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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you put your husband before family?

81 replies

owleye · 02/08/2012 20:41

My husband is always complaining I spend too much time with my mum and sisters, its getting really bad, he seems so jealous. The thing is most of the time I spend with my family he is at work so I really cant see the problem, what does he want me to do sit at home?

We had a massive row earlier on this subject as we have done many times but he just seems so bitter about it all. He doesnt have much family in the area and his family are not as close as mine but he seems almost resentful that my family is so close. Also my family never exclude him, always invite him, make him feel welcome etc.

Just looking for some views on this as he's got me questioning myself. His view is that once you get married you should leave your family and put your husband first. Do you agree?

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 02/08/2012 20:42

His view is that once you get married you should leave your family and put your husband first. Do you agree?

No. He sounds extremely controlling. Do you not work or are you at home with children?

BertieBotts · 02/08/2012 20:43

To an extent, but not totally, and he sounds controlling if he's saying you spend "too much" time with them. Hmm WTF? Also jealousy of family or platonic friends is a red flag, too.

sugarice · 02/08/2012 20:44

What did the earlier row entail, that you weren't at home?

Original poster
owleye · 02/08/2012 20:46

I work but have been on leave for last 3 weeks with kids and he's been on my back about spending days out with my sis and her kids. Its really getting me down feel as though I have to wait until he's left the house before I can.

OP posts:
Offred · 02/08/2012 20:46

I would consider my husband and own family a priority over my parents, siblings etc but they are still my family. In practice what this means is sometimes if someone in my family has a need which is greater than my husband's and those needs are in competition then I would prioritise the family member. If they are equal and in competition then my husband etc would "win"...

It sounds v. Unreasonable to tell you what to do with your time when he isn't with you. Big red flag in my mind...

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 20:47

I don't put my family first, i don't put my DP first - theres no heirache (sp!!)

I don't see what the problem is? If you were spending ALL your time with your family to the exclusion of him, or maybe spending too much time around their houses and ignoring the kids (im not saying you are, just if) then it might be a little unfair of you, but he is being selfish and it is very worrying behaviour.

How is he about you seeing friends? getting a job?

amillionyears · 02/08/2012 20:47

How many hours a day/week do you spend with them?
And do you tell them stuff that you dont tell him,ie are you emotionally excluding him?
And are there things you ought to be doing,but are neglecting?
Just asking.Just trying to find out if he is being unreasonable.

tribpot · 02/08/2012 20:47

How would not seeing your family whilst your H is at work be putting him first? His argument seems completely illogical (not to mention stupid).

It sounds like he just wants something to criticise. Very odd.

amillionyears · 02/08/2012 20:48

x post

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 20:49

crossed posts with your last post - so please ignore my previous post, you are doing what normal people do, you have time off you are spending it with your family/friends and your children. Your children will love spending time with their cousins.

You feel you have to wait until he leaves the house before you can??? nip this in the bud NOW

Is he controlling in other aspects of the relationship?

Akermanis · 02/08/2012 20:50

Shame he didn't let you know this before you got married at least then you could've made an informed choice.

You must do what you feel is right if he can't accept that then, well, you know what happens next.

GnomeDePlume · 02/08/2012 20:52

I dont agree that this is necessarily controlling. I was talking about this issue with someone the other day. Is your DH a nuclear family person or an extended family person?

The person I was talking to was definitely an extended family person (as it sounds you are). She would think nothing of spending an hour chatting to a member of her extended family for an hour while out shopping with her DP.

The problem was that her DP is a a nuclear family person. There's the rub. He couldnt understand why she wanted to spend so much time with these people who were strangers to him but also were not to him 'family'.

Nuclear family and extended family people stare at each other over a chasm of incomprehension.

I'm a nuclear family person so really cant understand why you want to spend so much time with your extended family.

So, I would agree with your DH but I suspect that will be a minority view!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/08/2012 20:52

My DH is my family and I would always always put him first

But that is because he is amazing and treats me so well, I have no doubts that he would always put me first too

It can't work if it's only one way, and if your DH is being controlling then he's certainly not putting you first op

tribpot · 02/08/2012 20:54

But Gnome: (a) this is the OP's mother and sisters, not extended family and (b) the DH isn't even there! It's not like she's spending time with them at the expense of time with him.

