Do you put your husband before family?

[owleye]

My husband is always complaining I spend too much time with my mum and sisters, its getting really bad, he seems so jealous. The thing is most of the time I spend with my family he is at work so I really cant see the problem, what does he want me to do sit at home?

We had a massive row earlier on this subject as we have done many times but he just seems so bitter about it all. He doesnt have much family in the area and his family are not as close as mine but he seems almost resentful that my family is so close. Also my family never exclude him, always invite him, make him feel welcome etc.

Just looking for some views on this as he's got me questioning myself. His view is that once you get married you should leave your family and put your husband first. Do you agree?

Bonsoir, the op has already said she's always home before him. I'm sure he's perfectably able to use an oven even if she wasn't.

How long have you been with him?
Have you children?

He is petty and jealous. It shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like they haven't made an effort with him. The problem is in his head and i agree it's a control issue that would make me feel very uncomfortable.
The way he is behaving at the moment, telling you to not speak to him or cook for him, is a test to see how long you will go on before crumbling and begging him to speak to you etc

It's not a question of putting your family before him. You love your family and like to spend time with them a couple of times a week. No big deal.

Like GnomeDePlume, I feel that 'family' are your DP and your DC's, and everyone else is 'relatives'. And that includes parents and siblings being 'relatives' rather than 'family'.

Used to cause the mother and father of rows with my Ex-P, as he believed that 50% of his time off work should be spent with his parents. So if he got 2 days off work a week, he expected to see his mother for one of them.

As she hated me, and I wasn't allowed to go there, he expected to go alone, while I continued to do all the childcare and housework, despite him NOT being at work.

I couldn't cope with that, it was SO different to how I think, and what I see as 'family', that it was insurmountable. I will NEVER see parents and siblings as 'family', only ever as 'relatives', and only a DP and your DC's as family. My Ex-P on the other hand, will NEVER see parents and siblings as 'relatives', only as 'family'.

IMO, insurmountable differences, and something I will ensure I understand in advance with any future DP's.

To a certain extent I can see it from your husbands POV, though if the majority of time you spend with your family is when he is at work then he really is being unreasonable!

My DH sees his parents as of equal importance to me and our DD. This causes issues. Not only that but feels we have an obligation to see extended family we hardly know. This causes big problems. We have a situation in the next couple of weeks where DD has been invited to a friend's party the same weekend his sister's husband's mum is having a birthday party (2.5 hours away). In his mind we all should go to the second event as it's 'family' which to me is debatable and even when I offered to stay at home and for him to go it wasn't good enough. I suspect there are cultural issues at play, DH is from indian heritage where you are expected to attend events for people you barely know.

So agree with Gnome that it's hard to agree when you are coming from such different standpoints. Can't proffer any advice though, this is a constant source of argument in our house!

CouthyMow, did you not read the OPs posts, she is not behaving in the quite frankly, odd, manner that your DH did. She is in an abusive relationship which i fear if she stays in, this man will control her every move.

i would put my partner before anyone. He knows this, and it is not abused.

he puts me first.

I love my family, but i have made a commitment to my partner and children

I would chose my DH over my relatives. And he chooses me over his relatives (good explanation - that person who said DH and kids are family, parents and siblings are relatives).

He is the one that I expect to grow old with. If I push him away and choose my parents over him, how can I change and expect him to be first in my life once my parents die?

Once again I find myself saying your husband is a sexist control freak and if I were you I'd be making plans to get rid of him.

Kick - no one should have to choose, I personally find that ridiculous. This man is a mean spirited jealous individual that sees his wife as a possession.

I agree with you. It's not a choice at all.

I err towards protecting my DH against my relatives. And he does the same. As a result, by default, we put each other first. And the happiness of each other above the decisions or requirements of our parents and siblings.

I am a firm believer that you will marry whomever you wish, with or without the consent of your parents. The biggest mistake a parent can make is to give a child an ultimatum on who to marry. That means that when you chose to marry, you already chose potentially against what your family wants.

My mother told me from day one and continues to tell me that my DH is the "exact opposite" of who she thought I would marry. She doesn't have a lot of time for him - likewise his parents with me. We've both turned our backs on our parents until they've realised that THIS is our choice. They can support it or they can bugger off.

Oh somehow I seem to have not read the OP's post correctly and therefore, have actually spoken about what I do feel about marriage, rather than saying she is right. Sorry.

I think it depends on how your DH puts it but if he feels like he comes second to your mum and sisters, then you probably need to discuss it with him and find a way to remedy that and work with it.

I think I got his confused with another thread and then got up to ring the doctor and sat back down and replied without re-reading. Dammit.

erm, questions of who constitutes family seem less pertinent to me than the OP feeling she has to hide her phone, or suffer all hell breaking loose...?

I was answering her question:

His view is that once you get married you should leave your family and put your husband first. Do you agree?

I did read back a few posts but only saw people posting about whether or not he is wrong in assuming that her husband shouldn't want to be first in her life

It's not a question of putting your husband first is it if he's NOT EVEN THERE when you're spending time with your mother/sister? Unless putting your husband first means not spending time with anyone else, even when he's not around.

