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Making the last month at home bearable

27 replies

CherryBrandy · 02/08/2012 20:17

Hello everyone

I'm 19 years old and have just finished my first year of university. I am due to go back in a months time and sadly, I can't wait.

Throughout my teens, I had a hard time with my mum- yes, there were times when I was a complete cow and thought the world revolved around me but my mum simply could not choose her battles wisely. Yes, she was right to go into meltdown when I was 15 and an hour late home or covered the bathroom in hairdye but tears, screaming and shouting when I 'unloaded the dishwasher wrong' or when I took her hairbrush without asking was in my eyes- pointless.

These daily battles continued until I went to university, but then our relationship improved. We weren't on top of each other all of the time and could do all of the things that mums and daughters to do without any of the rows and tears.

I've been home for 2 months now, and been thrown out twice and threatened numerous times for things such as a messy room, leaving the backdoor (which is guarded by neighbours fences and a locked garage) open and not straightening her hair 'enthusiastically' whatever that means. All these things will ensue a toddleresque meltdown and silent treatment.

My room is the biggest battleground, however trivial and childish it sounds. I work 35 hours a week, have a busy social life seeing friends and going to the gym ect. - so to me, having a few clothes on the floor and my dressing table covered in make up pots isn't a big deal and it's not really on my list of priorities to clean up right away. I am also living out of one big box in the corner of my room because I came home from uni with more stuff than I left with like clothes and big bulky books and ring binders which simply have nowhere to go. This box is usually the cause of full scale rows which result in my mother crying and kicking me out of the house because I have 'no respect for her home'. Usually I would hate to see my mother in this state, but she is being so incredibly unreasonable I just can't help but be defiant and cheeky. When I lived in halls in my first year where I was equally busy, my system of allowing things to get a bit messy but having a good clean on Sundays worked fine. I can't stand her coming into my room, inspecting it and opening all the windows (it smells because I'm dirty apparently) and scrutinizing a sock on the floor.

Two things today have annoyed me which made me feel the need to post, as I need some advice on making things bearable.

My boyfriend has been here for a few days, and he is made to feel unwelcoming here despite us being together before university. We are not allowed to share a room which is incredibly hard as we are long distance both in our hometowns and at university, I don't want to have sex in my parents house- but I want all of the cuddles and shared sleep that comes with. My mum laughs at me when I say these things. I do understand that this is a her house, her rules scenario but he is always accused of making a mess and belittled in a jokey way that I find irritating. Also, if we go out for the day- we're using a house like a hotel and if we stay in (like we did today) we are accused of being bone-idle lazy, making the house a mess ect. despite me putting two dishwasher washes on, two washes on and hanging out to dry.

Throughout today- I have managed to misplace my passport. I was applying for a conference and I had to put in my passport number which was when I realised it was missing. It was good I looked as we are going to visit family on Saturday and I need it to travel, I thought it was in my jewelry box but I seem to have moved it somewhere else for safe keeping and forgotten where it is! Naturally this doesn't help my case when I say my bedroom isn't messy- but it simply must be in my drawers somewhere. I've looked in the obvious places and am currently taking a breather as you can't find lost items with the 'I CAN'T FIND IT' mentality.

Boyfriend made the mistake of saying 'well if worst comes to worst, CherryBrandy can go get one faced tracked for £90'- mum didn't say anything but as soon as we got home- MELTDOWN. He's entitled, I'm entitled, we don't know the value of money, She won't be paying x amount for a new one.

I earn my own money and don't want anything from them, especially if it's my fault that I've lost it. Not to mention I know it's here somewhere...

She's downstairs shouting passive-aggressive things about my laziness and how she wants me gone, and I am fucking sick of it. I want to be in my house in my university town where I can leave my socks on the floor.

Advice, words of wisdom, anything. I could honestly cry

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daisiessunflowersandtulips · 04/08/2012 08:57

CherryBrandy, I think you've been getting a rough time on this thread. I feel for you I really do, as not too long ago I was in a similar situation at home myself.

Firstly, do you have a dad, an older sibling, aunt/uncle, godparent, ie any adult who is on fairly intimate terms with your family, knows your mother very well and can give you some perspective on this? Because its very easy to read this (or anyone's) account in cold words on the internet as either mad mother or nightmare daughter. Ask someone close for their honest help and support. You might be surprised and your mother might listen to them.

In coming to a better solution, you will both need to respect boundaries and compromise. (Apologies for the cod psychology - I eventually found out that it's actually true). The thing is, YOU are the one who will have to be seen to make the bigger change, whether that is right or wrong because

It's her house
You evidently want the situation to change (or why are you posting) so the ball's in your court and the only way anyone in this world can influence anyone else without a gun is through their own actions
Either you are difficult to live with or your mother is as difficult and mildly unhinged as she comes across. In either scenario she won't be willing to make the first move.

So what does this mean? Firstly no cheek or defiance. Yes it's unfair if she's treating you like you're still 17 and you can't act like it, yes it's tempting to fall back into old habits, yes it's probably no harm on its own. Tough. it is the oil on the flame and it has to stop. If you disagree with her, say so politely. Eg she says you've been bone idle all day say "I'm sorry, mother, I put two loads of washing on and I did xxx and xxx. I thought I was pulling my weight. I am happy to do another chore or go out and get out of your hair".

Secondly, however she reacts treat her politely and with respect and more to the point make it clear you expect the same from her. Arguments about unloading the dishwasher? "I'm sorry mother, I did my best. I wasn't aware you wanted it done a particular way. I'll bear that in mind, but I find your reaction hurtful when I was only trying to help".

Thirdly, don't borrow her stuff, clean your room and send your boyfriend away for a few days. Yes it's unfair. It's also damn less unpleasant than the status quo.

Make it clear, WITHOUT being passive agressive, that you are doing your best to be easy to live with. Say that you are trying hard, but tantrums and shouting is making it difficult. Be as magnanimous as humanly possible. Enlist the support of other family members to calm your mother down AND to help you see where you are winding her up.

This doesn't mean following your mother's every little whim. Just try to keep on top of the things obviously bothering her.

Of course you don't want to do the above. I didn't want to do it because I was in the right, because it was my home too, and for a million other reasons. My dearly loved (and now sadly missed) grandmother sat me down and told me everything I have said to you. She told me that in five years neither of us would remember or care who was right or wrong but we would remember and care that our relationship dissolved over fucking coffee table coasters. She told me that my life would improve immediately by doing a lot of little tasks I didn't enjoy instead of having rows about a lot of little tasks I didn't enjoy. She told me that I could insist on my mother being polite and calm with me provided I was polite and calm with her. She told me that once I stopped fighting my mother on every little point, it would become a lot easier for everyone and in particular my mother to see if she was highly-strung or actually depressed and that if she didn't think people in her own house were against her she would be much more willing to get treatment.

My grandmother was absolutely right.