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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want DH to abandon us every other weekend

85 replies

GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 17:34

DH and i live abraod with our 2 young DCs. DC is an athlete, he makes a little bit of money from sponsorship but it is not his profession, he has a separate full time career. However he takes his sport very seriously, waking at 5am every week day morning to train before work and then in the evenings too. He doesn't drink any alcohol and eats a very strick diet which i prepare.

Lat night we had THE call from the retired national champion of the country where we live, offering to train him for free. This is a huge opportunity for DH who only entered the sport a few years ago. However it will involve him committing to spending every other weekend away from home in addition to his normal training schedule. This will be for a trial period of 3 months.

DH doesn't want to commit to the opportunity without my 'blessing' but i know he wants this opportunity so so much.

I do not want him to go. DC1 is a Daddy's Girl and a handful, DC2 has just started teething. I am struggling in the day as it is, without any family or close friends around to help. By Friday i am starting to tear my hair out. Not having DH here every other weekend will be a huge strain for me as DC1 is very hard work when Daddy is away (lots of tantrums, not letting me feed DC2 in peace etc).

I don't want to stand in the way of DH potentially reaching great things but i am not sure i can agree to DH committing to this training schedule without resenting him leaving me in the lurch on a regular basis. As it is i feel i have been a very understanding wife, i am just not sure how much patience i have left. What do i do? DH has taken the kids out to give me some space to make a decision, the guy is phoning tonight for DH's decision.

OP posts:
Xales · 03/08/2012 18:16

One other question.

If he is good enough to be taken on for this shouldn't he train every weekend?

Or is that just my opinion?

scottishmummy · 03/08/2012 18:16

you set him some parameters, what you need too
you get some social time,shared parenting when he's around
you make sure you feel fulfilled too,and not wholly beholden to his athletics.this can be achieved whilst he pursues athletics.you work out plan so you feel less in lurch

mummyonvalium · 03/08/2012 18:22

Personally OP I would let him go. Not letting him go would build up huge resentments and it would not be fair on him to stop if it is something that he really loves - just imagine yourself in that situation.

I know it is tough and it puts extra strain on you - maybe when he is around he should give you more help with the kids to give you a rest. How about looking at buying a cheap runaround just so you can at least go places with the kids?

OddBoots · 03/08/2012 18:24

Is it possible for him to take annual leave on the Fridays or Mondays of the weekends he is away so he can do some parenting on those days? At least until your little one is less work.

How old is your oldest, is pre-school on the horizon? It sounds like there is more to this than the weekends away.

scottishmummy · 03/08/2012 18:25

just because he doesnt drink alcohol or socialize doesn't mean you can't
you need life too.can you meet other folk, existing pals
let him follow dream,but you set self some goals.something just for you

oscarwilde · 03/08/2012 18:25

Err - cheap runaround for him to take for the training weekend....?
Let him go and support him but make it clear how much it is impacting you all already, that you need more support and that if it turns into a longer term opportunity that he needs to start thinking about how it is going to be managed emotionally (for you and the kids) and financially.

SirBoobAlot · 03/08/2012 18:29

You sound really fed up. Do you get much support at all?

I think you're right, you don't really have much choice. BUT you can set conditions. "You've asked for my blessing, well, this is what I need to be completely comfortable and supportive of your choice". That's not unfair, by the way, you already sound like you're doing more than your fair share.

You certainly need transport, and some help both with the children and around the house, even if it is just for one day of the two weekends a month he is away. That is not unreasonable at all.

(And tell him to learn to cook, FFS.)

BlueCanary · 03/08/2012 18:31

A really tricky situation. I think you have no choice but to make the sacrifice. But if it were me I would be making it clear that it IS a sacrifice, and laying down my conditions.

Those may be him taking on more responsibility for preparing his/your meals, giving you a break on the weekends he is there etc.

But he should know that whilst you are supportive, you are also a human being in your own right (not some babysitting housekeeper), and you need plenty of appreciation.

BlueCanary · 03/08/2012 18:32

Basically, be supportive and generous, but not a doormat/martyr.

Original poster
GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 18:34

xales he trains three times a day by himself, every other weekend is training with this ex athlete guy.

He has already competed on an international level but was not selected for GB squad on account of his age and the fact he has a family.

Can't help but thinking that the guy who wants to train him is trying to revive his participation in the sport because of Olympic fever. Maybe i am being cynical.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 03/08/2012 18:39

I think you should say yes and really try hard to make friends in your community who will be able to offer support and help

VivaLeBeaver · 03/08/2012 18:40

If he's already not been selected for GB team as he's too old then what's the benefit of this extra training? Am genuinely interested as I'm guessing it can't be to increase his chances of selection, etc if he's already too old.