He is definitely controlling, I can't see any way it cannot be. I agree that it is more common than is apparent, but still bloody wrong. He wants to be the centre of your universe, to the extent that he wants you to not interact with people to keep it that way. That is exactly why he blows up if the kitchen is not tidy or meal not cooked. You are there to be his property and dedicate your life to looking after him.

I am self-employed, sometimes when I don't have a lot of work on, I might meet my mum for lunch and still be nattering over a chops when my husband and dad get home from work. Are they frustrated because their dinners aren't on the table? No! They love us and are glad we've had a break/ nice time. OP isn't a SAHM, she is using her leave to cover the holidays and seeing her family while her H is at work while still managing to get dinner on the table. For this she gets an abusive phone call and implications that she should be modelling herself on a stepford wife. Great message for her DCs to receive.

I am self-employed, sometimes when I don't have a lot of work on, I might meet my mum for lunch and still be nattering over a cuppa my husband and dad get home from work. Are they frustrated because their dinners aren't on the table? No! They love us and are glad we've had a break/ nice time. OP isn't a SAHM, she is using her leave to cover the holidays and seeing her family while her H is at work while still managing to get dinner on the table. For this she gets an abusive phone call and implications that she should be modelling herself on a stepford wife. Great message for her DCs to receive.

Two posts, both full of errors. I give up. Sorry.

Ok ? slightly different perspective here, from a separated bloke.

I was married 25 years and my wife left 2 years ago. Things had been bad for a few years but I was always desperate to try to stop us from drifting apart. I used to phone her up most days from work just to talk and hear her voice, but it was also in the hope that she would say something that would just mean she cared. It never happened and I became more and more unhappy. In the particulars of the divorce, one of the unreasonable behaviours she cited was that fact that I was keeping tabs on her because I always phoned when she was out. She might even have used the word controlling.

That is how she perceived it but it wasn?t the case at all; it was a misguided attempt on my part to hear some loving words, or to convince myself that she really cared. She probably did but that was not the way she expressed it.

The point, after all that, is that this probably started somewhere else on his radar, and that you see this as controlling when he is possibly feeling insecure about your relationship. If my experience is representative then maybe the fact that you apparently don?t give a monkeys in the day because you spend all your time with extended family upsets him. That with the points above about nuclear vs extended family means he just doesn?t get it. There are many super strong women on here who will probably say he just needs to deal with it, but it is never quite that easy. Both need to understand the reasons why the other is feeling the way they do.

OP I really don?t think that your question is the relevant one tbh. It is not about prioritising between family / DH, but more about his insecurity.

Those people who say they priorotise their husband over their parents, siblings etc, although I dont agree you have helped me to see how he may be feeling and what he may be thinking. And I understand what you mean when you say it is something that we may never agree on.

Truth you have hit the nail on the head with his insecurity, he has had counselling previously due to his poor relationship with his mum and dad, although he didnt tell me I found some paperwork and bought it up with him but he said that he had only had one session and didnt find it helped. I feel like such a heartless bitch right now as I have such a close and supportive mum and dad I cant imagine what it would be like to have parents who basically dont care at all about you.

But this does not mean its ok to treat me like this. When he is angry he will shout and swear at me. He has been violent in the past not massively so but still enough for me not to want to wind him up. I just feel different this time as though I have had enough, normally I would be stressing that he is not talking to me but now I'm just glad I dont have to deal with it.

But this does not mean its ok to treat me like this. When he is angry he will shout and swear at me. He has been violent in the past not massively so but still enough for me not to want to wind him up. I just feel different this time as though I have had enough, normally I would be stressing that he is not talking to me but now I'm just glad I dont have to deal with it

OP sweetheart, he is an abusive man.

Abuse often comes from a place of insecurity, doesn't mean it's excusable, or that you can "fix" him. The only person who can do that is him.

Agreed, he needs to take responsibility for his insecurity. He is abusive and that is his choice, not your fault.

Truth - the answer to insecurity is not to seek constant reassurance from your wife, that's pretty suffocating.

I also think insecurity is irrelevant. If that is what is behind his feelings then it makes no difference because it is how he is choosing to deal with those feelings that is the problem - trying to control what his wife does when he isn't there, trying to alienate her from her family and being violent to her.

owleye no, this is not normal and I glad you see that.

I class my mum and dad as my family, as I do my husband but I suspect that is a seperate issue. That said, my husband knows that I love my mum and dad and he respects that and actually loves them too He is not very close to his own parents or brother.

HE respects this, beacuse he respects ME.

We are adults who love and care for each other, equally. e.g., if I am home first, I'll cook. He'll wash up.

LAst night, I worked from home all day, then went out and met a friend at 5pm. I rang him and told him I was out. He stopped on his way home, bought food, and I came home to a cooked meal and a kiss and a 'did you have a nice time?'.

I'm not saying this is make you feel bad, but to help you see what you should expect. Likewise, he should be happy that you are enjoying your holiday, and that your children are enjoying thir time off school.

I had a controlling ex, I was constantly trying not to 'upset' him, my phone was always on silent because he hated me getting texts, hated me seeing friends and family, would sulk if I did. The trouble with this is, a controlling and abusive person will move the goalposts constantly, so no matter what you do, it will never be quite right, and they will always find a reason to pick fault with you.

Sorry you are going through this, but it IS abusive and controlling, and your HUSBAND should love and care for you not make you feel like he does.