committed, let him be. You have the house to run and the children to look after, and there is no way that he could be even considering doing this training if you weren't there picking up the slack in his absence.

piprabbit · 03/08/2012 18:16

I think you need to find some ways of having a life more independent of your DH, so that when he is away training or competing or whatever you have other interests and friends you can turn to.

From what you've said so far, you sound a little lonely and as though you tend to wait around for your DH to notice you all. Having interests and friends of your own might make it easier to bear the time he is away.

Angelico · 03/08/2012 18:16

Tough situation OP - as others have said really feel for you :( I think you know yourself that you can't stop him going for the trial BUT I would definitely attach certain conditions e.g. car, babysitting help, him making more of an effort to socialise. It's a good time to have an honest chat and make sure he understands the sacrifices you are making for him and that family as a whole are making.

The thing is, it may well not work out - but at least you won't have been the one to stand in his way. My BIL was offered a trial with a big football club when he was a teenager but it was abroad and his mum wouldn't let him go. Anything might have happened - he could have gone and injured himself / not been good enough etc but he will always resent her a little for not giving him the chance.

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