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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you put your husband before family?

81 replies

owleye · 02/08/2012 20:41

My husband is always complaining I spend too much time with my mum and sisters, its getting really bad, he seems so jealous. The thing is most of the time I spend with my family he is at work so I really cant see the problem, what does he want me to do sit at home?

We had a massive row earlier on this subject as we have done many times but he just seems so bitter about it all. He doesnt have much family in the area and his family are not as close as mine but he seems almost resentful that my family is so close. Also my family never exclude him, always invite him, make him feel welcome etc.

Just looking for some views on this as he's got me questioning myself. His view is that once you get married you should leave your family and put your husband first. Do you agree?

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:18

there are far more issues here than her not being "allowed" to spend time with her family :(

GnomeDePlume · 02/08/2012 21:27

For me, parents and siblings are extended family.

Like I said, you do end up staring at each other over a chasm of incomprehension.

It does depend on what the argument is really about. In the OP it was about spending too much time with family.

Now a bit more has been dripped in and it is actually about the split of chores.

From what has been posted so far I cant really see what exactly the problem is. Not saying there isnt a problem just saying that it isnt really clear yet..

IMO they need to sit down and discuss and find out what the real issue is.

Original poster

owleye · 02/08/2012 21:35

I guess he does make me happy some of the time, we do have happy times together but not all of the time, we will go along everything fine for a while then it will all kick of again.

After the row last time he said he was genuinely sorry for the way he had treated me something he doesnt often say as he fails to see my point of view but the next day he changed his mind and said that it was all my fault and he could see that now from the way I had behaved the following morning not paying him enough attention etc.

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:40

Gnome - he berates her for spending time with her family, when he is at WORK, he told her he didnt want to spend time with her and the family, "all hell breaks lose" if she doesnt not only have his meal ready but the kitchen cleared up before he comes home, and you can't see what the problem is???? Have i entered a time warp????? really? come on!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/08/2012 21:40

It's not normal and it's certainly not ok

Are the good times good because you have been 'behaving'?

You should feel safe and secure and relaxed in your own home, but it sounds like you walk on eggshells

You deserve better op

CrapBag · 02/08/2012 21:44

Kick off because they kitchen wasn't tidy?

He sounds controlling and like someone who wants his little wife at home whilst he is out at work being 'the man'.

I really don't see why you going out to see your family is a problem. Its not like you are leaving him behind, he isn't even there!! It sounds to me like he wants to distance you from them. Please don't give in.

CrapBag · 02/08/2012 21:46

Oh and my husband and children do come first in general, but if my family really needed me then I am there for them. They are my family and just because I am married does not mean that I would be there any less for them. I don't see that you would reduce contact with the people you grew up with just because you are married.

Original poster

owleye · 02/08/2012 21:49

Yes I do walk on eggshells to some extend trying to keep him happy and find it hard to balance my life. I sometimes even hide my phone so that he doesnt hear text messages coming in just to save the arguments.

He is due home now so may have to go soon thank you so much for your replies I really appreciate it am reading them through tears realising what my marriage has become.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 02/08/2012 21:51

The original post was about time spent with family. According to OP he complains not berates. Perhaps he felt they were overly influencing, who knows?

In the second post it was now about chores being done.

Two different things. That is why I said that IMO they need to sit down and talk together and listen to find out what the real problem is. Would counselling help to provide a third party to help them talk.

Because on MN we only hear one side I am loathe to label one person the villain of the piece.

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:52

Change it, stick up for yourself, put him in his place, he needs a shake up because i tell you, i couldn't live like that!

CrapBag · 02/08/2012 21:53

Oh dear, you hide your phone and you are in tears about your marriage.

I think you should have a really good think about whether this marriage is right. Would he consider going to relate? Would you want to do this? Basically it can't carry on as it is. It is just going to make you more unhappy.

I really hope you are ok and please come back and let us know that you are. [[[[[hugs]]]]]

Portofino · 02/08/2012 21:54

It is so NOT normal to live like this. He sounds abusive. My dh is not perfect by any means, but I phoned him from the pub to say his dinner was in the freezer once in a while there would NO issue. If he came home and I was working, or had a shit day and nothing was done, there would be no issue. If I took a weekend off and went to see friends or family, there would be no issue.

