DP's kissed another woman.......but then didn't really...........but then did.......but was very drunk. WTF?!

[summerholshell]

Evening

Sorry, i've been hogging this section a lot recently.

I appologise(again) in advance because i've had a couple of glasses of wine.

So 3 years ago dp was best man at his bf's wedding(now already divorced looooong story) and i'm sure you know already what happened, but dp went on the Stag do and yep, you guessed it, he 'kissed' another woman.

He told me the next day that he was really drunk, actually more drunk than he'd ever been before and this random much older woman came over and snogged him. He says that after finding it amusing and laughing, he pushed her off. It all sounded plausable at the time, so I let it go.

The problem is, whenever it gets brought up, the story changes. For example, tonight he says that he can't even remember whether or not she kissed him properly or not, but when it first happened he said that it definitely happened, but then he came to his senses. He said tonight that he was far too drunk to really know whether or not it was a 'proper' kiss, but "knows" that he wouldn't have done anything because it's just not in him. But if he was really THAT drunk, then how does he really know what happened?

Everytime we talk about, he seems to get more and more uncomfortable and jittery. This could be because I've now brought it up several times and is starting to doubt himself unnecessarily..............I really don't know. Or it could be because he knows exactly what happened and he did kiss her.

Am I right to be getting so upset or should I just let it go, regardless of whether the kiss took place or not.

I've never been unfaithful and i've certainly had opportunities. I just couldn't do it to DP.

It's doing my head in cos I keep wondering what really happened that night.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your advice

Forget it - it was a kiss 3 years ago..

I would say either stop obsessing about it and move on, or you'll drive yourself crackers, or leave him if you can't get over it. I don't think you will ever full know what happened as he doesn't seem too sure himself!

Let it go. It was a kiss, instigated by someone else when he was out of his tree.

If everything else is good with you, try to forget all about it.

Tbh it happened 3 years ago, it sounds as if you've already discussed it to death. I'm not saying what happened is right, but he came home, told you about it, you stayed with him... Fine.

You seem to be struggling to trust him. I get that, but I don't think there's anything to be gained at continually picking at scabs. Either move on or, if you really can't trust him again, split up but don't keep going over the same old ground.

Oh and he even said to me tonight that he'd almost rather I went and found another bloke and "got it out of my system" just to get off his back about it! Why would he say that? I really think he meant it, like we were point scoring or something. Another reason why i've become more suspicious about the whole situation.

I completely agree.

I really need to stop going over the same thing again and again. I just hate the thought of him lying to me. Like I said before, I couldn't do it to him, so the thought of him cheating on me albeit just a kiss, hurts beyond belief.

Thank you though. I don't think I have a choice other than to let it go........

hesterton, no. I obviously cross posted

I can't remember intricate details of a nights out years ago, when I was out of my tree.

Thing is he kissed someone years ago when pissed and admitted it. For so e it would been a deal breaker, you decided not so. You decided to believe him and move on at the time. But can't actually let it go.

So you have to decide once and for all what you really, really believe. If its that it was a drunken kiss which came about from him being wrecked. Which he has addressed and you are om with that. Then move on. If you don't believe any of it amd can't let it go. Then it's over anyway isn't it? One of you will end it soon.

Why is it still an issue for you? Do you think he is being unfaithful currently? Tbh I can see why he would be pissed off with you still bringing it up.

God, I read it back and it sounds pathetic!! It sounds trivial and immature. I just hate the thought of being lied to.

Our relationship isn't without issues anyway. Maybe that's got something to do with my reaction to the latest.

Lizz, I didn't actually bring it up. He was talking about the stag do in question and said that he couldn't remember anything and it just went from there. I admit though, that i should have either let it go and forgiven, or walked away.

Having said that, he does have a tendancy to lie, or as he'd put it "bend the truth slightly" and so I guess it could be a case of Cry Wolf.

I agree Leverette

He lies on a regular basis, but very seldomly is it anything big. It's usually something like "did you go to the pub tonight?" Dp says "No, working late" but then a few days later I find out that he did go to the pub. Or rather, he tells me/admits it. I know that's nothing really, but it's the consistancy of the "white lies" that concern me, rather than the actual lie itself.

Does that makes any sense?...

consistency sorry

I agree with the others on here. I can't remember details of days three years ago when I hadn't had a drink, let alone if I had. If I were you, OP, I'd leave it. I think he can't remember what exactly happened.

Sounds as though the real issue here is the ongoing lies about day to day stuff - isn't that what's really bugging you? If you trusted him, and the kiss was just a one-off drunken moment, surely you wouldn't still be obsessing about it? Or perhaps your unresolved feelings about that incident are spilling over into your feelings about his other behaviour - the ongoing lies.

Why is he still talking about that stag do when he knows it upsets you? (Sounded like he brought it up this time?) - is he goading you?

I think he now can't really remember. But I think you need to make it clear to him that the "little lies" are eroding your trust and this is why the kiss is coming back up - he needs to stop the little lies.

I couldn't get past all the little white lies.

Probably because, in the past, I was the one who bent the truth with my XH. At the time I thought it was just easier than telling the truth and no harm done (the working late/swift half in the pub one was very common).

But it eventually played a part in the breakdown of our relationship. I got into the habit of treating any difficult conversation as too hard and therefore to be avoided. For me at least, my ongoing decisions to avoid any kind of difficult conversation meant communication failed between us catastrophically.

I now operate a policy of total truth with DH. I now see it's much healthier.

id be much more concerned with constant lying for no reason rather than an ancient kiss on a stag night.
A kiss i wouldnt give a shiny shit about. Not knowing what he says is true, ever, would drive me insane. I couldnt live like that

Why does he tell little lies? That would drive me mad. A kiss on a stag night three years ago - I would leave that alone. But the constant lies.

The fact that he lies about day to day things would be the killer for me.