Hello everyone
I'm 19 years old and have just finished my first year of university. I am due to go back in a months time and sadly, I can't wait.
Throughout my teens, I had a hard time with my mum- yes, there were times when I was a complete cow and thought the world revolved around me but my mum simply could not choose her battles wisely. Yes, she was right to go into meltdown when I was 15 and an hour late home or covered the bathroom in hairdye but tears, screaming and shouting when I 'unloaded the dishwasher wrong' or when I took her hairbrush without asking was in my eyes- pointless.
These daily battles continued until I went to university, but then our relationship improved. We weren't on top of each other all of the time and could do all of the things that mums and daughters to do without any of the rows and tears.
I've been home for 2 months now, and been thrown out twice and threatened numerous times for things such as a messy room, leaving the backdoor (which is guarded by neighbours fences and a locked garage) open and not straightening her hair 'enthusiastically' whatever that means. All these things will ensue a toddleresque meltdown and silent treatment.
My room is the biggest battleground, however trivial and childish it sounds. I work 35 hours a week, have a busy social life seeing friends and going to the gym ect. - so to me, having a few clothes on the floor and my dressing table covered in make up pots isn't a big deal and it's not really on my list of priorities to clean up right away. I am also living out of one big box in the corner of my room because I came home from uni with more stuff than I left with like clothes and big bulky books and ring binders which simply have nowhere to go. This box is usually the cause of full scale rows which result in my mother crying and kicking me out of the house because I have 'no respect for her home'. Usually I would hate to see my mother in this state, but she is being so incredibly unreasonable I just can't help but be defiant and cheeky. When I lived in halls in my first year where I was equally busy, my system of allowing things to get a bit messy but having a good clean on Sundays worked fine. I can't stand her coming into my room, inspecting it and opening all the windows (it smells because I'm dirty apparently) and scrutinizing a sock on the floor.
Two things today have annoyed me which made me feel the need to post, as I need some advice on making things bearable.
My boyfriend has been here for a few days, and he is made to feel unwelcoming here despite us being together before university. We are not allowed to share a room which is incredibly hard as we are long distance both in our hometowns and at university, I don't want to have sex in my parents house- but I want all of the cuddles and shared sleep that comes with. My mum laughs at me when I say these things. I do understand that this is a her house, her rules scenario but he is always accused of making a mess and belittled in a jokey way that I find irritating. Also, if we go out for the day- we're using a house like a hotel and if we stay in (like we did today) we are accused of being bone-idle lazy, making the house a mess ect. despite me putting two dishwasher washes on, two washes on and hanging out to dry.
Throughout today- I have managed to misplace my passport. I was applying for a conference and I had to put in my passport number which was when I realised it was missing. It was good I looked as we are going to visit family on Saturday and I need it to travel, I thought it was in my jewelry box but I seem to have moved it somewhere else for safe keeping and forgotten where it is! Naturally this doesn't help my case when I say my bedroom isn't messy- but it simply must be in my drawers somewhere. I've looked in the obvious places and am currently taking a breather as you can't find lost items with the 'I CAN'T FIND IT' mentality.
Boyfriend made the mistake of saying 'well if worst comes to worst, CherryBrandy can go get one faced tracked for £90'- mum didn't say anything but as soon as we got home- MELTDOWN. He's entitled, I'm entitled, we don't know the value of money, She won't be paying x amount for a new one.
I earn my own money and don't want anything from them, especially if it's my fault that I've lost it. Not to mention I know it's here somewhere...
She's downstairs shouting passive-aggressive things about my laziness and how she wants me gone, and I am fucking sick of it. I want to be in my house in my university town where I can leave my socks on the floor.
Advice, words of wisdom, anything. I could honestly cry
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Making the last month at home bearable
CherryBrandy · 02/08/2012 20:17
Eesh, sounds awful. Do you spend any time together that's not in conflict? It could be that what she'd really like is to do something with you but is struggling to find space in your adult life.
Agree with poster above, give your room a clean so she's no chance to moan and perhaps suggest a sit down an a chat. I imagine it's the last thing you really want to do but it might throw up a few surprises 
good luck
you are not a mardy cow - but just try to see it that it is a stop gap, you don't want to be getting into debt so you dont have to stay at home over the holidays. Grit your teeth (i know its pants i do!), you are working all hours anyway so you can minimise the time you are together and spend more time at your BFs?
You may sound like my DD, but your mother sounds like my DM! God knows where that leaves me 
I wonder what your mum would describe if she was to come on a daughter who leaves mess everywhere, who borrows her stuff without asking and who has an attitude whenever she says this is not on?
It is not normal to cry over how a dishwasher is unloaded. So either your mum has a problem - eg OCD or depression - or she has had years and years of this sort of thing and has just had enough.
If you don't like the rules in your mother's house, then rent a room in a shared house or something. What you don't do is be - what did you say? defiant and cheeky. That's not helpful. It's only going to escalate things.
She's not happy, you're not happy. You clearly can't live together. Find a shared house, shared room even. Or hostel. Really be out there, on your own, paying everything yourself and then you won't have to have these battles with your mum because you won't be a child messing up her room, you'll be an independent adult making her own way in the world.
I remember having this sort of relationship with my DM. Basically, you need to leave home, and she needs you to leave home. You unfortunately have some summers to get through but then it's over and your relationship will be all the better for it.
You're not her little girl any more, and I suspect she's struggling with (and slightly panicking about) the fact that she has less control over you than she once had and that you're on the cusp of being a properly independent adult. She's clearly not handling that well, but she's not the first Mum to find that hard and she certainly won't be the last (I remember my DM sitting on the bottom of the stairs crying because I was on my way out with friends and she couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with her. She'd be mortified if I reminded her of this now).
It's hard for you too because ultimately you want to be long gone and so you should. Without being patronising, it's all part of growing up and you've had a taste of that freedom at Uni. You want to live however you want and indeed make mistakes. It's really tough but you're nearly there.
In the meantime, you are going to have to play the long game, trust that your relationship with your DM will improve once you're not forced to live in the same place. It absolutely will - I've no idea how I'd cope without my DM on the other end of the phone these days.
Remember that she's allowing you to live there rent-free, and the bottom line is that she didn't have to do that. It shows that she wants the best for you and wants to help you out. It might just feel as if she has a funny way of showing it sometimes.
Somewhere underneath all of that is your DM. Do more than you need to for now. Keep everything spotless, religiously keep what seems like a lot of very arbitrary rules, accept that you and your BF are not going to be sharing a room any time soon, don't give her any ammunition. Keep smiling, suck it up, try and go out of your way to do some really nice things for her. It's only three months!
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