I don't want DH to abandon us every other weekend

[GreyElephant]

DH and i live abraod with our 2 young DCs. DC is an athlete, he makes a little bit of money from sponsorship but it is not his profession, he has a separate full time career. However he takes his sport very seriously, waking at 5am every week day morning to train before work and then in the evenings too. He doesn't drink any alcohol and eats a very strick diet which i prepare.

Lat night we had THE call from the retired national champion of the country where we live, offering to train him for free. This is a huge opportunity for DH who only entered the sport a few years ago. However it will involve him committing to spending every other weekend away from home in addition to his normal training schedule. This will be for a trial period of 3 months.

DH doesn't want to commit to the opportunity without my 'blessing' but i know he wants this opportunity so so much.

I do not want him to go. DC1 is a Daddy's Girl and a handful, DC2 has just started teething. I am struggling in the day as it is, without any family or close friends around to help. By Friday i am starting to tear my hair out. Not having DH here every other weekend will be a huge strain for me as DC1 is very hard work when Daddy is away (lots of tantrums, not letting me feed DC2 in peace etc).

I don't want to stand in the way of DH potentially reaching great things but i am not sure i can agree to DH committing to this training schedule without resenting him leaving me in the lurch on a regular basis. As it is i feel i have been a very understanding wife, i am just not sure how much patience i have left. What do i do? DH has taken the kids out to give me some space to make a decision, the guy is phoning tonight for DH's decision.

now you've elaborated on op,and seems likely he want make it pro or big time
given he wasn't nationally selected.
so I suppose what's the plan - where's he realistically see it going

I have no idea where it will go. The guy who wants to train him mentioned competing for the country where we live. But i will never give up my British passport so that idea is out of the question. I don't think me or DCs will directly benefit in any way from him bettering himself as an athlete. Perhaps a happier DH / DF? Certainly a fitter one.

ok,your op it seemed more a sure cert,his opportunity
but he's had that opportunity,and unfortunately a no goer
attachment to athletics must take precedence over family.as it won't be his career,There no big dream waiting to be realised

I'm an athlete and married to one. Thats how we met. I have to admit I do wonder how couples with dissimilar interestes cope. Did your DH do sport when you got together? He must still be quite young if he's at the improving stage in his sport.

I have to admit I think you're being a little selfish. You're not the only one making sacrifices, your DH is making sacrifices - its much easier to sit on your backside and do nothing, never mind hold down a full time job and train and compete. But then I'm quite an achieving person and I feel comfortable around motivated, inspirational people who aspire to more than being the same as everyone else. I think if you try to hold your DH back, rather than support him, he might get a bit fed up.

Its not as if its going to last forever. It depends on the sport, but he will surely have a "window" of a certain number of years. In most sports, those years are gone by mid thirties, so he must surely be very young to be married with two DCs.

You also said you had "no weekend friends" because of your DH. Surely you can make your own friends and don't need your DH to entertain you? It might be a good idea to use this as an opportunity to work on your independence.

Arf at 'DH is making sacrifices'.

Geegee what a totally patronising post.

I just wanted to say I sympathise. My dad was very into a sport (national team but not Olympics) and was away every weekend through the summer plus competitions and working FT. My mum managed but has always resented it.

I think it got a lot easier as we got older and more helpful and self-sufficient but it was hard. On the plus(ish) side, me and my siblings are very close to my mum. My dad has since said he feels a bit left out and it has been gently pointed out to him that his opting out might just have something to do with it. I don't think the regrets are completely one way.

It sounds like you've agreed a sensible compromise though. I hope if works out for you.

Geegee wins the prize for being sanctimonious, that is for sure

Geegee I have no idea what sport you compete in but I award you the Gold Medal for being up your own athletic arse.

So what do you think about children having to make sacrifices? because this man is expecting his DD to sacrifice time with him so that he can do his hobby. Unless he is a professional, thats all it is.