Original poster
owleye · 02/08/2012 20:55

I probably see them around 3-4 times a week, we all live with in 5 mins drive from each other and babysit etc, help each other out.

I dont feel I neglect anything around the house, I do all of the cleaning and most of the cooking around the house. I am always home before he returns from work. This is what I dont get I always ask him what plans he has if he has a day off coming up and we spend the day together but this week he said he didnt want to spend the day with me and the children I should do my own thing, so I did, he rang me ranting and raving down the phone so people could hear I was so embarrassed.

He is not so bad when I see my friends but I probably only see them about once a month or so.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/08/2012 20:58

He sounds controlling and a little bit horrible. Why do you have to be home before he gets home from work?

What was he like before you got married and had kids?

HecateHarshPants · 02/08/2012 21:02

My husband is my family. My husband and my children. Yes. I put them first.

If my relatives aka extended family need me, then I'll go to them. I spend time with them. I love them. But who comes first IS my family and my family is the man I married and the children we had.

If my husband needed me at the same time as my children needed me - my children would get me. If my husband needed me at the same time as my mum needed me - my husband would get me. iyswim. (assuming need was same. See below!)

I don't think you should 'leave' your relatives once you get married, but I do think that you should see the person you married as your family and the home you share as your home (how many times do you hear people talking about 'home' when they mean their parents house?)

But that's just my pov. Just answering the question. Grin

When he says you should put your husband first, what does he mean by this? Get him to give examples. Does he not want you to spend all day every day with your mum and sisters? Why? If he's at work? How does it affect him? What would he rather you be doing and why? How does he feel you should be showing him that he 'comes first'? What does that mean? I mean, for me it means if my child is hurt and my husband is hurt, then I see to my child first, but if my husband is hurt and my child wants a sandwich then I see to my child first. iyswim. It's not an unmoveable thing, it's based on need.

Make him explain and justify his position, not talk vaguely about 'putting him first'

I am waffling and totally incoherent now. So will stop Grin

HecateHarshPants · 02/08/2012 21:03

x-post.

ranting and raving. About what?

I don't want to be with you today, bugger off and do something by yourself. But don't do anything or I will yell at you.

Hmm

Were you supposed to stay in the house, weeping because he wasn't there?

sugarice · 02/08/2012 21:04

Didn't want to spend the day with you and the children! so he had something else planned but didn't like you being with family and has a massive go at you?

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:06

you need to take a look at your last post!! "i dont feel as if i neglect anything around the house" you sound like a stepford wife! He has you programmed already. You are always home before him??? Is he incapable of looking after himself?

He rants and raves at you down the phone? what form do the rows take face to face???

Im actually really worried for you - he wants to isolate you, it is emotional abuse and i never call that on here, i often see the other side and get flamed for it, but this time - tell him to fuck off, seriously

Original poster
owleye · 02/08/2012 21:12

I know you are right lucyellensmum...

I never used to be like this, everything is always my fault in his eyes, if I had not prepared his meal and tidied the kitchen before he came home all hell would break loose, this is not normal is it?

OP posts:
Offred · 02/08/2012 21:14

Gnome, it is controlling because he is trying to steamroller her feelings and choices. If he thinks the nuclear family is the be all and end all that's his choice, what is it to him what his wife thinks and why is he trying to make her comply? Remember he is not feeling pushed out by her choosing to spend time with them instead of him, he's irritated she spends time with them at all and that just isn't any of his business unless you believe women become the property of the man on marriage.

Offred · 02/08/2012 21:15

No owleye, hope it isn't normal, definitely is not healthy, or happy Sad

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:16

It definately isn't normal, and it sounds scary tbh - what do you mean by all hell breaks lose? Does he make you happy? at ALL???

Portofino · 02/08/2012 21:18

No - not normal - and nor is being THAT concerned about how you spend your time when he is at work. Big red flags!

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