WildWorld2004 · 02/08/2012 21:54

If my dh told me that i wasnt allowed to spend time with my family (especially if he was at work or didnt want to do anything with me) then he would have his bags packed & would b out the door.

Lucyellensmum99 · 02/08/2012 21:55

I am usually exactly the same as you Gnome, i hate it when everyone shouts "leave the bastard" because as you say, there is always another side to the story, but the OP posts in such a defeated and apologetic way, it screams EA.

mrsmillsfanclub · 02/08/2012 22:11

I think this occurs in far more marriages than we think. Most men wouldn't dream of showing a reaction as much as the op's husband did, but I do think men can feel very threatened when their wives have a very close relationship with their mums and siblings. It's almost like they revert to children, 'why am I bored at work while you're having a jolly time with your family?'. Pathetic, yes but far more common than we think.
By the way I am not justifying the husband's behaviour at all.

lastnerve · 02/08/2012 22:51

Jesus Christ why are you still with him!!!

are you meant to become an orphan/only child when you married?

BertieBotts · 02/08/2012 23:15

Yes emotional abuse is very common, mrsmills, and often minimised too, which is why it seems like it should be rare. It's awful that in 2012 this is still the case

DoingItForMyself · 02/08/2012 23:30

Look at the emotional abuse thread - its an eye opener.

I have now 'left the bastard' thanks to reading that thread and its links (and after posting many threads like yours where the majority opinion was "that's not what a marriage should be".) It doesn't have to be out and out abuse to make it awful - just the daily grind of not being 'good enough' is hard to bear.

If you want to try and work it out by all means try, but he has to be willing to accept responsibility for his part in the marriage problems and he must be both emotionally and physically capable of change (i.e. not just changing his behaviour but changing his attitude).

I think its too much to ask of most people to be honest, but you may not be ready to face the alternative yet, so at least if you are trying to fix it you will be aware of how broken it is - it makes leaving a lot easier in the end.

Good luck
x

Original poster

owleye · 03/08/2012 09:53

Well he basically came in last night hardly spoken to me except to say that he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore he says he doesnt want me to cook his meals, talk to him or make any plans that involve him. To be honest I'm not even bothered this isnt the first time he's said these things. I just wish he would dissapear and I know thats not a nice thing to say.

Had a quick look at some of the links on the emotional abuse thread and he does a lot of those things, guess I just never really sat down and thought about it.

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum99 · 03/08/2012 10:01

oh what a horrible horrible vile man, you know, i never say this, i hate it when people do, but i think he is seeing someone else. First he tells you he doesn't want to spend his day off with you, then his plans go askew and he takes it out on you by accusing you of neglecting him in favour of his family. That aside, he is a cunt!!!!

Dont you DARE cook his meals anymore! he told you he doesnt want you to do it, its not a fucking privalige - what does he think you are going to do "make an extra special effort" fuck him, fuck him right out of your life

Bonsoir · 03/08/2012 10:03

I think that spending all one's days with one's mother and sisters while one's DH is at work is a recipe for marital disaster, personally.

Bonsoir · 03/08/2012 10:06

And if I spent all day with my mother and sister and my DP got home from work and there was no meal ready and the kitchen was a mess, I think he'd be more than justified in feeling unloved and neglected.

Original poster

owleye · 03/08/2012 10:09

Dont worry Lucyellen I have no intention of cooking his meals. I would normally just give in then things would get back to normal but I am going to go out of my way not to cook for him this time. I shall just look after myself and the children.

That has crossed my mind about him seeing somebody else also, I used to snoop around but dont bother anymore as when I have confronted him without concrete definite evidence he always has his excuses so I dont bother anymore.

I realise I sound pathetic, if another woman told me all these things I would ask her why are you still with this man?

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 03/08/2012 10:15

Bonsoir

owleye has a few weeks annual leave, and it is the school summer holidays. Spending time with family - whom also have children - or are the grandparents, is pretty normal in thousands of families.

caramelwaffle · 03/08/2012 10:18

owleye Sorry to hear you are going through this.

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