OK, I admit it was somewhat patronising (not intended, but that is how it reads back). But have spent years in sport (triathlon then running) and have heard the same tales over and over again. Nearly always from men, complaining about their wives who don't give them enough time to train/don't support them, etc.. Sometimes it has to be said looking for something on the side. I'm fed up with them. They want the security of a supportive, loving wife at home but the freedom of the life they had before they married. Always the same story. I can't think of any women in the respective sports who have the same problems, they seem to combine or stop without all the big sacrificial stuff.

Geegee you're talking from the view of two people who share the same ambition and Passion. Presumably op's Dh knew she didn't share this when he committed to having two children with her.
I also may be wrongly assuming that op is abroad because of Dh's job, so already had had to give up family and friends.
Not easy to put emotional energy in to forging new friendships with a baby and 3 year old, and you're not on home turf.
So lots of other factors here to account for when considering op's feelings.

Gosh, this is a difficult one!

I personally would allow DH to take this opportunity because I would never want to squash anyone's dream. But I would put in the proviso that I would need transport and some extra help with DCs on his weekends away.

Just because he did not make the GB team doesn't mean that he is not 'good enough'. It could be a sport where competition is fierce in GB and there are lots of potential candidates for the GB team. There is always a reason to make those 'fine line' decisions and 'having a young family' is, IMO, probably one of them. Matthew Pinsett wrote an article last month and said that Sir Steve Redgrave was the only rower he knew who had a wife who was willing to have children when her husband was still striving to be the best in his field!

I am still not sure whether after the 3 month assessment, you mean that DH could be taken on permanently for training (only) - meaning an even greater commitment - or whether 'taken on permanently' means that he would give up his career and be paid as a full-time athlete.

I did support my DH in a change of career and then further pursuit of research (including attending / leading conferences). That meant that I took full responsibility for his youngest DD who we were bringing up together without any support from her Mum. My Dsd was older than your children though. Dsd and I formed a 'new team' to support her DF. I did lay out what I would need in order to make it work and, funnily enough, one of the things was that he had to buy a 2nd, cheaper car to transport himself and I would keep our family car for myself and Dsd. And there breaks a memory . He bought a Citroen Diane that was a 2-stroke and could hardly go faster than 40 miles an hour. He called it his "Buzz Bomb" because it putt-putt-putted along.

I was 'paid back'in spades years later when Dsd left home for her own professional training and I was supported in building my own career. We even had to re-locate for my career at one point - and it was a 'done deal' in DH's eyes.

The key was that we discussed it, as you are, as a family. We looked at the potential problems and came up with the solutions. The decisions were joint decisions and once we made them we didn't whinge at each other.

You can re-evaluate in 3 months OP. Keep a diary if you choose to go ahead and ask OH to do the same.

Maybe more time with you and your dd will be a good thing in the end?

geegee888 - you do know that there are other things to achieve in other than athletics? I'm just checking in case you havent been anywhere but your athletics club recently!

OP's DH has had his chance, he was not good enough and too old which means that he wont get better (putting it bluntly).

OP - I think that you are being very supportive to give your DH your blessing for this. However, I think you do need to sit down with him before it starts and set conditions:

• his 'other' weekend when home is family time (all of it)
• You agree between you what he expects to achieve say by the end of the year.

If he cannot hold to these then as others say then it will be time for the 'big talk'.

I am a keen gardener, I would like to be the best gardener I could be. However, I have 3 DCs and lots of commitments.

Life is a compromise, athletics isnt special, it's just another hobby.

Thanks Gnome, I'm a dentist which I think is a reasonably good career. Funnily enough, quite a lot of my colleagues do similar sports and its pretty good for networking and getting jobs. I have a couple of friends who are on international teams, one running in the Olympics, who holds down a professional career as well - she's an engineer. I was never good enough to achieve more in sport but then you always wonder if you had committed more, you might have made it...

In terms of achievement, I wouldn't say career was any greater or lesser achievement than achieving high in sport. Career, you make money, usually for someone else. Sport, you generally do it for yourself. Its very pure, but no less an achivement.

