I don't want DH to abandon us every other weekend

[GreyElephant]

DH and i live abraod with our 2 young DCs. DC is an athlete, he makes a little bit of money from sponsorship but it is not his profession, he has a separate full time career. However he takes his sport very seriously, waking at 5am every week day morning to train before work and then in the evenings too. He doesn't drink any alcohol and eats a very strick diet which i prepare.

Lat night we had THE call from the retired national champion of the country where we live, offering to train him for free. This is a huge opportunity for DH who only entered the sport a few years ago. However it will involve him committing to spending every other weekend away from home in addition to his normal training schedule. This will be for a trial period of 3 months.

DH doesn't want to commit to the opportunity without my 'blessing' but i know he wants this opportunity so so much.

I do not want him to go. DC1 is a Daddy's Girl and a handful, DC2 has just started teething. I am struggling in the day as it is, without any family or close friends around to help. By Friday i am starting to tear my hair out. Not having DH here every other weekend will be a huge strain for me as DC1 is very hard work when Daddy is away (lots of tantrums, not letting me feed DC2 in peace etc).

I don't want to stand in the way of DH potentially reaching great things but i am not sure i can agree to DH committing to this training schedule without resenting him leaving me in the lurch on a regular basis. As it is i feel i have been a very understanding wife, i am just not sure how much patience i have left. What do i do? DH has taken the kids out to give me some space to make a decision, the guy is phoning tonight for DH's decision.

GeeGee DH competed in a different sport when we first met but it wasn't very accessible and he suffered injuries. He changed his discipline a few years ago and has since excelled. So yes i knew he was always into sports but it was not in such a big way.

Forget the Olympics, DH is more concerned with competing in National and International comps like World Cups, Masters etc. Here he is still able to compete alongside the guys representing their countries in the Olympics, the fields are so much wider. In the Olympics only a tiny percentage of the GB team actually get to compete.

This would never be a paid career for DH as he actually has quite a well paid job now and only the big big athletes like Redgrave, Hoy etc make a great living from their sports.

Well, thats the crunch of the matter Crazyhead. Its one of the reasons I was attracted to him, we have similar interests. Most women I know in sport have sporty partners, but some of the men seem to deliberately pick non sporty women and then, once they're established, announce they want to take sport more seriously once they have that security. I'm not sure why they do it this way round and I guess it probably isn't particularly "fair" - however you measure that.

If my DH was even likely to make international standard, I'd probably be delighted. And he would do the same for me. Theres a lot of obsessive age groupers around who sacrifice everything for IMHO too low a level of sport. And theres a lot of coaches out there who want to make a name for themselves by getting as many of their athletes in the results as possible. But the OP's DH must be pretty good if he has sponsorship?

I wonder if the OP feels able to reveal which sport it is and how old her DH is?

I think you have to be having a lot of very realistic discussions.

Regarding sponsorship, is it tied to club memebership? (eg elite squad getting X paid for). Where will this new training deal leave this?

I think you need to talk honestly. Is this DH's last chance at greatness? (in an athletic sense only)

Get it out there and talk about it. Your DH is obviously good at motivating himself. Should he in fact be looking at coaching?

Even Hoy and Redgrave never 'made a lot of money' from competing. They had sponsors - but it wasn't megga bucks.

Steve Redgrave and other athletes are now paid as BBC broadcasters. Well that's a job for 4-6 weeks every 4 years (Olympics) plus Commonwealth and World.

Redgrave, Whitbread, and Hoy et al are also motivational speakers - but how much money does that bring in?

I think we have to go back to the OP's issue:

*THE CALL came in last night...

DH doesn't want to commit to the opportunity without my 'blessing' but i know he wants this opportunity so so much. *

IMO OP - you should let him do it with additional support for yourself. Make it a totally family commitment and try not to whinge for the next 3 months.

I have suggested that you each keep a diary. My DH and I did that as he was travelling in his new career. We swapped diaries as we met up - both of us just left them on the kitchen table. We read each others diaries when we were ready and if we wanted to. It was an eye-opener to see each other's point of view and emotion recorded contemporaneously.

I feel very sorry for you OP. This wouldn't be so bad if you were at home near family and friends but coping with it in a different country puts a very different perspective on it all.

Your DH doesn't seem to understand that the DCs are his too. He is behaving exactly like he would if he were single. You get no break and very little support from him.

If he has such a well paid job why is money so tight that you can't get some help or use a nursery?

I agree with all those saying give it three months. However at the end of the three months if it is to continue you need a nursery place for one or two days a week and a car. Maybe some help at home too. You need a break and some opportunity to do something by yourself.

It sounds to me as though your DH is the one getting the good deal here and you are expected to put up and shut up, like the little woman at home that he thinks you are. I'm amazed that some on here are condoning his attitude. What about your ambitions? What about time for yourself to do as you please? How do these factor into the equation. Because to me it looks as though the only person he cares about pleasing is himself

You need a car in the next three months too. He can rent one for his weekends.

I think you should either give him a lift, or he should get a moped, or use public transport/hire a car to get there.

It's daft & unfair to have you stranded with the kids while he pursues this. Even for the three months.

He needs to work out ways of making your life easier while he does his thing. And you need to build yourself a social network.

I'm sorry to disagree with some posters, but if someone has an exceptional talent, in sport, the arts, a high-flying career, they will not be able to achieve their potential AND live a normal family life. It is a recipe for disaster to try to rein them in and hold them back. It's not going to be for ever. And, if he is successful, both the OP and her children will be able to be very proud of his achievements. Yes, they will miss out on some things, but the rewards could be much greater.

i think you must be at a low ebb at the moment, OP to be even considering saying No. You will have family time on alternate weekends. It's only a trial period. I think you could gain a lot of satisfaction and self respect in making a success of it, becoming less dependent, extending your social circle. You will become a stronger woman and perhaps develop ambitions of your own. And one day, it will be your turn and you'll be in a better position to make the most of it.

The OP decided to agree, and her DH did his bit in offering support. So, a good outcome.