Dogsmom · 03/08/2012 18:41

I seem to disagree with the masses here, I wouldn't be happy at all, you both chose to have children and they are the responsibility of you both, if he currently has a full time career plus a heavy training schedule he must be away a heck of a lot already and I think you are a saint to put up with it, let alone being away for whole weekends.

I think having children requires sacrifice on both sides and it seems it's you and your kids making all of them.

ladyWordy · 03/08/2012 18:42

On the basis of a forum post and that he's your DH, I would say - yes.

Though this is what I'm hearing:

  • DH is going to follow his dream in addition to the athletic commitment he's already made, and his job, which brings status (I presume), and leaves very little time for the family.

  • You are going to commit even more time and energy than you already do to running your joint home, supporting him, and bringing up your very small children - who have two parents - and none of this brings you much status or income (I presume). All with no support and no family nearby.

So, Yes, BUT?..

You need in order to make this work, and to make it fair to you.

I speak as someone who also feels she will be picking up extra work, so someone else can follow their dream. It's OK but?.I was not instantly delighted at the prospect.

mumblechum1 · 03/08/2012 18:44

It would be a no-brainer for me; I would never stand in the way of DH achieving his dream, and would do whatever it took to support him. He'd do the same for me.

bakingaddict · 03/08/2012 18:46

He made his decision when he had a family...seems selfish of him to think that he should now persue his dreams of Olympic glory or whatever while leaving you abdonded and picking up the pieces of family life

You always have a choice, decide what's best for you and the family dont make him the centre stage and like everybody has said attach conditions if you do decide to go along with it. Good luck for you all!

Original poster
GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 18:47

Viva DH just wants to be the best he personally can, that's all.

DH is back. Will say yes

OP posts:
sarahtigh · 03/08/2012 18:52

it is hard on families Bradley Wiggins said so himself he has just been away 3 weeks on tour de france then away training for olympics he will be so tired now he will not be up to much then weeks holiday with family and he'll be off training again, ok he is really good but there was a time= when he had to do all hard slog without financial backing he now has etc

your Dh is obviosuly good very good though not olympics good and it is a huge sacrifce for families

there is another thread about kids and sport and its same sacrifice then taking super sporty kid to all matches and trainign but what about other siblings they have to go too and spend weekends watching bored

its a very difficult question, no easy answers

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 18:52

your last post has made me totally change my mind - he needs to grow up and be a family man, hes had his chance, for whatever reason, he wasn't up to it. Its tough, but all that best her personally can business, tell him to do his best to look after his family.

tablefor4 · 03/08/2012 18:53

I asked too about what the best possible outcome could be. Your answer has made me tip my mind a bit.

DH just wants to be the best he personally can

As an athlete.

Not as a father or husband, or possibly worker for his employer.

This is, and will only be a hobby. GB have turned him down, and presumably will always now do so. DH needs to realise that.

Trial period only. With conditions. And Wine.

If the trial period looks like it's going to continue, we are in into Serious Discussion time.

tablefor4 · 03/08/2012 18:56

Re-reading your post. Was he not selected because he has a family? Was that cited as reason? Seems rather odd to me.

He is definitely over-compensating now.

justonemorethread · 03/08/2012 19:05

I think the best way to get yourself through it is to get help at the weekends. Depending on where you are abroad, but in most countries it is possible to find 'home help', some countries it's the norm.
Up until last year I was an Expat wife with a preschoolers and baby.
I knew I was miserable. Only now I'm back and look back and realise quite how unhappy I was. Don't know why I put up with it, was too caught up with the daily drudge.

Only the last 6 months I woke up, got help and started having my own life again.

I may go abroad again but never again will I throw 2 years of my life like that again (being miserable, actually not that much to do with the children as the circumstances ) .

Please do whatever it takes to assert your needs as well.

Original poster
GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 19:10

DH has agreed to another car if the trial continues after three months. Also agreed to some paid help on the weekends and taking holiday time off work in the week when i feel i it. He also told me that it gets too much. ie. if i start to feel i want to divorce him, he will quit his sport for good. Mmmm.

Thank you everybody for your help. Never asked a forum for personal advice before but without my friends back home around i needed MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyElephant · 03/08/2012 19:16

table yes i was told that by someone else, not DH.

OP posts:
justonemorethread · 03/08/2012 19:17

You need the car now. Maybe i'm projecting my experiences on you, but are you in a country with public transport?
If not, then he gets himself cheapo old banger and you keep family car.
Very common in couples living abroad IME.