In the OP's case, it really depends on the sport. If its rowing or sailing or something, it might not be too late for him. If its cycling, athletics or triathlon, possibly too late. Particularly triathlon - the national squad is pretty much sewn up and be wary of taking the Age Group scene too seriously. True, a couple of athletes have come through it to international standard but they're generally early twenties.

Do you have a family though geegee - for me, family trumps careers and hobbies, no matter how "good" they are.

Whilst I see that geegee888 has caused some friction with her patronising post, please don't say that athletics isnt special, it's just another hobby. For some people it will become a career.

I represented my County in a sport but never made it to National Level.

My youngest brother was National Champion in his (different) sport. I lost a BIL a few months ago in final training for selection for his sport (heart attack).

sadwidow - i think people just reacting to how the DH seemed to think that his sport was more important than his family. When he clearly is not going to be professional - he is sacrificing his family for something that is solely for himself.

I am so sorry to hear about your BIL

You are right, for some, few, people it will become a career, for most, it is a hobby.

geegee, I was responding to your original post. Your second one was far more errrr.. reasonable.

For most people life is a compromise. If you want to achieve the peaks then you should accept that other things have to give. Often this is family/relationships which give. The problem is that if you have already made commitments to family then you are going to be considered a selfish arse if you cast them aside to achieve your dream.

I would be having my doubts about what this coach wants out of it. First off does he have any coaching skills? Being a former athlete wont make him a good coach.

What does he want out of it? The danger is that he is essentially looking for canon fodder for his new young hopeful. Building a stable of also rans to act as pacemakers.

Give it three months but have another talk at the end of it OP.

Lucy, I am still not clear from the OP's posts whether this is a potential career or not. I have read back and I am not understanding 'it could become permanent'. So do you see why I am ambivalent?

I supported my DH in a change of career and beyond. But it was a family decision (see my previous post). I just hope that we don't muddy the waters with 'athletics v career' ..... there are loads of spouses (both genders) who support their partner's chosen career paths and keep family and home together.

I hear what Gnome and the Op are saying about the intentions of the former athlete - is it vicarious reward? So, how about OP asks for a meeting with the potential coach (with her DH) and really focuses on the realities and any issues that need to be addressed? Perhaps the potential coach could offer some solutions if the DH is worth training for the next Olympics. (DH already has some small sponsorship - perhaps with a 'heavyweight' behind him, there may be a little car from somewhere.)

Gosh, I am thinking aloud here!

ask him if you can take a lover for that weekend

geegee, surely it is about what the terms of your relationship were when you got into it and had kids?

Fair play to you if you and your husband spend weekends doing athletics training, but if GreyElephant had kids with her husband on the grounds of them both looking after them, only to be confronted with this new development, that's a bit different, surely? She might have had them with a different man who wasn't going to head off every weekend if she'd known?

Don't wait until you feel like you need to ask for extra help and don't wait until the three months are up before you get a second car. By then, you may well be tearing your hair out. Weekends without a car or a husband could be really hard, could you hire one or ask DH to find another way of commuting to his training location. And the babysitter is not a back up for when you are on your knees, you should plan it so that you can have a few hours a week to allow yourself to think without having responsibility for your children. It is not an unreasonable request.

This is the kind of thing I think you have to go along with if you are committed to each other. 3 months is not long in the scale of a lifetime. I would think like a forces wife rather than a golf widow, if you see what I mean.

However, worth the two of you discussing now what could happen if he was offered a permanent position. Would he have to give up his FT job? Would he reduce his hours at work e.g. work 4 days a week, and could you take a part-time job e.g. 2 or 3 days a week, and could you manage on that combined family income? Do either of you need to start job-hunting in some way now? Do you have to think about downsizing your home?

Also, is he very nice for your whole family to be with the rest of the time? If he needs to help more with bedtimes or something the weekends he is at home with you, discuss that too!